my partner spat in my face.

[SeriouslyConfusedNow]

ive posted about this big fuck up of a relationship before. basically, he stayed the night with his friend for work early in the morning, i dont have a problem with that. he came back making my life hell, saying i didnt respond to his fb message saying he loved me even though i only saw it as we were texting anyway. he is on another fucking planet. after two days of rowing i told him to go, he stood on my doorstep and spat right in my face. he thinks i spend the nights alone chatting up men on fb, i deserve better then this surely?

You sound desperate but there is no way that you can stay with this arrogant, abusive swine and retain your self respect and the respect of your children. He will not change, why should he? By allowing him to come into your house you facilitate his behaviour. I don't usually contribute to these threads but in your case there is only one solution and it will be permanent. LTB and stay left! If you don't do that then this will continue to escalate and there is NOTHING anyone but you can do, no other advice anyone can give. Leave him today, lock your doors and put his stuff outside. Call the police about the abuse and take back your life.

OP, I think what anyfucker is saying is that your partner is effectively running your life. He controls you, has you walking on eggs all the time, being obedient. When he sees it's working he goads you. He is in complete control of your life.

I think you know you need to be rid of him, otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking for help. Nothing you do will ever be enough for this man, and as he has promised, he will destroy you. And when he's done that, he'll find someone else to do it all to.

No-one is here to beat up on you. People will give you advice. You won't like all of it, but that doesn't mean it's not good advice.

d'oh, sorry! Hadn't spotted the 2nd and subsequent pages of this thread. I'm a dumb-ass.

I took 2 spits to the face over 2012 - I didn't get myself in front of a solicitor until 2014 - having pride and not taking that shit is admirable and the right thing to do for any woman, but when your self worth is in the toilet after years of abuse, it's hard to see that you didn't in some way deserve it and only human to keep that vested hope in this person that things will get better and be good one day.

But posting here OP is the right thing to do, it shows you are already on the right path, good for you - I didn't post my experiences back then but I was doing a lot of reading of the relationship boards here and it really helped me.

The Freedom Programme and some good legal advice to start with is what you need op - your local council should have information on 1 stop shops in your area which are for domestic abuse victims to talk freely to solicitors, victim support and the police - there's lots of support out there to help you build a plan and remove him from yours and your DC lives permanently. Good luck

Please don't be harsh on me, I know how it looks from the other side...I used to read threads on here and I'd feel like screaming at the screen, "get rid, what the hell is wrong with you". I used to be such a strong person. I saw my own mum being abused as a child, my stepdad would beat us but worse than that, he hated me and would mentally abuse me. It started when I was about 10, I couldn't do anything right...every time I walked past him he'd call me a slag. When my grandad died he told me to "shut the fuck up crying". He used to tell me if I ever answered him back he'd stab our puppy and he'd break my budgies head off...sounds so silly I know but I was a child and I was frightened. I've been alone all my life, my parents were too busy getting drunk and fighting to notice me, I was left alone every night in our flat. Dinner was a microwave meal and I put myself to bed when the video said 20:30. I wasn't allowed a Christmas tree, I don't know why, my stepdad just wouldn't allow it. Christmas Day was spent in the pub watching my mum take her jewellery off, always a bad sign...it meant she knew she was in for a beating.

So this is why I don't see much of my mum, my stepdad makes it so difficult, he still gives me abuse when he sees me just because he can. I suppose in a way, (some twisted way) my partner made me feel safe....I've felt bullied and frightened my whole life and with him I knew no one could hurt me anymore...ironic, as he was hurting me in a different way.

I've had to tell my son we've split up as my partner kept texting him, he said to be honest the little one had clocked it anyway, she said his bag was gone. I just hope to god he doesn't leave again.

I'm so scared, I really don't have any support network at all, I've had a new modem and it didn't work for two days so I couldn't even chat on here. I can't get it to work on my laptop so I'm using the little ones iPad...when she wakes up she will take it back off me. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing here but without support, I'm screwed.

