39 weeks pg, DH despises me, life is a mess.

[babiesbelikewhat]

Please bear with me, this is likely to be long and not sure where to begin. Have thought about posting many times over the past couple of years but never felt brave enough.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got together we both lived quite the party lifestyle, except alternate weekends when we looked after his DS. Decided to get married, 1 month later I found out I was pg with DD, had already begun to tone down lifestyle unlike DH. He is a musician and it always went with the territory. To cut a long story short, throughout previous pregnancy he was frequently absent, brought friends back to our flat for all night parties, drank, took drugs, booked numerous gigs and tours for around due date etc. 3 days after DDs due date he disappeared with my bank card (does not have his own bank acc, all our income goes into my account and we manage with one card) to a party, pretty much cleaned out funds, called me the next day (on the day my mum was due to arrive to help) in tears saying he'd done a load of acid and didn't know where he was and asked me to meet him in a taxi and take him home to bed. I obliged even though it meant leaving DM in a shop, lying to say I needed to collect something, back in half an hour, then running to his whereabouts and taking him home then running (literally running!) back to DM.

After much conversation and soul searching I forgave him and DD born 2 days later. Resentment has always remained about this and he has continued to party ("work/rehearse" as he would have it) ever since. Like I said, I find it hard to hold him accountable for this behaviour a lot of the time as a) he is a musician and producer and it apparently goes with the territory and b) the times I have brought it up have ended up in vile abusive arguments.

Early summer last year he lost his business premises through sheer bad luck, this happened about a month after I found out I was pg again. Found new premises but much more costly, at the same time we had just decided we needed more space than our one bedroom shoebox provided, couldn't afford to size up in area and have moved in with his parents to save.

We have saved approx. BUGGER ALL, a lot of 'his' money gets spent on partying then my wages subsidise the shortfall on his business rent. It is very apparent he has dependency issues, in the 7 months we have been living here he has probably been at home at the weekend a handful of times. He always starts off saying he has a booking on a Friday night, will be back the next day. Monday evening rolls around and after little (often no) contact he shows up. On numerous occasions he has arranged to have DSS dropped off knowing full well he will be spending the weekend partying. I and his parents are sick if lying to his son and increasingly to our DD who is now way more aware when he is absent.

In January, he has spent at least £600 on going out, when questioned about this he gets defensive and shuts down the conversation, threatens to stay 'at work' longer or at worst just hurls abuse, last time he threatened to kick me out to stay with my DM (he knows she can't accommodate heavily pregnant me and DD as thanks to bedroom tax she had to give up her home last year and now lives in the middle of nowhere in another relatives house).

I am at the end of my tether. My hopes of saving up to move somewhere by the time DS came along are laughably far off the mark (unless miracles happen in the next few days). I have no savings and would be reliant on housing benefit which rules out most rentals, the only option for me is emergency accommodation or shutting up and staying put under DMIL and DFIL's roof (they are lovely and understand what he's like so wouldn't kick me out themselves).

I'm due later this week, he has returned home today after another weekend of no contact, started throwing his weight around and point scoring over whether DD needed a bath tonight and within seconds called me a fucking bitch for (albeit not the nicest thing to say) sarcastically suggesting he knows best since he's the one waltzing in and out of DDs life while I know the daily routine. Apparently this comment also warrants being screamed at to shut the fuck up, in front of DD.

Then later when in tried to explain to him that we need him around, he is loved and wanted but that the truth still stands that he chooses when to be a dad and when to live a young free and single drug fuelled lifestyle, I was told not to fucking talk to him and that as soon as the kids were grown up I'd be left with nothing and I'd be a bitter old woman.

Reading this back I feel pathetic. So many toxic relationship alarm bells. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and isn't ready for fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. Or am I just being mental and hormonal? If that's the case please don't flame me as I already feel this close to a break down.

My brother was a musician. My DS1 is a musician. Neither of them ever, ever acted like your bastard of a spouse.

He is bringing absolutely NOTHING positive to your life, and is bringing a multitude of negatives to your life. You would be better off alone in that 'dreaded emergency housing'. At least you'd have peace of mind.

Can you move back to your parents? Can you move in with his (I'm not clear if you're living with them or not) as it appears they know how worthless he is.

Tomorrow, get to the bank or online and STOP any access he has to your banking. If he loses his business premises or his whole fucking business, that's too damn bad. He needs to grow up and there is nothing you can do to convince him of that.

