Dh doesn't love my kids

[Runnyhunny]

Step dad's a kind man. Nice to them and fair. Helps when asked. But for some irrational reason, that's not enough for me. He doesn't get involved with schoolwork, motivate them and encourage them, worry about them as he does his own. Has known mine since they were fairly small. Is it really possible in a second marriage to deeply love your partner when you know he doesn't love your kids?

I don't love my step kids, in fact most days I really dislike them.

DH doesn't love my dc as I do (although he doesn't have his own dc) and I continue to do most of the parenting, doing schoolwork or worrying about them. I've never thought this was odd though, I certainly couldn't feel the same way any children that weren't my own as I do about my dc. And I think even with two biological parents, the mother often does much more of the worrying and hands-on work in a family in any case.

He does treat them absolutely fairly though, has included them in his will, considers their costs as household spending, and describes the two of us as dc's parents (no bio father involved). I'm happy with that, and I think they have a great relationship. I do think that DH loves my dc, but not with the intensity that I do or that he'd have for his own biological dc (if he had any). It's probably like the way I feel about my nephews - I adore them, but I wouldn't make huge sacrifices for them in the way that I've had to do with my own dc.

my dh and I have one child each before meeting each other, we now have a child together and I can honestly say dh loves them all equally he is fair and gives them same attention ( very attentive daddy) he gives them same amount of affection and does lotsaof daddy son activities wit my ds he is now 7. My son adores him and to be honest my son shows no difference to me r dh he loves us both same I think. Dh makes his lunch baths him does homework ( his job as he has more patience)

My stepdad loved us as his real children brothers were teens, I was 9 and my sis was a baby never occurred to us that he wouldn't love us, my brother also became stepdad to his son as a baby, he's a wonderful dad to him and couldn't love him more if he tried, however my sisters husband doesn't really have any time for her two kids in as much as he wont even buy their food and will only provide for his own child, I wish she would leave him he is vile, so it's horses for courses and he sounds kind and a good step father, these things are there or there's nor, can't be forced

My stepdad loves me but loves my sister, his DD, differently. Definitely.

He has been there since I was 3, walked me down the aisle, danced with me at my wedding, made a speech and gave me everything as a child but we don't have the same bond as him and my sister. He isn't/wasn't as invested in the mundane parts of my life like school reports and such. Neither of my parents went to my parents evenings, they were never bothered, but did go to all my sisters because he insisted my mum go with him.

It used to make me sad, then I had a baby and realised the all consuming love I have for her is not the same fondness and affectionate 'love' you feel for other family members. It doesn't mean you don't love them still. I think our relationship is much better now, and got better when I was older and didn't need a 'parent' but a supportive adults guidance. I would choose to ask him for help with certain things over my mum. I never felt I went without.

Runnyhunny maybe love isn't something you can put in a measuring jug and say person x loves more than person y, because of doing a/b/c.

I'm speculating here - maybe your DH feels he should stop short of doing everything a DF does if he thinks (deep down) it may be misread as him trying to "replace" your DCs DF. He may feel disloyal to his DCs. Maybe a multitude of sub-conscious feelings going on that are difficult to unearth.

If your relationship is strong, and this is the only sticking point, I'd cut him some slack - it sounds like he is doing his best in your family situation (based on what you have said).

Step parents invariably have a difficult balance to strike - do too much and its "it isn't appropriate, you aren't the parent", don't do enough and its "you don't love the DCs enough".

^ this isn't a criticism of your thread, just saying how hard it can be. I'd try to be realistic and not judge him harshly (if you can!).

I love my stepsons very much but was staggered by the sheer force of love I felt when we had DS.

But I think that although it's different, it is a love that needs practising. With DS it just flows and I wonder at the utter amazingness of him. With my stepsons I need to take the time to see it but that is such a rewarded effort.

Something I've been doing recently is skipping DS's nap on a Sunday so he can go to bed earlier so we can play a board game with the older two. It's a chance to be reminded of how funny and brilliant they are.

So while I don't think love can or should be forced, in OPs shoes I would be trying to encourage the bond. It could be small, like the cinema trip being a monthly thing with a milkshake after. A small tradition that becomes their own.

