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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my partner spat in my face.

105 replies

SeriouslyConfusedNow · 03/02/2015 22:49

ive posted about this big fuck up of a relationship before. basically, he stayed the night with his friend for work early in the morning, i dont have a problem with that. he came back making my life hell, saying i didnt respond to his fb message saying he loved me even though i only saw it as we were texting anyway. he is on another fucking planet. after two days of rowing i told him to go, he stood on my doorstep and spat right in my face. he thinks i spend the nights alone chatting up men on fb, i deserve better then this surely?

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 04/02/2015 07:07

Your feisty op but why don't you show that anger to the twat who deserves it?

The reason he keeps bothering you is because he knows you will let him back. We get treated the way we allow ourselves too, you need end it with this man but up to you when.

Whocansay · 04/02/2015 07:26

OP, why are you 'laughing this off' to your kids and trying to pretend it's normal? It's a very long way from normal and pretending otherwise is damaging to them.

You have to get outside involvement and make sure this man stays away from your family. Go to the police and report the assault. Because that's what it was.

magoria · 04/02/2015 08:05

To answer your OP this is not right

You have two choices.

Rip off the plaster and deal with the stronger quicker pain.

Slowly pull it off letting the lesser pain hurt for a very long time.

Only you can do this.

Original poster
SeriouslyConfusedNow · 04/02/2015 09:17

I am truly sorry for being an arse to anyone last night, it's not really me. I was hurting badly and I took it out on here. When I say I laugh it off to the kids, I don't mean they know about the things he does to me, they don't. When he disappears off I just say something like "oh we were aggravating each other so he's gone home for a few days to cool off". I make light of it because I know he will probably end up forcing me to have him back through threats, manipulation etc. whoever said I'm all over the place is right. I just don't understand what I do so wrong. I'm a good partner I think. I love my kids, I look after them. My house is spotless, ok I don't have a lot of money to buy nice furniture but the place looks fine. I don't have a job at the moment, I was made redundant five years ago after working all my adult life and then I became so ill with depression and anxiety that I couldn't work at all. I'm looking for something again now but he laughs at me and says I'm too lazy to ever work....that's one of the worst things he could ever say. I'm far from lazy, I'm exhausted. He's like a third child but more demanding...I never get a break when he's here. He won't let me sit down for more than half an hour, go and make a brew, go and make a sandwich, get me a blanket, put my phone on charge. Up and down I go all night...the daytime when the kids are at school is the only time I get to relax and he phones me constantly...if I'm not finding something to keep me busy I know he will be giving me shit when he gets back....but there's only so much cleaning a person can do! I look a mess...there's dark circles under my eyes I'm so tired, mentally and physically but if I stop I'm lazy. He doesn't think I should ever need a break, some me time, anything.

I just don't understand. I do everything he asks, I look after my kids, I look after him. What am I doing so wrong to be treated like this?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 09:29

The only thing you're doing wrong is that you're not reaching out for help to make him stop abusing you and leave you alone. It's not easy to get out of an abusive relationship. It's even more difficult when your confidence has been crushed and you feel anxious, depressed and insecure. Abusive men can be persistent, intimidating, and manipulative. This is when you need to get the big guns on your side..... Police, Womens Aid, Social Services, GP, solicitor..... rather than keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

kyotokate · 04/02/2015 09:29

Why Domestic Abuse Vuictims Stay

PatriciaHolm · 04/02/2015 09:30

"What am I doing so wrong to be treated like this?"

Nothing. That's the whole point. He's a nasty abusive fuckwit, that's the issue. You could be the perfect Stepford Wife and he would still abuse you, because he ENJOYS it. Change the locks and your phone number.

kyotokate · 04/02/2015 09:30

*Victims

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 04/02/2015 09:42

You aren't doing anything to deserve this.

You are not the problem.

He will never change. This is who he is. Is that what you want? Is that what you want your children to think a relationship looks like?

Original poster
SeriouslyConfusedNow · 04/02/2015 09:47

I'm really scared. I had no life before I met him. I'd been a single mum for 13 years. I'd been completely single for three years. I don't have family or friends really. I sat in this house day and night, week after week. My mum lives a street away but she never pops in, my one friend is so busy I never see her. How can anyone live with no adult company at all? It's not a life, it's existing.

He knows this and uses it to his advantage, so how can he also be convinced I'm a dirty slag who jumps on the cable man? Pathetic.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 10:15

What you have to understand is that everything he says to you is said with the motive of keeping you firmly under control. If that means being nice to you, he's nice. If it means he accuses you of sleeping with the local cricket team, he'll do that. If it means spitting in your face, making threats, manipulating your children...... People like this say and do whatever it takes to keep you down and them in charge. He's not 'convinced' you jump on the cable man in the slightest, but it gets you anxious, upset & on the defensive and ... ker-ching .... job done.

Being lonely and friendless is rubbish. You can make some really crappy choices of boyfriends when the alternative is sitting home every night watching Corrie. But your DCs are older now and this is the time you can start to get back out there, making friends, meeting new people and doing the things you've put on the back burner since bringing up your family. But not while he's part of the picture.

Come on... you want to do this. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Police DV unit 101.

tribpot · 04/02/2015 10:22

What you have now is no life. You can't fix this because it isn't you who is broken. Get him out of your life.

