Saw ex - boyfriend today. Horrible!

[wildwest]

Haven't set eyes on him in nearly a year. He's blocked me because of one episode of drunk texting. I've posted about him before. Trouble is I've spent every day thinking of him. I guess I've made him something in my head he really isn't. Anyway - I went to tesco with my daughter and saw him by the checkout chatting to someone. Went with my daughter to look at Dvd's hoping he'd be gone. Went to pay and he was right in front of me. As I got near (he was facing me) it was clear he was just going to ignore me. So as I passed I grabbed his arm, smiled and said 'hi' in a breezy manner. He turned his head slightly and very off handedly said 'Oh hi'. That was it. And I could cry. I did. Have chatted to my friends who have been great and supportive.

Just hate that I could have been someone he hardly knew. ... not someone who had been intimate with him. Just a horrible feeling.

I've dated since. Met someone lovely in fact but kept thinking of this ex boyfriend so ended it. Silly me.

One funny thing. .. In my drunken texts I told him to buy another shirt for going out (he had the same one every time) and he was wearing the same shirt. Other than that - all feels pretty shit. I'm probably having a slight pitty party because I've been ill, stuck indoors and a feel a little bit down. :-(

Why can't you let him go. The relationship obviously wasn't what you thought it was in your head. Have you had previous relationships that ended similarly. How is your relationship with your father?

wildwest I was the same. I had my number blocked after I drunk text, and the only way to get in touch was by e-mail. For a month I e-mailed every week or so. Then this weekend I got a reply and I actually felt worse! I thought hearing from him, and he was a dick in his message and sounded like he was out for an argument, would make me feel better and it didn't.

In my head over the past couple of months I've built up this image my ex was this amazing saint who could do no wrong, and everything was my fault as to why we split. I haven't seen him, but no doubt I will one day...and when I do I'll smile and say hello and be as polite as I possibly can. He's none of those things, he's cruel and argumentative and will do anything to prove a point. No idea if he's with anyone else and I don't want to know either.

And for those who's saying to date again, that's my idea of hell! I thought I was ok, went on a date and left after an hour as I knew it wasn't right. When you're ready to move on you'll know and it'll always be when you least expect it.

Sometimes in life, you just have to shut the door and move on and this seems like one of these times.

It is upsetting, it is difficult, but it's over. Look forwards, not backwards, give space for good people and things to come into your life.

I do feel for you and am sympathetic, but I do think you need to be told straight that there is no mileage in this. He has moved on whether you like it or not, you are not going to get back together. In his head you were a fling. I know that hurts but you were, and your obsessing over him is not helping you. You need to draw a line under this, however you do it, because it's not going to happen and you're tormenting yourself to no end. Life is too short for that and it may prevent you finding future happiness.

You may not be ready to date again yet but you have to do whatever you have to do to distract yourself from this. Throw yourself into something like volunteering (something you hold close to your heart), go out with friends etc, just anything to distract yourself. You have literally got to reprogramme your brain to stop thinking about this man. You need to make a conscious decision to stop thinking about him whenever he comes into your head (however you do that).

If it helps, I was like this after my first serious boyfriend split with me after three years. Now I barely think of him. I recently heard he'd married and had a little boy and was genuinely happy for them. I can see now we were not right for each other. It is possible.

Sending you a hug!

Oh I know it's over. And I don't want to keep looking back. I've actually decided to have man free year. I've dated some idiots and I've dated a couple of really good guys since my marriage break up five years ago. I was just saying it was upsetting to see him and have that reaction but having re-read my original post - I can see I didn't word any of it right. I certainly haven't been obsessing over him for a year but he does pop into my head most days. We had such a really fun time together and maybe if he hadn't blocked me I shouldn't think of him at all. I did get upset with some of the comments. I know it's a year later. I know it was only three months.

Thanks though to those of you who have been supportive. X

If you see him again, definitely ignore him!

You told him to buy another shirt?!

