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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Saw ex - boyfriend today. Horrible!

88 replies

wildwest · 07/02/2015 18:55

Haven't set eyes on him in nearly a year. He's blocked me because of one episode of drunk texting. I've posted about him before. Trouble is I've spent every day thinking of him. I guess I've made him something in my head he really isn't. Anyway - I went to tesco with my daughter and saw him by the checkout chatting to someone. Went with my daughter to look at Dvd's hoping he'd be gone. Went to pay and he was right in front of me. As I got near (he was facing me) it was clear he was just going to ignore me. So as I passed I grabbed his arm, smiled and said 'hi' in a breezy manner. He turned his head slightly and very off handedly said 'Oh hi'. That was it. And I could cry. I did. Have chatted to my friends who have been great and supportive.

Just hate that I could have been someone he hardly knew. ... not someone who had been intimate with him. Just a horrible feeling.

I've dated since. Met someone lovely in fact but kept thinking of this ex boyfriend so ended it. Silly me.

One funny thing. .. In my drunken texts I told him to buy another shirt for going out (he had the same one every time) and he was wearing the same shirt. Other than that - all feels pretty shit. I'm probably having a slight pitty party because I've been ill, stuck indoors and a feel a little bit down. :-(

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/02/2015 19:03

He has blocked you, was going to ignore you, so why did you speak to him?

I'm sorry that you feel so shit, but I cant help wondering why you spoke to him when he obviously wants nothing to do with you and it was going to hurt you when that happened.

elsabelle · 07/02/2015 19:25

I feel your pain WildWest. I live in dread of bumping into mine, am sure it'll happen sooner or later. I saw his car parked on a side street a few weeks ago and that was enough to send me into a panic attack and crying session!

Dont worry, its hard to know how we will react to these situations and when youre actually confronted with it, adrenaline takes over and theres not really any time to plan your response. I think saying a casual hello shows that you are the bigger person.

If you are anything like me, the best way to get over one man/woman is to get under another. I know thats not the popular way of looking at it, but some of us just need to distraction of some casual dating!

Well done and keep on keeping on. Sending hugs xx

elsabelle · 07/02/2015 19:27

ps. LOL about the shirt!! I bet mine is still wearing the same head to toe Superdry and Converse to project his carefully constructed image of being Oh So Cool. Twat..

Original poster

wildwest · 07/02/2015 20:00

Well I guess it is the blocking! It's a little extreme for a few (one time! ) drunk messages - especially when I'd had this lovely email from him not long before telling me how lovely I was and in view of the fact that we had hooked up a few weeks after our breakup (not long before the blocking). If I had done something massively offensive - I could understand. His friend approached me after it happened to say he was sorry he had done it and that he could be a bit of a tit sometimes. I don't know. Just don't know how someone can switch feelings off like that. I guess I was trying to make it right by just saying hi.

Thanks elsabelle!

OP posts:

UmizoomiThis · 07/02/2015 20:05

In the gentlest way possible, if you still think about him daily after a year - then he sort of got it right breaking off all contact with you. You weren't ever going to be just friends without you reading into it, etc.

I'm also shocked you grabbed his arm. Why?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2015 20:13

I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, it's understandable. If you don't get a handle on them though, you're liable to do this again next time you see him.

It's time for you to face the (probable) reality, ie. he saw you at the supermarket and was possibly hoping you would find another till. I would have feigned forgetfulness and gone to get something - and joined another till. You actually put your hands on him to gain his attention. Why did you do that? You say your were trying to 'make it right' but what you were actually doing was forcing him to acknowledge you, to make you feel better, when you knew that he didn't want anymore contact with you.

A man who would behave as you did would be called a stalker and possibly threatened with the police... doing EXACTLY the same thing as you.

You might as well stop analysing the situation because it really won't help you. It doesn't matter what your friend says - or his friend says - this man doesn't want to be in contact with you and if you make contact again, he will likely reject you again and maybe more aggressively this time to make you get the message.

Please get the message because you don't want this man to hurt you again. You mustn't contact him, not in any way shape or form. It will get easier for you if you just let that pain actually manifest itself and not try to cover it up with unwanted contact. Take support from your friends and distract yourself until it becomes no effort at all.

Original poster

wildwest · 07/02/2015 20:25

It was a light friendly touch really but I get what you are saying. I hate bad feeling especially in this situation where clearly I still have feelings for this man. I haven't seen him in a year so I can hardly be accused of stalking him. That said I do know I have to move on and I have been trying.

OP posts:

elsabelle · 07/02/2015 20:50

How long were you together Wildwest? When you love someone deeply it takes time, especially if you are sensitive and empathetic person, so don't worry. It has always taken me a year minimum to get over my serious relationships. You will get there and if all you've done in a year is text once and say hi in a supermarket then I'd say that's pretty good going x

handfulofcottonbuds · 07/02/2015 20:58

I understand that he is still on your mind as it finished before you were ready. You're hurt, that's natural. Drunk texting....I bet a lot of us have done it but it sounds like in your drunk texting you criticized him and his clothes. I'm not surprised he blocked you.

Accept it's over, move forward. I don't believe in the 'quickest way to get over a man is to get under another', I think that could hurt more and certainly isn't fair on the other person to use them in that way.

