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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh doesn't love my kids

88 replies

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 19:48

Step dad's a kind man. Nice to them and fair. Helps when asked. But for some irrational reason, that's not enough for me. He doesn't get involved with schoolwork, motivate them and encourage them, worry about them as he does his own. Has known mine since they were fairly small. Is it really possible in a second marriage to deeply love your partner when you know he doesn't love your kids?

OP posts:

Sleepingbunnies · 11/02/2015 20:58

I disagree with the posters saying you could never love someone else's kids as your own. I know my stepmum loves all of us with the fierce protectiveness of a biological mother, and since my mum died when I was very small I love her in exactly the same way.

I don't know if I could be with someone that didn't love my children. I don't know, it's a hard question to answer ...

Only1scoop · 11/02/2015 21:00

I think you are trying to fill the gap of their father....which he obviously isn't....and indeed shouldn't have to ....he is never going to love them like you do.

I think it's time to accept his strengths with them as you can obviously not force these feelings.

Rebecca2014 · 11/02/2015 21:03

Ok as a single mum I would not expect a man to love my child as his own. I expect him to treat her fairly and be kind etc but you can't force it can you?

ModreB · 11/02/2015 21:07

I am the child in this situation, although am an adult now. None of my SF (there were 3) treated me as their own child, but the one that I liked the most, made obviously sure that I was clothed, fed, and had the school trips that I wanted. If your DH is doing this, he is one of the best.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 21:07

Thanks Pictish and all. Rudy yes dh is the only 'dad' they have, and that's why I'm feeling as irrational as I am, expecting too much of him.

Backforgood and Millie you both make perfect sense. I do have a good man who does more for my kids than some real dads and am so grateful that I can give my children a stable home, not to mention the lifestyle dh willingly gives my kids. Reading this I feel so ungrateful. I guess that's why people say everything's a compromise in second marriages.

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yellowdaisies · 11/02/2015 21:08

I'm very fond of my DSC but I just don't have the same strength of bond with them I do with my own DCs. And I'd say my DH is similar with my own DC. Actually he's probably less close to them because he's at work longer hours and doesn't do so much with them. I do think of you're kind and fair to your DSC and try to take an interest in their lives that's as much as anyone should ask.

One thing that I've found helps to build a bond is spending time with DSC when their parent isn't around. It's also good if you can find a common interest to bond over. Would encouraging more of a connection help your DC have a bond with your DP?

But the thing that reassures me that it's OK that my DC don't get the love from DH that they do from me is that they're quite happy with it. They don't expect the same from him as they do from me.

kittensinmydinner · 11/02/2015 21:17

No I don't love my dsc as I do my own. I have been married to their dad for a long time and since they were very young. I do not get involved in their school work etc because they have a do for that and my DH. I am very fond of them, yes but absolutely no comparison to how I feel about my own dc. I think you Abu to expect it and even more u to force it. That he is kind and considerate ought to be enough..

Tutt · 11/02/2015 21:18

I think you are expecting far too much. He provides/helps and nurtures your children and that is the word YOUR, I bet he's very fond of them and as long as he is kind and respectful I think anything else is a bonus.
I don't love my ss and my feelings are no where near the feelings I have for my own DS BUT I adore my DH, I love him with all my heart.
I do think people put so much pressure on families and how we are supposed to feel and that is why the divorce rate with 2nd marriages is so high.
We are not blended or natural we are thrown together because 2 people love each other and are muddling and juggling as best they can, don't put unreasonable expectations on the marriage.

scribblescrabble · 11/02/2015 21:20

I love my (adult) step daughter, not as much as my own dc's but more than my best friends!

Enidblytonrules · 11/02/2015 21:20

I have sdcs who actually are a similar age to me, also dh and I have 2 of our own. I have never attempted to 'feel love' for my sdcs more I am a friend to them. You cannot force an emotion like love and as Georgina stated there is different kinds of love - for my sdcs it is a love of a friend, for my own dcs it is a more nurturing parental love.

30andtired · 11/02/2015 21:21

I have a teenage DSS and have been around since he was young. He lives with us, we also have 2 younger DCs.

I love DSS, no question about that, however, for me, it isn't that Unconditional Love I have for my own. He's a good kid and I get along very well with him, I go out of my way for him, but he isn't mine.

DP knows how I feel, and says he loves me more due to the fact that I put myself out for him, that I do all his washing, ironing, cooking, give him lifts, etc.

I explained to DP that I love him much like I love my siblings or even DP, I'd do anything for them, but sometimes, things they do, can annoy me, like chewing loudly for example. I'd never voice this annoyance, I'd simply put my feelings away to not upset them, which is compromising when it comes to love. However, the unconditional love I have for my DCs, I can't ever imagine feeling annoyance at trivial things.

So my point is, if your DH is kind and fair to your DC, I think he's doing a great job.

