Advice needed - Jekyll and Hyde DH

[molehillormountain]

Hello all, I am looking for some objective advice on my relationship with DH. Sorry if it is a bit long.

Bit of background, been together for half of my life and we have a beautiful son. I am so happy in my life but I would say the only issue in it is DH in that he can be very inconsistent in his behaviour towards me - almost a Jekyll and Hyde.

For 60% of the time, he is loving, interesting, ambitious, exciting, supportive, a good listener, good advice giver, good lover. This is the DH I want to be married to.

But then something can set him off and his character changes. He has these angry outbursts over things which seem little to me - a teaspoon in the sink, a cup on the table. His unopened post on the side. He will sometimes get the rage about it and mutter things under his breath. He says I am lazy and that I just don't see things that need doing. FYI - the house is mostly spotless but I do like to relax and put a cup on the side sometimes! It makes me have a feeling of dreadfulness when he like this.

I will give you a snap shot of the weekend - please tell me, is it him, or am I being sensitive?

Went to a wedding reception on Saturday night. His friends were there and it was great to catch up with them and DH seemed to enjoy himself. I drove home and his mood completely changed. He went all distant and withdrawn and miserable. I asked if he enjoyed it and he said 'it was alright. Did you?' in a sullen manner. I told him it was really nice to see his friends. He didn't say much for the rest of the evening - just seemed pissed off.

I asked him the other day if he read the gas meter or if the gas man did. He exploded and said how could I not know, I have been living here for 5 years. He called me a pathetic child and told me to grow up. He said yes, all houses have gas meters and all grown ups have them. I tried to speak up to him but he stormed off and I could not defend myself. It was like there was a glass wall between us. I only asked a question! I literally feel powerless whenever I try and stand up to him. He texted the next day to apologise that he lost his rag, but i had presented him with a problem when he was in the middle of trying to do his work and the computer kept breaking down on him so he was frustrated. He said he does know I do other things that he doesn't.

Yesterday, I came home from work and when I walked in and said hi, there was no response. He looked very annoyed as he had been fined for not paying his VAT on time. Understandable for him to be angry. But he bangs hard on the laptop when it won't work and growls and it makes me jump and my heart race. He also lost his cool with DS when DS interrupted him (he is 3).

DH just doesn't like the mundane and wants a more exciting life. He would in an ideal world like to emigrate. In his head - it excuses his behaviour because he has made it clear he does not want to be here. But my feelings are - what if he is just an arsehole? how can i even contemplate moving away with him when every weekend I am walking on eggshells around him and wondering which DH I am going to get every day?

Thank you for reading if you have reached the end of this mammoth post! Would appreciate your comments.

What you're describing is pretty classic emotional abuse, I'm afraid. Psychological bullying if you prefer. People like your DH alternate nice behaviour with angry, irrational outbursts over petty matters as a method of keeping people they see as inferior to them (you) in control. It's manipulation through intimidation. Every time he bangs on the lap-top or gets in a rage about a teaspoon you become a little less sure of yourself and a little more eager for it not to happen again. 'Walking on eggshells' is the typical description.

It's like training a dog with a choke chain.... If the choke chain gets a yank every so often, the dog quickly learns to walk to heel. Eventually the dog walks to heel automatically. Now the dog might think it is choosing to walk to heel voluntarily (if a dog thinks at all) but its behaviour has been modified because it wants to avoid pain.

The only two responses to bullying are a) stand up to it and b) reject it. If you find it difficult to stand up to him with any assertiveness (and that would be normal if you've been subjected to this treatment for half your life) then the only option left to you is to 'LTB'.

BTW.... the reason you endure the bullying is because he shows you 'nice DH' some of the time and you think it will go up to 100% of the time if you just say the right thing, do the right thing, don't make him angry.....

It never will. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the '60%' you mention is actually a lot lower and getting even lower as time goes on.

Your beautiful 3yo DS is already his next victim. I'd get out before the child is too badly damaged.

Sounds like my STBExH. Just like him.
I am in tears this morning after another foul mouthed outburst from him.

Oh god, the thought of emigrating with a man like that, leaving all your family and friends behind and then, when it inevitably goes tits up - probably when his desire for adventure finds him with another woman in his lap - finding you can't leave the country because the law forbids it... It makes me go cold.

He's horrible, isn't he? He seems to know he is, well, afterwards, anyway, but that's no help really.