OP, I'm so sad reading your situation. You're in a vulnerable state and you've been abused for a long time.

But you do need to find the courage to stand up not only for yourself, but for your children.

Because your husband is not just a bad guy (yes, he's definitely that) but from everything you've written, it sounds like he is also an addict.

Addicts will do anything, absolutely anything, to feed their disease. No amount of appealing to his logic or reason will make any difference. Addicts are also extremely manipulative, as evidenced by the fact that he's been manipulating both you and his parents for years now.

If you stay with him, your life will not get better. It will only get worse.

Growing up without a father, in my opinion, is far better than growing up with an addicted, abusive father.

You and your children have nothing to lose by leaving him, and everything to gain. Good luck.

babiesbelikewhat I know you have so much going on, and lots of excellent advice to think about but I'm going to ask again;

How sure are you that this party life style, disappearing for whole weekends, and out of his tree on acid and probably anything else going doesn't include an OW or ONS?

I know it's an awful question, and probably something you don't want to think about, but you might need to because you need to safe guard yours and your baby's health.

Sorry you're having to deal with any of this when you should just be getting ready to give birth

He's an addict love. That kind of behaviour isn't normal in your 30's whatever industry you're in. Nothing you do can change him. Only he can do that and he's clearly nowhere near admitting he needs help.

You do need to protect yourself and your children. Do you have any good friends or family members who could help you? If not, I agree with the poster above, turn to social services, your midwife, GP....anyone. Actually I'd go as far as to say you have a duty to do that. He loves partying more than he loves his family. Selfish so and so. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

Where are you in the UK? Al-Anon might also be a place for you to get support but I'm guessing they're only well-represented in the big cities.

OP, I was married to a man exactly like this. Reading your posts have brought back so many memories of the horrible life I had when I was with him, even down to the money stuff. It could almost be the same man.

He, too, was a musician, with serious substance abuse issues, which I tolerated for far too long because I believed this was all part and parcel of 'him' - we had had a party lifestyle when we first met too, but he never ever stopped it. Would disappear for days on end, come back angry, drunk, high and abusive. Would scream and shout at me if I dared to suggest this wasn't the way a husband and father should behave, ignored the dc, etc etc. When our first dc was three days old he fucked off in the middle of the night and didn't come back for two days; when he did return he took another day to sleep the whisky off...

Money dripped through his hands like water - I worked twelve hour shifts while heavily pregnant just to keep our heads above water, and he spent it (from my account too, OP!), hundreds and hundreds of pounds a month on booze and drugs and partying.

I thought it was my fault. I thought I was dull and boring - well, he told me I was enough times. He told me he 'needed time out' from family and responsibilities. I thought I was asking too much of him.

When things started to get physical, I left, went to stay with family, never looked back. It wasn't me, I wasnt dull, or a boring bitch, or stifling him. He was, and remains, a total fuck-up. He's been in rehab - that was fun - not that it made a drop of difference. He's still partying, still pouring money into coke and beer and God knows what. He's over forty now.

My life is lovely. I live with dcs and my partner, who adores me and dcs. I have a job and money and friends and a little home that we love. He lives in a rented room in a shared house, and has nothing except booze and a bunch of screwed up drinking buddies. I pity him, tbh, but I feel nothing else for him.

I wasted years trying to make this man a decent husband and father. It was impossible - he just doesn't have it in him. I thought it was me, I thought he would change. It wasn't. He wouldn't. Please leave. You can have a lovely life without him - it may be tough to start with but honestly, it will be better than this. He will never be the man you need him to be, he's incapable of it.

The only person who change his behaviour is him.

He won't do it for his parents, for you or his kids - because addiction doesn't work like that. There is no "saving " a person from themselves, you simply go down with them.

It sounds like you still have plenty of fight left in you, do you still want to be living like this in a year, five years?

If only to offload in real life, there should be a drug treatment service in your area which has a friends a family group. These can provide fantastic support and you can see what worked and what didn't from people facing similar situations.

Good luck for your upcoming arrival and I hope you enjoy all those squishy newborn cuddles.

He is a loser leach.

He had a kid before you. He partied hard all the time apart from a few days he had his kid. How money does he give for this kid?

You had a kid. His life hasn't changed and he just took took took from you.

You now have a third.

Nothing is going to make this man grow up.

If he wants to be a loser druggie musician let him.

Don't waste your time,money emotions or precious DC on him.

