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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?

96 replies

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:27

Long post....

DH & I were invited to the evening of a wedding months ago, we accepted BUT over the last few weeks dh has been adamant he doesn't want to attend. Many factors: My parents are away and noone to watch dd (long issue but major issues with il's and me and I'm not confident leaving her with then again..BUT would do if need be iykwim), I'm 25 weeks pregnant and dh says lots of old friends will be there who are "idiots".

So as I only know this couple through dh and have been out with them once in the 10 years we have been with each other I wasn't bothered. We agreed we would miss it.

DH was not himself yesterday and blamed it on long hours he's working blah de blah BUT I know him and said it's coz the lads are out tomorrow and he's missing out..he was the same today BUT denied it. He's had a face like a yard of shit.

DD was ill last week so we are very tired and I am now chocca with a cold, another reason dh doesn't want us going. I'm also pregnant so look and feel like a whale BUT told him to get his parents around tonight and I will go for an hour or two.Fair I thought..?

He turned it down..Friends have annoyingly texted us both asking if we are going knowing full well the other has texted their partner iykwim.

From 7.30pm-9.30pm dh has sulked, got showered, sat downstairs,offered me brews,offered me loves, offered me gifts tomorrow..the works. I know why, I'm not stupid.

I have told him how I feel if he goes it alone, as our friends are all there I feel left out not going and asked him how he would feel, of course typical bloke he said "oh I would tell you to go"..YEAH RIGHT..!!
I know if he turns up minus me we will be discussed and I feel hurt and betrayed that he wants to go. He says he wants to go and get pissed. I also know that he won't be home when it ends around 12ish, they will all head off into town and as usual he won't be home till very late hours of sunday and very drunk. .

He say's he wants a dw who is more easy going. I have told him to go and find himself one.

How would others feel in my position.? I;m sat at home with a stinking cold, babysitting OUR dd while he's out with OUR friends.
Don't tell me he's panicing over ds2b..he's been through it all with dd and promised to change and never did. I just feel sad that we decided to have another child when he's clearly not prepared to grow up. Yeah sure he's not our 7 days a week but recently it's been 2-4 times a month. (Weddings,works do's,lads night out,get together with old work friends).

TBH the way I feel tonight I don't want to be with him anylonger.

OP posts:
FreakyFloss · 21/10/2006 21:31

I'm sorry I am a little confused - has he gone or is he home with you?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:31

In normal circumstances I'd say I wouldnt have a problem with my DP going out with his mates etc.

BUT, it seems that its not that he never wanted to go to the wedding - he just doesnt want YOU to be there too? Have I got that right?

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 21/10/2006 21:34

Oh lighten up, they are his friends, you don't want to go, he does, no reason why he shouldn't go and enjoy himself is there?

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:34

he's gone out. Saw I was upset, got undressed, then said "I should have told you at 7.30pm I was going out whatever and told you to shove it". Yeah thanks..!

Got dressed again and walked out.....

OP posts:
Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:37

VVV you are right. Sorry ccc but you have annoyed me slightly there... I do want to go BUT dh has been the one saying no to going all week and for the last few months. I wanted to go because although I don't know the bride & groom very well (shows how many times dh has seen his "friend" in 10 years) all our friends are there.

Yeah I feel like shit BUT I was still prepared to go. It was dh who said, no and then "Oh I have now left it to late to get my parents to babysit".

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 21/10/2006 21:39

Oh sorry, I thought you just wanted him to stay in with you. Well he is gone now so all that is left to do is to take revenge tommorow when he has a hangover. Time for you to go out an leave him with a small child perhaps..........................

Daisypops · 21/10/2006 21:41

Oh Mrsdoormat. Men will be men ey?! I can see why your pi55ed off but do you think pregnancy hormones are making it 10 times worse? Maybe not, just a suggestion. As for his saying he want a more easy going wife, well... hes gone out hasn't he? Just make sure he pampers you tomorrow, whether hes hungover or not. And when you've had your 2nd bubs leave him to babysit while you go out on the lash!!! Chin up doll.

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:43

thing is ccc, he's so smug and tomorrow he will be up with dd and will be willing to go out etc. I think he's knows the treatment he will get if he doesn't. Tomorrow he will work his way around me and try and bribe me with gifts BUT I don't want that anymore.

IMO we both made a baby so why should I be the one who suffers for 9 months by not drinking when he can drink every night and can get a pissed as he wants. I think it's selfish. I have stresses like anyone BUT I have to deal with them sober.

I dunno , I just feel betrayed and quite alone knowing he's out with friends and I;m sat alone. .

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:43

I'd be absolutely livid. Really truly livid. Can you not ring his parents and see - then turn up as soon as you could - saying his parents saved the day?

THAT would be the best revenge, IMO. Spoil his fun. The fucker.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:44

TBH, the going out with mates and getting drunk thing is not so much of a problem - but elbowing you out of the way so he can do so is pretty shite IMO.

I think your friends need to know this too. Wanker.

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:47

Having dd made me change my priorities, I don't want to be getting pissed as I hate the feeling the next day and I hate not being able to do things with dd.

