Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Dh doesn't love my kids

88 replies

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 19:48

Step dad's a kind man. Nice to them and fair. Helps when asked. But for some irrational reason, that's not enough for me. He doesn't get involved with schoolwork, motivate them and encourage them, worry about them as he does his own. Has known mine since they were fairly small. Is it really possible in a second marriage to deeply love your partner when you know he doesn't love your kids?

OP posts:

Gem124 · 11/02/2015 20:02

My step-dad loves my sis and I as much as his own kids, if not more. Always says he has 2 daughters when in reality 1dd, 3ds. He's always been the one to come to school plays, parents evenings, taught us to drive etc (which he's done for all 5). He might be the rarity!! Xx

MMcanny · 11/02/2015 20:03

Why did you marry him?

CookieLady · 11/02/2015 20:05

MMcanny, how is your post helpful?

CookieLady · 11/02/2015 20:06

Runny, I'm afraid you can't force that kind of bond. Have you spoken to him about this at all?

lunar1 · 11/02/2015 20:07

Do you love his children?

slightlyconfused85 · 11/02/2015 20:10

Does he have to love them? If he is being kind and fair to them and they share a good relationship then surely this is enough, assuming they have their own father to love them?

I have a step dad, I don't think he loves me like he does his own blood children but he was kind to me and we enjoyed each other's company. He would look after me properly when required and financially provide me in as much as I lived in his home and ate his food! I also had my own dad who does love me.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 20:23

Thanks all. I know I can't force it. He insists he does love them. But I can see the chasm in the way he is with his own kids.

Lunar his children are adults who will have nothing to do with me despite me having tried to show them I loved them. They can give dh no reason, I was not ow and it's very sad. So no, I do not love his now adult children who act as if I don't exist. Mine were very small when we got together and accepted dh from the start, so it's been easier for him.

I know I am trying to make up for what they don't have (their own dad doesn't see them his choice), and I'm aware it's a lot to put on dh.

I just wondered if anyone out there felt like I do, however unreasonable it is.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 11/02/2015 20:29

Yes I've been with DP for 8 years (well it's nearly over actually now) now and he is always kind to my son and they get on great. But I can tell he doesn't love him. Luckily my DS's dad does love him, or it would bother me more. But yes it does bother and hurt me, and probably my DS too.

pictish · 11/02/2015 20:32

I'm not sure I could ever love or invest on anyone else's kids like my own.

pictish · 11/02/2015 20:35

Do you love his kids as much as your own?

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 20:36

Thanks Charley for your honesty. For some reason it's chipping away at me and spoiling the love I have for dh. And I am very vocal to him about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 20:38

Pictish I have answered you question two posts back as it has already been asked. My question was, is it possible to deeply love your partner when you know he doesn't love your kids as he does his own.

OP posts:

Piratespoo · 11/02/2015 20:39

Well, that doesn't help, does it? You can't force him to love them! My dh doesn't take that much interest in OUR kids homework .... So it might not just be because he is the step dad. If he is kind to them, treats them well and fair, you cannot really ask much more. He won't love them like you do...but if he says he does love them, then you really can't nag for more. It will just alienate him and cause a rift between you. Accept the good that you have.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 11/02/2015 20:40

I don't love dhs Ds and I guess he doesn't love mine. Cares for, supports, respect, like- yes, but not that crazy love you have for your own kids.
My Ds has his own dad and dss has his own mum though. I imagine you are trying to compensate for their absent dad...

RudyMentary · 11/02/2015 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 11/02/2015 20:44

Sorry so you did.

I can understand why this upsets you, but he's just not going to have the same strength of feeling for your children as he does his own.
I'm sure he cares for and is extremely fond of your lot though, and wouldn't ever see them wrong.
I think that's good going.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/02/2015 20:44

I don't understand why on earth you would expect him to, TBH. I could never love anyone or anything as much as I do my own children. And OP I think you are taking the easy way out by saying "Well his kids are older and there is a good reason why blah blah" - can you imagine it? Imagine loving his hypothetical younger children as much as you love your own?

RudyMentary · 11/02/2015 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 11/02/2015 20:48

They aren't his children though, and it's not reasonable to expect him to feel as though they are.

BackforGood · 11/02/2015 20:49

I don't think 'not getting involved in schoolwork' is a reflection of not loving them - or that would be true of half the parents across the country!

However, I don't think it's strange or unusual in anyway to not have the same deep, unfailing, instinctive, probably 'animal' love for children that are not yours, as you do for children that are - I would expect that very much to be the norm. You say he's kind and fair, nice and helps when asked - sounds like you've got a good man there, but you can't pressure anyone to feel something they don't. Of course you can love each other as adults though, even though he doesn't have exactly the same feelings for your dc as you do.

MillieH30 · 11/02/2015 20:50

It sounds like you want to provide the missing father figure for your children, which is understandable. But your DH is not their father and it isn't his fault that their own father is absent. It might help if you focus on the bond that your children do have with your DH and the fact that your marriage is giving them a stable (and presumably happy) environment to grow up in, and providing your children with a father figure role model.

It is not worth jeopardizing that and your relationship because you wish you could change history/your DC's father.

Georgina1975 · 11/02/2015 20:53

My s/kids were quite grown-up when I came into their lives, which is quite different. We really do care for each other, but "love", I don't know? I have a very different connection my own child, as they have to their own Mum and Dad, and I feel comfortable with that.

There are many kinds of love though, aren't there?

I don't think it is a rigid emotion that gets turned on and off according to the situation though. You seem to have withdrawn "love" for your s/kids for not accepting your (version of) "love". Is it possible they find you a bit intense? Does "love" look a certain way to you, and you find it difficult to believe in alternative expressions?

crje · 11/02/2015 20:53

Your problem is your kids dad,
but you're taking it out on the step dad.

I would tred carefully or your kids could end up with no dad at all.

Your expectations are unrealistic,
Please appreciate what you have and give your husband a break !!

Charley50 · 11/02/2015 20:55

I agree with a pp who said maybe he is the same with his own kids as well. It might seem that he is more loving to them but maybe his actual actions are pretty similar.

Bowlersarm · 11/02/2015 20:56

But your DH is not their father and it isn't his fault that their own father is absent. Exactly.

It seems to me you are trying to find fault with him when he's doing his very best by your children. Your children. I'd never love another mans children as much as I love my own.

Flip

1 2 3 4