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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can anyone support me a little please

100 replies

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 09:44

Long story but been married 31 yrs and have 2 grown up children. My h has been acting a pratt for about the last 5 yrs I put it down to mid life crisis. Anyway he went out last friday to the pub where my daughter works and she said he was blatantly flirting with a girl the same age as my daughter. He left the pub with her and her friend and boyfriend who he is friends (one of sons best friends) with.
He claims he went to look at the other couples home and the other girl went straight home. However sons friend has told son that yes he went to theirs but left immediately and then crossed over to the other girls house and knocked the door, she was horrified apparently as she had just gone in and put her pjs on. I confronted him and he said he only looked around the house it only came to light yesterday that he knocked on girls door. I had a row with him last night with son there and I said why did you knock on her door and he said...cos she was better than you! My son flew at him and it turned into a massive fight. I rang the police and h ran away and took my purse on his way out. My son went home to his wife after chatting to the police and consoling me but he was pouring with blood. I am devastated. I have texted this morning saying his bags will be in the back garden after 11am. What now, can anyone help me please

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 12/02/2015 13:43

And the obvious question - are you filing for divorce now?

Blossomflowers · 12/02/2015 14:55

wft Glad you had a peaceful night and hope locks are changed and money secure. Hopefully he will stay away and give you space, though unlikely. Hos is your son?

Ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2015 15:10

I've not read the full thread, only your posts wtf

Re being intimidated by him, you have been conditioned and abused. Of course you're scared of him - please don't think it's as "simple" as "growing a pair". Be kind to yourself, give yourself some time and space and do what is right for YOU.

Blossomflowers · 12/02/2015 16:26

ohf I respectfully disagree, after suffering years of bullying and abuse that exact what wft needs to do. In my experience it works when you have enough of being passive and take action.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2015 16:42

I just meant that "growing a pair" seems to be a bit of an over-simplification, and I would be a bit concerned that it would be a huge task to undertake all at once.

I wonder if taking things one step at a time, building up to having mahoosive gonads as an end point, might be easier? I've (thankfully) never been in the position of having suffered bullying and abuse in a relationship, but having watched others go through it, it was a gradual process. Coming to terms with what has happened is difficult.

More than happy to be corrected - I know it takes huge strength to get away from an abusive, manipulating arsehole

ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 12/02/2015 16:48

You have done the absolutely correct thing. Get this nasty, manipulative man out of your life - and be careful he doesn't know if you go away on holiday. He might take that as an opportunity, if your house is unattended.

Warn your mother not to open the door to him. These men get very angry once they realise we are serious and won't fall for the lies again.

Blossomflowers · 12/02/2015 16:51

Ohf This has been going on for 5 years for the OP, I think she has taken the first huge step of kicking the bully out, now has to keep it up and be strong/ We agree on him being an arsehole, if my partner blackened my sons eyes I would not be responsible for my actions.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2015 17:12

Completely agree with you Blossom - it is a huge step and staying strong is a must. I just think "one step at a time" is an easier way forward than "just grow a pair". I suppose I just feel like one is a gradual coming to terms with the extent that she has been abused as she feels ready, the other is a "pull yourself together statement". Not that either way warrants a way back, of course.

May well be my issue, but I suppose I find the idea that someone just has to "grow a pair" as being an overly simplistic way of looking at it. Perhaps it's all semantics, I don't know - I just don't feel that it's the most helpful of phrases and probably doesn't take into account the kindness op should be showing herself ATM.

3211123 · 13/02/2015 07:33

Isn't it just so hard to know what to do for the best sometimes?
I was married to a bully for 19 years, been divorced 22 years, and my bastard still intrudes into my life through our children.
They get angry still, but mainly at me for staying as long as I did.

