Borderline personality disorder-please can someone give perspective on this? Awful situation.

[TotallyDrained]

Long story short, a friend of mine has diagnosed BPD and Asperger's. I didn't know about this until probably a few months ago, when she told me the full extent and that she was on meds etc. prior to knowing all this our friendship had been strained due to her consistently misunderstanding things i had said or done which lead to arguements. I've never argued with friends before this so found it really strange and that I just maybe rubbed her up the wrong way.

I don't know what I want, I guess I just feel like I walk on eggshells all the time and I feel so on edge like anything I say to her will tip her over. For example congratulating her on the birth of her son she told me to stop it and that I was making her feel anxious. There have been countless situations like this. I just feel utterly drained and depressed by it. I've done a lot of research into the disorder to understand it and to be careful in the way I approach her but I'm a bit feisty by nature so I've been told so could have been too blunt with her maybe?? She lives quite a chaotic life regarding different relationships and has fallen out with numerous other friends I know of. I don't know what I'm asking really, maybe for some words of advice or wisdom? Please be gentle

How do you know the OP's friend doesn't want to be helped? Have you personally asked her?

LOL Candy I clearly demonstrated a few of them.

I am oversensitive when it comes to this particular disorder. In general though I'm very laisse faire in life.

candyce83 I had a look at that site.

Had a look at the page where she responds to some of the emails she's had and her responses to the rants she receives was really quite offputting here. The rants are pretty unpleasant sometimes but her response is much worse than your average agony aunt's. You'd have expected something a lot more professional than that.

As far as I'm aware, and I'm not in any way trained but have some awareness in this area, there -is- a genetic componant to PDs often. As far as I'm aware her information seems to be shaky.

Wow, ok. Just read that site.

Is Katie Hopkins doing a bit of moonlighting?

@saucyjack

Hmm from the fact that the ops friend is consistently rude and not exactly the best friend to her, ive kind of gathered that she isn't really aware of how her actions are effecting her. Most people don't really want to be helped as everyone is fundamentally OK and has the mental compacity to help themselves. Anything else is just codependency. Also is it the OPs job to "help" her all the while accepting abuse in return? Its martyrdom at best!

I think that woman is a bit abrasive yes but you can't deny her actual articles are pretty spot on and well written.

Having read Meerka's link, I find it hard to believe that such an unprofessional and nasty woman would produce 'spot on and well written' articles on the subject.

Oh my god! I'm not borderline but my best friend is and I am beyond horrified at that website and equally shocked that it's been recommended. And where the hell did that woman qualify as a therapist if she did at l because from that link alone she is totally unfit to practice.

I have BPD traits, and I made the mistake of reading that website. That woman hates us. We're not monsters, FFS.

Looked at the site myself and really wasn't impressed. I think it demonises those with BPD.

I want to understand the condition more and when my friend is having a good day she explains it well and how it affects her. On a bad day I can't say anything right and feel really on edge. I don't particularly enjoy the friendship aside from the BPD anyway which is why I'm going to distance myself now and let her get on with it. I do find the outbursts quite unsettling because I don't know which way I should handle them. Some things she stores that I've said and then asks me a dozen times what I meant by it. It's this kind of thing I feel at a loss to cope with because I can't win.

It's insecurity that makes her do the asking thing, totallydrained. It's a horrible condition to live with because the person is gnawed by demons of insecurity and anger to a degree most of us can't imagine - fortunately.

But enough is enough. It's sad but - well, your user name says it all. You can't give on giving, when you're drained.

owlborn she didn't qualify as a psychotherapist, she said on the site (her phrase was 'thank god').

Now sometimes people can come from outside an established field and have some very useful insights that the conventional training missed. But in this case, I've picked up some odd elements that make me very doubtful her information is reliable ... I think there are probably better sites out there.

Haven't looked in depth, the kids are bouncing around but bpdfamily.com/ and www.bpdcentral.com/ seem like maybe they are more neutral.

Candyce.

BPD is a medical illness. It is not something that is going to be "cured" through a friendship with someone who does not understand the triggers and underlying thought processes (such as the OP).

You throwing words such as victim complex around, and suggesting that people with MH problems enjoy wallowing in it is deeply, deeply, deeply horribly offensive.

If a car crash victim was unable to walk without intensive physiotherapy, would you call them a lazy fucker who liked the attention of being in a wheelchair? No? Well then don't make equivalent statements about people with MH conditions.

OP- I do have BPD, and have done a lot of BPD specific therapy so I understand it pretty well. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask.

^ exactly what SaucyJack said.

I don't appreciate being called a 'Borderline' either.

saucyjack, i took it as the fact that it is strained, lots of arguments misunderstandings, which suggests theres not much self awareness with the woman with bpd.

SaucyJack Thank you!

I have BPD and I am well aware of what a nightmare it can be, not only for myself but for those around me. Fortunately, my loved ones are very supportive and I have worked very hard to understand my disorder and not let it control my life.

It sounds like the OP's (ex?) friend needs help.

Saucy jack I feel like my words are being twisted....I am well aware bpd is a mental illness..I have dated two women with borderline personality disorder. I have also struggled with depression and have been hospitalized for it. It is however not an excuse for treating people appallingly when that is the case. I was supportive, kind, and tried to be understanding as much as possible and was treated like absolute shit probably due to the push/pull dynamics in those relationships. I see nothing offensive about any of my posts and said it was a spectrum disorder and not all traits are true for everyone.

Sorry to everyone else who didn't like the website. I guess I stumbled on it and felt like it really spoke to me. I gave it to one of my exes XH and he said it felt like he was reading his life back. Just thought I was helping. Moving on now.

No. Your words have not been twisted. You have made ignorant and disablist comments and you have been pulled up on it.

Anyway..... it's pretty clear now why you have such an axe to grind. Sorry your ex-girlfriends didn't roll over and play ball with your white knight act. Better luck next time.

I want to know how better to approach her when I am already like I said, a sometimes blunt/fiesty person. After most outbursts she's had at me, she has apologised and explained how the BPD has control over certain things. She is on meds and is definitely getting help without doubt so I don't want to make out like she's not. My issue is that I wonder if the people around her make too many excuses for her? Her sister had a big go at me for not being a true friend to her and for abandoning her like most people do a while ago. I have no idea where to try and start understanding any of this at all. One thing that confuses me as well, she always says what low self esteem she has and how bad she feels about herself, but I find she makes quite boastful comments regarding how academic she is or the type of people she associates with. It's confusing.

I guess what im asking is how the hell do I distinguish between her and the condition? Between her being an arse and the condition controlling her?

i think youll know that more, the more you get to know her. Maybe she doesnt actually like you, and youre mistaking that for being part of her disorder?

You could try this book. I'm not a fan, but lots of people are.

www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

Look dude- if you don't like her it's fine to not be friends with her.
It's unnecessary IMO to bring her specific MH diagnoses into it.

Ditch her and the PC guilt and go and spend time with people you actually like. It'll be best for her too- you don't sound like Friend Of The Year as at as she's concerned either.

I've found it hard to let go based on the fact that she constantly makes contact and wants me to spend time with her. She also says she looks up to me as well. That's not behaviour of someone who doesn't like someone IMO. Like I said, it's differentiating between her being mean and her BPD.