39 weeks pg, DH despises me, life is a mess.

[babiesbelikewhat]

Please bear with me, this is likely to be long and not sure where to begin. Have thought about posting many times over the past couple of years but never felt brave enough.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. When we first got together we both lived quite the party lifestyle, except alternate weekends when we looked after his DS. Decided to get married, 1 month later I found out I was pg with DD, had already begun to tone down lifestyle unlike DH. He is a musician and it always went with the territory. To cut a long story short, throughout previous pregnancy he was frequently absent, brought friends back to our flat for all night parties, drank, took drugs, booked numerous gigs and tours for around due date etc. 3 days after DDs due date he disappeared with my bank card (does not have his own bank acc, all our income goes into my account and we manage with one card) to a party, pretty much cleaned out funds, called me the next day (on the day my mum was due to arrive to help) in tears saying he'd done a load of acid and didn't know where he was and asked me to meet him in a taxi and take him home to bed. I obliged even though it meant leaving DM in a shop, lying to say I needed to collect something, back in half an hour, then running to his whereabouts and taking him home then running (literally running!) back to DM.

After much conversation and soul searching I forgave him and DD born 2 days later. Resentment has always remained about this and he has continued to party ("work/rehearse" as he would have it) ever since. Like I said, I find it hard to hold him accountable for this behaviour a lot of the time as a) he is a musician and producer and it apparently goes with the territory and b) the times I have brought it up have ended up in vile abusive arguments.

Early summer last year he lost his business premises through sheer bad luck, this happened about a month after I found out I was pg again. Found new premises but much more costly, at the same time we had just decided we needed more space than our one bedroom shoebox provided, couldn't afford to size up in area and have moved in with his parents to save.

We have saved approx. BUGGER ALL, a lot of 'his' money gets spent on partying then my wages subsidise the shortfall on his business rent. It is very apparent he has dependency issues, in the 7 months we have been living here he has probably been at home at the weekend a handful of times. He always starts off saying he has a booking on a Friday night, will be back the next day. Monday evening rolls around and after little (often no) contact he shows up. On numerous occasions he has arranged to have DSS dropped off knowing full well he will be spending the weekend partying. I and his parents are sick if lying to his son and increasingly to our DD who is now way more aware when he is absent.

In January, he has spent at least £600 on going out, when questioned about this he gets defensive and shuts down the conversation, threatens to stay 'at work' longer or at worst just hurls abuse, last time he threatened to kick me out to stay with my DM (he knows she can't accommodate heavily pregnant me and DD as thanks to bedroom tax she had to give up her home last year and now lives in the middle of nowhere in another relatives house).

I am at the end of my tether. My hopes of saving up to move somewhere by the time DS came along are laughably far off the mark (unless miracles happen in the next few days). I have no savings and would be reliant on housing benefit which rules out most rentals, the only option for me is emergency accommodation or shutting up and staying put under DMIL and DFIL's roof (they are lovely and understand what he's like so wouldn't kick me out themselves).

I'm due later this week, he has returned home today after another weekend of no contact, started throwing his weight around and point scoring over whether DD needed a bath tonight and within seconds called me a fucking bitch for (albeit not the nicest thing to say) sarcastically suggesting he knows best since he's the one waltzing in and out of DDs life while I know the daily routine. Apparently this comment also warrants being screamed at to shut the fuck up, in front of DD.

Then later when in tried to explain to him that we need him around, he is loved and wanted but that the truth still stands that he chooses when to be a dad and when to live a young free and single drug fuelled lifestyle, I was told not to fucking talk to him and that as soon as the kids were grown up I'd be left with nothing and I'd be a bitter old woman.

Reading this back I feel pathetic. So many toxic relationship alarm bells. He clearly doesn't want to be with me and isn't ready for fatherhood and the responsibility it entails. Or am I just being mental and hormonal? If that's the case please don't flame me as I already feel this close to a break down.

@springydaffs I'm sure a relationship with a wet cardboard box would be preferable at times!

And now I feel guilty for sharing all this and agreeing with wet cardboard box analogy. Oh god I'm the girl who says "but I love him / but he's a good dad when he's here"

Don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong by sharing your thoughts.

He cannot be a good dad "when he's here", as he has abused you in front of your child, is unreliable and inconsistent, financially wasteful etc. No matter what else he does, these things make him a rubbish dad and an even worse partner. No decent dad would dream of abusing their partner at all let alone in front of the children.