Go to the gp and ask for support.

Just because you are not beaten like your mother doesn't mean you are not in an abusive relationship.

A grade 5 bastard is not better than a grade 10 bastard.

You are alone and isolated wether with or without this guy. At least without you are not being abused and your DC exposed to it.

I'm scared to tell anyone official what's been happening. When we were first together his ex wouldn't leave us alone (it's possible, thinking about it now that he twisted her mind up) but anyway, she was hell bent on revenge. She always thought he cheated on her with me (he didn't, but whether he rubbed our relationship in her face I don't know). She called social services on me amongst other things, obviously they came here and found nothing wrong but I don't want to make anyone think there's a problem.

Why don't you start with WA, if you haven't yet?
There is also good support in their message boards.

I'm pretty sure that a man like this damages everyone he comes into contact with. If he treated his ex badly, it wouldn't stop her being jealous. Social Services are mainly concerned with keeping people from harm. You and the DCs. .. your whole family ... is being harmed by him. Please don't rule out anything if it means keeping him permanently out of your family,

Asking for help to get rid of an abuser is a good thing, social services won't be concerned.

Covering up abuse and exposing your children to it will. One day one of your kids will tell a friend, as they are quite entitled to. Then what happens?

Right now you are like your mum taking off her jewellery, resigned to abuse. And your children are learning, as you did, that on some level abuse can be accepted. So they are at risk of becoming abused or abusers themselves.

Women's aid will support you, please contact them.

The thing is, there is a problem! and your children are being harmed.

I don't think you need social services involvement to stop the harm but I do think you need professional support.

Calling women's aid will not trigger social services unless you tell them something that they are obliged to share. It will help you plan and figure out how to keep him away.

First thing to do is to delet his number from your kids phones and block him if possible, if not, get them new SIM cards.

Secondly, change your locks if he has a key.

Thirdly, get all his stuff together and take it somewhere he can collect it from.

Fourthly text him telling him wher his stuff is and warning him that you do not want any further contact from him.

Fifth ly delet and block him from your phone, if not possible, change your number also. Delete and block from Facebook and every other social media.

You can do this.

Then focus on getting yourself well and getting out to meet people! Volunteer at school, join the WI, get a job in a cafe, lots of options.

FFS, why are you putting up with this shit? Just tell him to piss off.

"I don't want to make anyone think there's a problem"

But there is! As I said previously; he's a nasty abusive fuckwit. That is a problem, especially where kids are concerned. You need support; SS can help with that. You aren't in any trouble, they will help.

Is anyone up? I feel so alone.

I guess not then, I just try to chat or something when I'm feeling stressed because I have epilepsy and stress brings on a seizure, which I obviously don't want.

You may feel alone, but you aren't. There are women all over the world who are going through the same as you. Each one feels the same as you. But even if you are alone, think, is that so very bad right now? Isn't it better to be alone than to be spat upon or abused? Being alone isn't the worse thing in the world by a long shot.

I was so afraid of being alone that I stayed in an abusive marriage far too long. I finally had enough and kicked him out. You know what? I loved the peace of being alone. The quiet of my home without him there, shouting and calling me names. The peace of being able to cook what I wanted, or clean later rather than being afraid he'd come home to find a mess. Being alone meant I could watch what I wanted or listen to the music I liked.

And once I learned to be alone and enjoy it, I met someone. Someone who loved me for me (warts and all). Someone I wanted to be with, not needed to be with. And we're still together almost 30 years and 2 children later.

You've obviously had a traumatic childhood and adulthood. You need to seek counseling to put things in the right perspective and to heal and become stronger. Call WA. They'll have referrals for you.

Please don't let him back in. Alone really is better.

I hope you've managed to get a little more sleep. It's bedtime where I am now, so I'll wish you a better day. Please think about what posters have told you. It's all the same message, just in different words.

