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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Older married man has admitted to having a crush on me. Is there any way back from this?

93 replies

NursingMilitant · 09/02/2015 20:17

Basically a man who is much older than me and married has admitted tonight that he finds me attractive and doesn't know where he stands regarding our relationship. He is the instructor of a martial acts class I train in, I love the club dearly and it is a huge part of my life. I'm gutted to have this come up and spoil it. Not only has he admitted it (and I've suspected it for a while but hoped I was wrong) but he's also tested the water to see how far I'm willing to go with him asking me if I want to go around to his house before club tomorrow for coffee and asking if I want him to get there early so we can "chat" before anyone else gets there.

I have talked about my DP a lot to him so this is two relationships he seems willing to risk for this. I obviously said I didn't want to go to his house or get there early to club and he was blatantly disappointed and seemed to pry further.

I basically do not want to fall out with him, I respect him and enjoy his classes but this is just so inappropriate and wrong on all levels and needs to stop now. I really don't want to leave the club but realistically is there any way back from this?

OP posts:

BeCool · 10/02/2015 11:03

You know he's probably doing this with other students too - he just waiting for one of you (it matters little which one it is) to bite his hook.

Why are you posting repeatedly for advice and then repeatedly ignoring the very straightforward solutions on offer? You are a martial arts student and in control of your own life - you are not powerless.

TheWordFactory · 10/02/2015 11:03

Sounds to me that you're enjoying the drama.

You know what this man is up to and so does your DH (from pervious posts) yet you continue.

ImperialBlether · 10/02/2015 11:11

You know he's probably doing this with other students too - he just waiting for one of you (it matters little which one it is) to bite his hook.

Oh god, I wish the OP would bite his hook.

BeCool · 10/02/2015 11:16

winkywinkola · 10/02/2015 12:41

Your poor dh.

Does he know you've had a kiss with this man?

Does he know you're staying after the class to chat to this man?

Are you wrestling with the idea that you actually do want an affair but something is stopping you hence your posting on MN about it?

Don't hurt your dh in this way. It's so cruel.

Sort it out honestly and with the least mess if you can. ASAP.

BuzzardBird · 10/02/2015 12:49

OP isn't married. She has a partner.

Original poster

NursingMilitant · 10/02/2015 12:54

Where has it come from that I've kissed this guy??!! that is just not true at all, not even close! Are you mistaking me with someone else??

Anyway I did stop the facebook chats way back when I first posted about this. I also stopped the "staying behind" chats. This latest one happened because he made out that he genuinely had something he wanted to talk about - we'd just had a grading, I assumed it was about that.

I know I have been naive, I just didn't want to believe that a married man would act like this to someone 30 years younger who was also engaged to be married.

I'm not enjoying this and have not purposely encouraged it. In the beginning I was flattered because I assumed his interest in me was because he saw potential in me for the martial art (my previous instructor had always said I had something that most people my age didn't in MA). It was only when it started becoming a bit 'not quite right' that I realised I had been mistaken. Since then (since posting on here) I have backed right off and not engaged in private chat. Yesterday's conversation actually took me off guard because I had assumed he'd got the hint due to lack of contact outside the club.

And I was never toying with the idea of going around to his house! I refused that one straight away. Nor will I be getting there early if I go at all.

OP posts:

babbityann · 10/02/2015 13:03

OP you need to send this man a clear short email telling him to leave you aloneortherwise you will feel obliged to find another club.

knightofswords · 10/02/2015 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 10/02/2015 13:09

So the answer is to email/text or speak to him and say 'I am not interested. You have misunderstood the nature of our relationship. I will not be seeing you outside the club or in any capacity other than as my instructor.'

How he responds will determine what you chose to do thereafter.

Is there any reason why you can't just say that?

Floggingmolly · 10/02/2015 13:12

He doesn't know where he stands regarding our relationship
Neither do you; or you'd have put him in his place by now. Are you enjoying the drama?

