What would you do?

[Mrsdoormat]

Long post....

DH & I were invited to the evening of a wedding months ago, we accepted BUT over the last few weeks dh has been adamant he doesn't want to attend. Many factors: My parents are away and noone to watch dd (long issue but major issues with il's and me and I'm not confident leaving her with then again..BUT would do if need be iykwim), I'm 25 weeks pregnant and dh says lots of old friends will be there who are "idiots".

So as I only know this couple through dh and have been out with them once in the 10 years we have been with each other I wasn't bothered. We agreed we would miss it.

DH was not himself yesterday and blamed it on long hours he's working blah de blah BUT I know him and said it's coz the lads are out tomorrow and he's missing out..he was the same today BUT denied it. He's had a face like a yard of shit.

DD was ill last week so we are very tired and I am now chocca with a cold, another reason dh doesn't want us going. I'm also pregnant so look and feel like a whale BUT told him to get his parents around tonight and I will go for an hour or two.Fair I thought..?

He turned it down..Friends have annoyingly texted us both asking if we are going knowing full well the other has texted their partner iykwim.

From 7.30pm-9.30pm dh has sulked, got showered, sat downstairs,offered me brews,offered me loves, offered me gifts tomorrow..the works. I know why, I'm not stupid.

I have told him how I feel if he goes it alone, as our friends are all there I feel left out not going and asked him how he would feel, of course typical bloke he said "oh I would tell you to go"..YEAH RIGHT..!!
I know if he turns up minus me we will be discussed and I feel hurt and betrayed that he wants to go. He says he wants to go and get pissed. I also know that he won't be home when it ends around 12ish, they will all head off into town and as usual he won't be home till very late hours of sunday and very drunk. .

He say's he wants a dw who is more easy going. I have told him to go and find himself one.

How would others feel in my position.? I;m sat at home with a stinking cold, babysitting OUR dd while he's out with OUR friends.
Don't tell me he's panicing over ds2b..he's been through it all with dd and promised to change and never did. I just feel sad that we decided to have another child when he's clearly not prepared to grow up. Yeah sure he's not our 7 days a week but recently it's been 2-4 times a month. (Weddings,works do's,lads night out,get together with old work friends).

TBH the way I feel tonight I don't want to be with him anylonger.

Mrs D the double standards is alarming.

What does he say when you point out he does not accord you the same freedoms he takes for granted himself?

Mobile phones have a lot to answer for IMO.
Pre mobile phones there was never an issue about contactability, switching phones off, the possibility of secret text relationships, the possibility of checking another's phone....they seem to have addded anew layer of stress to relationships

Yes it always bothers him the next day when he can't do anything with dd, he tries to help but theres no point. Today he just wanted to sleep and was in no fit state to go shopping as we planned. He did help with some things but imo it was because of guilt and he felt he had to do it.I also hate him the next day as he stinks and that can't be nice for dd..poor thing can't talk and say "daddy you smell like death" .

But like you said countto,he has 2 days with dd and sometimes I think its wasted. ATM weekends are precious as time is wizzing by and he is working alot of sundays.BUT the other thing is that I find he does things willingly (ie yesterday) like shopping etc BUT it's because he has other motives. ie wanting to go out. He feels that "keeping me sweet" allows him time out without notice iykwim..! I;m not stupid..!

Things are cival between us atm.I just don't want a reoccurance of last night, it was way to stressful. I just don't understand the drink till you drop mentality.

count to ten I know so many men who just don't take into account that life has to change when baby comes along.
To be fair women don't either but we have it forced upon us whether we like it or not. Men seem to be able to ignore the realities of parenthood to a greater extent.

sandyy totally agree re the mobile phones - especially where texting is concerned!!! It's too dangerous and does nothing more than increase paranoia!!! Besides which I totally don't agree with the checking of phones - both dp and I have done it to each other had huge bust ups about it and have a very stong agreement on respecting each others privacy.

sandy, about the double standards. Just asked him and he says its different as I;m a woman and if he didn't know where I was he would worry esp given the fact I would be in a taxi alone. The issue if I came home at 5.30am would be an issue because it would be "out of character" of me..! Oh so I should now be used to him rolling in at that time.! He also didn't think of the consequences of him turning off his mobile or the fact I would be worrying. Again selfish male behaviour.

Countto you are right about priorities changing. I'm not against his nights out but I am against the consequences of his nights out.

right, off to bed. I'm knackered.! Catch up with this tomorrow. xx

CountTo10, our ground rules were that he tells me as soon as he knows when a night out is arranged. He doesn't turn his phone off, if he has a missed call from me he return it and he gives me an idea of what time he'll be home. This may sound OTT to some people but my DP 'misbehaved with a girl' last year when we were on holiday together so the least he could expect was some rules. He was drunk at the time, I witnessed it and he says he can't remember any of it. He agreed to the rules and I said it worked both ways if I go out I tell him, give an idea of a time etc. He was also going out every weekend and thru the week. He has a stressful job and works shifts so the time we get to see eachother is limited anyway this was another reason why his nights out had to be cut down. My DP is extremely selfish and didn't see thngs from my point of view until I'd borught them to his attention. This is why I think the griound rules worked for us. After the incident on holiday I started off by saying he was never going out again without me, thats obviously didn't work so we compromised and agreed the ruless.

