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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do distraught

93 replies

TangledUpInGin · 07/02/2015 19:44

My stbxh and I split in November when he couldn't say he loved me, we reconciled in December and he promised to go to counselling etc (which he never did). I've felt suspicious about his relationship with a colleague for a number of years who I warned him was over stepping the mark with contact. He's since said he was aware of all this and did. It anyway. I found messages on Monday saying he loved her etc and kicked him out and have filed for divorce but when we spoke today he said he knew about stepping over the mark and did it anyway as things were so horrible with us and he was so miserable. I knew things were not good but he never gave us a chance. I feel like absolute shit. He didn't care about me at all and he had the audacity to say in the beginning hd couldn't have imagined wanting to see anyone else, but he did in fact have a ons 2 years into our relationship before marriage and kids. I feel as if I'm not worth anything. He's said nothing has happened between the ow as she is married to and they just talked about their feelings and agreed that nothing could happen. I feel do betrayed and I know he's an utter cunt but why do I want him to say he wants me and not her? I don't even want the fucker but I feel so bitter and jealous. I'm a mess

OP posts:

Jan45 · 13/02/2015 11:31

This is as bad as it will get, I know it hurts but just say to yourself things can only get better from now on, it's fine to come on here and rant away, he sounds a prize arsehole btw so you are right to feel relieved to have gotten rid but yes of course, you feel shit cos of this OW but really in a few weeks you wont feel like that at all, you will be glad she's got him now and not you.

Your new life is shiny and waiting, delve in, it can only get better. Stay strong, you are a very capable woman who has just got rid of a deadbeat guy.

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 13/02/2015 11:31

Fuck it. No one has died. I have two beautiful children. An amazing family and am now free of a weak little man that didn't realise how wonderful his life was. Well fuck you. I love my children more than anything and they are what makes my life worth living, not some egotistical pathetic little man who has lost everything for the sake of having his ego stroked by a predatory fucking whore. I cannot stand to even think of you without feeling sick at what you have done. You disgust me and you will not beat me down. I am far stronger than you and I am worth ten times what you are. Now fuck off back under your stone and carry on with your infantile texting to your married ow. I hope she never leaves her husband you utter fuckweasel.

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Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 13/02/2015 11:32

Fuckweasel??

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AnyFucker · 13/02/2015 14:17

fuckweasel sums it up

Jan45 · 13/02/2015 15:22

Well said!

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 13/02/2015 19:01

Had a really good afternoon. Bought a couple of presents for friends bdays and my absolutely divinely gorgeous ds1 chose mummy some flowers for valentines day (I know it's early!). He queued up all by himself with an enormous bunch of flowers nearly as big as him and very proudly told everyone they were for his mummy I, obviously, cried and in the middle of m&s as well. We then came home, opened a bottle of fizz and had a toast to the future, and love my ds1 piped up! I'm inclined to agree; the future and love x

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Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 13/02/2015 19:02

And absolutely no fuckweasels

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Weebirdie · 14/02/2015 00:55

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 14/02/2015 13:41

Having a lovely meal out with family - the sort of thing that would have caused ructions or bad tempers in the past and I can enjoy every minute of it without having to factor in a 39 year old child. Life can only get better. I'm sure I'll have bad days, but I'm going to start living now I'm not in the shadows anymore.

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ChocolateFreckle · 14/02/2015 16:12

I went through very similar 10 months ago and all the messages of "it'll get better" didn't help at the time. But it really will. I feel so much better now. Still get the odd day of feeling pissed off about it all but the majority are positive days where I realise how bloody lucky I am to be out of such a toxic relationship. Give it time. Glad you're having a good day today x

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 14/02/2015 19:34

I've contacted the ows husband via twitter. I don't know if he'll make contact, but feel he should know about his wife and my husband. It isn't for revenge, but more to stop the poor sod flogging a dead horse like I've done for years. I know some people might not agree, but feeling how I did when trying so very hard to make my marriage work when there was no chance, I don't want him to go through that.

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AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 19:39

I would do what feels right

ChocolateFreckle · 14/02/2015 19:43

I did the same. He didn't reply to me. But I felt better having been open and honest with him. I did it for the same reasons as you not for any kind of revenge. I just put myself in his shoes and would have wanted to know.

Weebirdie · 15/02/2015 02:47

Tangled, I'll go as far as saying even if it was for revenge then so what?

There are time when being the bigger person is way over rated.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 15/02/2015 05:06

I'm so glad to see the change as I read through - you are Tangled no more I hope.