Your husband is a control freak and has no respect for you . You really need to sit him down when he is in good mood and explain how you feel and how upset and hurt it makes you and it has to stop Or you can't live like this any longer. If it didn't improve after that I think you need to pack your bags leave him to cool in the water he boiled and he will see just how serious you are.

Thank you for confirming what i already thought. It is just the examples I gave seem silly to provide out of context with the rest of it so I wanted to know what you thought of my weekend in isolation.

It can be so confusing. I am left wondering if I am over reacting?

Proud mummy- I have told him several times how he makes me feel and have threatened v seriously to leave and stay with my mum. DH made DS cry when he told him mummy is taking you away. He then talked me out of going and things improved for a bit. But he loses his rag every so often and I'm speechless.

Should I suggest he goes to anger management or is there no hope?

Do not emigrate!!!!

Even if he does anger management - it probably won't help him behave better consistently to you.

He is also emotionally abusing your son: "DH made DS cry when he told him mummy is taking you away."

Does he behave the same way with other people? Does he lose his cool at work or with strangers? Has he ever got into trouble for being aggressive? If 'yes' then he could have a general problem with anger. If 'no' (which would be consistent) then he is managing his anger pretty well and the bullying is conscious and deliberate. What a disgustingly cruel thing to say to a small child.....

Even if he has anger issues and does get help, you are not obliged to stick around to be on the receiving end.

Like pp have said, he is emotionally abusing you and your son. It will only get worse. Tell him to emigrate by himself, that would make your life better.
This type of behaviour will have an impact on your sons development. Get yourselves away from this nasty twat.

He generally treats everyone else well, is popular and thought highly of.
He has lost his cool with a colleague who was trying to interfere with him getting paid, and occasionally loses patience with his mum (she is a chatterbox) but apart from that, no.

Walking on eggshells is to my mind just another way of writing living in fear.

Its not you, its him and you and your son are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You are certainly not the one to try and rescue and or save him here from his own abuser self so it is more than ok now to walk away from him. This is the real him. Such men actually hate women, all of them.

This is not an anger management issue; he can control himself but instead chooses to let rip at you and your son instead. This has never been about anger.

Do not emigrate under any circumstances; all that will do is further isolate you. He will then further abuse you. such men do not change.

What do you want your son to remember about his childhood?.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want for your son; he could well grow up to be an abuser like his father is. You're showing your son that currently at least, all this is acceptable to you on some level. You're showing him that being treated appallingly by his dad is what women have to put up with in relationships.

You perhaps have stayed because you still hope that he will change and step up; I am sorry to tell you that he will not. This is the real him. What he will do is further ramp up the abuse; you're already seen the nice/nasty cycle more than once and it is a continuous cycle as well. Fear of him also likely keeps you within this as does your totally misplaced senses of shame and embarrassment. He knows your threats to leave have also to date come to nothing so that gives him more power as well. His behaviour towards your son at that time too was nothing short of despicable.

Womens Aid can help 0808 2000 247. You've posted here; you know his treatment of you is wrong.

He sssounds like a bully boy that disrespects women. U r so better of without him. My ex bullied me and his mum for 5 yrs and once my child was born he spoke to me with such venom in front of my baby I realised I'm someone's mum I'm not going to be bullied .. if I can't stand up for myself how can I stand up for my child. I left him and it was like a ton of bricks off my shoulders. I'm now married to the best man and daddy I could have wished for! Please leave him you and your child deserve better. Don't let him being nice some days away you to stay there should be no fear of someone that is meant to love you. If he loved you truly he would never want to upset you or speak down to you.

I began looking at this thread wondering whether your H knows how much it upsets you when he erupts. He must do. It is a handy excuse - "You interrupted me" - "The tax man fined me" - but his anger is out of all proportion. The muttering and fault finding are rebukes and not how two grown people raise issues. It doesn't surprise me he has cultivated an image of Mr Nice Guy outside the home.

You worry you may be overreacting, but you have told him more than once how the mood swings and outbursts make you feel. So if he continues it means he knows that it bothers you but actually he doesn't care. And he isn't above using DS to make you feel guilty.

He'd like to emigrate to start afresh. Happily you don't have to go overseas to get away and begin again. If you are not getting through to him you have to change tactics. Do something he's not expecting. He obviously thinks that you are too under the thumb and are just going to put up with this. Have you checked with your mum to see if you and DS can come to stay? Is she living within reach of your work?

