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Original poster

Struggling to spend time with partner's baby

85 replies

Sesamo · 14/02/2015 10:49

Dp and I have been together for 8 months. I suffered a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but we were happy nonetheless.

DP has a 9 month old daughter from a previous relationship (they separated while his ex was pregnant). His DD lives at the other end if the country, he sees her about once a month.

This weekend we are visiting his family and his DD. I am really struggling with this as even the sight of a baby or pregnant woman makes me feel very emotional. The fact she is his DD makes it even harder.

I feel like I'm being horrible and unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 15:10

Personally I think a lot of heartache could be avoided if people were prepared to "vilify" quicker on patchy evidence, if vilify means swerving around a car crash.

Couldn't agree more. It's beyond me why women even go on a first date with men like this, let alone set up home and start a family together.

Joysmum · 14/02/2015 15:19

There's no reason why Valentine's Day should be on Valentine's day.

Of course he should see his baby, but should be man enough to do so himself.

Suggest you do Valentine's day another day (we had ours on Thursday) and tell him you're not happy that him saying he needs your support and want you to be together is making you feel worse.

LadyLuck10 · 14/02/2015 15:33

A man who has just recently separated from his pregnant partner would be a massive put off for me. Why would anyone even want to go near that complicated situation.
That aside I can't see that he has done anything wrong, however you should have insisted he goes alone.

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 15:48

We've all got sidelined, me included, by what a waste of space he is;
Sesamo look after yourself. You're in a dreadful place at the moment- emotionally physically and geographically. Get through the next few days, get home and look after yourself.
Flowers

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:05

We've talked and he's apologised for asking me to come with him. He feels pretty bad.

I do feel Dp is getting a hard time in here for things other than this weekend. Perhaps I should have given some background.

The miscarriage affected him too, he was devastated. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, we use contraception, but I didn't feel I could go through with an abortion.

His relationship with the mother of his child is complicated.... She left him for someone else and moved back to her hometown very early on in the pregnancy. Dp didn't realise the baby was his child.

It's actually very difficult for Dp living so far away, he sees his DD every few weeks but hasn't seen her since Christmas because his ex has 'been busy'..

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 18:07

did he explain why he insists on your physical presence or "support" to deal with something he should be dealing with himself ?

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:10

And to the poster who said I was rushing to get pregnant, that I'm pathetic, need to grow up and find a decent man... Just wow...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:13

Anyfucker, he said he felt pretty much the same way as me, that he was going to find it emotional and wanted my support. To be fair up until this point I have been dealing with it better than he has.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 18:16

It does sound like the complication isn't of his own making, but I still don't understand why you'd tie yourself to a man with so much else going on. As I said look after yourself and plan for a less drama filled future.

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:17

The poster who said the awful things I just mentioned, rebecca2014, I've just reread your post. You're not special, the child you would have isn't special. Are you for real? Do you realise how hurtful your comments are to someone who's just suffered a miscarriage?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/02/2015 18:17

What is it about this situation that you find appealing?

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:21

Vivacia, nothing about having a miscarriage is appealing. I love Dp, a man who had in fact been single for 7 months before we got together. So he has a Dd who by no fault of his own lives on the other side of the country. Should he stay single for the rest of his life or does he not deserve done happiness too?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 18:21

Ses, ignore that poster. I agree she overstepped but the rest of your thread is broadly supportive. I hope you can take on board some of the subjects raised.

Does your DP ask for "support" with every visit to his dd, or was it just this one ?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/02/2015 18:21

He comes across as...at best, weak...needing you to be there while he has the first contact in six weeks with his own baby, but then suggesting cancelling the contact if he had to go alone.

I'm glad he apologized.

I appreciate its a difficult and complicated situation. It's not for everyone, that's for sure.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 18:22

don't ignore, Viv, ignore the other one Smile

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:25

Anyfucker, thank you. I really do appreciate the support from pretty much all the posters. I realise I should have given a bit more background in my OP. No he's never asked for my support before this.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/02/2015 18:29

Well, in future, I'd let him go on his own and get on with it. That would be the mature thing to do.

I really wouldn't get into a pattern of supporting him to look after his own baby.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 18:30

I am glad he has apologised. You certainly deserved it. I hope the rest of your weekend is ok and I am sorry for your loss. x

Original poster
Sesamo · 14/02/2015 18:33

Thank you x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/02/2015 18:45

I think you know that I didn't imply that a miscarriage was appealing.

Rebecca2014 · 14/02/2015 18:55

Your first post barely had any information and gave an awful impression of your partner, which is why you had so many negative comments and why I was harsh.

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 18:56

Ses Should he stay single for the rest of his life or does he not deserve done happiness too? But why saddle yourself with all this inconvenience? Look after yourself and the children you already have.

Vivacia · 14/02/2015 18:57

Rebecca, calling the OP pathetic wasn't harsh, it was unkind and inaccurate.

needaholidaynow · 14/02/2015 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 14/02/2015 19:05

He needs to put your needs ahead of his own.
He needs to put his dd's needs ahead of his own.

Hopefully this weekend has shown him that - finally.

What does he intend to do now? Can you go home?

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