MrsD i get exactly that kind of attitude from my dp - its always one rule for one and another for the other in our house hold!!! I do wonder sometimes if things are as bad as I think or if I'm blowing everything out of proportion!!

See they sound similar to what I expect and try and get my dp to do but he gets as far as the letting me know bit and everything else goes out of the window once he's had a few beers. I just get accused of being ott and an old nag!! I just think its plain respect at the end of the day. I'm not his keeper, we're supposed to be a partnership!!! Sorry I'm moaning on a bit and turning into a highjacker!!!!

The book 'men are from mars women are from venus' helped me understand blokes a bit more! They tend to be selfish creatures!!!

i can't believe there are people on here saying that mrsdoormat isunreasonable!!!!!!!!!!
simply can't beleive it!
he's a married, 30 year old father of a child and a bump!! it is NOT acceptable to go out drinking until 5.30 am and then be incapable for the next 24 hours!!!!!! it would not be acceptable for mrsdoormat to do that either.
for him to engineer it so that she could not go to the wedding is just awful behaviour- selfish and sly and immature.
i don't think you are over reacting at all and my husband behaved like this i would seriously be considering the future of our relationship.
this has really me- how dare he!!!!!!???

Yeah I'm getting that!!!! I just thought that 7 years down the line and one small child later he might have been able to get over the selfish part of his dna!!!

I agree with alex, well said!

CountTo10, I think because my DP had misbehaved I had more power! He used to say he'd be home before 3am so, and this is silly but it worked, I used to set my alram fr 2.59am and if he hadn't have been home the latch would be down and he wouldn't get in. END OF! I was really firm with him but he realised he couldn't take the piss. Like Alex says its a matter of respect.If you let them get away with one thing they'll try anything! My DP used to say I was trying to control him and been a bunny boiler but when I explained WHY (that he brought it on himself and it was the least he could expect as he was lucky I was still around)he understood. I want to reiterate that I do not try and control DP we just have an understanding when he goes out. We compromise and it works. I sympathise with MrsD because it is double standards, and her DP saying 'it would be out of character for her to come in at 5.30am' is exactly what my DP said. I thought about going out and staying out all night just to piss him off and let him know how crap it is but he'd probably fall asleep and wouldn't bother. You can't win. I do recommend the book though if you haven't already read it.

Well I would be seriously annoyed that he had manipulated me into staying in on my own if I had an invitation to a wedding and feasible babysitters. Sounds like he basically didn't want you to go along because he wanted to go off and get totally pissed. I would also be fuming that he had lied about the situation to our friends to put him in a better light.

But I don't think ringing him all through the evening/night is much use. When I go out with my friends (usually for a curry midweek and home by 10.30) one of the DHs is always ringing and it annoys me. Can't he let her go out for 3 hours? I would have just gone to bed and left it at that.

In fact I think you would be better off telling him that if he is off on a bender to find alternative accommodation and come home the next day.

I don't think MrsDM is being unreasonable - because of the way her dh engineered the whole situation - but i don't agree with Alex: "it is NOT acceptable to go out drinking until 5.30 am and then be incapable for the next 24 hours!!!!!! it would not be acceptable for mrsdoormat to do that either." it's up to every couple to agree what's acceptable, and should they agree that this is ok (for both), then it's ok. fairness and teamwork is the key, and can involve giving your other half a whole weekend off, to spend, should they wish on the beers and then hungover. (although I'd draw the line at taking it in turns to do this every weekend coz it would be a pretty poor example for the dcs and you'd never have any family time) . none of whihc is to say MrsDM is being unreasonable.

agree with hatwoman. Well put.

so you think it's acceptable for children to see their parents coming home drunk as a skunk and then spending the next 24 hours incapable and hungover?
that's not what i want my children growing up thinking is ok.

dh and I work hard, read books, follow news, are highly educated, we're caring parents, who cook good nutritious food and have a reasonably tidy house, we spend most weekends doing family things, we both exercise regularly. I doubt seeing us drunk once in a while is going to blow all that out of the window. Examples are set by the bigger picture.

and in any case dcs are in bed at 4.30 am. what kind of parent do you think I am

ok let's put it another way, i wouldn't want my children to see their father treat me with such obvious disrespect.
don't get me wrong- i like a drink as much as the next person but i don't think it's necessary to get plastered to have fun and it's such a waste of time if you end up spending the next day in bed/puking. what's fun about that? is it ok for children to see that?

Hi Mrs Doormat

Didnt manage to check in yesterday because my internet wasnt working. So it panned out pretty much how you thought it would then!!

It does sound to me that perhaps he is getting to be a bit of a binge drinker (I certainly was) you say he gets funny with his friends if they try to intervene and this is how I eventually became I started falling out with people and decided if I couldnt be a nice drunk I wouldnt get to that stage any more. He either needs to learn to drink in moderation or if he cant do that not to do it at all. Also as Daisy says when drunk they can get themselves into situations with women which they would not do if they werent pissed...ex DP used to take all sorts of hideous women home when drunk and said "I could have died when I woke up with this thing"

I dont think his claim that you are more at risk if you are out is supported by statistics - my info is out of date but I think men were statistically more likely to be attacked on a night out than women.

Im sure you dont mind him going out for an occasional blow out with his mates but he does seem have wanted to go without you on Saturday and I think that this sly behaviour makes checking his mobile perfectly acceptable. How many women have been the "last person to know" if he is just looking after No 1 then you have the right to do so too!!