What would you do?

[Mrsdoormat]

Long post....

DH & I were invited to the evening of a wedding months ago, we accepted BUT over the last few weeks dh has been adamant he doesn't want to attend. Many factors: My parents are away and noone to watch dd (long issue but major issues with il's and me and I'm not confident leaving her with then again..BUT would do if need be iykwim), I'm 25 weeks pregnant and dh says lots of old friends will be there who are "idiots".

So as I only know this couple through dh and have been out with them once in the 10 years we have been with each other I wasn't bothered. We agreed we would miss it.

DH was not himself yesterday and blamed it on long hours he's working blah de blah BUT I know him and said it's coz the lads are out tomorrow and he's missing out..he was the same today BUT denied it. He's had a face like a yard of shit.

DD was ill last week so we are very tired and I am now chocca with a cold, another reason dh doesn't want us going. I'm also pregnant so look and feel like a whale BUT told him to get his parents around tonight and I will go for an hour or two.Fair I thought..?

He turned it down..Friends have annoyingly texted us both asking if we are going knowing full well the other has texted their partner iykwim.

From 7.30pm-9.30pm dh has sulked, got showered, sat downstairs,offered me brews,offered me loves, offered me gifts tomorrow..the works. I know why, I'm not stupid.

I have told him how I feel if he goes it alone, as our friends are all there I feel left out not going and asked him how he would feel, of course typical bloke he said "oh I would tell you to go"..YEAH RIGHT..!!
I know if he turns up minus me we will be discussed and I feel hurt and betrayed that he wants to go. He says he wants to go and get pissed. I also know that he won't be home when it ends around 12ish, they will all head off into town and as usual he won't be home till very late hours of sunday and very drunk. .

He say's he wants a dw who is more easy going. I have told him to go and find himself one.

How would others feel in my position.? I;m sat at home with a stinking cold, babysitting OUR dd while he's out with OUR friends.
Don't tell me he's panicing over ds2b..he's been through it all with dd and promised to change and never did. I just feel sad that we decided to have another child when he's clearly not prepared to grow up. Yeah sure he's not our 7 days a week but recently it's been 2-4 times a month. (Weddings,works do's,lads night out,get together with old work friends).

TBH the way I feel tonight I don't want to be with him anylonger.

I wouldnt be annoyed that he was getting drunk as to be honest you know when you embark upon a pregnancy that its pretty much off limits albeit not so for him. HOwever i would be very pissed that he had dissuaded you from wanting to go out and then went out himself. That would seriously piss me off. HOwsever he is out now and i suggest you make the most of it and put a booby trap outside the front door

well he finally arrived home.......At 5.30am.. . Now then, tell me I am being unreasonable.

Its hard enough trying to sleep when pregnant BUT it was even worse last night. I fell asleep at around 2am aftre friends who with with him text to sat they tried to get him to share their minibus BUT he wouldn't have it and they left him..sadly they didn't want to push him into going home as they have been on the receiving end of his "drunken outbursts". Fair enough. Last night before going out he did say that he would be in for around 2.30am. Well....2.30 came and went, I woke at 3am, no news, I tried his mobile at 3.30 aftre he text at 1.30am to say it had powered down, all calls to his answer phone BUT at 3.30 it rang and rang and rang and rang and.....
At 4.30am I started to panic and called the hotel where the function was, the residents bar had closed at 2.30am and there was NOONE in the hotel foyer OR in the bar....He phone just rang out until he called me at 5.15 to say he was on his way home. Very very drunk.

BTW I also tried 2 local hospitals fearing something had happened as he wasn't answering his mobile..

He got up at around 1pm today and I was out with dd, tbh I didn't want to be anywhere near him. Makes me feel physically sick. I also called my friend from last night and have told her the whole truth. She was shocked as it wasn't the impression he gave. Like others she initally said "well just coz you don't want a drink it doesn't mean he can't..." I put her straight and said I did want to go but for some reason he's made it so I couldn't go. She's concerned at at 25 weeks pregnant I need to focus on ds2b as things could go a bad way..dh doesn't seem to think this way.