I ended it with a man last summer and he texted me a list of insults (borne out of his being rejected and hurt I know that) but at the same time, even though my feelings for him were genuine to BEGIN with, I would ignore him if I saw him again because cheery 'HIs' would be inappropriate, and I don't feel like exchanging distant frosty glances either.

It is a weird situation to be in.

Years ago, a man ended it with me after a few months too, and really suddenly with a character assassination. It was very traumatic. The length of time we'd been together didn't make it easier, it made it harder if anything because for me those feelings of intense romantic love were still there. It is a very hard thing to go through

Wow some people are exceptionally harsh to op. Maybe this encounter will help you refocus and move on with life without him always on your mind. Onwards and upwards ;)

Yes, unnecessarily harsh.

OP, I think one's friends should be the people we feel really relaxed around. People who enjoy our company and people who are there for us.

When you split up with somebody like this, the temptation to remain in their life is so strong, people often say they want to be friends but that's only because the thoughts of severing all contact and becoming a total stranger to them after being so close is just too awful to contemplate.

But clearly even being friendly (never mind friends) is a stretch for most people.

I hope that it's like a line now. Probably for ages you've been wondering what would happen if you bumped in to him, and now, as harsh as the realitiy is, you know that it made him awkward and he mumbled 'hi' and then looked away again.

Maybe he was embarrassed to be wearing that shirt!

Ill chime in if you haven't ran for the hills.

I had a nasty break up with my ex and the last time I saw him he was horrible, harsh and just vile in the divorce court after over 30 years of marriage

It was six years later when I next saw him at my grandsons party. I'm in a lovely relationship and certainly wouldn't dream of having him back but I too was stunned when he could barely muster a ' hiya' ...eventually..with a horrible expression on his face.

He's married to the woman he left me for, so why the animosity. There was an empty chair beside me I thought he might have had a sit down and little catch up, maybe shook my fiance's hand( well he did send us a card on our ngagement)

Instead I felt he just wiped his anger and resentment all over me again.

So much so It was on my mind most of the night and I tossed and turned. He'd got what he wanted. Why couldn't we have been like civilised adults for the sake of our lovely family. Instead we sat at the table with our daughter and her family and my son and his wife moved to their table. Lovely! All split down the middle.

At the next birthday party when I knew he was going to be there I stayed away and everyone came to mine afterwards. I wasn't putting myself into that situation again.

So, I do understand how you feel. Just a nice smile and a hi, nice to see you wouldn't hurt .

A man free year is probably a good idea.

Try to accept it was good while it lasted and the fact you had some nice times together, but remind yourself it was a fling and try not to revisit it too often in your mind. You're basically - I think - lamenting what might have been rather than the reality.

my x referred to me as the applicant with a hiss. Frosty!

Years earlier, I also bombarded an x with emails. I felt he deserved it though. I was very angry, he had dumped me with a brutal and erroneous character assassination and I was determined to "have my say". I know I shouldn't have bothered but it's so easy to just dump somebody and never see or hear or think about hem again. I guess I made him feel awkward, slightly awkward. guilty? I don't know. I wanted him to feel ashamed of how he'd used a character assassination to get rid of me quickly.

Anywayy, if I saw him now, 15 years later (not my xh, the bf before him) I would definitely ignore him. It would be the truest reflection of my feelings now, iyswim, no social niceties required. just ..blank. The way that man dumped me contributed hugely to me ended up with a dickhead next. My self-esteem was in the gutter thanks to the character assassination.

Hope you're in a better place now messy hair ;-)

oh yeh! much better, but I really agree with the suggestion to the OP to have a man free year.

If I had given myself time to get over what was a short relationship (although the end of it hurt me badly) I wouldn't have ended up with an abusive man. I cried on our first date!!! and he didn't run for the hills! Can you imagine. He treated me badly and I must have felt I deserved it, because the man I'd been with before (the one I bombarded with emails) binned me the moment he was bored, and to assuage his own guilt he accused me of something so ridiculous (but hurtful) that I won't type it. If I'd prioritised getting over that my whole life could have worked out differently. I don't mean better. I'm happy now. Everything's fine. But the father of my child is an arsehole and that's because I didn't follow the no men for a year rule.

