Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can anyone support me a little please

100 replies

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 09:44

Long story but been married 31 yrs and have 2 grown up children. My h has been acting a pratt for about the last 5 yrs I put it down to mid life crisis. Anyway he went out last friday to the pub where my daughter works and she said he was blatantly flirting with a girl the same age as my daughter. He left the pub with her and her friend and boyfriend who he is friends (one of sons best friends) with.
He claims he went to look at the other couples home and the other girl went straight home. However sons friend has told son that yes he went to theirs but left immediately and then crossed over to the other girls house and knocked the door, she was horrified apparently as she had just gone in and put her pjs on. I confronted him and he said he only looked around the house it only came to light yesterday that he knocked on girls door. I had a row with him last night with son there and I said why did you knock on her door and he said...cos she was better than you! My son flew at him and it turned into a massive fight. I rang the police and h ran away and took my purse on his way out. My son went home to his wife after chatting to the police and consoling me but he was pouring with blood. I am devastated. I have texted this morning saying his bags will be in the back garden after 11am. What now, can anyone help me please

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/02/2015 11:08

Okay, get the stuff out into the garden, make sure the doors are locked and the curtains drawn downstairs. Then get yourself upstairs, mobile to hand but also charging.

Start to get yourself some legal advice - you need to be able to keep him away from you and just hoping he'll go quietly is unlikely.

Bifauxnen · 11/02/2015 11:09

Xposts. Tbh it would probably be best if the police were there.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2015 11:23

Oh OP well done on getting him out. I'm sosorry you're going through this

Have you cancelled any cards that are in the purse?

GoatsDoRoam · 11/02/2015 11:29

He will try to worm his way back in.
You know that you are "soft and forgiving".

You therefore need some strategies in place to avoid getting caught up in the same old, same old.

Calling the police was good. So is putting his stuff in the garden.
Reporting him for theft of your handbag is good.
Calling the police when he returns and tries to talk to you will be very wise. They will come over and be there to supervise that he just gathers his stuff and goes.

He has no intention of gathering his stuff and going, by the way. He wants to play by his own rules, which is for you to back down and let him put his feet back under the table. He will not be gathering his stuff from the garden on your say-so (that would be an indignity for such a man).

Joysmum · 11/02/2015 11:44

Have you reported the theft of your purse?

Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 11:47

oh wtf so sorry you are going through this, your H sounds like a horrible nasty bully. Is your DS OK? How are you feeling now?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 12:14

goats its like you know us both!

I have asked my son in law to come and change the locks as otherwise I have to be in all the time or else he can let himself in.
I havent reported my purse and not cancelled my cards as I have transferred the money into a savings account.
You are all being so kind thank you I feel a bit better. My son is ok he has gone into work with two black eyes and a swollen nose, breaks my heart.
I have had a long chat with my daughter and she said the girl was saying things like I wish I could find the right man etc and he was saying he is in a dead end marriage. My daughter was fuming

OP posts:
Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 12:16

Goats what do you think his next move will be?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 11/02/2015 12:23

Have your son's injuries been photographed and checked out? He might have fractures. Your H should be prosecuted for this crime as well as the theft of your purse. Please, please see this through.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 12:34

No the police didn't take photos

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 12:38

Matil I believe the OP said her son threw the first punch? Sorry if I got that wrong, but her H could argue self defence.?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 13:54

No sign of him yet, I feel very jumpy

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 14:00

Wtf Do you know where he might be, is there anyone who can come and have a coffee with you?

GoatsDoRoam · 11/02/2015 14:27

Here is what bullies do to try and regain control:

  • Minimize their behaviour. "It was nothing."
  • Denial. "Oh, you're still going on about that? Get over it. What's for dinner?"
  • Blame someone else. "You made me do it."
  • Threats. "If you leave me, I will make your life hell!"
  • Pleading. "Can't you give me just one more chance?"
  • Martyrdom. "It's always my fault, isn't it!"
  • Violence.

You can expect any and all of these, in quick succession.
Since your children are grown up and have left home, you can and must institute no contact. That means changing your phone number, your email address, throwing out letters unread, and calling the police to remove him from your doorstep when he turns up in person.

He has been manipulating you for years. He knows how to do it. You are not yet free from his control: any interaction you have with him, even if it's to tell him off, is a reward to him and keeps you hooked.

The best way for you to get strong and stay strong is to completely protect yourself from any interaction with him.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 14:44

He just turned up and tried the door then he peered through the window. He was banging on the window shouting open the door and I said no go away your things are outside. I picked the phone up to call my daughter and he jumped in the car and drove away as I suppose he thought I was calling the police. I am shaking like a jelly!!

OP posts:
Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 14:46

I am terrified of him now

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 14:48

Glad he went away but maybe next time the first people you should call are the police? You're clearly very frightened

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 14:52

I am I was afraid to put the rubbish out earlier

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 14:53

Oh poor you, listen to cog she always offers great advice. Have you changed the locks yet?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:04

My daughter is just buying some

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/02/2015 15:05

Yes, I would call the police. And I would probably not stay there tonight on your own, can your son come over, or you go and stay with one of your children?

Next step is to find out how you can keep him away. I would phone the police to let him know he's been back (and been intimidating you) and ask them for advice. Can you block his number from your phone? I assume he hasn't returned your purse, so you need to get on with ordering replacement cards.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 15:08

You could call 101, tell them he's been back and that you're frightened. See what they suggest.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:10

I dont need to block him as he wont call me, if he does then I can. I don't want to have to leave here I have done nothing wrong and he shouldnt drive me out of my home.
No he will keep my purse now I guess so I had better ring the bank
Just checked and his stuff has gone so with any luck he wont come back

OP posts:
Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:11

Dont like wasting police time though

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 15:14

You will not be wasting police time, that is why they are there. If he is prepared to blacken your sons eyes then no telling what he is capable of. Do not be afraid to call them.