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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do distraught

93 replies

TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 19:44

My stbxh and I split in November when he couldn't say he loved me, we reconciled in December and he promised to go to counselling etc (which he never did). I've felt suspicious about his relationship with a colleague for a number of years who I warned him was over stepping the mark with contact. He's since said he was aware of all this and did. It anyway. I found messages on Monday saying he loved her etc and kicked him out and have filed for divorce but when we spoke today he said he knew about stepping over the mark and did it anyway as things were so horrible with us and he was so miserable. I knew things were not good but he never gave us a chance. I feel like absolute shit. He didn't care about me at all and he had the audacity to say in the beginning hd couldn't have imagined wanting to see anyone else, but he did in fact have a ons 2 years into our relationship before marriage and kids. I feel as if I'm not worth anything. He's said nothing has happened between the ow as she is married to and they just talked about their feelings and agreed that nothing could happen. I feel do betrayed and I know he's an utter cunt but why do I want him to say he wants me and not her? I don't even want the fucker but I feel so bitter and jealous. I'm a mess

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 17:43

You will get there, love. Thanks

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 09/02/2015 17:59

I will, but it will be hard to walk carrying his children and all his money Wink

It's like a bloody roller coaster, sobbing one minute and laughing about me and my boys not walking on eggshells any more. I'm so incredible sure it's the right thing and I'm so proud I've stood up for myself and said that's enough, I'm worth far more than you emotionally, physically and financially (by the time this is over Grin ) so here's a big fuck you matey.

OP posts:
Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 09/02/2015 17:59

The fuck you matey was, of course, not directed at you AF Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 18:00
Grin
Weebirdie · 09/02/2015 18:35

Can you understand that something about you changed and he has gone on to another victim?

And whilst you may not understand that now, you will in future, and it will bring you peace.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 10/02/2015 07:36

Wee birdie I think you might have something there - it all changed after we had ds - probably because he wasn't centre of attention. If I'm honest, he was never that smitten with the kids, don't get me wrong, he loves them but wants to put in no effort and can't be arsed with the shitty bits. Selfish fucker. I guess he knew I wouldn't let him bully the kids like he did me and he got an insight into how strong I am. And I am. And I will get through this. Everything I do from this point on is honest and true and puts me and my childrens emotional well being first. I have saved my children from growing up in such a bad example of what family life is.

OP posts:
JimmyChoosChimichanga · 10/02/2015 07:43

Tangled I have been where you are but here is a nugget that will help. Once the dust settles and he moves on to his next victim (whispers) He will treat her in exactly the same way.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 10/02/2015 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 10/02/2015 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 10/02/2015 10:54

Thanks Fairy! Feel very positive today. Sure I'll have down days, but when I get a good one, I'm going to grab it and enjoy it - it'll make me stronger for the bad ones x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 17:40

I like the sound of you, gin Thanks You'll be ok.

Weebirdie · 11/02/2015 06:01

Gin, that's the spirit Grin

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 11/02/2015 09:25

Going to see mediator today. Not feeling as good as yesterday. Very nervous. Seems all too real now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2015 19:06

how was it, love ?

Christinayang1 · 11/02/2015 20:17

You will have ups and downs but you have done well so far, keep going

Focus on how good life will be for you and your boys

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 12/02/2015 07:37

It was horrific. She mentioned marriage counselling which really threw me. I nearly went for it, but then realised the only reason I would want it is to stop the hideous pain I'm in. I don't want him, but can't stop torturing myself with picturing him with her. I've got to focus more on my future which will be better.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2015 12:48

I would look more into individual counselling just for yourself rather than joint marriage counselling

Weebirdie · 12/02/2015 13:53

Gin - yes to what AF has said.

Also remember that he started his affair when he realised you had changed, that you were on your way to no longer being his victim.

These men have a radar for this and can quite often sense change in us before we sense it ourselves.

Weebirdie · 12/02/2015 13:54

And yes to the individual counselling. A big fat yes!

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 13/02/2015 08:03

Already having counselling. Feeling really shaken up by everything. All I want is for him to come back and say it's all a terrible mistake. But he won't. And I know it would be wrong to go back. And I don't think I would. But this is so hard. I fucking hate the selfish bastard for what he's done to our beautiful family. And to me who did nothing but love and support him. Bastard.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 13/02/2015 08:39

Tangled, Things won't get better overnight, and one good day doesn't necessarily mean another good day will follow.

It just kind of happens that over time the gaps in the good and the bad days become shorter and you even get to the stage where you say to yourself - right, I know the next hour is going to be hard but I will get through it and I'll be ok.

Can you find something nice to start doing for yourself, maybe a keep fit class once a week, it will bring some order to your life and help you feel back in control of it.

Original poster
TangledUpInGin · 13/02/2015 11:13

I can barely drag myself out of bed to look after the children. I'm utterly exhausted and just want it to all go away. I'm so angry that he's just discarded me after everything we've been through. I don't think he ever gave us a chance. I know what we had was shit, but financially I was safe, even if emotionally I was in tatters. I just feel so unwanted and worthless.

OP posts:
ninetynineonehundred · 13/02/2015 11:20

Tangled you are the one who tried, who forgave and who carried on. That makes you a queen not worthless.
The fact that an idiot doesn't want you simply means that he was too stupid to see what he had.
Why would you want an idiot - you deserve someone who can see how amazing you are.
I know it's hurting more than you thought possible right now and I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

wifeontherun · 13/02/2015 11:25

Hello dear OP. I separated from my very difficult, complicated demanding narcissistic husband in July last year. It has been horrendous, at first he reacted in bewilderment, begged me to reconsider (whilst not acknowledging his part or giving me any idea that he would actually change) and I held out which is really the hardest thing. Last week he told me is seeing someone, an old friend who I know and it has been going on since new year. I am absolutely bowled for 6, shocked, sad can not believe while I was crying on my sofa, consumed with grief and guilt he was shagging this blonde skinny nothing. So, i want to tell you that as mad as it feels, you don't want him, are probably superior in every way to both him and her it HURTS like hell. Its friday, i plan on drinking ALOT with my lovely mates and ranting about what a bunch of utter c*nts men are. (well this one in particular) might I suggest something similar for you? Take care xx

Sickoffrozen · 13/02/2015 11:27

It takes time. Just go with the flow and in 6 months you will be in a much better place.

He sounds horrible. Don't go back to a horrible man even if he does beg you. Your life would not get any better because men like this never change.