Your OP did say you grabbed his arm which is why the responses have been as they are. You hopefully know now that a smile, just a smile, would have been the best way in this situation. Just an acknowledgement.

I think it shows from the date you had and comparing him to this man that you are probably not ready for dating at the moment. Take some time for you and your DD. If he enters your head, push him out.

You have him on a pedestal, knock it down each day and maintain your dignity.

Good luck.

Original poster

wildwest · 07/02/2015 21:14

Grabbed was a wrong choice of words. I'd do the same with anyone to get their attention. Just place my hand on his arm to say hi. For a split second.

I've had people drunk text me. I wouldn't block them if I knew what they were fundamentally about. Anyway. It is what it is. Just a shock to see him after so long. maybe I was hoping time would have made a difference.

Had a cry and hoping this will help me turn a corner.

OP posts:

DaygloYellowLady · 08/02/2015 10:18

Op, many years ago I had an ex like this - I just couldn't let him go even though the relationship was going nowhere. I ran into him quite recently and frankly it was hard to work out what all the fuss had been about. If I'd have got my wish and we had stayed together my life would be nothing like as good as it is now and there would have been some really quite fundamental things ( think kids,trtravelling etc) I would never have had.

Original poster

wildwest · 08/02/2015 10:35

Well - it's funny because it wasn't a massively long relationship - only three months. But it ended so suddenly. He had been full on, said we were serious etc so when it ended I was a bit like 'what the hell? '. I hadn't been 100 percent sure when seeing him but after it was over I wanted to be with him badly. Now I wonder if he would have been the sulky type in a relationship - because I didn't know him well enough really. I never thought he would be like this with me? I couldn't be like this without giving a reason, not with someone I had cared for. Nothing I can do about it though.

OP posts:

Smearyglass · 08/02/2015 10:40

You were only together 3 months

He has blocked you and was obviously ignoring you a YEAR down the line

I know its hurtful. I know you are hurt. But you really really need to think about if you might need some help with getting over this.

Smearyglass · 08/02/2015 10:42

Your last post is all about you, 'you' couldn't be like this, 'you' wonder what he would be like in a relationship. He probably stopped thinking about you a long time ago.

You really do need to move on

exWifebeginsat40 · 08/02/2015 10:44

you were together for three months? and a year after you broke up you still feel this way?

you need to get some perspective. you seem obsessed.

Original poster

wildwest · 08/02/2015 10:46

No - I am over it. I'm not sat here with delusions we will get back together. I know it was short but sometimes people can affect you. Although when I date I do find myself thinking of him because it was so easy so I guess that is a problem. It's the fact that he chose to block and treat me like this over some minor drunk texting. It bothers me. I just want us to be ok - not friends - but ok... but clearly I can't make that happen. Will focus on how he was with me yesterday. I only posted to say it was upsetting. Wasn't looking for criticism. :-(

OP posts:

MaudeLebowski · 08/02/2015 10:49

I'm a bit embarrassed for you.

Take the hint... I know it is tough... but he doesn't have feelings for you. You barely had a relationship. I'd block if somebody was harassing me drunk.

And I'd be more than horrified if you had grabbed my arm in the supermarket. I can't actually believe you did that.

You've got to get some perspective here. Its been a YEAR. 4 times as long as your relationship.

Original poster

wildwest · 08/02/2015 10:50

Well yes smearyglass. I am posting about me and my feelings. I'm quite sure he doesn't think about me anymore - thank you for reminding me. I can't help that it upset me. I'm not obsessed. I'm not harassing him. I haven't seen him in a year. I'm just sensitive and it affected me. Posting about it has not helped.

OP posts:

MaudeLebowski · 08/02/2015 10:52

It is the ver sensitivity that is worrying though, wildwest.

It wasn't a marriage, or a long term relationship. It was a 3 month fling over a year ago. Thats why people are suggesting that you might need extra help with this, from people able to provide it.

MaudeLebowski · 08/02/2015 10:52

*over sensitivity

Original poster

wildwest · 08/02/2015 10:53

Thanks very much for the support - telling me I'm obsessed and you are embarrassed for me. I hope you get as much support when you are upset one day. I'm actually a nice person with feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

wildwest · 08/02/2015 10:55

Well that's me. Oversensitive. Deluded. Obsessed. An embarrassment. apparently.

OP posts:

MaudeLebowski · 08/02/2015 10:59

Well I actually find tough love quite helpful, but you don't. So I'll try another approach.

Do you understand that pining over a relatively insignificant relationship is unusual - and not an indicator of a healthy mental state?

Are you having any other self confidence issues? Do you truly feel that you deserve to be loved?

VanitasVanitatum · 08/02/2015 11:00

Don't take it hard, I think people are trying to be supportive in the best way possible for you, which is to tell you it is genuinely unhealthy for you to be thinking and worrying about this.

You need to not wonder why he blocked you, not think about how it was unfair that he blocked you - those are just irrelevant thoughts.

You need to focus on simply not thinking about him at all, in anyway. Very hard to do but keep working on it. Whenever he comes into your head don't indulge the thoughts, distract and move on.

MaudeLebowski · 08/02/2015 11:05

Wholeheartedly agree Vanitas

Indulging this worrying about him only makes getting over someone much harder.

The trick to getting over someone is a complete mental block - and looking through them when you see them in public - which OP needs to learn to do.

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