Dh doesn't love my kids

[Runnyhunny]

Step dad's a kind man. Nice to them and fair. Helps when asked. But for some irrational reason, that's not enough for me. He doesn't get involved with schoolwork, motivate them and encourage them, worry about them as he does his own. Has known mine since they were fairly small. Is it really possible in a second marriage to deeply love your partner when you know he doesn't love your kids?

I think that as long as he is being kind and fair to your DCs you should base your relationship on how happy everyone is, not whether there is real parental love there.

My dp and I are completely in love, he is wonderful to me. I like his DCs, but certainly wouldn't say I love them. He probably would say he loves mine well some of them anyway but certainly not to the same extent that he loves his own.

He doesn't play a parental role most of the time, but will back me up with my eldest if I'm struggling with him. He has been to the occasional school concert but would certainly never come to parents evening or anything official in place of XH. He wouldn't help with homework unless they specifically asked him something and he will read a story to all of the DCs if his are staying with us, but wouldn't do it just for mine, which is totally fair enough and they probably wouldn't want him tucking them in instead of me, they want their mum to sit with them and say goodnight.

I think that if you will only accept a total immersion in the nuclear family, you will really narrow your chance of a successful relationship.

My dp and I treasure our time together without the DCs, we limit the amount of time we are together with them all as it can be stressful and when it's both of us with just my DCs he stays on the side lines. It works well for us and means that we're not always dealing with the domestic drudgery, we are first and foremost a couple rather than a family, which means we can concentrate on making each other happy.

I can't see the original quote in bold at the start of yellowdaisies post, but fwiw I feel very much like this with DP's youngest dd. She is very reliant on him and wants him to do everything for her, so if I offer to get something she will blank me and ask him to do it, if the other DCs are getting breakfast for themselves she will wait and get her dad to sort hers out when he gets up, when they are all playing together she's asking him to do something with her or sitting with him playing on his phone. It makes it very difficult for anyone else to get close to her.

whatsgoingoneh I thought your dp sounded like he had it just right, not selfish at all!

Just seen that quote in your last post OP. I would really look at this as if your dp has mentioned it, you should really consider how this comes across. I'm sure my dp doesn't think he does 'too much' for his dd, she's his 'baby' and he wants to look after her, but it does breed resentment among the other DCs (his other dd too) and frustrates me too when I see him mollycoddling her.

BallsforEarrings he forgot to turn up at ds's parents evening recently. I was upset as his own ds's schooling is so important to him, just never would've happened.

I think it's amazing you feel like you do about your step son having only met him when he was 12, he's one lucky boy x

I live in Spain, and find that Spanish has words for different types of love that can be useful: you have "cariño", which is the kind of affection you feel for people you see on a regular basis and like, and then you have "amor", which is intense love proper. When someone tells their partner that they feel "cariño" for them but not "amor", it's a rather bad thing.

However, it's perfectly normal to feel "cariño" for your partner's children - you are fond of them, you like them, you wish them well, you enjoy spending some time with them - but "amor" for your own. It's a different kind of love, but love nonetheless.

It wasn't the fact he didn't come that upset me- after all I managed fine before I met him- more that it meant so little to him that he forgot.

I think your expectations may be very high.

But then, I forgot to go to DC's special assembly this week so I'm sympathetic to people who forget school stuff.

AmyEliotdunne I personally do not want a husband who stays on the sidelines and only reads the kids a story if his own are present. But I can see you are happy and that's what works for you. I want a hands on husband who is willing to immerse himself in ALL of our lives. I too love my dh- he spends his life trying to make me and everyone around him happy- and I'm trying so hard not to let this ruin our relationship.

But it will ruin your relationship if you try to force something that has to come naturally for it to mean anything.

Like a PP has said, it's like the difference between your DM and your MIL, plenty of people love their MIL, call them mum etc but there isn't always the same bond that you have with your own DM, even after many years. If your DP insisted that you love his DM as much as your own and think of them both equally, otherwise it means you don't truly love him, as they are family and so come as a package, you'd think he was barking.

You can ask your DH to change his behaviour - sounds like you sometimes do, and he listens to you.

But you can't ask anyone to change the way they feel about something. They can't do it. All you can do is to try to set things up to give him the opportunity to develop a closer relationship, and try to accept that he feels the way he feels and that's OK.

Funnily enough Amy a friend also made the point of me not loving his mother like my own. Thanks Daisy, he doesn't have much interest in getting closer to d's but will gladly 'do his bit' and take him out.

As its the only problem in our relationship I'm going to take on board all your really sensible advice and do my damdest not to care x