TRexingInAsda · 10/02/2015 13:27

Ok so you'd already decided that all this nonsense had to stop, and you'd done your best to shut it down? Now despite your best efforts, it hasn't stopped, it's gone from the pretence of innocent flirting to the honest "I fancy a bit, how about it"? Ok then, imo it's time to leave the club. What the hell are you still doing there?! I think your dp should LTB (that's you) tbh. You are treating him with such disrespect here. He knows what's going on, he's really uncomfortable with it, it's a totally inappropriate relationship - just stop going, obviously!

BeCool · 10/02/2015 13:33

I just didn't want to believe that a married man would act like this to someone 30 years younger who was also engaged to be married.

Oh I think you can believe it now! I would lay it out very clearly in an email or text that you are not interested in him at all and he must stop harassing you and disrespecting both you and your fiance.

GoatsDoRoam · 10/02/2015 13:48

I kind of get where OP is coming from: girl children especially are taught to be "nice", to be agreeable, to think of others first -- in short, to have no boundaries. Not even the awareness that they're allowed to set them.

The unspoken deal is that if we're nice, things will go ok for us. In reality, the opposite is true: being good girls gets us taken advantage of.

OP, since you clearly find it very difficult to set clear and firm boundaries, please leave the club. There are others, or other sports or other hobbies. It's not fair for you to leave a club you've invested in, of course, but look at the alternative: stay and continue being perved on and feeling at fault because of it?

The suggestion upthread that you use the time freed up by leaving the club to take an assertiveness class is actually very good. Do consider it: knowing how to state your boundaries is a skill that will serve you in every area of your life.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/02/2015 13:48

OP, are you Anastasia Steele?

If not, why can't you just tell him clearly and civilly that you're not interested?

BuzzardBird · 10/02/2015 14:07

Are his initials JM OP?

BeCool · 10/02/2015 14:16

Goats maybe it would help the OP to focus on being "nice" to her DP and to herself, by telling this guy very clearly to fuck off?

I think he knows full well the OP isn't interested and he just doesn't care.

Tisiphone · 10/02/2015 14:18

Goats is right about female socialisation to be 'nice' - the OP sounds to me not as if she's enjoying the drama but as if she's half-afraid of getting on the wrong side of a male authority figure. Yes, it's 2015, not 1950, but I thonk the ingrained fear of male interpretation of female assertive behaviour (the switch from the 'approval' of being fancied to the discourse of 'frigidity/taking things the wrong way/what makes you think I'd be interested in a fat loser like you?' etc etc) is still strong in a lot of women.

Original poster

NursingMilitant · 10/02/2015 14:27

Buzzard, yes those are his initials! where abouts are you?

OP posts:

CrispyFern · 10/02/2015 14:28

Actually I agree with goatsdoroam.

Your hobby teacher sends you a friendly text, you don't really want to spend your time on him, but - no need to be a bitch, right? Reply, be nice, humour him. That's the type of thing my conditioning tells me to do. I have to argue with myself not to do it!

BuzzardBird · 10/02/2015 14:29

PM you

CuddlesfromChickens · 10/02/2015 14:48

Ok OP apologies as Brian was mistaken.

I do think continuing at this club will be extremely difficult though.

shovetheholly · 10/02/2015 14:58

I am SO intrigued to know what's going on behind the scenes. Does BuzzardBird know something about this guy that can help the OP? Is he a serial offender? Will the two of them turn up to class next time and karate kick him into touch, to a disco soundtrack?

I completely realise I'm being an unjustifiably nosy cow.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 10/02/2015 15:04

AARGH sorry! No, OP has NOT kissed him (or I hope she hasn't) - it was a projection into the future, as in, if you don't stop this now you'll soon be back here angsting about having kissed him, etc.

Probably badly written. Sorry OP.

The kissing him comment was an example of how it might well go, not a description of something OP has already done

Apologies again. But OP, leave the club. Seriously. You can't fix this one.

BuzzardBird · 10/02/2015 15:35

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