Please bear with me, this is likely to be long and not sure where to begin. Have thought about posting many times over the past couple of years but never felt brave enough.
DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got together we both lived quite the party lifestyle, except alternate weekends when we looked after his DS. Decided to get married, 1 month later I found out I was pg with DD, had already begun to tone down lifestyle unlike DH. He is a musician and it always went with the territory. To cut a long story short, throughout previous pregnancy he was frequently absent, brought friends back to our flat for all night parties, drank, took drugs, booked numerous gigs and tours for around due date etc. 3 days after DDs due date he disappeared with my bank card (does not have his own bank acc, all our income goes into my account and we manage with one card) to a party, pretty much cleaned out funds, called me the next day (on the day my mum was due to arrive to help) in tears saying he'd done a load of acid and didn't know where he was and asked me to meet him in a taxi and take him home to bed. I obliged even though it meant leaving DM in a shop, lying to say I needed to collect something, back in half an hour, then running to his whereabouts and taking him home then running (literally running!) back to DM.
After much conversation and soul searching I forgave him and DD born 2 days later. Resentment has always remained about this and he has continued to party ("work/rehearse" as he would have it) ever since. Like I said, I find it hard to hold him accountable for this behaviour a lot of the time as a) he is a musician and producer and it apparently goes with the territory and b) the times I have brought it up have ended up in vile abusive arguments.
Early summer last year he lost his business premises through sheer bad luck, this happened about a month after I found out I was pg again. Found new premises but much more costly, at the same time we had just decided we needed more space than our one bedroom shoebox provided, couldn't afford to size up in area and have moved in with his parents to save.
We have saved approx. BUGGER ALL, a lot of 'his' money gets spent on partying then my wages subsidise the shortfall on his business rent. It is very apparent he has dependency issues, in the 7 months we have been living here he has probably been at home at the weekend a handful of times. He always starts off saying he has a booking on a Friday night, will be back the next day. Monday evening rolls around and after little (often no) contact he shows up. On numerous occasions he has arranged to have DSS dropped off knowing full well he will be spending the weekend partying. I and his parents are sick if lying to his son and increasingly to our DD who is now way more aware when he is absent.
In January, he has spent at least £600 on going out, when questioned about this he gets defensive and shuts down the conversation, threatens to stay 'at work' longer or at worst just hurls abuse, last time he threatened to kick me out to stay with my DM (he knows she can't accommodate heavily pregnant me and DD as thanks to bedroom tax she had to give up her home last year and now lives in the middle of nowhere in another relatives house).
I am at the end of my tether. My hopes of saving up to move somewhere by the time DS came along are laughably far off the mark (unless miracles happen in the next few days). I have no savings and would be reliant on housing benefit which rules out most rentals, the only option for me is emergency accommodation or shutting up and staying put under DMIL and DFIL's roof (they are lovely and understand what he's like so wouldn't kick me out themselves).
I'm due later this week, he has returned home today after another weekend of no contact, started throwing his weight around and point scoring over whether DD needed a bath tonight and within seconds called me a fucking bitch for (albeit not the nicest thing to say) sarcastically suggesting he knows best since he's the one waltzing in and out of DDs life while I know the daily routine. Apparently this comment also warrants being screamed at to shut the fuck up, in front of DD.
Then later when in tried to explain to him that we need him around, he is loved and wanted but that the truth still stands that he chooses when to be a dad and when to live a young free and single drug fuelled lifestyle, I was told not to fucking talk to him and that as soon as the kids were grown up I'd be left with nothing and I'd be a bitter old woman.
Reading this back I feel pathetic. So many toxic relationship alarm bells. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and isn't ready for fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. Or am I just being mental and hormonal? If that's the case please don't flame me as I already feel this close to a break down.