What would you do?

[Mrsdoormat]

Long post....

DH & I were invited to the evening of a wedding months ago, we accepted BUT over the last few weeks dh has been adamant he doesn't want to attend. Many factors: My parents are away and noone to watch dd (long issue but major issues with il's and me and I'm not confident leaving her with then again..BUT would do if need be iykwim), I'm 25 weeks pregnant and dh says lots of old friends will be there who are "idiots".

So as I only know this couple through dh and have been out with them once in the 10 years we have been with each other I wasn't bothered. We agreed we would miss it.

DH was not himself yesterday and blamed it on long hours he's working blah de blah BUT I know him and said it's coz the lads are out tomorrow and he's missing out..he was the same today BUT denied it. He's had a face like a yard of shit.

DD was ill last week so we are very tired and I am now chocca with a cold, another reason dh doesn't want us going. I'm also pregnant so look and feel like a whale BUT told him to get his parents around tonight and I will go for an hour or two.Fair I thought..?

He turned it down..Friends have annoyingly texted us both asking if we are going knowing full well the other has texted their partner iykwim.

From 7.30pm-9.30pm dh has sulked, got showered, sat downstairs,offered me brews,offered me loves, offered me gifts tomorrow..the works. I know why, I'm not stupid.

I have told him how I feel if he goes it alone, as our friends are all there I feel left out not going and asked him how he would feel, of course typical bloke he said "oh I would tell you to go"..YEAH RIGHT..!!
I know if he turns up minus me we will be discussed and I feel hurt and betrayed that he wants to go. He says he wants to go and get pissed. I also know that he won't be home when it ends around 12ish, they will all head off into town and as usual he won't be home till very late hours of sunday and very drunk. .

He say's he wants a dw who is more easy going. I have told him to go and find himself one.

How would others feel in my position.? I;m sat at home with a stinking cold, babysitting OUR dd while he's out with OUR friends.
Don't tell me he's panicing over ds2b..he's been through it all with dd and promised to change and never did. I just feel sad that we decided to have another child when he's clearly not prepared to grow up. Yeah sure he's not our 7 days a week but recently it's been 2-4 times a month. (Weddings,works do's,lads night out,get together with old work friends).

TBH the way I feel tonight I don't want to be with him anylonger.

Show him up for the twunt he is.

If hes able to splash money on bottles of champagne cant you arrange a "pamper day" somewhere with friends? It would do you good and he would have to take a day of to childmind!

gg, thats my point entirley. He doesn't seem to realise that I do everthing with dd and at 25 weeks pregnant I find it hard work. My day ends around 7/8 pm once she goes to bed BUT then I still have the home to sort and dh's dinner to do. Yeah yeah I agree sitting in traffic for hours is boring BUT at least he's sat on his fat arse, listening to music etc.

BTW he's 30 BUT IMO acts 16.

I am going to call her BUT ask her to keep quite to the other girls..I don't want to be gossiped about iykwim. I know she will be descreete (sp..) as she has been in a similar situation recently...

Part of me thinks he's up to something... Maybe I am thinking ott. The more I think the more I get suspicious..his phone is always on silent, he deletes the call registair and all texts sent BUT only seems to have the texts I have sent him..Several times I have joked when he's arrived home from work "I bet you see someone else before coming home". He always replies " Don't be silly, Im knackered and couldn't have time for someone else, anyway who'd want me"..?

I think my brain is going into overdrive now..Must stop.

tried to call him several times after he promised me he would answer straight way...aftre 3 attempts he called me. He's pleaded with me not to call this friend as he wants me to keep up this united front. I have told him exactly how I feel but as usual he apologies and says hes sorry and he needs to get out after the week he's had. Says come Jan when the baby is due he will be different. We have the most gorgeous dd and so many freidns remind us how lucky we are etc BUT it doesn't make any difference with dh. He will never change.Friends have told him he's lucky to have a wife and dd like us but imo he doesn't appreciate us.

I have called this friend but her mobile is ringing out.....

I'm gutted .

I think I would just let it lie for tonight now. Your mind is going into overdrive about everything. If I were you I would just let him be. the less of a fuss you make now the more reason he will have to be very guilty tomorrow and make sure he knows why and does something to change. Saying he will change in feb isn't quite the answer really. Try to get some sleep now and just take comfort in the fact that you are right and he is very much in the wrong.

I would think that if it was me specially with all the marauding hormones you must have, but ive been with a cheater before!

Lucky now DH wants me to go out with him and if he wanted muck about he gets the opportunity at work.

Id just try to discuss with him how it makes you feel after all you signed up as a partnership.

I can't understand his actions at all and who knows maybe hormones are making my mind do overtime..?

I feel like he is ashamed of me and doesn't want his friends to see me iykwim. IMO why would someone want to go to a function like a wedding alone esp when they have a dw at home..?
BTW I did suggest taking dd originally and just stay till 8/9pm BUT he was dead against it. It seems that whatever I had suggested wouldn't have been right if it meant me joining him.