ATM things are strained between us, I have yet again told him how I feel. Once again he's sorry and will never be like this to me again but it's a story I know only to well.

What makes me sad is the fact that his time with dd is so precious and today he can't do anything with her. He's spent most of his time puking and lying around. So much for our sunday plans. .

Oh well, just thought I would update you. Wish I could have better news but atm i'm tired and fed up.Thanks for those of you who posted last night. xx

Where was he MrsD? Not at all surprised that you are disgusted with him and I feel very sorry for you, you must have been very worried.

You need to find out where he was, and you need to make sure he does all the nice things that he promised you.

Dont you dare do anything for him today!!!

Mrs D, where did he say he was til 5.30am? His behaviour is shocking but seen as you pregnant its just plain unacceptable. My DP went thru a phase of going out and turning his phone off or not answering then he would roll in at 4am after I'd been physically sick with worry. Have you spoken to him? I find it suspicious that he told you his phone was going down but then when you phoned it rang and rang?! Does he think you won't ask about this? Men are sneaky I'd defo peck his head about that! Let us know how you are.x

Does he have a problem with alcohol?

Well, I have done absolutly nothing for him today and have made my feelings clear.

I asked him last nigth and again where he was till 5.30am and he he said he was in the hotel lobby with friends until 4/4.30am and then he shared a taxi with one of the guys to drop him off and dh off last. I agree this would probably take an hour round trip. BUT I have also told him of my suspicions and the fact that I checked his mobile a few weeks ago and imo its strange that he clears his memory daily. I also told him of my concerns of him seeing someone else iykwim. He was shocked and couldn't believe I thought he would stoop so low. He doesn't see himself as a "good looker" so never even thought I would consider that and also he believes mariage is for life. He understands that at my current stage I am feeling vunerable and quite conscious (sp) of myself .

All I can do is believe what he is saying. He doesn't want me to leave forever or even for a break and is adamant he wants to work at it. He's asked me what he can do to make me happy etc. Told him by not going out as he did last night......promises promises.......All such familiar teritory Im afraid.

DP I did raise the "phone" issue and tbh I think he was so pissed he doesn't remember and I know why he said it..to allow him to turn his phone off knowing that he could sit and have a few hours peace without me interupting his fun..Oh sorry for being concerned..!! I really had visions of finding him dead somewhere or even badly injured in hospital. Its a shame but people prey on guys who get into the state dh does. He's very disgusted with himself.

I'm ok btw. Annoyed and empty but ok otherwise. I just don't want to give him yet another chance for it to all happen again..Yet I don't want to seem dramatic by walking out. ATM I have our dd , our ds2b and myself to think of. xx

Yes he does have a problem with alcohol..Without it he's the most generous loving guy ever BUT sadly with it he can be selfish and unreasonable. Sadly he also doesn't know his limits. I know he can't go out for 2 beers..he has to have 2 more than everyone else iykwim.

Only you knows what you want to do MrsD. Like you say you've got your bubs and yourself to think of but it sounds to me like hes saying all the right things AGAIN. Turning his phone off so he can get a few hours of peace-WTF. What if there was an emergency? How selfish! And him saying he doesn't have much self confidence therefore not likely to be seeing someone else just doesn't wash with me. ANYONE can have an affair. And once the ale is in, the sense are out, I've been there with my DP. Soz for been so blunt. It sounds like he has an issue with drinking which needs to be addressed so maybe stick around for a bit longer til he sorts himself out. x

Yes I read the whole thread and have read the update and still think you are overreacting.

Your dh wanted to go out without you and get smashed.I fail to see what is wrong with that.As long as it is not happening twice a week or whatever.He did not want to come clean and say this (it was probably subconscious anyway)because he knew he would get the Spanish inquisition from you.
Checking his mobile is completely unacceptable in my book.
If this is completely abhorent to you as to how marriage should be then you both have some very big issues to work through if you are to be happy together.it is differences in expectations that cause so much heartache

If he is a great husband and dad why can't you accept that he likes to go out and get rat arsed every so often? There was a discussion similar to this recently where someone said just because you are married to someone you don't own them.One partner trying to control the behaviour of another ( men do it to women all the time) is at the root of many relationship breakdowns ( My Mum is a relate counsellor)

I totally see where you are coming from dp. And I agree with the "affair bit" but part of me believes in dh and what his views are..