You should despise him not the other way around.

I hope you're OK this morning OP. Realise you feel hamstrung by your circumstances, not least the financial ones, and that you're unlikely to make any massive changes in your life when you're about to give birth. However, please find a birth partner. Not your husband, obviously, but see if you can nominate a good friend for the role. I say this for a few reasons. First, I think you need real life help with your delivery and you don't sound like you have it at the moment. Second, I think you have to 'cross a mental bridge' (as my friend puts it), acknowledge that your husband cannot be relied upon and set the scene for a future life in which he doesn't feature so much. Third, I think you need to develop a bigger support network of friends more generally because you are too enmeshed with him and his family.

I'd also urge you - when you feel ready - to talk to people (solicitor, CAB, Local Housing Authority, etc) about the reality of going solo. It's too easy to make assumptions and get frightened off. Gathering information can give you strength.

You're not pushing him away, either, btw. He is wilfully,knowingly, choosing to detach himself from family life. If you're doing anything it will be that you're building a protective wall around yourself, a psychological defence, because you know how harmful he is and will be for you and your dcs. That is normal and part of the process.

None of this is your fault. Unfortunately you can also do nothing whatsoever to change him. He won't see what he's missing because he quite simply doesn't care. It is unbearably difficult to recast people that we love and had hopes for as 'lost causes', but he is.

Agree with finding a new birth partner. And please talk to your midwife - they will be used to dealing with situations like this and will be able to help.

I wish you the best of luck OP and please take note of what Cog and others have said, they are founts of wisdom and support.

Making the decision to go it alone at this point isn't easy but it's the best thing you'll ever do.

I was wondering if you would consider renting a place for yourself and your DM? If you stop paying this business rental and find a place for yourself and her, might she be a good source of support for you and your new baby, and you for her as well?

If you do one thing today talk to his parents and tell them this cannot go on. Cite the pushchair etc. then tell them you are sorting out your finances and will be asking telling your husband that he must sort his finances out. Then sort out your account. Go in and change your pin at least. Tell him the party is over and expect a huge strop and then he will disappear. GOOD! Do not give in. Protect your babies if not yourself. It sounds as if the inlaws will support you but probably bail him out. Well ok, that's up to them.

As a former midwife if you have to go through labour alone, it's ok. The midwives will be nice, explain a little. Don't defend him. That stops now. Make no excuses for him. Confide in mw and HV as they may be able to help.

Yo won't be able to do very much more until later but please, if nothing else, talk to his parents and change your PIN. If he gets aggressive call the Police on 999.

Very best wishes to you.xx

he always excuses his absence by saying I push him away, I'm cold to him etc - riiiight, because he is such a nice guy, such a warm, pleasant, helpful and hardworking guy that you really want to hug and cuddle! You are the cold one? I'd suggest that if he was at home, helping you, that he would get hugs and warmth. As it is, he is probably not even in the same county, let alone available for hugs.

Matilda is right. Let him strop and leave! Get as much money out as possible (and hide it! ) then change the PIN. When he finds out you've done that he may turn violent, so make sure you are with your PIL as much as possible.

Get through labour as well supported as you can; with friend, DM, MIL if necessary or even alone. It can be done.

THEN - get onto HA, WA, CAB and find out what you are entitled to, go to emergency housing if you must (you will be a prioirity with small dc) and get AWAY from this user.

My DP is a musician and a fab father and partner. He gigs and travels and very occasionally it gets messy....but he never disappears for entire weekends unannounced.

Most of the musicians we know drive to and from most gigs, so only the actual 'tours' have real scope for massive partying...

I could have written this thread. The single only difference is that my ex is not a musician. Right down to having to "rescue" him when he was screwed up on various substances.

I understand you have difficulties leaving so you MUST get him out. I let my situation go on for far too long and actually ended up having a nervous breakdown. Some men are never meant to be husbands and fathers and will never change, they will also do and say anything to continue having life on their terms and forcing you to live the way they want. You feel paralysed now and this is because of years of abuse from him. When you can barely get through the day it's hard to find the impetus to make huge life changing decisions. My ex attacked me and I called the police who were absolutely brilliant and helped me to keep him out. There IS a way out but you re going to need help to do it. Personally I would immediately stop paying his business rent, stop access to your bank account (it was access to money that forced things to a head between me and ex), let him storm out and then KEEP him out. It won't be easy, but it can be done. Fundamentally I did not want a drug using alcoholic around my children and that can be your way to keep him out. Tell everyone what's been going on, parents etc and then let them help you to keep him out.

It's so hard but I can be done. I am living proof of that.

Actually, if you get on fairly well with your mum and can stand the idea, you renting a place with her would be a neat solution to your problems - if she's a decent mum and grandma, would she consider looking after your DC while you work?

It would solve her housing problems and yours in one swoop, and sort your "D"H out - I doubt he'd want to live with your mum!

Also, would she be willing to come down and be your birth partner? Because I can about 99% guarantee that your H isn't going to manage it. But if not, the MWs will help you through, I'm sure.

It also sounds to me like you and his parents are actually supporting him in his ridiculous lifestyle. You've all entered into this little business together, with the "business" being enabling this loser of a man. I recognise that too. I was like it with exes parents. They didn't like it when I stepped out of the business and stopped playing the game so be prepared for a back lash there too.

I can see from your posts that you're not ready to leave him yet. However you have started along the road and you WILL get there. I started by posting here too over and over again under different name changes so people wouldn't get impatient with me.

You're running a very real risk here of SS becoming involved in your family. Drug addicted abusive dad.... It may well come to light to a midwife or health visitor over the next few weeks and of course they will have to make a referral.

Get out now x

I hope the labour and birth go well. Sometimes this time leading up to the birth brings real clarity and I think you will find the strength to leave very soon, and will have a lovely life with your children, away from this.

What came across most from your post is that he has made himself uncontactable and you are afraid to give birth because he will be mad at you for missing it! He has done a right job on you.

I believe this post is your first step to freedom and I just wanted to wish you the very best x x

Small steps are needed. You are after all about to give birth.

Is his name on your account i.e. its properly joint? Can you open another account? If he wont bother to set up his own then i'd open up a new one and have everything of yours transferred over to that one (Wages / mat pay / child benefits etc).

Don't tell him and leave him with the old one and if he says there is £xxx profit this month then transfer half out into your new one, ideally take it out in cash and put it in your new one so he doesn't see the details online. Although he doesn't sound like the kind of person to login.

Let him piss his own money up the wall and not your own (cancel any overdraft on it) the first time he realises i.e. there is no money left. Tell him he has 2 weeks to open up his own account as you are closing this one and do it.

In the mean time, plan for your new baby and start squirreling money away to be able to move out and get on the waiting list for a council house.
You don't need to make drastic changes right now but you do need to take control of the bank account situation and start making plans.

His job's irrelevant, he's a nasty abusive person. What do your friends and family think of him?

My XH went out the night that DS2 was born and got completely and utterly hammered. My much hated MIL had to go to the house to wake him up because I was being discharged and needed him to pick me up. He was still too drunk to drive.

I lived with this sort of shit for years and it never, ever got any better. Really, why should it? What's was there to force him into re-evaluating his life? He had a wife and children at home who provided a home (financially as well as practically) while he could continue his life with drugs, women and socialising.

How are you feeling today, babies?

And I guess this is why I've always been scared to post, in my heart I know it's an out and out LTB situation.

But you've posted now.

Yes, it is, absolutely, there's no need to even go into the whys.

You will be fine. You already ARE fine - you're doing it alone, basically, at the same time as being pregnant AND having to constant, total stress of wondering where he is, what shit he's going to land you in next, financing the big financial fuck up that he is, everything. Worrying about his effect on your children. Not being in control of anything in your life because he is one big stick stirring it up every time you think you're moving forward.

There is nothing to save, because the future here simply has 'he'll walk out one day anyway and go sponge off someone else' written all over it.

If you get out now while your lovely children are tiny they will be fine. Your PIL are helpful and realistic it seems and won't chuck you out - another good point. Can you make arrangements for someone else as a birth partner? A doula? I think you should possibly try and get to the point where you plan a different partner and tell him you don't want him there, but maybe that's just going to add stress. Needless to say, plan a doula if that would be a good option, don't even discuss it with him, then if he happens to be around and at the birth you take it one step at a time.

You can plan after the birth - cutting the financial ties, and seeing if you can get together funds to move out. If not, you could ask PIL if you can stay until you can. Longer term, benefits will help you. It really is doable.

It will be hard. But that isn't a problem, because you know what? It's going to be bliss, BLISS compared to what you are enduring now.

Actually yes, could you and your DM rent somewhere together?

Is she on the housing list?