My mum is away atm and yesterday she text me asking how I was..I text he telling her exactly what would happen tonight with dh, sadly I was right again.

Thanks everyone for your advice and for being a listening ear. Its nice to know at least that it seems I am not OTT and dh seems to be at fault. Its all to easy for men to turn it around.

I agree with Freaky dont call anyone just let it go for tonight he just being a 'bloke' tonight.

I got called a bunnyboiler on here last week - I left a F... F... message on DHs phone when I couldnt get hold of him over business. TBH YES I over reacted but it feels sometimes like because I am "mum" I always have to ensure I am contactable by Playgroup...school....DH....MIL. Sometimes I just want to be IRRESPONSBILE....slam the front door behind me and wander off without the phone....without a care like he does and just be ME!!!!!

Best friend said her DH is the same.

Thing is gg, if I was out and knew dh was as upset as I am atm in time I would come home....I wouldn't have a good time and would be quite concerned and upset that I had in some way upset him..Men never think the same though do they..?

My parents never went out seperate and I suppose I wanted/expected the same for us. I married him becuase I wanted to be his dw and to be with him and to have a life where we respected each other and basically enjoyed each others company. I haven't got this .

MrsD

Hormones or not - he is being a wanker. No doubt about it. He has plenty of sucking up to do for sure. This is no good though, if he is only going to do the same in a couple of weeks/months time.

You need to find out why he didnt want you there? What is he worried about?

The thing is he is treating you badly and its hard to remember this when it happens but how someone treats us is more about who THEY are than who WE are.

I grew up with parents like yours who socialised together and honestly would not have married anyone who treated me differently.

My previous DP though grew up in a very disfunctional family and had different expectations of our relationship and made me feel it was MY fault...it wasnt though he was just a tosser! Thank god we didnt have children - im sure hes got them sprinkled everywhere by now.

Id better go to bed or DH will think im having cybersex - thanks to Handbag.com sending me a dating e-mail!!

I will make sure I find out tomorrow. I asked him on the phone and he just said, well you aren't well so its not fair on you and yes I am selfish for coming out alone. I told him I was prepared to come out(feeling shit or not) and he said, it was his fault for not sorting out his parents to babysit. Not an answer imo.

I just feel that if he can lie to friends then he can lie to me..He disagrees. .

I think you are over reacting and should cut him some slack
You can't both go.
Why shouldn't one of you go and why should it not be him?They are mainly his frinds are thay not?
I take it you have no wish to go alone?
2-4 times a month is not a big deal imo

thansk gg. LOL to the cybersex bit..!!

Thing is his parents claim to be 100% devoted to their boys when they were younger and didn't socialise alone BUT since I have known them they do sometimes go out alone and mil has weekends away with work and "social" weekends..IMO not needed..

I remind dh how both sets of parents were./are and he replies that this was 30 years ago and things are different now. I remind him that there are lots of men out there with families who don't get into the states he does and who socialse together. He just rolls his eyes..

sandyy have you read the whole thread..?

Why can't/couldn't we both go.? Yes it is his friends who he's known for 20+ years BUT there is also their dw's and dp who I have known for 10 years.

Its was his choice for US not to go and at the last minute he conveniently decided to go alone.

i hae a couple of points
firstly let me say from what you have said he sounds like a shit
however, i hae to say that just becuase you dont like to go out - dont get the opportunity to go out - doesnt mean that he shouldnt go out. it does sound as though you have some resentment towards hm going out and this is a dicotomy beuase you also said you have matured since first child and dont really want to do that anymore - so i think you should explore why you are feeling like this and resenting him going out.

secondly, i think the way he has treated you with regards to the wedding situation is appauling.

if he is tallying up nights out - darling you have 9 months worth to catch up on - they needednt be piss ups if pissups arnt your things - an evening round at friends, going to theatre, cinema, having nails done or hair done. just time away from children.

and what are emergencies exactly?

it sounds to me like your phoning him when he is out simply to show your displeasure - well thats called nagging what ever way up you work it! who wants to answer the phone to that - c'mon be honest!

an emergency should consist of death or hospitalisation. anything else is not an emergency - and if you have to rush home becuase little kid has a slight fever - then somethings wrong - becuase he shouldbe able to cope with that.

and whats with involving friends. absolultey has nothing to do with them - your dh is right.

i hope this has been balanced. he has been a shit. he spoken to you rudely, and treated you with no respect. but i think you have unrealistic expectations. there is nothing wrong with having children and wanting to go out and get absolutley wasted - and 2-4 times a month is not OTT. i realise your saying he doesnt spend a lot of time with you anyway. but to be frank i wouldnt want my dh spending time with me and resenting it. you get 2.4 times a month ( maybe alternate weeks) doing things away from the children. he isnt a little stepford husband. he isnt going to just start thinking the same as you and doing what you want. what you have to do is say - look, treating me disrespectully is not on. i promise to only ring you in a real emergency. we have alternate weeks away from children doing our thing. i am making this comprimise and expect you to treat me well. this will not kick into effect from birth to 6 weeks where i will require you to help me further. may i remind you hat if you find family life so abhorrant you can always have a vasectomy.