The issue with alcohol is only an issue when I;m not around. At home and when we go out togther he is more controlled and seems to be more mature when he drinks BUT when he;s out with the lads its as though its a race to pour as much booze down their necks.

I suppose he doesn't depend on drink to get him through his days BUT I feel he does need the release now and then. Its this that worries me as this relase results in him being selfish,sick and unable to do anything the next day.

His last comments were that he intends NOT to see the lads for the next 6 months at least. Ha.! I reckon it will be 3 months BUT he assures me as ds2b is due end of Jan nothing will happen between now and then and after ds2b arrives he is well aware of what it involves. I must admit with dd he did buckle down and be a father for the 1st 4-6 months. I think you need to be as it's such a shock and so tiring.

I said the same as well about the phone,but me thinks when he's getting merry he doesn't always have a brain. But yes it does worry me that if anything had happened to me or dd it would have been hours till he knew...

sandyy, I don't own dh and don't expect to control him. BUT imho I don't find it acceptable for him to roll home at 5.30am which has happened on several occasions. Is this a good basis for a marriage..?

Re: Checking his phone, I would rather be one step ahead than be some silly cow years down the line saying "well I thought I knew" or even living in dream world thinking everyones life looks as good as Posh & Beck's.

sandyy, other point is that the people he went out with were OUR friends...If your dh/oh when out with YOUR friends minus you what would you think esp if it was arranged last minute not giving YOU time to get childcare and also when you wanted to join him & them..?

I think that the point here is not really that he went out and got smashed it's that he said that he didn't want to go to the wedding and then at the last minute decided to go and leave his 25 week pregnant wife at home and cause a row to do so.

If he'd turned round and said that he wanted to go to the wedding as he wanted to have a blow out and did Mrs D mind then I think that would be different...he sounds like an arse and i think his behaviour is unreasonable sandyy not Mrs D's. As for checking his mobile come on...there are worse crimes.

MrsD, the issue was because your DH said he didn't want to go then changed his mind, thats right isn't it? So you weren't pi55ed off because he was going out it was because he was sneaky about it and you got the impression he didn't want you there. Your DH sounds just like my DP. When my DP goes out with the lads its like a big competition. Who can tip the most beer down their necks and who gets home the latest. My DP also only used to tell me about his nights out at the very last minute which was just plain sneaky as they had been arranged for ages. Does your DH have a stressful job? Mine does, so I put his binge drinking down to this. And I don't think checking DP/DH's phone is unacceptable at all. Maybe if you feel the need to do that there is trust issues but there shouldn't be any secrets in marriages and OH's shouldn't have anything to hide. Me and my DP always say as soon as you start hiding your phone or deleting all messages and been 'protective' of it theres something wrong. Are you going to ride it out MrsD? Maybe you need to sit down and set some ground rules, they worked for us! x

I hope you can work this out and obviously I don't know all the facts .
I happen to think there is nothing wrong with going out and getting rat arsed till the small hours and being incapapble for the next 24 hours even if you are married and your wife is pregnant.If my husband did this (he has done) it would not worry me. I like to do the same thing every now and again. There is nothing intrinsically wrong in this.

I don't think it is ok to do this every weekend.

The problem arises when someone is married to someone who does NOT think this is ok. (like in your case)
The partner who wants to do it then engages in a bit of self delusion ( best if we don't go) but as the time draws nearer thinks what the heck I really want to go and goes ahead.
if he thought you would be ok with that he might have said from the outset " I want to go myself and get completely pissed and not have to come back early because you won't want to stay late"

Would you have been okay with that if he had said it from the outset?
I still maintain that phone checking is wrong

Daisypops just put it better.