I have step-kids and I'm very fond of them, but I don't love them the way DP does. But, I don't NEED to. They have two parents. I care about them a lot and I would do practically anything for them, but I'm not their mother and it's not my job to act like one, really. I care about them a huge amount but I'm never going to have the same bond as I would with my own kids - they're not MINE and that makes a big difference.

I went out for a couple of years with a man who had children, I liked them, i was kind to them, was fond of them and helped them with homework and stuff. But i certainly didnt love them. Not like i love my own dd, nowhere near.

It's unreasonable to expect anything else from a partner.

Thanks all so much again. I KNOW it's unreasonable of me to expect him to love then as his own. Sometimes feelings aren't reasonable. If I'm honest from the moment I met him and saw what an amazing dad he was, I wanted some of that love for my kids. Sounds terrible doesn't it? So I guess I'm trying to make up for what they've never had- a dad. Which is to much to ask of dh.

I also feel my nose rubbed in it when his dcs show more loyalty to their own step dad and contact dh only for money- whilst at the same time watching mine spend their pocket money on little presents for him and generally adoring him. It's hard!!

I lost my marvellous dad who came into my life at 13 and with. My teenage attitude never called him dad until I kissed him as I left his dying bedside totally distraught. HE paid for my wedding and his words were you can ask your father to walk you I said OK his face fell and lit up again when I said you are aren't you. In the car he said you sure we can for home and have a cup of tea. Love him the money doesn't matter.
My kids knew him ad their grandfather andiI would never have had it different .He always said I have 2 daughters and a son sadly the sperm donor got all caring when he wanted to adopt us it was a control thing as it was we had the same surname. My mum said from threats go he always said he wanted all of us and for that I will always be grateful. Sadly there are men who cannot love their extra children

Some people can love other peoples kids as they would if they were their own. But not everyone has that ability.
The fact he does love them and does so much for them is wonderful. One day he will realise that may just care for them a little more than he realised.

I'm hesitant to write this as I don't want to project- this is my experience and my view is obviously biased.

I've been with DH since our youngest DCs were at primary, and older ones were teens. There are 6 DCs between us. I have done my damnedest to not be the stepmother from hell, and have bitten my lip many times while supporting them all through the trials and tribulations of life. His youngest has been a handful (understatement) and in hindsight, my youngest has not always had as much of our time and attention as a consequence.

Both our eldest are girls, and can do no wrong in DH's eyes, but to be fair they are lovely.

Now that my youngest is almost adult and less compliant, the gulf between them has suddenly widened; DH has not made as much effort to get to know him and love him like I have his DCs. He doesn't realise that by his lack of interest, he affects DS's self esteem as it makes him feel somehow unloveable. It's the final nail in the coffin for me as I now know that I cannot bear to stay with someone who cares so little for my child

I sincerely hope that your DCs feel cared about by your DH. He doesn't have to love them, but he does need to show that he cares.

If you had married a man who had no children, I think he might come to love your children as his own.

However, this man had children before you met him. He is never going to love your children as he does his own - although he may like them and care for them. But it's unreasonable to expect that he will see them as his own children. Because his children already exist.

Heyho Some people can love other peoples kids as they would if they were their own

Yes absolutely. Children adopted at a very young age can grow up only knowing the love of their non-biological parents and they are loved with all the affection the parents would have had for their own.

Runny certainly not from heaven, but I love kids and I grew up watching Home and Away where a family unit was much more than the immediate family or blood relatives, without discrimination. At the end of the day I accept that it is a matter of perspective and as long as a person sees their partners children as "not mine" it will be impossible to feel unconditional love for them. That said, it is much easier to accept someone else's children as your own when the children are very young/toddlers.

Thank you all for sharing your perspective. Marriednotdead what does your dh say when asked about his feeling for your youngest? Does he admit to not making the effort? I'm sorry, it's just so hurtful. You say it's the final nail in the coffin so there's obviously more going on.

I think a lot of people in second marriages are prepared to make sacrifices, weighing the good with the bad, and I guess this is a big one. He doesn't worry about mine but on the whole their lives are better for having him around, and thank you Heyho. Isthatmoelego im so sorry for your loss but how amazing that you had someone like that in your life.

