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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Older married man has admitted to having a crush on me. Is there any way back from this?

93 replies

NursingMilitant · 09/02/2015 20:17

Basically a man who is much older than me and married has admitted tonight that he finds me attractive and doesn't know where he stands regarding our relationship. He is the instructor of a martial acts class I train in, I love the club dearly and it is a huge part of my life. I'm gutted to have this come up and spoil it. Not only has he admitted it (and I've suspected it for a while but hoped I was wrong) but he's also tested the water to see how far I'm willing to go with him asking me if I want to go around to his house before club tomorrow for coffee and asking if I want him to get there early so we can "chat" before anyone else gets there.

I have talked about my DP a lot to him so this is two relationships he seems willing to risk for this. I obviously said I didn't want to go to his house or get there early to club and he was blatantly disappointed and seemed to pry further.

I basically do not want to fall out with him, I respect him and enjoy his classes but this is just so inappropriate and wrong on all levels and needs to stop now. I really don't want to leave the club but realistically is there any way back from this?

OP posts:

Hypotenuse · 09/02/2015 20:19

You've posted about this a few times now and your suspicions have been confirmed. Just quit the class. He's a predator, you knew this already.

RandomNPC · 09/02/2015 20:20

Have you posted about something similar before? About him messaging you late at night?

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 20:20

Oh god, what a horrible situation to be in.

I'd be so angry with him - he's trying to ruin your relationship as well as his own marriage.

Who is in charge of the club? Is there anyone higher than him that you can talk to?

How old are you, OP?

Original poster

NursingMilitant · 09/02/2015 20:24

Yes I was just hoping I was wrong, especially as he seemed to back off for a while.
He owns the club, there is nobody higher. He's also extremely high up in the martial arts rankings so well known in the community.

I'm 33.

OP posts:

RandomNPC · 09/02/2015 20:26

I can't see how you can keep going, unless he completely backs off and apologises. I think it'll be too awkward to keep going.

chimichanga1976 · 09/02/2015 20:26

Have you posted before under a different name? You said he was making excuses to keep you behind class, when everyone was gone, for a chat about nothing much?

If so, I'm not sure you're going to get any different replies to what people posted 1st time round.

He sounds like a sleaze and it puts you in a very awkward position, now that you've had it confirmed by him that he fancies you. It's unprofessional, amongst other things! I'd find it hard to continue attending, I think, if it were me. His poor wife!

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:27

Tell him you're not interested in no uncertain terms while remaining civil. Whether there is a way back depends on his level of professionalism. Not much you can do.

NomNomDePlum · 09/02/2015 20:28

i was going to suggest that, now that he has asked and you have said no, the next time he asks/insinuates/whatever, you report him for harrassment, but i guess that's not going to work if he owns the club. is there an alternative club you can join?

DirtyBlonde · 09/02/2015 20:31

IIRC you've been staying behind and chatting to him for a while?

He's not being unduly sleazy, he's been testing the waters (over months, isn't it?) and finding your continuing willingness to chat (and text etc?) a green light to inch forward.

All you need to do is (as advised on earlier threads) stop chatting to him.

I have no idea why you didn't do so before. But you really need to tell him that you are sorry if he has misread anything, that you are not interested, and that you would like to continue with the class but will leave if it becomes too awkward.

Then stop chatting to him.

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:40

Sounds like maybe you are leading him on to pacify him. Not going to work in the long run. He is going to be very vexed.

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2015 20:47

Have you told your partner about this?

Why not be the last one to arrive and the first to go? Oh and change your phone number.

Unless you're flattered, that is.

DirtyDancing · 09/02/2015 21:05

You just need to tell him you are not interested. That he's made you feel uncomfortable & you want to draw a line under it. If you're prepared to carry on the classes tell him in no uncertain terms you will be continuing to train & you don't expect this to get in the way. If he carries on trying it on, or makes you uncomfortable then stop the classes

Eekaman · 09/02/2015 21:24

Don't see a problem here at all. You tell him you aren't interested, you continue with your classes.

Thats it. There is no need to complicate anything here.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 21:29

There is a way back if you stop trying to appease him.

Tell him bluntly you are not interested and that if he mentions this again, texts you or tries to waylay you, that you will speak to his wife and take out a restraining order against him

haven't you had this advice already though ?

TRexingInAsda · 09/02/2015 21:41

Just quit his class and find another one.

Or tell him in no uncertain terms that you simply are not interested in anything other than attending the class, then arrive just in time, and get out as soon as it finishes. If he says 'can I have a word?' after class, say 'No sorry I'm in a rush'. If you want, you could add 'message me about it'. Then you have whatever he wants to say in writing and have time to formulate a response, which your oh can help you with, if you want, to make sure it is very, very clear.

Personally I'd just quit it, as I wouldn't enjoy it anymore, with the situaton being so awkward, and taking account of how dh would feel about it too - it would put a bit of strain on the marriage probably, which really would not be worth it.

MadeMan · 09/02/2015 21:43

TRexingInAsda, I'm intrigued to know what your username is all about; Marc Bolan or dinosaur?

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 21:45

it's a long story, MM

Sharon probably had something to do with it. And the wasp < taps nose >

CatsClaus · 09/02/2015 21:46

So I guess he stood up and announced his infatuation in front of the whole club at the group welcome then?

or did you maybe go early or stay late so he could whisper to you??

for goodness sake stop setting yourself up to be alone with this man if this is not what you want.

AnneofCheese · 09/02/2015 21:48

Oh, T-rexing in ASDA! Blast from the past. Mm try Classics.

MadeMan · 09/02/2015 21:51

I'm even more intrigued now AF.

MadeMan · 09/02/2015 21:52

Thanks Anne, I'll go have a look in the classics then.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 21:53

MM, you had to be there

Very funny thread, very funny name.

clippityclop · 09/02/2015 21:58

Easy. He's married. Tell him to bugger off and find a new club.

AnneofCheese · 09/02/2015 22:01

MM - here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1498923-Shouting-at-me-in-the-supermarket

(Sorry OP for derailing)

CuddlesfromChickens · 09/02/2015 22:05

You need to find a new club.

Your previous threads would indicate that you aren't going to be able shut him down effectively.

Stop communicating with him block him on FB and mobile) and leave the club without further explanation.

This won't be the first time he's done this I'm afraid.

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