SaucyJack · 11/02/2015 21:22

From my own perspective of my relationship with my daughters' older half-brother, it didn't/doesn't feel as though it is my place to love him as one of my own- like I'd be overstepping the mark if you like. He has a real mum of his own that he has that bond with- he didn't need to have it with me.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 21:25

Crje I know my expectations are mad. I am trying so hard to give him a break. Charley50 no he is definitely completely different with his own, and as pp have said I know that is normal, am just trying to accept it on a daily basis.

Yellowdaisies yes dh takes dd out driving (learning) but she's happy anyway with the status quo and adores him. It's more ds who's missing having a dad. Dh will take him to the cinema but doesn't take too much interest in his day to day life or future. He certainly doesn't invest in him as he does with his own. But I know.. that's normal and why should he. Doesn't stop it hurting though. Thanks for all your truthful replies.

OP posts:

pictish · 11/02/2015 21:28

"I do have a good man who does more for my kids than some real dads and am so grateful that I can give my children a stable home, not to mention the lifestyle dh willingly gives my kids."

There you go. On balance, things are going pretty well.

yellowdaisies · 11/02/2015 21:45

Do you think it's more because DS is a boy that you feel he needs more from your DH as a dad? I'd keep on encouraging them to do some things together and maybe it'll build up a bit. You can help them on their way but ultimately it's up to your DH and DS to work out their own relationship.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 21:47

I know Pictish thanks x perhaps i just have a self destruct button!

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aneesa28 · 11/02/2015 21:47

SleepingBunnies I totally agree. I treated my 2dsc as my own, I have still kept Mother's Day cards handmade for me by dsc saying "I love you" to the best mum in the world, he would cry when we all played and spent time together that his own mother doesn't so the same, and they always looked forward to coming to stay with us. That is until their biological mother told me to back off because "you're not their mum". The good thing was she began to dedicate a lot more time and effort towards them. Even now when they come round their father doesn't spend much time with them, leaving them to play console games and on their iPads all day long. DH has never loved my 2ds like his own and it saddens me too because their dad doesn't do anything for them and they refer to their stepmum as "an evil stepmother just like in fairytales". However I don't expect DH to treat them as he does his own, and he never provides for them (or me) financially. We live in harmony together with no expectations and my boys want for nothing so they are happy. There's no right and wrong, I just wish compassion was more present in human nature.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 11/02/2015 21:48

I can see why this is something that would bother you. Your DH sounds like he is a lovely man and a great step-father, but that isn't the same as having your partner feel the same way as you do about the dc. Those moments when you are full of love or pride or even frustration and you look over and know that your partner is feeling the same things

Some step-parents do love their dc but I do think it depends a lot on the circumstances of the new relationship. My DH loves his step-sons wholeheartedly, but I think that only happened because they were very young when he met them and at that time their father wasn't on the scene. He fell in love with them very quickly and I will admit that if that had not happened I would have accepted it but been a bit saddened by it

So, yes I can completely see why this is something that bothers you, and in an ideal world he would love them as his own. But if that isn't happening it still sounds like the set up you've is great, your dc are being brought up in a loving stable household with affection and support from and love from you. That is more than enough, and even if you feel a bit sad I'm sure they feel nothing but content with how things are

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 21:53

Yes Yellowdaisies ds feels his dad's absence more as he is younger. When dh makes the effort ds laps it up, just that It doesn't happen very often!

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aneesa28 · 11/02/2015 21:54

Brilliant answer IAmNotAPrincess

yellowdaisies · 11/02/2015 21:59

Well worth pointing it out to your DH when it does happen I think. Have you tried telling him how much DS looks up to him and enjoys having him around? That might work better than reproaching him about not loving him as he does his own.

Jollyphonics · 11/02/2015 22:01

My stepdad has known me since I was a baby, and I know he's very fond of me, but I'm certain he doesn't love me. I feel the same way about him. However, he really does love my kids, is the most devoted grandfather ever, and they adore him.

I have had 3 stepmothers - one was kind, one was pleasant but distant, and one was a downright bitch.

Step families are never straightforward, and I think what you've got sounds pretty good.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 22:01

Iamnotaprincess your first paragraph sums up word for word how I feel. Am so pleased you met your dh when your kids were little, maybe that does make a difference. Does your dh also have his own?

Aneesa you sound like the step mum from heaven. As you say, there's no right or wrong.

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Original poster

Runnyhunny · 11/02/2015 22:07

Jollyphonics that's so good to hear. I've heard that before and I wonder why. Here's hoping!

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Bluetonic123 · 12/02/2015 14:41

I don’t have children but my boyfriend does. It’s a different situation as I don’t live with him but while I care for his children I don’t love them in the same way I love my nephew let alone as I would hope I would love my own. I don’t think it’s a reasonable thing to ask of someone.

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