Side note: i have for the last month or so been saying to him, if you're going to be away please at least be contactable in case of labour etc and this has generally fallen on deaf ears, I even went as far as to say he wouldn't forgive himself if he kissed out on DS's birth BUT now I'm worried he's going to bugger off tomorrow (has work anyway so def going) and stay away and then I'll go into labour and he'll blame me for missing it.

missed not kissed

Erm... I think you need to divorce the druggie and concentrate on your children. They will probably enjoy their childhood more if they are not witnessing domestic abuse.

Erm... I think you need to divorce the druggie and concentrate on your children. They will probably enjoy their childhood more if they are not witnessing domestic abuse.

I know it's a very difficult thing to turn around, but you are not to blame for his behaviour. If he goes away, uncontactable, after being told when you're due and he misses the birth (which you have ZERO control over the timing of) then it is indisputably his responsibility. Any attempt to blame you should be met with incredulity and contempt, and should be ignored. What a fool he is.

Do you have someone reliable who will be there as your birth partner? Will your in laws look after your DD when you're in labour?

He is quite awful. I am not one of the LTB crowd, but - LTB. Now. You CAN do it on your own. Big hug xx

This isn't recoverable.

You've done your damnedest, you've given in for an easy life. He has no respect for you.

And he isn't a good dad. He would happily let his children and pregnant wife starve as long as he has access to your money to fund his partying and drug-taking.

Keep hold of your bank card. Don't allow him to bully you into having it. He can sort out his own banking. Don't subsidise his business. He doesn't have the power to kick you out of his parent's house .

Yes in laws are set to look after DD and he is supposedly birth partner. At a push DM might get here in time but unlikely, if he is AWOL then I think I'll be going it alone. I have said that if he turns up at the hospital in a state he won't be allowed in (more likely I won't be letting him anywhere bloody near me!) but he thinks and I quote "it'll be fine I know how to medicate myself I'll just pop a Valium" which I'm sure would really enhance the experience for him until he realises he wouldn't be able to sleep for 16 hours straight like he did last time he took Valium a couple of weeks ago. Double

Are you even allowed to have to birth partner?!

No birth partner, not to birth partner.

And I guess this is why I've always been scared to post, in my heart I know it's an out and out LTB situation. Breaks me to admit it but.

I know quite a few people in the music business and know for a fact that this kind of behaviour does NOT go with the territory. In fact, when not blasting out brutal heavy metal I bet your h thinks he's the next tired indie sensation they're pretty ordinary 'family men', quite at home on the school run, at the allotment or renovating their home. Is he even a very accomplished musician? I notice he had no ID to open his own bank account, so he can't have a passport and be touring abroad.
He sounds like a financially abusive, freeloading twat who needs to start taking responsibility for himself and his family, not blowing his cash on drugs. He also sounds far too dependent on his own mummy and daddy.
Change your pin (and the locks), send him back to his mother's and concentrate on you and your dcs. Looking after a newborn and your two will be a doodle when you don't have this deadweight to deal with too.

Am so sorry. Have just noticed you're already living with the in laws. Could you not apply for emergency accommodation? Surely you must be overcrowded living where you are

He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen and the sooner you can get him out of your life, the better.
Really, he sounds awful!

He sounds absolutely dreadful, a man-child really.

Yes of course he would've suggested children. "Wifey" at home looking after the kids while he lives the life of a n overgrown teenager bachelor.

Anyway, where does he stay these weekends away?? Like someone upthread said there could be an OW.

You deserve a medal for putting up with it all. But now you need to think of you and DC. Stop subsidising him (does the money from his gigs go into your account?) and let him sort out his own account. It's his responsibility to get his ID too.

And yes, change the pin code.

Look at it this way, you are having your third child cos he is one too!

Your life will be so much better just you and DC (I speak from experience).

Having lived in emergency accommodation, now matter how awful it is it would be preferable to this. You need to be tough now. You have two choices, 1. Get ILs to 'evict' you so you are declared homeless and get emergency accommodation. You can then concentrate on sorting out your finances or 2, you stay and separate your money so you can save by either refusing to act as his bank account and not accept his money into your account or you open another account for your own my money to go in and stop bank rolling him. Either way you need to get out.