I am in the process of divorcing a man just like this.
I used the term Jekyll and Hyde all the time, too.
With time the balance will shift…
At first it was 95% good / 5% bad…. ended up 85% bad / 15% good.
I started to think that I was losing my mind.
He would tell me things I had said, and when I denied it would spin such a good yarn that I seriously doubted myself.
He is also a classic narcissist - everything is about him. So if I had a birthday, or had had a good time out, he would find an excuse to fight with me and ultimately ruin my day.
Sorry, I don't think men like this change.

It is very confusing - it is designed to be confusing.
I would have said XP was 80% nice and 20% nasty. Everything you wrote OP I recognise.

You are probably spending much time in a state of confusion, walking on eggshells, even when he is being"great" you are always just waiting for the next outburst, and it will always come.

He is emotionally abusive and probably won't change or improve.

There is a great book that will help you to understand the situation you are in - "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft

oh yes the cultivation of the public persona Mr Wonderful, Mr Charming.

Many of my close friends and family still think I am mad for having left such a "wonderful man". They don't get it, not at all. When I tell them what life was like they smile and nod, but they just don't understand or get it.

Another one here to reiterate DO not emigrate with this man. I've read enough threads on here from women stuck abroad with a bastard.

He sounds very like my EA "D"H, even down to the growling and laptop banging when the computer isn't working properly/fast enough.

We are on the brink of separation because H wants to move abroad and I have refused to go, because I'm not prepared to risk sacrificing my happiness for a manipulative, controlling manchild.

His behaviour is designed to keep you on your toes, to be vigilant to what might set him off next, to be atentive to his needs. It is a way of keeping you on the defensive, focused on him rather than on yourself.

He doesn't like the mundane? Diddums. Every functioning adult has to deal with the dull minutiae of daily life - why should he get special dispensation? More to the point, why do you matter so little that you can just be landed with his share of the mundane as well as yours?

Did this "Jekyll and Hyde" behaviour began or at least escalate when you were pregnant or on maternity leave? This is a very common pattern.

I can recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft for an insight into what is behind this behaviour.

Oh my gosh! This is almost exactly a description of my ex-h! I was always treading on eggshells so as not to anger him, but it still became harder and harder to please him and he eventually left me for someone else!

I got over him embarrassingly quickly.

LTB!

I have spent 37 years with the man you described. Why was I so stupid? The lovely one of him was so lovely, I wished I could keep that one.
I realised he does not have two personalities he wears a mask. He is just a narcicisstic twat in a mask. The one I love does not even exist.

From an objective viewpoint your help sounds like a horrible man who treats you with contempt. Could he be having an affair? He sounds as if he treats you badly partly to elicit a reaction. This can sometimes justify cheating behaviour (in their warped minds)
Hope you find a good solution

I am in the process of divorcing a man very similar, OP.

In public he was charm personified.

Behind closed doors he had a frightening temper and controlled me in various ways with his intimidation.

For 'hates mundane life' read 'entitled'

For 'Jekyll and Hyde' read 'Controlling Narcissist'

OP: he is angry because he is abusive

You can't change that.

Under no circumstances should you emigrate. Or have any more children with him.

Call Woman's Aid and read 'Why does he do that' ASAP.

He told your son you were going to take him away from daddy!

Oh dear. I think you are far away from leaving this man but believe me he will not change. If anything his grip on you will tighten and I expect he will try to encourage you to have more dc just as he sees your independence start to set in as your son gets older.

Abusive men are nice some of the time and nasty the rest of it.

They act nicely usually if they can feel you withdrawing but once they sense your comfortable again then mr nasty comes back out.

Of course he is nice to other people! Most abusers would never show their true colours in public because the general public would not accept their behaviour and they know it.

You know who he is, you have seen it and felt it so be very careful. Your gut is already telling you his behaviour isn't right and so are we.

Good luck

Is it really necessary for me to call women's aid? It will be hogging the line preventing someone who needs it from getting through.

The issue with the VAT was sorted, was only an estimate and not a fine so there is not a problem.

He has come home in a good mood and now I feel guilty for coming on mumsnet about this. So confused!

You don't have to call Women's Aid but they are a good resource for victims of abusive relationships. You may not need urgent refuge and you may not have been physically abused but, if you want to break away, you'll need advice on how to go about it safely and maybe a recommendation of a solicitor that is familiar with coercive control.