Do you have a problem with him wanting to go out without you and get smashed ?

Or are you fine with that but want him to be upfront?

If the latter I don't think you have too much that needs sorting . You just need to tell him you are absolutley fine with him wanting to go out without you and getting smashed from time to time and to give you plenty notice.

I actually agree with you sanddy BUT i do think that coming in at 5.30 when you have a preggers wife at home who he knows would be worried is just shit.

He created a situation so he could go and get trashed. wrong but very common.

I think that ground rules are the key as DP says. Everybody should be allowed to go out and have a good blow out every now and then but just not with complete disregard to the person who is pregnant at home!!

MrsDoormat I totally empathise with your situation as I have a very similar thing with my dp. What is it about men and the peter pan syndrome some of them seem to suffer with?! My dp seems to have been going through a bit of a mid life crisis recently and thinks its ok to go out all the time. Now just to be clear I have no issues with dp going out with his mates etc but when he says he's going for a couple of beers and then turns up at 3am pissed as anything and having not bothered to contact me to tell me where he is I get pretty pissed off. If I was 25 wks pregnant and had the same thing happen to me that happened to you last night I'd be fuming just as you!!
An honest question - is this a regular occurrence and do you genuinely consider leaving him?

i think he would be shocked and possible not like it if Mrs D was to do the latter- he sounds like he quite likes the drama

Yes dp you have explained it better!! I don't mind him going out as long as it's a resonable time he gets home and I know in advance. Yeah so I may not have wanted to stayed out till late last night BUT it took both of us to make this baby and why should I be the one who puts up with being left alone while he socilaises with our friends.? He has been out on many occasions with different friends and I haven't bothered BUT it's the rolling in at 5.30am that I disagree with. If I was to do it dh wouldn't be impressed.

If he had said from the outset " I want to go out alone" then tbh I would have been annoyed on this occasion as it was a joint invite and who is he to tell me if I can/Can't go with..?! If it was lads only fair do's but it wasn't.! He was also sneeky about it. BTW his "close" friends came away with dp/dw's at around 1.30am, he choose to stay with guys he isn't that close to and actually said to me one was doing his head in..! So why stay out..?!

It depends as what you class as regular..He can not go out for weeks and then go out about 3-4 times a month or sometimes 1-2 times a month it varies BUT it's ALWAYS A HUGE BENDER. This is what I don't like, I thought as he got older he would mature but seems like he hasn't..So yes on occasions such as this I am serious about walking.
How long do I continue with him wanting to relive his youth..? Till he's 40, 50..??

BTW its double standards, If I was to go out and dh couldn't contact me in an emergency or if I came home at 5.30am or if I went out as regular as he does he would hit the roof.
He claims he wants the "quiet life and to do things as a family and to have cosy nights in" BUT obviosuly this is unless he has a better offer.

Does he not get bothered about not being in a fit state to do anything with you dd for the day? Also, is he there for the rest of the wend? I get annoyed on what I consider to be our ds's behalf when dp is either uselss through hangover for the day or just no there as I think you get 2 days a week to imerse yourself with ds, 1 of which you play footie so that actually only leaves 1 and if that's gone its none!!! How are things between you now?

Countto10-My DP went thru what I called a mid life crisis last year and this is when his drinking was at its worst. Men are not as strong as women, even though they like to think they are.

Sandyy is right, if you have different ideas about whats right and wrong theres bound to be arguments. This is the issue me and DP had and thats why the ground rules were set. I never wanted to deprive him of going out with his mates but he couldn't take the piss. If I went out until 5.30 and turned my phone off DP would be fuming. Your DH saying he won't go out for 6 months is strange especially with christmas coming up! Again my DP said this just to pacify (sp) me! FFS, men eh!

DP - what ground rules did you set and did they work? I just get so frustrated as I think right we had a child so life changes, get over it and adjust your priorities!!! It doesn't mean you're never allowed out again its just a little more moderately and with a bit more respect of your new situation?? I just end up feeling like an old nag!!!