Sandy 2- 4 times a month is every other weekend or every weekend & if "Matty" (LOL) has spent all week solo parenting perhaps she would like a break too

Hell ive got to go to bed im going to have DS jumping on me at 5.30

But Custy - she wanted to go - but he disuaded her. Then tonight he says he's going without her.

I'd be fucking furious - absolutely incandescent with rage, if my DH pulled one like this.

I'm really sorry to say it - but are you entirely sure that he is being faithful? The don't tell the friend line and his behaviour in not wanting you there is more than a tad suspicious

thats why i said "secondly, i think the way he has treated you with regards to the wedding situation is appauling. "

thanks for the post custy. Just to make you aware,I don't call dh while he is out, I usually let him call me to say all is ok etc BUT I do think its courtesy to let your dw know where you are at 3am and I don't find it acceptable rolling in drunk at 5am..If the tables were turned he would have me shot for behaving in that way.I also wouldn't do it.

I don't oppose to drinking, I do actually get drunk etc BUT not the the extremes dh does and I feel that if he needs to do that then theres a problem. Do I really want dd to grow up seeing dh coming home drunk, or waking up to him sleeping where he managed to make it to..?

On the occasions he's been out and I have had an emergency it was a case when dd was taken to a&e and dh didn't even bother meeting me there. Choosing to stay out and come home at around 3am.
The time he contacted me in an emergency with dd she was 6 months old and had vomited everywhere etc. He was petrified and felt she needed a&e so I rushed home..Different standards..?!

I don't expect him to be chained to the home yet I do expect respect which like you said he hasn't given me tonight.

IMO as well, I don't want it to be "tit for tat" and I go out because dh has annoyed me or has gone out more than me and vice versa. I married him because I wanted to and because I wanted a life as a married couple. IMO this isn't what I expected. BUT then every married couple is different.

i made my conclusions regarding the phone calls based on this
"I have been out since having dd and enjoyed myself BUT my/our friends have children and work (I;m a sahm) so it's not easy getting nights out iykwim. Also funny, when I;m out dh can contact me 24/7 as I feel there have been emergencies when he's needed me and I have been there BUT its strange when he's out he nevers answers his phone..Always on silent or he didn't feel it vibrate..OR he's lost it. . "

however if you wanted me to just say he is a cock sucking mother fucker - then he is

Every weekend or every other weekend is a lot if you don't see much of each other all week. I agree with custy that i wouldnt want my dp spending time with me and resenting it BUT if my dd resented spending time with me I'm not sure id want him full stop. I would certainly start to question things.

And it is the fact that he did not want you with him that is a real problem for me, wanting to go out and get drunk occasionally is fine, wanting to go out on his own occasionally is fine but this does not sound like that to me. It actually sounds quite a lot like how my dp used to be and still is a little but we are working on this. And it does sound a bit suspicious to me but then i have been cheated on before so think i probably jump to this conclusion too quickly now because i was so slow coming to it before.

But i think something needs to happen or be done to change this or he will just carry on, at the moment he seems quite happy to have a day of sucking up as long as he's had his night out before.
My dp would lie and lie saying hes not going out then at the last minute something would change and he'd go out, id give him grief for a couple of days and he'd creep to me being helpful and lovely for a couple of days till it was all forgotten then he'd do it all again

lol custy.!

What I mean by those posts is that there have been occasions when I have called him as I haven't heard from him all night and his phone has rung out. His excuse has been "oh it's on silent etc" or occasions when he was abroard for a stag do and again nothing, or he stayed away at work..again nothing. Both occasions his mobile had been stolen.

Funny, the times I have been out I have ALWAYS managed to answer my mob, usually because it vibrates. I have also NEVER lost my mobile but then again I have never been in the states he has..rat fodder I would call it .

pesha, "My dp would lie and lie saying hes not going out then at the last minute something would change and he'd go out, id give him grief for a couple of days and he'd creep to me being helpful and lovely for a couple of days till it was all forgotten then he'd do it all again " my dh is EXACTLY the same.

In fact when I lived at home my mum was quick to pick up on the fact that if I was on a night out he would cause an argument so I had a shit night and if HE was on a night out he would either tell me last minute or all week deny wanting to go out and come an hour or so before he would cause an argument with me so he could turn around and so "fu*k you I'm off out".

Trouble is I am to soft and to forgiving. Yeah I have words with him but exactly the same happens like pesha.

thanks again. Im off to bed so will catch up with this tomorrow. xx