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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can anyone support me a little please

100 replies

wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 09:44

Long story but been married 31 yrs and have 2 grown up children. My h has been acting a pratt for about the last 5 yrs I put it down to mid life crisis. Anyway he went out last friday to the pub where my daughter works and she said he was blatantly flirting with a girl the same age as my daughter. He left the pub with her and her friend and boyfriend who he is friends (one of sons best friends) with.
He claims he went to look at the other couples home and the other girl went straight home. However sons friend has told son that yes he went to theirs but left immediately and then crossed over to the other girls house and knocked the door, she was horrified apparently as she had just gone in and put her pjs on. I confronted him and he said he only looked around the house it only came to light yesterday that he knocked on girls door. I had a row with him last night with son there and I said why did you knock on her door and he said...cos she was better than you! My son flew at him and it turned into a massive fight. I rang the police and h ran away and took my purse on his way out. My son went home to his wife after chatting to the police and consoling me but he was pouring with blood. I am devastated. I have texted this morning saying his bags will be in the back garden after 11am. What now, can anyone help me please

OP posts:
lunar1 · 11/02/2015 15:14

This is what the police are there for. You should give them a ring and get some advice.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:15

My daughter has just said they are taking me to Spain for a break first week of March, that has cheered me up

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 15:17

If my X gave my DS black eyes (23) I would probably been the one behind bars as I would have killed him myself. You need to get a little mad now

GoatsDoRoam · 11/02/2015 15:20

Poor you, of course you're shaking.

Do call the police. They know the history, and if you tell them you fear further violence or intimidation by your husband they can probably flag your phone number and address so that the nearest patrol car can get to your house quickly if you ever call again.

And while you're speaking to them, also report the theft of your handbag.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:20

You are right Blossom maybe its time I grew a pair and stopped letting him intimidate me. Its because he is such an angry bully type he scares me but I shouldnt let him

OP posts:
Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:21

Thank you again Goats do appreciate your support and everyone else too just what I needed

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 15:22

Ah bullies thrive on your fear, I am talking from experience sadly. Now call the police keep a log. I really think someone should come over and stay tonight, is that possible?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:28

I will keep a log but not really anyone who can stay with me

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/02/2015 15:30

You won't be wasting police time. You need to log every incident Flowers

MrsE · 11/02/2015 15:30

When something similar happened to me, the police fitted a panic alarm to the house which had 2 purposes - if he came in while i was out it would go off as he didn't have the code, and 2 if he came in and i was there i could press the button, both of which would trigger them to come straight over - something like this will help you feel a little safer until the locks are changed

Definitely get someone to stay with you tonight at least, maybe even your son would?

Definitely keep a log of every call, letter etc

Keep strong and remember it's him not you . Big hugs

Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 15:35

I know you say you don't want to be driven from your home but just until locks are changed maybe go and stay with someone tonight, juts to be on the safe side.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 15:58

thanks for the hugs and flowers he has just turned up at my Mums!
He asked if he could have a shower, he told her he never touched my son!
My Mum said she is going to send him on his way after and she has taken my purse off him. I asked her to tell him to stay away from me and she will

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 11/02/2015 16:01

So not only is he a bully but a liar and willing to take advantage if an old lady. What a pig your H is. Told you start getting mad.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/02/2015 16:06

You're not worried for your Mum's safety?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 16:07

No she will be fine he respects her so much

Yes Blossom you are right!

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/02/2015 17:39

He is intending to intimidate you through a third party, your 80-year-old mum. Please do log everything that happens and advise your mum that if he won't go she should phone the police. The whole 'having a shower' thing there is to prove how you've made him homeless and it's so terrible blah blah. He can go to a hotel like a normal person.

Of course you shouldn't be driven from your home but it's about practicality. Can your son not stay with you?

GoatsDoRoam · 11/02/2015 17:49

If your Mum becomes his mouthpiece, you may have to tell her that you do not want to hear anything from her about your husband.

It's upsetting for you to hear.
And he's now going to try to manipulate you through her.

She is free to coddle him if she wants, but you don't have to hear about it. If none of his words or actions vis-a-vis your Mum get through to you, he will soon desist. It's you he's targeting: you kept the door shut on him, so now he's going to the next closest person to you who will open her door to him.

PP is right that he is trying to gain pity from 3d parties. Don't let it get to you. He will do what he wants, and others will do and think what they want. The only thing you can do, once again, is to protect yourself from having to hear any of it.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 11/02/2015 18:04

You still need to cancel your cards, surely? Surely you have a withdrawal function that he can max out if he knows the details on the cards?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 18:16

Its ok he has given my purse to my Mum and left there now, he is going to a friends. She warned him to stay away from me and as I said he respects her more than anyone in his life so I dont think he will come back tonight
Thanks everyone for all your support I am going to try and watch a film and have an early night

OP posts:
NickiFury · 11/02/2015 18:24

He respects your Mum but treats her dd and dgc like crap and is violent towards them?

From how you post I don't think you're fully committed to this being the end, if your son's blood on the walls wasn't enough to keep him out I don't know what will be Sad. I think you need to think about how much support your dc are giving you and how much danger both violent and legal your ds could be in if he carries on feeling that he has to fight for his mother.

Please, please don't let him back. No matter what he says.

lunar1 · 11/02/2015 18:39

I'm shocked your mum let him in.

Original poster
wtfshallido · 11/02/2015 19:28

My Mum didnt know
I am very determined Nicki I have had enough he doesnt respect me at all

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 12/02/2015 09:55

wtf morning how are you today?

Original poster
wtfshallido · 12/02/2015 13:23

Thank you so much for asking Blossom, I am fine, feeling a lot stronger today and had a quiet night. No sign of him thank goodness.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 12/02/2015 13:41

What a nightmare! Please stay strong and keep him out. Did you change the locks? Were your bank cards safe in the purse? Is it a joint a/c? If he knows the pin etc it needs to be discussed with the bank to make sure he is locked out of the a/c altogether? If it's a joint one then you need a new a/c and cards. Good luck!