I don't know where you stand in relation to benefits as you normally work and I guess it depends on what you do about work once your Mat leave is over. Maybe its worth calling women's aid? You are being abused and they would be able to advise.

Good luck OP. Things can only get better than this if you get rid of this leach.

I know quite a few people in the music business and know for a fact that this kind of behaviour does NOT go with the territory

Ditto. Stop hiding his behaviour and start asking for help.

He's on a high road to a drug overdose, you know that, right? He's not going to see your DC grow up unless he grows the fuck up rapidly and takes charge of his addictions and ridiculous life.

You need to leave the leeching twat and get away from him. Get your DC away from him too before they think this is any kind of normal (it really isn't).

I agree that even emergency accommodation, however bad it is, isn't going to be worse than living on eggshells with a drugged up wanker who thinks it's ok to abuse his heavily pregnant wife. PILs have obviously never been able to stand up to him or help him, so don't rely on them doing anything useful (like kicking him out of the house and keeping you and their DGC safe)

I know you say you love him and the DC love him, but really, what is there to love? You barely see him, when you do it's horrible, he steals all your money, he leaves you when you need him most - WHAT do you love about him??

Please find a way to get out. It might be the wake up call he needs, it might not - but either way he is not your responsibility - your children are.

we need him around, he is loved and wanted

1- no, you really don't
2- why???

He's absolutely awful, selfish, financially abusive, uncaring, emotionally abusive, drug addicted, useless, weak, lying, unreliable, and all the rest. Do your kids a favour and get away from this 'man' (child) before he destroys their childhoods.

Of course you're "allowed" to have no birth partner. If you turned up in labor they wouldn't say "no sorry, go home!" :)

He is not a good dad. By his actions and you putting up with it, you are both teaching your daughter that this is acceptable in a relationship. That if this happens to her, this is what she should put up with.

There is nothing you can do to fix someone with a dependency. You can, however, choose to protect your children from the pernicious impact of being parented (I use the term loosely) by an addict.

You may love him, he may in his own way love you. Trouble is, he loves getting trashed more. Save yourself and your children years of misery, have the courage to get out now.

And these work nights that he is away for 3-4 nights, not one - where is he staying, do you think he is dossing with friends, or hooking up with groupies/other girlfriend? Hardly speaks of any commitment to being a partner and a father, sounds like you are a second choice when he has nothing fun to do (or no more of your money to spend) and he needs a bed and a feed.

Tell him to sort a bank account ASAP, yours is off limits. With a baby due this week, I'd be staying with IL's and living "separately" with him on the couch until you can get out. Maybe ask the hospital when delivering, use their social workers. Say the truth, he has addiction issues and is abusive to you, and you don't think the IL's will ban him from the home, so you have nowhere safe to go.

Well done op for posting, the first step in the right direction for you and your dc.

You know it cannot carry on and the damage and havoc this selfish, vile parasite is causing is because you and his lovely dps are enabling him to be like that.

You and his parents have created this situation by not standing up to him and only you can save yourself and your dc from it.

You are not dealing with a normal, balanced husband/father/son.

You are dealing with someone who is a selfish pathological liar who lacks empathy or compassion for others, a complete hedonist, and a psychological, financial and emotional bully.

You will find googling articles about living with a sociopath very informative and enlightening.

You cannot be expected to deal with this all on your own but you know you have to make a new life for yourselves without this vile parasite sucking dry all your finances, energy and mental health.

I suggest you have a heart to heart with his parents, your gp, get a referral for the freedom programme, women's aid, and keep posting, anything you can do to work towards a safe, peaceful and happy future for yourself and your dc.

The bank account is his blood source so cut that and your parasite will have to move elsewhere.

Say the money is only for the household and children's needs from now on and you can't afford to support his drug habit/ partying/ business rent.

If he throws a tantrum, is rude or disrespectful say he is not a good role model for the dc and that it is unacceptable.

Luckily in your heart you know you have to detach emotionally and financially for you and your dc to ever be happy again and this will be hard because there is a toxic bond binding him to you.

This toxic bond is made up of your love and devotion for a person who exhibits sociopathic behaviour, his total disregard for you and your dc, your exhaustion, your money and your head in sand in laws.

You know you need to debond despite how hard it will be. You know that he will ruin all your lives and is intending on doing so.

It's down to you to change that.

Good luck.