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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Older married man has admitted to having a crush on me. Is there any way back from this?

93 replies

NursingMilitant · 09/02/2015 20:17

Basically a man who is much older than me and married has admitted tonight that he finds me attractive and doesn't know where he stands regarding our relationship. He is the instructor of a martial acts class I train in, I love the club dearly and it is a huge part of my life. I'm gutted to have this come up and spoil it. Not only has he admitted it (and I've suspected it for a while but hoped I was wrong) but he's also tested the water to see how far I'm willing to go with him asking me if I want to go around to his house before club tomorrow for coffee and asking if I want him to get there early so we can "chat" before anyone else gets there.

I have talked about my DP a lot to him so this is two relationships he seems willing to risk for this. I obviously said I didn't want to go to his house or get there early to club and he was blatantly disappointed and seemed to pry further.

I basically do not want to fall out with him, I respect him and enjoy his classes but this is just so inappropriate and wrong on all levels and needs to stop now. I really don't want to leave the club but realistically is there any way back from this?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 22:10

oh, Anne, thanks for finding that thread

I need a laugh tonight !

AnneofCheese · 09/02/2015 22:26

I'm on the hunt of the wasp one now, AF

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 22:28

I seem to run Asda, T-rexing, Sharon and the wasp all together somehow

as well as the wine up the wall

they are not all on the same thread, i realise that

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 22:29

MM look at the thread Anne has linked

Viviennemary · 09/02/2015 22:30

Just tell him straight that you enjoy the classes but you are not interested in his advances. And that he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself as he's a married man.

AnneofCheese · 09/02/2015 22:30

I can't find the Sharon/wasp one anywhere! But did find one about her husband helicoptering his willy while singing 'Jesus loves me'.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2015 22:35

Sharon and the wasp

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 22:35
Grin
AnneofCheese · 09/02/2015 22:38

Ah, you beauty Faire!

MadeMan · 09/02/2015 22:43

I am bookmarking these classic links; thanks everyone. Smile

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 22:45

Is OP still here ?

APotNoodleandaTommy · 09/02/2015 22:56

I've always wanted to read lemon drizzle but nobody ever links it

jasper · 09/02/2015 23:00

op tell him you are not interested. stay in the club if you want

CrispyFern · 09/02/2015 23:00

I'd just leave. I don't think you can have a comfortable relationship now sadly.

Bluetonic123 · 09/02/2015 23:24

I don't see

TRexingInAsda · 10/02/2015 03:57

Thanks anneofcheese and fairenough. Those are my two favourite ever threads. Grin

Vivacia · 10/02/2015 07:11

All you need to do is (as advised on earlier threads) stop chatting to him.

I have no idea why you didn't do so before. But you really need to tell him that you are sorry if he has misread anything, that you are not interested, and that you would like to continue with the class but will leave if it becomes too awkward.

Then stop chatting to him.

But you already know this, which makes me wonder why you don't act on it.

WildBillfemale · 10/02/2015 07:11

You are 33 yet you can't 'shut him down'?

It's easy, stop being friendly, stop having any chats whatsoever, Stop wasting time even thinking about this. Stop even contemplating visiting his house. Be incredibly frosty and cold when he approaches.

The reason he still persists is you have not given clear boundaries in your actions and he thinks there's a chance.

shovetheholly · 10/02/2015 08:34

OP, it seems like you're posting about this constantly because you actually want to have an affair with this guy.

I suggest that you admit this to yourself and take a good, hard look at your priorities, from a practical and a moral perspective. I also suggest you have a look at your self-esteem to ask why, as a young woman, you are so absurdly flattered by the attentions of an older man.

There is absolutely no reason why you 'have' to sleep with this man - you can simply walk away at any point.

newnamefor15 · 10/02/2015 08:35

I remember your other posts.

You suspected he fancied you but gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued to enjoy private little 'chats' with him alone before and after the class. You allowed him to keep messaging you inappropriately by text and Facebook late in the evenings. We all told you he fancied you and to stop it. I can only assume you enjoyed the attention.

Now it's gone a stage further and you are complaining?

Find a new club.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 10/02/2015 08:43

I don't understand the problem. Just because he wants something more is irrelevant, tell him you're not interested (and mean it). Women are not obliged to be "available" to men.

Unless you like the attention so you've been flirting with him? In which case you need to start being honest with yourself.

Pagwatch · 10/02/2015 08:47

It does sound very much like you are enjoying the attention or the drama or both.

You are not behaving very well. Just tell him.

If, at 33, you are clueless as to how to say "I am not interested in you. Your attentions make me extremely uncomfortable. Stop" you should knock the martial arts on the head and go to some class to work on your assertiveness. And work on your self esteem.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 10/02/2015 10:52

For goodness' sake.

I think you should leave the club, because you are clearly not able to put into action the very simple solution of not chatting to him, avoiding him before and after classes and simply knocking it on the head.

That would sort it. With most women who were as aware of his OBVIOUS intentions as you have been for a while, they would already have sorted it by withdrawing completely from anything but group conversation and giving him the clear message that you weren't interested.

You've done the opposite, whilst at the same time gnashing your teeth and angsting about it. He's a sleaze, but you've given the complete impression that you welcome his come-ons: why?!

If you don't want to end up in even more of a mess, leave the club. Before you post again on here wailing about the 'misunderstanding' you just had when once again you were innocently chatting and he kissed you, and you didn't know what to do so you just stood there, and now he's messaging you... blah blah.

I find it hard to believe you're 33!

Zucker · 10/02/2015 10:57

You talk about this situation as if you have no say in whether an affair will happen or not. Stop chatting to him outside of the club hours, bring your DP to the club if you have to, but you know this already.

CuddlesfromChickens · 10/02/2015 11:02

Just seen Brian's post! He kissed you and you haven't shut him down yet? Shock

Leave.The.Club

No.More.Contact.Of.Any.Kind

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