Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do distraught

93 replies

TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 19:44

My stbxh and I split in November when he couldn't say he loved me, we reconciled in December and he promised to go to counselling etc (which he never did). I've felt suspicious about his relationship with a colleague for a number of years who I warned him was over stepping the mark with contact. He's since said he was aware of all this and did. It anyway. I found messages on Monday saying he loved her etc and kicked him out and have filed for divorce but when we spoke today he said he knew about stepping over the mark and did it anyway as things were so horrible with us and he was so miserable. I knew things were not good but he never gave us a chance. I feel like absolute shit. He didn't care about me at all and he had the audacity to say in the beginning hd couldn't have imagined wanting to see anyone else, but he did in fact have a ons 2 years into our relationship before marriage and kids. I feel as if I'm not worth anything. He's said nothing has happened between the ow as she is married to and they just talked about their feelings and agreed that nothing could happen. I feel do betrayed and I know he's an utter cunt but why do I want him to say he wants me and not her? I don't even want the fucker but I feel so bitter and jealous. I'm a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 19:45

Sorry for typos sobbing so much can barely see screen x

OP posts:
Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 19:46

How long with this feeling last? I just can't do it much longer

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 07/02/2015 19:47

I'm sorry
Every day you feel this bad is one less in the grand scheme of things...it will get better

fancyanotherfez · 07/02/2015 19:49

((-)) don't know what to say as thankfully never been in this situation, but you sound very upset. He's wrong to blame you. He has cheated twice on you. You are well shot. She will have to put up with worrying about all his female friends and colleagues now.

TruckingOn · 07/02/2015 19:51

So sorry you're going through this. I'm sure the usual Relationships ladies will be over shortly with help and advice but I saw you had just posted so wanted to let you know there's someone here, listening.

Have you got a RL mate that could pop round and cheer you up this evening?

Flowers
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 19:55

I'm sorry you're so upset. You feel the way you do because there are few things more distressing and crushing than personal rejection. However badly he has behaved, you think it would all be better if the rejection stopped... and that means him saying he's made a terrible mistake and it's you he wants after all. Something like that?

I can't tell you how long the feeling lasts but I can tell you that it will drag on a lot longer if there are second chances, opportunities to tell you 'it meant nothing', ideas of counselling and similar. The more false hopes you have in front of you, the harder this stage of the process becomes. 'No contact' isn't easier exactly, but it offers a clean break and a shorter period of pain

How long has it been now since he finally left? Do you have friends or family that you can be with? Have you considered talking to your GP?

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 20:01

He left on Monday. He gave me false hope in December when we got back together and he was still messaging this ow. I counted 60 messages between them from 4pm - 11pm on Sunday. He said he loved her. He's not said that to me for a year. I do want him to say he wants me. I know I don't want him at all as he's treated me appallingly but I feel so utterly cast aside and why doesn't he want me?? I did everything for him?? I put him first our entire marriage and he does this to me??? Why???

OP posts:
Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 20:03

I want it to all just go away.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/02/2015 20:21

Of course you want it to go away. In spite of all the to-ing and fro-ing, you've really only been properly separated for 5 days. It's bound to be horribly raw. Rejection is like a bodily assault - a punch in the guts - and what it's tough to get your head around is that he is not behaving this way because of you as person, anything you said or did. He's not even doing something to you especially. He is doing his own sweet thing, being selfish, chasing women, being deceptive, impulsive, thoughtless.... and you are simply collateral damage.

I don't know if that idea makes it feel better or worse.

Do you have someone to be with? You need people about you or the danger is you will sink too far into the grief.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 21:13

Thanks cog. The thing is I know it's not me, or anything I did or didn't do. But I just can't believe that he could be so fucking cruel. I know he's trying to justify his own horrific behaviour by making out I'm some monster who has made his home life hell. The thing is I'd always said I would never, ever be treated this way by anyone and12 years later here we are. I feel ashamed that I let him do that to me. The utter fucking bastard. How fucking dare he!