He keeps saying " you must go out when ds2b arrives" but thats to give him extra nights out..I know how his brain works.

I have been out since having dd and enjoyed myself BUT my/our friends have children and work (I;m a sahm) so it's not easy getting nights out iykwim. Also funny, when I;m out dh can contact me 24/7 as I feel there have been emergencies when he's needed me and I have been there BUT its strange when he's out he nevers answers his phone..Always on silent or he didn't feel it vibrate..OR he's lost it. .

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 21/10/2006 21:47

Well look Mrs D if he is willing to do the making up all you can do is take full advantage of it and get as much rest as possible. It may be a little much to expect him to lay off the booze because you are pregnant. Don't feel betrayed, it is a waste of energy, there is no reason to suspect that anyone is going to think badly of you, be kind to yourself.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 21/10/2006 21:49

He does sound quite childish though, particularly if you need a bit of support atm.

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:50

BTW pregnancy hormones are not involved.

VVV, I agree..and I will make sure they are aware. He used to do this when we started dating. The girls would ask him to let me know they were off out and he would turn down their invite for me and not tell me. They would then say when I next saw them, "Oh you missed a good night last week". (BTW this was prior to me knowing them well and prior to mobile phones.)

OP posts:
Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 21:54

vvv, I would love to do as you suggested BUT since the issues with the il's there no way I could contact them. They NEVER call here and tbh I don't want them knowing our business. It was me asking for advice that caused more issues when they threw things back into my face saying "I need to discuss my relationship issues with my friends and NOT them "!! When all I would do would be to reply to them when they asked if dh was out etc..!

I also think it way to late to call 'em..

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 22:07

Well, I think, in that case - suck up all of his sucking up. Then arrange for a girls night out in a few weeks with all the friends that you missed out on this evening - call it a baby shower or whatever.

Make arrangements to stay the night - dont tell him you are until that night - whilst you are out - ring him and tell him. Then, just dont answer your phone all evening to him. If its urgent - he'll leave a message.....

FreakyFloss · 21/10/2006 22:13

What would I do?

Kill him (probably).

Sorry he sounds like he is being a total git and I would be fuming.

Raggydoll · 21/10/2006 22:19

a taste of his own medicine if you like... be really strong and go for it even if you think it will cause ruptions - if you don't you really will be walked all over - sorry

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 22:20

that sounds like a good idea vvv. I don't think I;m ott at all and have even agreed to a "lads ps2 night". I hate the amount he drinks as he can't have a couple of drinks to get merry, he's a big drinker and drinks with the intention of getting fooked.IMO at 30 he needs to grow up as many a time he's forgotten where he ended up or has lost his mobile or fallen asleep somewhere.

I'm just not of the same mentality as him.I'm also more cautious when it comes to money. He's on a good wage BUT is self employed so not guarenteed, also he aims to finish just before baby is due to have a few months off with us. I would rather the money go to that..BUT then I think different when I hear he spends £x on a bottle of champagne with the lads or £x on a night out with the lads....

FFS he can't even take a day off work to help me or dd..Money money money is all he see's.BUT I think I will take your advice and lap up the gifts tomorrow.He can "pay" big style for once.

I also feel like we have gone back years iykwim.I told him tonight I thought he was selfish and he agreed..! BUT still went out.

OP posts:
Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 22:29

I;'m shocked

I have just called dh to say that I am calling one of our friends who's out tonight to let her know the truth and how things have panned out tonight....

His reply.................." Oh don't do that, I have just spoken to her and told he that you are ok with me coming out...."

I told him exactly what I think and the fact that he's a liar, he says he doesn't want me to involve our friends and to put on a united front..WTF.

He says the fact that he's working long hours is killing him ontop of the 4/5 hours travelling aday. This is why he needs a release. He doesn't seem to think I need a release in the same way from having dd all day and basically being a single mother all week. I WANT TO KILL HIM............................................

He choose this job, he knew the housr, he knew the travelling, WE DON'T NEED THE MONEY THAT MUCH, but still he continues with it.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 22:34

That SO does not explain why he didnt want you there.

Ring your mate. Please? Tell her like it is. Ring her on the pre-text of asking her to "keep an eye on him".

Mrsdoormat · 21/10/2006 22:39

vvv, im fuming...part of me wants to call her and part doesn't.

Like I said, major issues I/we had with the il's resulted in "things" being thrown in my face and I vowed never to dicuss our life/issues with rf friends or family iykwim.

I feel like I am so mad I want to put her straight YET I want to be a loyal dw...mad I know...God,my name change is appropriate. Thats what I am .

OP posts:
GRUMPYGHOUL · 21/10/2006 22:41

If I were you I would be LIVID, it amazes me when they do this "I work so hard" stuff; as mums our job is 24/7 - amazing how they can be so oblivious at 3am isnt it.

I would suggest a get together with the girls with him babysitting!

How old is he because he doesnt sound very mature and I personally would expect my husband to care more that I was upset rather than just being concerned by how he looks.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 22:42

OH call her. He's hardly been loyal to you, has he?

FreakyFloss · 21/10/2006 22:43

yeah sod it. Ring her. why shouldn't you ruin his night?