I too have been where you are but mine did say it was all a terrible mistake. I thought I would feel better about it, because he was acknowledging how wrong he was and yada yada but actually it didn't feel as I expected it to. He was never ever going to be allowed back and in the end when he said it I felt 1) what a waste then, you ripped all of our lives apart and you couldn't even make it 'worth it' 2) shame for you you didn't think as much of us then as you do now 3) even though it was the result I thought I wanted it did nothing to undo or ease the pain of what had happened, it made no difference.
In some ways it made it worse because it all felt so very, very pointless.

However he did me a massive favour because it turns out he is a huge prick and lies to boot so the life and marriage I thought I had was largely of my own making and the rest was fantasy. So when I realised that I thought 'I'm clearly bloody good at it if I was happy with you, you lying little shit' and it has been bliss since, building a solid, happy and stable core for us means even the shitty parts of divorce and co-parenting (his favourite yet most misunderstood word) have been emotionally much easier to deal with - if you had asked me at the beginning, with the bottom ripped out of my world, there is no way I could have believed it - but weeks really once I saw things for what they were and it all started to fall into place.
It is much better in so many ways than the marriage I thought I was ok in - the cost of it has been regret; how I regret the years lost to him when we could have been happier without him than I ever realised. The graft I put in to maintaining my own unhappiness! To believing it was as much my fault, that you just put up, shut up and work harder during rocky times because life is never all a rose garden, even when it had been all rocks and no roses for too long (thanks ma!) and never quite catching on it was very much all on my side. I took vows, he took the piss...more fool me!
It may not feel like it for a while but I hope soon you will have more and more little things that make you happy that you wouldn't necessarily have had/done with him, that in turn they lead to big things and soon enough you are genuinely living the life you want where this overwhelming pain of now ceases to hurt at all. You can think about it, talk about it and it will all be simply what it is, not the knife in the guts it is now.
You are doing wonderfully, he has underestimated you, may he soon regret it!

Weebirdie · 15/02/2015 05:41

Bernard - an absolutely fabulous post, especially the bit about the years of graft you put into maintaining your own unhappiness.

Much respect.

arlagirl · 15/02/2015 05:55

tangled good on you girl.
My divorce came through this week....only told him it was over in September.
I feel strong, positive, excited...after years of feeling downtrodden and second class.

He can't stand the fact that I am coping and am happy.
I hope you stay focussed on yourself and family .

Smooshface · 15/02/2015 06:10

I found an old diary the other week, documenting how terribly miserable my ex made me (long time ago now). I cannot believe I put up with his crap for so long, ow is certainly welcome to him! It hurt me so much at the time knowing he wanted her and not me, so glad now as my life with partner who is fantastic got on track much quicker thanks to him ending it.

This is beginning of new chapter, the pain will go, you are well shot of him

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 15/02/2015 21:29

I've had a great day - started off with fuckweasel coming round to pick the kids up ranting and carrying on as bloody per......made me really grateful that I will no longer have to put up with him - I particularly liked the fact that I just laughed at the angry, balding little man becoming apoplectic at not been able to find anything in his office. I don't think fuckweasel appreciated my giggling. He did however warn me to change my attitude or I wouldn't get any money I did take great glee in informing him that it would be up to the courts, not him. He didn't like that very much. I did

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AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 21:33

brilliant

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 15/02/2015 21:37

Oh AF, it was magical! He's beginning to realise the grass is not greener - he's living with his parents, with no friends, and now no wife and children seen twice a week - oh, and his ow/gf has not left her dh - life is good my friends

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AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 21:40

karma's a bitch, right ?

stupid little man will be left with fuck all.

Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 16/02/2015 10:02

Well, what goes round comes round. I hope he spent a lovely valentines day with his parents who he loathes whilst mournfully messaging his gf/ow who was on a romantic date with her dh I on the other hand, spent the day with my wonderful family, enjoying my life for the first time in forever

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Original poster

TangledUpInGin · 12/03/2015 19:38

Just wanted to update. I'm a million miles away from my first post (thankfully!). I'm back at work, moving forward with house sale, ds2 is at nursery and loving it. Ds1 is completely enamoured of his after school club.

I've reconnected with friends I'd neglected (apologies, lovely friends). I've had a couple of nights out and gone to a ball where I looked awesome due to not being able to eat a thing for weeks!

Oh,nearly forgot, divorce is going through so once house is sold and financials are sorted I'm free!!!

All in all, I'm doing fucking amazingly!! It is helped by fuckweasel being his usual arsehole self and acting like a twat at every opportunity! Oh and the icing on the cake is that the ow hasn't left her husband

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Quitelikely · 12/03/2015 20:07

Just read this thread. Wow!

Well done. You are an absolute inspiration to anyone going through something similar!

Is he still seeing her? Has he asked to come back?

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