Lweji · 04/02/2015 10:26

I just don't understand. I do everything he asks, I look after my kids, I look after him. What am I doing so wrong to be treated like this?
The only wrong thing here, as others have pointed out, is that he is an abuser. You do everything he asks and look after him. A good man would appreciate it and would be thankful for all you do. But he is an abuser. He takes advantage of that. Of your caring nature.

He has somewhere to go and your children are more grown up than before.
If you stop being under his influence you can get your life back. You don't have to stay at home with no company.

Honestly, I appreciate more the company of my 10 year old boy than the supposed company my exH gave.

You can still be happy, but you won't be with him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/02/2015 10:32

You can build a life with friends and activities and work and your children and all of these things when you get rid of this man. At the moment, all your energy is going towards appeasing him - when you break free, all that energy can go towards living. Properly living.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/02/2015 10:33

He's nasty and manipulative because he wants to be, not because you're doing anything to deserve it.

You know he's not good for you or your kids but you're scared to leave, and that's understandable: you've had your confidence ground down, you feel lonely and crave companionship... that just means you're human.

However, you do need to take action to change things for the better, and that action can only come from you.

You can do it, and help is out there, if you reach out for it, such as the police and Women's Aid, for starters.

You deserve better, and picking up the phone to make those calls will be you going for the life you deserve.

BuzzardBird · 04/02/2015 10:39

How low does he have to go Confused until you do something about it?

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 04/02/2015 10:47

Please call Women's Aid.

Nothing can get better til you start to break away. He has already started coming between you and your son. You could end up distant from your kids if he stays in your life. You won't make friends with him around. He wouldn't allow it, would he.

Your loneliness and isolation suits him.

BuzzardBird · 04/02/2015 10:50

I strongly suspect that the 'isolation' from your Mum and friend would no longer be there if he wasn't on the scene.

Quitelikely · 04/02/2015 10:52

Have you got a future career plan? Can you go back to college part time to retrain in something?

You need something to look forward to.

I agree it's hard to meet new friends but there are ways and means.

Meeting friends in the workplace?

Unfortunately this man is never going to be who you want him to be. If you read these boards then you will know alot about abusive men.

You love your kids? You need to start loving yourself. You cannot, cannot shield kids from an abusive relationship when you are living in one. The dynamics of it are complicated but it's all going in. I know raising kids alone can sometimes feel like a thankless task but you don't want your dd seeing this relationship as the norm and remodelling it herself when she's older.

The hardest part is realising your life is never going to change if you don't take the steps to do it by yourself. It's got to be you who turns it around.

You can easily call the police if he comes to your house. If he keeps coming just keep calling.

He will eventually move into his next victim.

He does not love you, he uses you for sex, food and accommodation. He also abuses you. You have the power to stop him. The authorities are there to help.

MadameOvary · 04/02/2015 11:03

I've walked the mile too.
Abusers are all the same. It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, an abuser will still abuse. Kick him out and he will find someone else to shit all over.
You are not wanted for who you are, but what you can give. You are there solely to reinforce his reality, which is that he can can assert, dominate and control your life.
Has Lundy Bancroft been mentioned yet? A book called "Why Does He Do That?". It gives a very clear and eye-opening account of the abuser mindset.

Want to know why MN is full is ballsy posters who all appear to be giving you a hard time? Because most of them have been there, have seen how coming out the other side of Domestic Abuse changes you and your whole life for the better, improves your Twat-Radar and teaches you the importance of keeping such toxic arseholes away from your children, and yourself.

Eekaman · 04/02/2015 11:50

Indeed you do.

You'll be stronger and better without him xxx Good luck, you'll be fine.

beautyfades · 04/02/2015 19:39

Aw I really hope you fuk him off. I feel so sorry for you actually. Please make you're kids happy an get rid.

BMW6 · 04/02/2015 20:00

He won't change you know - this is how it will be with him forever.

It's your choice - stay with this awful prick or kick his ass out of your AND YOUR KIDS lives.

Yes, you may be single for years afterwards - or even for the rest of your life.
Better to be single than with this piss-poor excuse for a human being.

Where's your pride FFS Angry?

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2015 04:07

Yes it is hard to leave an abusive relationship - Ive been there - but you've posted a couple of times before, haven't you? & yet you keep backtracking. Even in the face of all the good advice you've been given on MN. Not even the fact that your DS left home because of this man, your DM doesn't visit (she probably can't stand this man and the fact you won't leave) can sway you. You even speak as if its impossible for you to have friends, work, retrain etc..errmm...all for the sake of 1 man? You weren't born with him. You existed without him and you can again. You aren't living in a back of beyond, remote country.

I don't know what the answer is - but its not coming here to vent every so often then going back to an abuser who is messing up yours and your DCs lives. The man has spat in your face - how filthy is that...could you let him touch you, after that?

You will lose your children - they won't stay young forever and will run a mile away from you and this loser as soon as they can. Then all you'll have is him, and your bitter regrets over the years you've absolutely wasted on this man, when you could have long ago said "no more" and done all in your power to remove him from your life.

You said he won't give you a break for a minute, when he's at home. The man sounds like a bloody pest. What makes you think you can't survive without his company?! What exactly do you need a bully in your home for? If you want company there are loads of groups and meetups you can join. I simply can't fathom why this pig has become your world.

What about your son, and how he feels, what he is hearing and witnessing? The resentment that must be building up inside him? Does that count for anything? Its actually upsetting to read.

I hope this time you actually heed advice and call Womens Aid.

RubbishMantra · 05/02/2015 06:34

Absolutely what Mistress said. ^^