Wildwest -I hope you're feeling a bit better now. Break ups are all different and all unpleasant and your feelings and emotions are all valid, and need to be worked through. Regardless of whether others judge them to be 'right' or 'wrong'.

Probably better to get a big hug off one of your friends/family rather than open yourself up to character assassination and criticism on a thread like this.

you shouldnt have touched him, hes made it obvious he doesnt want any contact. Correct etiquette would have been finding another till. Correct etiquette would have been no weird texting, drunk or not. Drunken texting can mean anything, but im assuming it was pretty full on, or abusive if he blocked you for it, but hes been ignoring you since then, and you still didnt get the message.

Brush yourself down, carry on, but please try and read peoples signals

People are being harsh. It sounds like he was one of those men that are full on, suck you in and then just dump when they're bored. Even the most cynical women can get duped. It's a massive head fuck. Even more so because they tend to cut all contact so you can never square the person you thought you were in a relationship with, with the total bastard that he actually was. Those sort always get under you skin. Doesn't make you a stalker or a nutter to keep thinking about him. Thing it's not your fault but you need to stop romantising him in your head. If he's done it to you he will have done it to loads of women. That's what his friend means when he says he can be a bit of a tit.

It was a bit of a headfuck. He had just come out of a long term marriage so I should have known to avoid ... I did actually say several times I was worried it was too soon. He said 'I can't help that I've met someone I connect with so well so soon'. When I asked why he had never had children he said 'I was waiting for you'. He was massively full on. Then New Years day it was all over abruptly when there was no indication anything was wrong. So it came as a bit of a shock. FYI - my drunken texts weren't epic. Anyway I fully intend to put him out of my mind now.

yupp, that's a type, definitely, what PTAblues and you have just described there.

Just seen bitofanoddones post up thread and it's a bit off. I have a good relationship with my father, he's a good father, and husband as far as i knwo, and this has happened to me, so the "what is your relationship with your father like?" question is so silly. Bitofanoddone is not a therapist! This can and does happen to anybody!

Could it be that this is more an issue with your self esteem, and that seeing him has triggered you?
I had a similar fling years ago and my self-worth hasnt been the same since. I drunk texted him too and also got blocked. When he got engaged i saw a pic of it by a mutual friend. It was like an emotional flashback to the hurt back then. A reminder that he rejected me made me feel like a psycho for falling for him.

Its hard, i totally sympathise x

My dad is one of the best actually. My mum was left on her own with a toddler and pregnant and struggled for a few years before meeting my Dad. He adopted my brother and sister and they were married 10 years before I came along. He's supportive, loving ... If a bit deaf! ! So yep. Weird question. Also - I'm quite a confident person. I know my own self worth... happy in myself. Would rather be on my own than with someone if I felt it wasn't right. It's just this one situation.

Take a year off, get some counselling and concentrate on you and your daughter.

the sad thing is that these types are nice to you while you're with them, so a healthy self-esteem is no protection from getting stung.

It was after I was dumped so suddenly, written out of his life, with a damning character assassination that my self-esteem was badly damaged!

I agree it's a shock to the system. Especially when you've been so close then you don't exen warrant a friendly hello. I'll probably get flamed for this.... but I have drunk text before - not him! But other guys who have just laughed it off and I don't have any issues with them - always a friendly Hello. I didn't say anything worse to him than to them. Maybe it was the shirt comment! He seems to really love that shirt! ;-)

You have no idea if I'm a therapist or not!

I didn't say it with any rancour, just curiousity. Anyway, i have had a lot of therapy and also know a few who have also, throughout my life. My friend who had the worst time when a relationship ended, despite being left by an utter, utter bastard, realised that alot of it stemmed from her father abandoning her family when she was four.

I suspect tone was needed more with my post as there is nothing worse than not getting over someone who has happily sailed into the sunset without you.