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Relationships

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Original poster

Struggling to spend time with partner's baby

85 replies

Sesamo · 14/02/2015 10:49

Dp and I have been together for 8 months. I suffered a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but we were happy nonetheless.

DP has a 9 month old daughter from a previous relationship (they separated while his ex was pregnant). His DD lives at the other end if the country, he sees her about once a month.

This weekend we are visiting his family and his DD. I am really struggling with this as even the sight of a baby or pregnant woman makes me feel very emotional. The fact she is his DD makes it even harder.

I feel like I'm being horrible and unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:

clam · 14/02/2015 13:21

JeanSeberg, you don't know that he "left his previous partner when pregnant." She might have left him and moved herself. And he might have made plans to see his child a fortnight ago that his ex altered.

But hey, what you don't know, make up.

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 13:24

You seem keen to defend him clam.

Reekypear · 14/02/2015 13:25

I would run a freaking mile, he is not savoury.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2015 13:26

Dear god! I despair of people who think the best they can do is someone who has a young baby they already don't see regularly. He's an adult, a father, with an obligation to be there for his child, new girlfriend or no.

He is already showing you who he is.

clam · 14/02/2015 13:27

I don't know the guy from Adam. You, however, seem keen to vilify him on very little evidence.

This is why people get frustrated with MN.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2015 13:29

When you become a parent, your first obligation is to your children, your own feelings and Valentine's Day notwithstanding. You have to be a grown up.

ApocalypseThen · 14/02/2015 13:31

Has he not just lost a baby too? Will he not be going through the same emotions?

Probably not, in fairness. The hormonal implications of a miscarriage alone make it a very different experience for women. I don't think we need to pretend that's not the case.

AddToBasket · 14/02/2015 13:32

Agree with expat. He does need to see his child. Can't really blame him for wanting you to go along too.

But why does he live so far away?

expatinscotland · 14/02/2015 13:33

We lost a little girl when she was 9. We still had to carry on with our other two regardless of our tremendous grief. When you have children you can't just dip in and out or say, 'Hey, my girlfriend isn't going to be around for 'support', I'll have to give seeing my child a miss.'

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/02/2015 13:34

When you become a parent, your first obligation is to your children, your own feelings and Valentine's Day notwithstanding. You have to be a grown up.

Absolutely this ^^ Please don't settle for men who don't make the effort with their current children. They are not good men and you deserve a good one.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/02/2015 13:39

Can't imagine many women wanting to support their partner look after their little baby at the weekend, never mind if they've just had a miscarriage.

It wouldn't be for me.

I presume he moved the 200 miles, because he goes back to see the baby and his family at the same time?

feministwithtitsin · 14/02/2015 13:40

I do think your DP is being damned here. Some of it justified, some less so.

I am shocked he embarked on a new relationship one month after his baby was born! He doesn't hang around, does he! Not really relavent to the original post but i wander what the babys mother thinks about the father wanting you involved? I can-t imagine she would be best pleased. Sounds quite selfish to me.

He doesn't seem to be considering you, his child or the mother of his child much here.

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 13:43

MovingOn ^ Please don't settle for men who don't make the effort with their current children. They are not good men and you deserve a good one.^
Or here's a radical thought. Men are not so scarce that you have to settle for one who's got a tiny baby already. There are plenty of men who neither get two women pregnant in a year nor father and then neglect their children.

tribpot · 14/02/2015 13:51

He pressured you into coming with him - you are not in a position to give support to anyone else, even to the father of the baby you both lost. Physically the brunt of this loss is on you. He has a responsibility to his daughter to see her regardless of whether or not you're feeling well enough to accompany him. It would be awful of him to feel he could 'give this a miss' under any circumstances, let alone these ones.

Do his family know about your miscarriage? I think you have to tell them so they cut you some slack about why you can't spend time with his dd. But ideally you should go home and be kind to yourself.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 13:53

Your partner seems like a weak man. Is he ?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/02/2015 14:03

seriously. That's basically the gist of the other thing I tend to find myself writing on these threads... "there's more than one man in the world!"

Viviennemary · 14/02/2015 14:09

I don't think I could be in a relationship with a man who had split up so recently from a girlfriend who was pregnant. You feel like this because you are in an impossible situation. There is no answer because of your partner's behaviour. Moving on from one person to the next without a care for anyone's feelings. It's a recipe for disaster and not a basis for happiness. IMHO.

Galvanized · 14/02/2015 14:12

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Physically and emotionally they are terrible, it's okay to feel like you do. But please please don't try again and end up with a child with this man, he has already shown you who he is.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 14:22

MovingOn, I think you could go on virtually all the Relationships threads and post that one sentence and it would fit

ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 14/02/2015 14:39

He sounds pretty irresponsible generally. New relationship when baby has just been born to another woman...new girlfriend gets pregnant a few months later...doesn't bother much with the baby.

It reads a bit like something off Jeremy Kyle, to be fair. I am sorry you've had a miscarriage, but now might be time to take stock of the situation. Do you really want to be one of a long line of 'baby mamas'?

Chaseface · 14/02/2015 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfbasher · 14/02/2015 14:43

He sounds pretty awful TBH.

He left his ex while she was pregnant.
He got into a new relationship (with you) when his baby was 1 month old.
He doesn't make the effort to see his baby often, and would rather not see his baby at all than go without you.
He was careless enough to get you pregnant when it wasn't planned, despite being in a new relationship and having a very young baby from another relationship.
He emotionally blackmailed you into going to see his baby despite your recent MC.

No doubt there are justifications and explanations for each of these points, but the combination of them all together makes me doubtful that he is a nice person. He sounds like a selfish, careless sort of person who will cause you even greater unhappiness in the future if you stay together.

Rebecca2014 · 14/02/2015 14:48

He sounds awful. How could any decent father say "If you don't come, I won't bother to see my daughter who I haven't already seen in 6 weeks."

My ex was a bad father to his son, guess what he isn't a fantastic father to the child we have together. You are not special, the child you have with him will not be special. If he treats his first like this, it will be the same with a child you have with him.

You have only been together 8 months, yet are rushing to get pregnant when he already has a young baby and has already left a pregnant woman? seriously??? seriously???

Grow up and stop being pathetic, find a decent man...pah.

canweseethebunnies · 14/02/2015 15:02

Aside from your recent miscarriage I don't think he should really dragging you into his relationship with his ex and his baby daughter at this stage! He needs your support? He needs to grow up and face his parental responsibilities on his own wit bought his new girlfriend holding his hand. I agree he doesn't sound a good catch.

Vivacia · 14/02/2015 15:04

I agree with the advice to "take stock". You've obviously had a turbulent few months - new boyfriend and then falling (presumably unexpectedly) pregnant and then suffering a miscarriage.

He has to be putting his child first, and I'm not sure that's a good foundation for a new relationship with you, let alone a serious one.

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