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Original poster

Struggling to spend time with partner's baby

85 replies

Sesamo · 14/02/2015 10:49

Dp and I have been together for 8 months. I suffered a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but we were happy nonetheless.

DP has a 9 month old daughter from a previous relationship (they separated while his ex was pregnant). His DD lives at the other end if the country, he sees her about once a month.

This weekend we are visiting his family and his DD. I am really struggling with this as even the sight of a baby or pregnant woman makes me feel very emotional. The fact she is his DD makes it even harder.

I feel like I'm being horrible and unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
herintheredskirt · 14/02/2015 10:52

No you're not. Just be kind to yourself. Can you get out of the house you're visiting for a bit to distract you? Is there a way you can tell your partner how you feel?

SavoyCabbage · 14/02/2015 10:54

No, of course you aren't. And you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

It's a difficult situation but if I were you, I would excuse myself from the trip and keep busy at home. See friends etc.

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 10:55

I've told him. I said I didn't want to ruin the weeke d for him and would rather not come but he said he needed my support. I'm sitting upstairs feeling tearful and can't bear the thought of going downstairs to play happy families.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2015 11:00

Sesamo, he's being very unfair on you. It's so hard being around any baby when you've had such a recent loss. I'm so very sorry Flowers

Stay away. Keep yourself close. There is no benefit to his baby or you to you being there. I'm actually quite Angry on your behalf that your DP has been so selfish as to put you in this situation.

Can you get out on your own and go for a walk or something? If not, feel no guilt at all for hiding. You are grieving. Don't feel any guilt Flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2015 11:01

Not keep yourself close, keep yourself safe (I.e. Do what you need to)

herintheredskirt · 14/02/2015 11:02

Yes, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

thisisnow · 14/02/2015 11:06

Absolutely do not go if you're still feeling fragile. Hope you're okay Flowers

OneDayMySleepWillCome · 14/02/2015 11:17

Oh how awful of your dp to make you feel guilty enough to go! You poor thing. I'd feign a sickness bug and leave. He shouldn't have put you in that position. Hope you're ok x

AmyElliotDunne · 14/02/2015 11:20

He's being selfish if he thinks HIS need for support here trumps yours. Be strong and tell him you won't be supporting him in visiting his dd because it is too upsetting for you. It would be hard enough without the MC, so you are definitely not BU. Take some time to do exactly what makes you feel better this weekend xxx Flowers

CiderwithBuda · 14/02/2015 11:26

He needs your support? Really? You have just had a miscarriage and he needs your support? Selfish dick.

I really do get constantly amazed at the selfishness of some 'D' Ps I read about on here.

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 11:32

That sounds agonising.
You don't have to be with him you know. Maybe he's wonderful, but at the very least it all sounds so complicated, the ex partner, the baby, the distance to see the baby.

Have some time to grieve and plan a simpler future for yourself. Some time single then an unencumbered new relationship.

YvesJutteau · 14/02/2015 11:53

He needs your support?

Good grief.

Well, at least now you know where you and your emotional wellbeing rank on his list of priorities.

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 12:14

Thanks all. He did say we could give it a miss, and that we didn't have to go, but he hasn't seen his DD in 6 weeks so I felt he should. He said he didn't want to go without me, that it's valentines and he wanted us to spend the weekend together.

I'm trying really hard but just feel like crying every time I look at her. His family must think I'm pretty odd.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 12:42

You don't have to be with him you know. Maybe he's wonderful, but at the very least it all sounds so complicated, the ex partner, the baby, the distance to see the baby.

I agree with this. Life is very short and there are a lot of men in the world. He is being cruel and unreasonable to put pressure on you and I'm sorry for your loss.

But beyond that, why on earth do you want to be dealing with a partner with such a young child who left his partner while she was pregnant? I'm sure you could find a single man who is such as great who will love you and support you with no children at all and none of this added complication. I'm sure you are not emotionally strong enough right now to walk away from him but really keep it in mind.

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 12:43
  • just as great
SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 12:44

Sorry that didn't come out right - by no children at all - I meant a single man who has no children from previous relationships. NMNK in other words.

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 12:46

Why did he move so far away from his ex and child?

Chaseface · 14/02/2015 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 14/02/2015 13:14

"He demands you come and then decides that he won't see his daughter at all if you don't?"

Where does it say that? Hmm

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 13:16

Here:

He did say we could give it a miss, and that we didn't have to go, but he hasn't seen his DD in 6 weeks so I felt he should. He said he didn't want to go without me, that it's valentines and he wanted us to spend the weekend together.

Why hasn't he seen her for 6 weeks?

TokenGinger · 14/02/2015 13:17

OP, I totally feel for you. But those calling your partner a dick are dicks themselves.

Has he not just lost a baby too? Will he not be going through the same emotions? Has he got to sit holding his child today, looking down knowing his other child being carried by the woman he treasures has sadly passed?

The emotions will be raw for you both. Do what is right for you -both-.

clam · 14/02/2015 13:17

That's not "demanding."

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 13:18

He's doing a good job of painting himself as a dick - left previous partner when pregnant, moved to opposite end of country, hasn't seen child for 6 weeks...

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 13:19

Call it emotional blackmail then, clam.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/02/2015 13:19

He sounds awful - can't be bothered with his existing child and is unable to contemplate spending Valentine's Day away from his partner who has just had a miscarriage and needs support.

Op, does he have any redeeming qualities at all? If you have any other doubts about your relationship this may be the point to have a lucky escape.