I thankfully have my parents staying with me who are shocked at quite how bad the marriage had become. The more people I speak to, the more I realise how hideously he's treated me. The little things that I thought were normal are actually things that friends have said would have ended their marriages which came as a bit of a shock to me. I guess I feel ashamed now that I put up with it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2015 07:46

There's no place for feeling ashamed. A different man would have taken your love, kindness and forgiveness and believed himself to be the luckiest man on earth rather than throwing it back in your face and treating you badly. Why you put up with it will be a complex mix of your own confidence & self-esteem, your beliefs around the obligations of marriage/family life (children?), his various promises and lies etc 'How fucking dare he!' is a very useful phrase to cling onto. Indignation is a lot more energising than self-pity and will give you strength. Interesting that your friends saw through him. Prior to this would you have said others thought he was a great guy?

Glad you've got your parents staying and that they are supportive. Hope you have a better day today.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 08/02/2015 09:37

No, he doesn't have any friends. He has a strained relationship with his parents and is in scant contact with his brother. He had colleagues that he went out occasionally with (ow included in this group) but we didn't have mutual friends as he kept his work and me very separate after our first ds was born.

OP posts:
Irelephant · 08/02/2015 09:44

tangled you have nothing to be ashamed of. Of course your going to be upset you have just lost a massive part of your life.

First it will get easier slowly but surely. You say you have children? If your not coping you need to go to the doctors tomorrow and tell them how you feel. They should be able to give you something (if you want it) to help you short term.

You sound angry on your second of last post. Anger is good it's better than crying . He sounds like an utter tosser. You and your kids deserve better then that Flowers

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 08/02/2015 09:45

My marriage ended in a similar way and it's horrific. Be gentle on yourself, I spent the first month in tears and was a complete mess. Six months on and I still have the odd wobble (this week has been hard as the decree absolute arrived) but I am much much better.

The feelings of rejection and betrayal are overwhelming at first but day by day you adjust and learn to cope with it.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 08/02/2015 09:55

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2076728-Jealousy-and-snooping

Good god; found this old tread of mine. I was right all along.

OP posts:
OP posts:
Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 08/02/2015 10:04

This is not them all, but you get the jist......

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/02/2015 10:17

It doesn't make it any easier knowing you were right all along, unfortunately.

magoria · 08/02/2015 11:28

He can do this because emotionally he checked out a long time ago. So although he may still care for you 99%of his emotional investment is elsewhere.

You are familiar and useful to stay with and better than nothing when he has no where else to go and OW is married.

It is not you. It is him.

Sorry you are going through this. It will get better little by little.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 09/02/2015 17:10

I've been to gp and got low dose ad's and something to help me sleep. I'm still struggling very much, and I think the shock is wearing off somewhat now and the reality that this is actually what my life now is.

I'm aware I'm not being a great mum at the minute, but my boys are fed and cuddled (and sobbed) on frequently. I feel numb and as if I will never enjoy anything again. My boys need me and I need to be stronger.

I'm going to mediation Wednesday so feel positive about that - just need to fucking man up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm a week in and have already filed for divorce and arranged mediation, seen gp and counsellor so I suppose I'm not doing too badly.

I've also lost another stone so every cloud etc. etc.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 17:12

You poor thing. You might not realise but you are doing fine

your boys will be ok. ..fed and warm is all they need for now

this is horrible Thanks

shovetheholly · 09/02/2015 17:16

Tangled - you poor, poor thing. You've had a huge shock, and you've been treated appallingly.

All I can say is: you will get through this, even though you may not feel that right now! And instead of feeling invalidated by his inability to keep it in his pants, you will come to see that you have excellent judgement. You were right all along about this horrible situation. Not only that, but you've got the beginnings of a recovery plan, right there - you've done everything that you need to do in terms of starting mediation, counselling, anti-depressants and keeping things steady for your DCs. You are so strong, and things will start to feel better soon.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 09/02/2015 17:21

The thing is, he's been an utter shit the entire marriage and it would have ruined me to carry on. I don't even want him, but the physical pain (pride??) of him not wanting me is horrific. I think it's because I put up with so much that I knew was wrong and then for him to start an affair with someone else is just a kick in the teeth and makes my stupid sacrifices pointless.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 17:32

That's gotta fucking sting Sad

But remember, at the time you were doing it for the right reasons. It's not your fault he was never going to be worthy of your efforts.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 09/02/2015 17:40

Does the fact that it started when he chose to work away through the week and stay in a hotel with ow (only an hour away from where we live) for a month 3 days after my son was born via csection make it all the more delightful???

I think you'll be able to see what a honest, caring husband and father I've lost........oh yes, that's right, good riddance to bad rubbish.

OP posts: