39 weeks pg, DH despises me, life is a mess.

[babiesbelikewhat]

Please bear with me, this is likely to be long and not sure where to begin. Have thought about posting many times over the past couple of years but never felt brave enough.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got together we both lived quite the party lifestyle, except alternate weekends when we looked after his DS. Decided to get married, 1 month later I found out I was pg with DD, had already begun to tone down lifestyle unlike DH. He is a musician and it always went with the territory. To cut a long story short, throughout previous pregnancy he was frequently absent, brought friends back to our flat for all night parties, drank, took drugs, booked numerous gigs and tours for around due date etc. 3 days after DDs due date he disappeared with my bank card (does not have his own bank acc, all our income goes into my account and we manage with one card) to a party, pretty much cleaned out funds, called me the next day (on the day my mum was due to arrive to help) in tears saying he'd done a load of acid and didn't know where he was and asked me to meet him in a taxi and take him home to bed. I obliged even though it meant leaving DM in a shop, lying to say I needed to collect something, back in half an hour, then running to his whereabouts and taking him home then running (literally running!) back to DM.

After much conversation and soul searching I forgave him and DD born 2 days later. Resentment has always remained about this and he has continued to party ("work/rehearse" as he would have it) ever since. Like I said, I find it hard to hold him accountable for this behaviour a lot of the time as a) he is a musician and producer and it apparently goes with the territory and b) the times I have brought it up have ended up in vile abusive arguments.

Early summer last year he lost his business premises through sheer bad luck, this happened about a month after I found out I was pg again. Found new premises but much more costly, at the same time we had just decided we needed more space than our one bedroom shoebox provided, couldn't afford to size up in area and have moved in with his parents to save.

We have saved approx. BUGGER ALL, a lot of 'his' money gets spent on partying then my wages subsidise the shortfall on his business rent. It is very apparent he has dependency issues, in the 7 months we have been living here he has probably been at home at the weekend a handful of times. He always starts off saying he has a booking on a Friday night, will be back the next day. Monday evening rolls around and after little (often no) contact he shows up. On numerous occasions he has arranged to have DSS dropped off knowing full well he will be spending the weekend partying. I and his parents are sick if lying to his son and increasingly to our DD who is now way more aware when he is absent.

In January, he has spent at least £600 on going out, when questioned about this he gets defensive and shuts down the conversation, threatens to stay 'at work' longer or at worst just hurls abuse, last time he threatened to kick me out to stay with my DM (he knows she can't accommodate heavily pregnant me and DD as thanks to bedroom tax she had to give up her home last year and now lives in the middle of nowhere in another relatives house).

I am at the end of my tether. My hopes of saving up to move somewhere by the time DS came along are laughably far off the mark (unless miracles happen in the next few days). I have no savings and would be reliant on housing benefit which rules out most rentals, the only option for me is emergency accommodation or shutting up and staying put under DMIL and DFIL's roof (they are lovely and understand what he's like so wouldn't kick me out themselves).

I'm due later this week, he has returned home today after another weekend of no contact, started throwing his weight around and point scoring over whether DD needed a bath tonight and within seconds called me a fucking bitch for (albeit not the nicest thing to say) sarcastically suggesting he knows best since he's the one waltzing in and out of DDs life while I know the daily routine. Apparently this comment also warrants being screamed at to shut the fuck up, in front of DD.

Then later when in tried to explain to him that we need him around, he is loved and wanted but that the truth still stands that he chooses when to be a dad and when to live a young free and single drug fuelled lifestyle, I was told not to fucking talk to him and that as soon as the kids were grown up I'd be left with nothing and I'd be a bitter old woman.

Reading this back I feel pathetic. So many toxic relationship alarm bells. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and isn't ready for fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. Or am I just being mental and hormonal? If that's the case please don't flame me as I already feel this close to a break down.

Yes indeed you know it's a LTB one.
No-one is going to encourage you to stay with an abusive partner and a drug addict.
Do contact Womens Aid when you have the strength to and get all the advice you can from CAB, council etc....
Good luck with the birth and I'm hoping you have a lovely life away from abuse towards you and your children.

Thanks everyone, I'm ok just had a completely sleepless night trying to work up the energy to do a big reply once bubba is in bed later. He overslept this morning and left for work an hour or so ago. Not sure when he'll be back and I didn't ask.

Will try and research some options today, see if a friend of mine might step in as birth partner last minute if need be. I do want him there though, ironically he was actually a great birth partner last time in spite of absence in the run up and return to crappy form after.

He might be great when (if) he's there, but do you really think he's worth it in terms of the worry beforehand/during about WHETHER he'll be there? If you ask a friend, you'll know you won't be alone.

This man is nothing but a drug taking lying, good for nothing, waste of space and I'm sorry to say this but you are enabling his behaviour by constantly excusing it.

Can't you see he is never going to be the man you need him to be, he's an terrible role model and an awful person.

Drugs aren't free you know and where on earth is he staying all weekend?

Please open your eyes to the misery that is this man. Yes I know he has got good qualities, most people do including murderers and the likes.

Getting out and in your own two feet is going to be hard. I suggest you contact your local council who will give you emergency accommodation and yes it might be unpleasant for a few weeks until you get your own place but I would rather that than tolerating what you do.

Nobody can change this. Only you. You can change your own future but not his. He is still acting like a 19 year old.

I see you're awake in the night (x-posted with you last night) so use that time to call Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247. The lines are, sadly, busy during the day, so calling at night is best.

They will guide and support you all the way. You're facing a mountain now and they will take the load, giving you top advice and support in all ways - practically, legally, emotionally. Thank God for Womens Aid!

Yes he's an addict and and an addict can look like a sociopath. Whether or not he's a sociopath, he IS an addict. His parents are enabling him and now you are enabling him, caught up in the insane slip stream of an addict on full throttle.

FOG is common when you are in an abusive dynamic - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. The Freedom Programme will spell all this out to you, do get on it when you've a minute! I've linked you to the 'find a course' page so you can find a course near you. It's an amazing course, I can't recommend it highly enough. yy you're going to be busy for a while with your new baby but it makes a huge difference to meet ordinary (lovely!) women who are going through a similar headfuck and have ended up buried under it. You are far from alone. Most courses offer childcare during the day so you can concentrate on the course (about an hour long, I think).

YOu can't afford a breakdown, lovely; you've kids to look after. Get rid of the dead weight so you can do your job properly xx

His behaviour has nothing to do with him being a musician and everything to do with him being a selfish irresponsible waste of space.
Yes he 'works' in an industry in which drug taking may be more prevalent but ultimately he makes his own choices.
I am sorry OP but based on what you have written your 'DH' is an emotionally abusive drug addict and a shit husband and father.
You and your children deserve better. He is a toxic individual and for the sake of your children you need to LTB. Good luck and keep posting, you will get great support here.

Love, please listen and take in what these women are saying to you.

I wasted 33 years of my life with someone like your DH.
I didn't tell anyone about the problems, the coke etc, but I did end up talking to the Samaritans a few times.

Tell people about him, tell his parents. Why should you keep his dirty secrets.
And leave him.

Wishing you clarity of thought and strength of mind.

Wishing you all the best and hope you can resolve this for you and your children, please leave him

I'm not surprised he was a great birth partner, men like him tend to shine in situations where they have an audience to impress. Bet the midwife thought he was great.

I know lots of musicians and NONE of them are like that! You will be so much better off without him. With little ones you'd be high on the housing list, depending on where you are in the country, or if you need to relocate to be near your Mum for help, you may find that the wait for housing is minimal. Make that move whilst your little ones are small enough to settle easily in a peaceful new home x

I agree with what FlimFlammer said. I bet he was a real charmer in the theatre of your child's birth, what a performer.

My DD's father would have been the same. He would have loved to have told all his friends how he'd helped to deliver her and what an enriching experience it was.
Fortunately I just about had the sense to get away from him and get two lovely female friends to go with me, and XP (which he was by the time she was born) was at a series of gigs and parties and didn't even know she'd been born til ten days later.

Look to the future with good role models in your DCs lives and not this loser.

Come out of hiding to post this. I am a musician, and a mother to two beautiful DCs. When they came along, the partying stopped!! I still gig. I still do studio work. I still earn. But never, ever at the expense of my family. Partying only goes wuth the lifestyle if you allow it to. All of the musicians I play with have the same attitude. It's a very enjoyable job, but that is what it is. A job. Don't let him decieve you!! You deserve so much more. Leave x

Both my brothers are musicians, and have both managed to have normal marriages for over ten years.

I'd be astonished if this idiot isn't cheating on you while he's trashed on drugs. He sounds truly vile - time to find a nice, normal man who wants to spend his weekends with his wife! X

who he is and what he does are two different things, you know. But at the moment he has chosen to subsume who he is into what he does; and you're in a relationship with his actions, what he has chosen to do (which is very destructive and hurtful). So what he does is a 'waste of space' not who he is. The wet cardboard box is the hopelessly inept, useless face of addiction, which is no use to man or beast. Least of all him tbh, but that's besides the point at the moment.

Underneath all that hideous behaviour is the man you fell in love with. BUT - huge but - he has chosen not to function from that man. There is nothing you can do about that, really there isn't. It is ENTIRELY his choice, his responsibility - there is precisely NOTHING you can do about appealling to his 'better nature': he has to want to do that himself.

So don't be feeling sorry for him. It is you and your kids you need to be feeling sorry for at present. He has made his choices and the effect for you and the kids is hideous. You have to protect yourself and them. He's an adult, he has to make his own choices.

I'm wondering if your silence is because sprog has chosen to arrive. If so, we are all hoping it went well and wishing you the very best.

sorry, this is going nowhere. Does he provide anything positive at all ?
no support, no love, no presence, no money, no stability, aggressive, emotionally abusive.
Stop it now, take the power that you have & use it, stop paying for his benders, tell him to open an account, or just go .

where does he sleep all these days he is absent? Apart from the drug use, the abuse and the absenteeism, plus dumping your stepchild on you - I wouldn't be surprised if he had another woman/en on the go. Not that that is helpful, but heck, he is hardly trustworthy.

You need to be away from him, your in laws could make you homeless I presume and then you would qualify for accommodation. Short term grim, but long term worth it. And then you need to protect your children from him and his drug use. You need to tell people, your midwife, HV or GP, or all three. I would not rely on him for maintenance either, I doubt he pays anything for his other child does he?

What the hell are you doing with this loser? Time to put your big girl pants on and step up to the plate as a mother op. I want you to really think about how pathetic this man is in every aspect of life. He's a druggie, feckless, bankrupt, abusive, vile waste of space. You want your kids around this fuck up? You bank roll him? Jesus. Is he paying any maintenance for his first son? Or is the no bank account a convenient little loophole to get out of taking any responsibility for his life.

You need to phone the bank and tell them you've lost your bank card and get a new one sent out with a new PIN number that you do not tell anyone (you are obliged to do this anyway and breaking the terms of your banks conditions by giving it out to wasters with a drug problem.)

Has your health visitor met your DP? Really step back and cut the 'I love him'' bullshit and think of everything you've said written as a social services report on the domestic life your kids are being raised in, how do you think it makes you look?

Wow op, your head is in a fantasy world, you really need him around to be happy don't you? He must be so goodlooking that you don't notice his bloodsucking proboscis.

I really feel so sorry for your innocent dc op, they deserve so much better.

There are 2 kinds of mothers.

The first kind instinctively try their very best and do everything in their power to provide a safe, peaceful. nonabusive and secure environment for their children.

The other type do not.

What a tragic situation for the dc.

Can you open another account for yourself & transfer the money you need, leaving him with the remainder?

I think some posters are here being a bit harsh. OP is heavily pg and isn't in the position to suddenly up and leave. She has realised this isn't the best situation and is asking for advice about what to do about it.

Good luck with the birth OP and please listen to the advice. Start arming yourself with the knowledge to leave and if you can, set up your own account to stop him leaving you and the DC short.

Your life will be so much better without him in it, in every way. It is not you, you are not hormonal or pushing him away.

I think you'll find yourself mentally stronger if you start to believe he is nothing in your life - emotionally detach, don't expect anything from him and disentangle your lives as much as possible. In a similar situation I felt this helped enormously as I prepared to move on.

You sound like you are a strong woman and a loving mum :) dig deep - there is some good advice on here. Ask for help, get informed and make the choice that is right for you and your babies. Will be thinking about you x

Just wanted to update this because I went AWOL as I had my baby a day after my last post! It's taken some time to get myself in the right position financially but I've managed to find a private let in my old hometown and due to move in soon. This was to be a fresh start with 'D'H - getting him away from old crowd and into an environment where drug taking wasn't a possibility. And then on the day we signed tenancy agreement I find out that as many of you suspected he has been seeing someone else on and off since DD (now 2 and a half) was 3 months old. So it's finally, FINALLY a LTB from me! New life starts here, wish me luck!

Well done Op and good luck for you going forward to a brighter and better future.