Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

can anyone support me a little please

100 replies

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 09:44

Long story but been married 31 yrs and have 2 grown up children. My h has been acting a pratt for about the last 5 yrs I put it down to mid life crisis. Anyway he went out last friday to the pub where my daughter works and she said he was blatantly flirting with a girl the same age as my daughter. He left the pub with her and her friend and boyfriend who he is friends (one of sons best friends) with.
He claims he went to look at the other couples home and the other girl went straight home. However sons friend has told son that yes he went to theirs but left immediately and then crossed over to the other girls house and knocked the door, she was horrified apparently as she had just gone in and put her pjs on. I confronted him and he said he only looked around the house it only came to light yesterday that he knocked on girls door. I had a row with him last night with son there and I said why did you knock on her door and he said...cos she was better than you! My son flew at him and it turned into a massive fight. I rang the police and h ran away and took my purse on his way out. My son went home to his wife after chatting to the police and consoling me but he was pouring with blood. I am devastated. I have texted this morning saying his bags will be in the back garden after 11am. What now, can anyone help me please

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 09:50

Sorry you've had such a dramatic and traumatic experience. If he's out of the house now probably best to have a period of calm while you decide what to do next. Were any of the events described out of character or has something like this happened before? Other than your DCs, does anyone else know what happened?

GoatsDoRoam · 11/02/2015 09:58

You have already done what you needed to do, by calling the police, and informing your husband that his bags will be in the garden later today.

What a shock.
You have acted well; now the emotional aftershock is what you need to deal with.

Do you have a close friend who can come around for support and sympathy?

Will you be able to cope when your husband tries to return, either begging or expecting everything to fall back into place again? (You are perfectly entitled not to open the door and not to speak to him until you feel ready to, you know.)

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 10:05

Thanks for replying I am grateful
I am shaking like a leaf and my heart is pounding.
Only my dcs know what has happened and yes he has hit my son in the past and I left him once for a week because of it. The police were called that time and when I saw my walls covered in my sons blood I vowed not to go back but I did.
I hope he just takes his things and goes as I cant cope with much more today.

Don't know how to get my purse back either but I have £20 in the house

OP posts:

Adarajames · 11/02/2015 10:08

You are so right to be telling him to go, what a horrid situation for you and your son. Wrt your purse, if it has bank cards in it, call the bank asap and get them stopped do he can't wipe out any balance you may have, and you can arrange to get money out using other ID until you get new cards. Stay strong and for you

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 10:10

Thanks so much, I have transferred my money into the savings account so only left £10 to withdraw. Wish I could relax though I am so shaky

OP posts:

FuckyNell · 11/02/2015 10:10

Don't let that evil fucker back.

Pastmyduedate0208 · 11/02/2015 10:13

Dear oh dear he sounds like a rapist in the making.

GoatsDoRoam · 11/02/2015 10:14

YY to calling the bank and blocking your cards.
You can inform the police of the theft of your bag, if you haven't done so already.

It's worrying that he has form for violence.

You say that you went back to him after a violent incident in the past. What could you do differently this time, so that you don't find yourself repeating the same pattern again?

I do think you need to open up to someone trusted, tell them what you have been going through and how emotional you feel now.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 10:19

He is an aggressive person he grits his teeth to get his point over, A total bully as was his father. The police have said I dont have to let him in again.
All my friends are at work so cant bother them and my Mum is nearly 80. She has just rang and asked how we all are including him, I just lied and said we are all fine

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/02/2015 10:22

It might be wise to consider why you went back to him after he hit your son. I suspect he is going to try to pressure you in the same way this time as well and if you can sort out in your own mind what caused you to act against your better judgement you will be better prepared to stand up for yourself this time.

Can your son help you put some chains on external doors to make it harder for him to get back in? I agree you need to report the theft of your handbag.

Can the police advise on how you can keep him away from the property? With a history of violence (albeit directed against your son rather than you) I would hope you could get a non-molestation order but you need proper advice. I would also try to call Women's Aid.

Can you tell people in real life too? You need support and have nothing to be ashamed of. Is his stuff outside and waiting?

tribpot · 11/02/2015 10:23

Cross posted with you. Have the police explained why you don't have to let him in, does he not live there? (I don't think you should let him in, btw, just trying to understand if this is a condition of his bail or what).

Please do phone a friend. Even if one can't get out of work to be with you physically it will help to know people are on board and wanting to support you once work finishes. I can understand why you didn't want to tell your mum.

Bifauxnen · 11/02/2015 10:26

Does he have keys? Would you be able to securely lock him out if he came back?

cozietoesie · 11/02/2015 10:28

Do you have someone close that could come round- a friend or brother, say ? (More difficult during the working week, I know.) It really does make a huge difference to things to have someone there who's got your back.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 10:28

The police just said tell him out of the upstairs window he cant come in and I could call them if I wanted them here when he collects his stuff, yes he does live here. He isnt on bail as he fled.

I took him back because I am a very soft forgiving person but there wasnt another woman involved and his words...cos she was better than you was the last straw. He always flirts round very young girls, he hangs off their every word and it is hurtful

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 11/02/2015 10:31

He's been acting like this for 5 years? (Or are there other 'pratnesses' as well?)

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 10:37

Just for the last 5yrs I feel like he is playing one long game, ignores me when we are out to chat to his mates, never saying he loves me, never asking how I feel, never compliments me etc.

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/02/2015 10:40

Jesus this poor girl is not 'involved', she was sexually harassed by an old git. An old git who seems to have form as a predator of very young women, awful.

I'm surprised that showing 'interest' (for want of a better term) was the final straw after what sounds like a previously very violent incident involving your son but it may help to examine your motives in a bit more detail. Why on earth would you even want to forgive him? Was it money or fear of being alone, or did he convince you that your son had provoked him or something? He's likely to trot out the same lines this time around and you need to not be 'soft' when he does so.

I would ask the police to be present when he collects his stuff. If he fled the scene, are they not looking for him?

CocktailQueen · 11/02/2015 10:43

sounds like the relationship has run its course, for many reasons, not just the violence.

You did the right thing, op. don't let him back in the house. Ring a friend.
hugs. x

RubbishMantra · 11/02/2015 10:49

Bless you. You'll be some much happier without this stalkerish, thieving weirdo bloke in your life.

RubbishMantra · 11/02/2015 10:50

*So, not some

RubbishMantra · 11/02/2015 10:53

And yes, definitely police there when he picks up his stuff.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 10:55

Yes I know I will be happier it's just dealing with the practicalities as he is a bully. I have locked the doors and kept the keys in so he can't unlock the doors. The police said they will have a word with him but my son didn't press charges

OP posts:

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 11:02

I will call my best friend later when she finishes work. I have no family close by just my Mum and the children and grandchildren

OP posts:

Original poster

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 11:04

I cant have the police here as he could turn up at any time, he has not replied to my text where I said it will be in the garden after 11am. His phone may have died as I am guessing he spent the night in the car

OP posts:

Bifauxnen · 11/02/2015 11:07

Glad the place is secure. Any of your friends finish early? I'm sure they wouldn't want you left on your own at the moment.

Flip

1 2 3 4