Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Struggling to spend time with partner's baby

85 replies

Sesamo · 14/02/2015 10:49

Dp and I have been together for 8 months. I suffered a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but we were happy nonetheless.

DP has a 9 month old daughter from a previous relationship (they separated while his ex was pregnant). His DD lives at the other end if the country, he sees her about once a month.

This weekend we are visiting his family and his DD. I am really struggling with this as even the sight of a baby or pregnant woman makes me feel very emotional. The fact she is his DD makes it even harder.

I feel like I'm being horrible and unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 14/02/2015 19:07

TBH I think you would be better off out of this complicated set up. I don't see how women get themselves involved with this type of man. And then a few years down the line worry why their relationship hasn't worked out. He should have waited a reasonable length of time before leaping into another relationship.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2015 19:08

'Should he stay single for the rest of his life or does he not deserve done happiness too?'

No. It's your lookout to involve yourself with someone who has so much new baggage. Please look after yourself.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2015 19:11

I'm glad he's apologised. The extra information paints a very different picture of him. It was selfish of him to make any demands on you at the moment. As much as he is grieving, you are facing the physical as well as the emotional side of your loss. You need looking after. Valentine's Day is no excuse!

Make sure he spoils you from now on and that no demands are made on you at all.

It sounds like your dp needs to sort a formal access arrangement with his ex, if she's withholding access. It only costs a couple of hundred to go to court and get an order put in place. sorry, probably not the time, but it would help things if there were set times.

I hope you're ok. Don't let your dp push you into going next time if you're not up to it. It can take a long time to stop feeling so raw

expatinscotland · 14/02/2015 19:11

I agree with Vivienne (call 999! ). I'd feel like I failed my daughter if she got involved with someone like this, especially if she herself were young and childfree. There are so many men out there who don't have all this rigamarole in their lives.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2015 19:14

And whilst I agree with Vivienne too. I don't think right now is the time for you to question things. Just deal with your grief, and if you have any worries, then you can consider them later. Unless of course he continues to actively make things harder for you.

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 19:43

Did he go to visit his daughter in the end?

Seriouslyffs · 14/02/2015 20:06

RTFT Jean

Duckdeamon · 14/02/2015 20:19

Sorry about your miscarriage OP.
Yanbu for not wanting to visit his dd in the circumstances, or even if this had not happened.

What happened in his previous relationship is unfortunate, but he has been a parent for 9 months and needs to deal with that and how access, his relationship (as parents) with his ex, financial support and so on will work. His responsibility.

8 months is really not long at all, you don't know him very well, or how he will handle being a parent in difficult circumstances. imo He is being unreasonable at such an early stage to want you to have any active involvement in his access visits.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2015 20:38

Somebody agrees with me!! Falls of chair.

CiderwithBuda · 15/02/2015 11:35

OP - I was fairly harsh on your DP earlier up the thread and to be honest I do still feel that he should have put your feelings before his need for support.

However I do have to disagree with posters who think he has too much baggage etc. My sis met a guy and started going out with him. He was honest from day one that he had a young baby from a previous relationship and he was involved with the baby and would remain so. He had been going out with someone for a few months but they split at his instigation. She persuaded him to try again. They did but again he felt it wasn't working and broke up with her again. A couple of weeks later she tells him she is pregnant. When they went out the first time she was on the pill. Second time he assumed she still was but she had come off it without telling him. My sis carried on seeing him although she admits it was sometimes hard dealing with the fact he had a baby. 14 years on they are now married with a DD of their own and they still see his son. Who has always been welcome in our family also obviously. You can tell a lot about a guy who actually faces up to his responsibilities to his child even if the circumstances are not ideal.

Flip

1 2 3 4