Whenever I tell dh how I feel he will put himself out and make an effort getting them tickets to a concert or doing the cinema but I guess what I want for them is not material.

In answer to your question, he really cannot see any correlation between their poor relationship and his own behaviour

He maintains that he doesn't need to be his dad as his own is very much part of his life, but there's a difference between uninvolved and uninterested.

I wish I'd realised much sooner...
He's never been to any of DS's school events, or shown interest in anything much that he does. On rare occasions we've done family outings, always instigated by me. By contrast, I've stood in for DH at parents evenings and other pretty momentous events.
And yes, there's a massive backstory

My mum remarried when I was 13. Her husband is a good guy, he loves my mum, and I have always got on well with him. We are good mates.

But he's not my dad, and he never will be.

I call him by his given name. I have never once called him 'dad' and I never will. I don't regard him as my stepfather, and I always refer to him as 'my mum's husband'

Do I love him? No, and I'm sure he would say the same about me.

OP, it sounds to me like your husband and your kids have a very good relationship. That's good, and if I were you I would be happy with the situation rather than having unrealistic expectations of a deeper bond.

I really understand how you feel. My DP is really nice to my DC, but in a slightly remote way. He won't sit and talk to them about their day, but he will think of fun things for us all to do, cooks for them, takes us all out places, etc. He has kids of his own.

I miss living with my DC's father, for those shared moments of love. I do miss that, a lot.

But... DP's slight detachment has advantages. He is less likely than I am to be caught up in emotional stress about the kids, he sees things clearly. He is always very calm with them (more than I am!), sorts out their disputes with absolute fairness, and is like a friendly Uncle.

But he never reads them bedtime stories, or volunteers to take them to the park without me, or little things like that. Unless I ask him (whereupon he'll do it happily). I find that tiring, sometimes I feel a bit caught in the middle.

God, written down, my DP sounds like a bit of a selfish twat!

My step dad and mum married when I was 7. They had my step sis when I was 10. He definitely doesn't love me like his own. BUT I find that completely understandable. Don't get me wrong, it's sometimes been hard to swallow, my sister has been brought up completely different to me. I have my actual dad though and step mum.

My step dad and I are fond of each other and I'm glad he's in my life but I definitely don't love him like my dad and he doesn't love me as his own. He ADORES my DD though and has her at least once a week when we're working whereas my own dad only sees her maybe once a month for a couple of hours, through circumstances.

I can completely understand why you feel like you do OP but, as previously mentioned, it seems like you're projecting your anger and upset at your son's real dad not being in the picture onto your now DH. Your son has that missing from his life and you want your DH to step up. It does sound like your DH is still going a good job with him and that shouldn't be overlooked when you hear so many awful stories on here about how bio dad's treat their kids!

I would be concerned though about what your son realises about this situation as he'll know he's treated differently and he doesn't have his real dad on the scene so your DH does have a responsibility to your son I feel as I'm worried it could affect your sons self esteem.

Marriednotdead mine also says he doesn't need to be ds's dad because ds has one (who is not part of his life). He has always said me being so close to ds stops anyone else getting close, which simply isnt true. Did you ask your Dh to school events and he actually refused? If so you have my sympathy.

Whatsgoingon my situation is very much like yours. He will think of nice things for us all to do, but doesn't go the extra mile or worry about their futures- that's only for his own. He does have life insurance for mine though- likes to be seen to be bieng fair.

Thissickbeat funnily enough my children accept the situation far better than I do, placing no expectations on dh.

I love my step son the same as my own but that's not to say he doesn't irritate me at times, there again my own do too sometimes, it feels the same really! I have known him since age 12 and now he is 24 we are very close.

I think maybe he does love them more than you think?

He has always said me being so close to ds stops anyone else getting close, which simply isnt true
Are you sure there isn't something in that though?

It's hard to feel "needed" as a parent if the child's real parent is always there and doing a competent job of it. Could you engineer more situations where your DH is left in charge of your DS? Doesn't have to be treat times together, could be cooking a meal together?

Also have you talked to your DH about how he feels about your DS's dad not being in his life? Do you think maybe he's a bit resentful about that?