Be as brave as you can, try not to think to much about the future, deal with the here and now otherwise you will drive yourself nuts. And remember none of this is your fault, he is a grown man and therefore it should follow responsible for his own actions, he's stuffed up, and has gone into hiding like a frightened rabbit. If you want this to end then be as honest as you can with yourself. You have a right to a peaceful life, without fear, you will get there and f**k him and get rid.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 13/02/2015 08:42

Great advice again everyone thank you. Lock is changed and my cards were all fine so no harm done there. He texted me for his phone charger and so I said he could get it and when he came I just threw it to him out of the upstairs window and he just went. My son is ok thank you although I havent seen him but I dont really want to at the moment until his face is better as it will destroy me.
I have told some friends and they are all being fantastic.

I feel strong!

OP posts:

Blossomflowers · 13/02/2015 13:41

Wtf Well done on changing the locks, you sound stronger which is brilliant, try and do something nice for you this weekend.

Oh your poor son, sounds like it was quite bad, how old is he btw, I have a 23 year old and he is still my baby despite being a dad himself

Original poster

wtfshallido · 13/02/2015 14:52

Thank you Blossom you have been a rock. He is 29 but still my baby as well.
I am feeling very determined to see this through took my rings off last night.
I havent planned anything but will probably meet up with friends over the weekend for a drink. I know it is early days and at some point things will turn bad with him as I know he will try and get me back but I feel ready to face it now.
The image of what he did to my son and the words he said will keep me feeling strong

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Blossomflowers · 13/02/2015 16:48

No doubt he will be back trying get into your good books, just keep that thought about your sons face and it will keep you strong.
Funny enough it was something horrible my X said about our son which finally made me kick him out and we had been together for 21 years, nothing as dramatic as your situation though
Def try and meet up with your friend nothing better than a chat in RL, maybe bit a retail therapy now you have your cards back.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 13/02/2015 17:07

I have just been shopping with my daughter and bought a new dress and she bought me a little plaque that says Do what makes you happy
Feeling good!

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Original poster

wtfshallido · 13/02/2015 17:08

Sounds like your x was as bad as mine, why do they pick on their sons, their own flesh and blood I can't understand it at all

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Blossomflowers · 13/02/2015 18:43

Oh wtf Well at least he did not beat him up, just verbally horrible, a lot was down to depression and booze. A year down the road we are quite good friends now. Ya Ya for the new dress, just got find somewhere nice to wear it. Keep posting and stay stong

Original poster

wtfshallido · 14/02/2015 08:11

Thanks will do

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Original poster

wtfshallido · 16/02/2015 12:40

He is texting me now and has just upset me all over again!

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Blossomflowers · 16/02/2015 12:58

wtf Oh sorry you are feeling sad. What is he saying the ass.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 16/02/2015 13:17

Just he never meant to hurt me and will be sorry forever, he was looking for affection with ow! He realises he was putting a wedge between us now etc.etc.
Was doing really well but now feel all upset

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Original poster

wtfshallido · 16/02/2015 13:32

said he is guilty and in the wrong.
I dont want him back but why is he doing this and upsetting me again!

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 16/02/2015 13:54

I think your rejection has come as a shock to him. He's the bully, the abuser, the one in charge who dictates your fear. In some ways you have totally freaked him out and bloody well done for doing so!

Of course you'll be upset at his whining and pathetic attempts to get you back on the leash. You are suddenly free to feel the trauma you've been enduring for the last 5yrs. The pain is better out but the upset is probably all yours, he's just the nasty trigger because now you are free of him. I know it doesn't quite feel like safe and free yet, but it will. You will get through the huge wash of emotion and change and you'll start to be your true self again. Strong, brave and independent

Original poster

wtfshallido · 16/02/2015 14:06

Thank Tipsy what a lovely reply
It just messed with my emotions a bit when he said he is now full of self loathing, disgust and unhappiness at how he has become

I have GOT to stay strong!

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Blossomflowers · 16/02/2015 14:27

Wtf It has all come a bit too late for self loathing and self sympathy. If you have decided you do not want to spend one more minute with this bully then don't. Keep busy keep strong and keep posting here.

Original poster

wtfshallido · 16/02/2015 14:29

Thanks Blossom I will, your support means a lot

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