You deserve better.

Tis bedtime here too but I can't sleep, thankyou for messaging me, I will be fine, I'll keep talking rubbish until people get sick of me...it helps so much rabbling on.

Not really feeling much better today. The kids are acting up which isn't helping. My mum says that's because of my behaviour (ie being sad). Nice to know I'm being supported (not). How can anyone be so alone in life? I don't know, perhaps I've always come across as so strong no one believes I really need help now. It has been said to me before. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing choosing a life of being alone again over being abused.

I really feel for you right now OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing to get this sorry sack of shit out of your lives, and your DCs lives.

When you have spent your whole childhood being abused and witnessing abuse, it is hardly surprising that you don't believe you deserve more than this. After all we teach our children by example. If all you have ever seen of adult relationships is a man smacking a woman around and shouting filthy abuse at the children, you grow up feeling like that's just how things are - even if you know in your head that it's wrong.

Your mother absolutely failed you as a child - yes she was a victim too but her primary responsibility as a mother was to protect you, and she failed to do this. So it is not surprising that she is not supportive now.

Your kids probably are picking up on your mood but that doesn't mean it's your fault for being sad. Are they now all aware of what's going on? any disruption in household routine can cause kids to play up - that's just how they roll. It doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing - far from it.

SCN - what pocketsaviour said!

You may be sad, you may be 'alone' but that doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing. Sometimes you can't make omelettes without breaking eggs. You need to go through this to get to the peaceful, happier other side.

You are doing the right thing. I'm sorry you feel alone, but that doesn't mean that if you go back, you will feel better. You will still feel alone, just with him. And the abuse. And all the other vile reasons you left.

You will be happy again, really you will. Your dc will feel better when they are settled and the landscape of their lives is settled again. they will thank you, eventually - maybe not right now, but they will, once they work out what their alternative lives would be like!

Thankyou, I'm going to the shop in a minute, I need to get dog food. I've cleaned my house up, not that it was ever that bad but it's done, washing is on etc. that's going to be hard, I'll be counting my steps again, anxiety kicks in badly when I'm stressed. Pathetic.

You ARE doing the right thing. And yes it's far better to be alone (and happy) than being with someone (and abused).

Children act up. It's just what they do. Tomorrow they'll be angels again. Don't put to much into thinking it's because you're sad. Things are going to be a bit topsy-turvy for awhile but that's HIS fault, because he's a bastard. Not your fault because you've realized it!

And no one is saying you'll be alone forever. You'll grow and change during this. You'll make new friends or reconnect with old ones. You'll learn to laugh again. And when the time is right, you'll love again.

I couldn't just read this and run as for a min I worried that you are now in a relationship with my ex from some of the things u have posted he says and I've read the whole thread...OP I feel so awful for you I too have walked that mile and whatever anyone says its not as easy as just leave him hes obv an idiot when u have been trained to believe that really its u that deserves no better....
In abusive relationships however downtrodden u are there is still normally a breaking point a line that shouldnt be crossed ( although this line is far far past the healthy relationship dealbreaker line ) mine was trekking the streets with my 3 month old daughter in her pram too scared to go home and panicking I had no nappies as I had left in such a rush and it was about 9pm at night..I had nowhere to go but needed to get myself and her away from him....

That was my dealbreaker HE had made me take my daughter out at that time of night without the stuff she needed..HE was impacting on my care of her....
I'm saying this as what u said about ur son reminded me in some way of this I'm not saying ur a bad parent or putting him first at all but when his behaviour starts affecting the way you care for your children ( ie 1 moved out ) please make this your dealbreaker, luckily my daughter will never remember any of this but ur son will...have him remember it as I'm proud of my mum for standing up for herself and us
in addition spitting is classed as assault and as said before tbh I think in many ways worse id report him for that if nothing else...whats the worst he could do he is making your life a living hell already and the police could stop this....
really hope your ok....