Advice needed - Jekyll and Hyde DH

[molehillormountain]

Hello all, I am looking for some objective advice on my relationship with DH. Sorry if it is a bit long.

Bit of background, been together for half of my life and we have a beautiful son. I am so happy in my life but I would say the only issue in it is DH in that he can be very inconsistent in his behaviour towards me - almost a Jekyll and Hyde.

For 60% of the time, he is loving, interesting, ambitious, exciting, supportive, a good listener, good advice giver, good lover. This is the DH I want to be married to.

But then something can set him off and his character changes. He has these angry outbursts over things which seem little to me - a teaspoon in the sink, a cup on the table. His unopened post on the side. He will sometimes get the rage about it and mutter things under his breath. He says I am lazy and that I just don't see things that need doing. FYI - the house is mostly spotless but I do like to relax and put a cup on the side sometimes! It makes me have a feeling of dreadfulness when he like this.

I will give you a snap shot of the weekend - please tell me, is it him, or am I being sensitive?

Went to a wedding reception on Saturday night. His friends were there and it was great to catch up with them and DH seemed to enjoy himself. I drove home and his mood completely changed. He went all distant and withdrawn and miserable. I asked if he enjoyed it and he said 'it was alright. Did you?' in a sullen manner. I told him it was really nice to see his friends. He didn't say much for the rest of the evening - just seemed pissed off.

I asked him the other day if he read the gas meter or if the gas man did. He exploded and said how could I not know, I have been living here for 5 years. He called me a pathetic child and told me to grow up. He said yes, all houses have gas meters and all grown ups have them. I tried to speak up to him but he stormed off and I could not defend myself. It was like there was a glass wall between us. I only asked a question! I literally feel powerless whenever I try and stand up to him. He texted the next day to apologise that he lost his rag, but i had presented him with a problem when he was in the middle of trying to do his work and the computer kept breaking down on him so he was frustrated. He said he does know I do other things that he doesn't.

Yesterday, I came home from work and when I walked in and said hi, there was no response. He looked very annoyed as he had been fined for not paying his VAT on time. Understandable for him to be angry. But he bangs hard on the laptop when it won't work and growls and it makes me jump and my heart race. He also lost his cool with DS when DS interrupted him (he is 3).

DH just doesn't like the mundane and wants a more exciting life. He would in an ideal world like to emigrate. In his head - it excuses his behaviour because he has made it clear he does not want to be here. But my feelings are - what if he is just an arsehole? how can i even contemplate moving away with him when every weekend I am walking on eggshells around him and wondering which DH I am going to get every day?

Thank you for reading if you have reached the end of this mammoth post! Would appreciate your comments.

Does your sibling have a good relationship with your parents?

Marginally better than mine but thankfully our own sibling relationship survived. Many do not as Golden Child/Scapegoat is a shitty way to grow up whichever end you are dealing with it fom.

*from

So you think your dad was a narcissist AF?

I don't know. No, not quite. Narcissists have love for themselves. He hates himself more than anybody. There is no fixing that.

my x used to turn it round on me, the lundy bancroft thing. It was like he'd read the book (but he hadn't because i didn't have it until after i left him) but he used to say to me "oh all the neighbours think you're so lovely, your colleagues think you're so reasonable, all your friends think you're so funny, you're family think you're so loyal, but behind closed doors you are a bitch and a monster and I know the truth, you are a wolf in sheeps clothing".

Now i understand it was total Projection! but made me wonder if I was the fake, if I was the house devil street angel!

Anyfucker, Narcissists have a huge ego, but a very low self-esteem. A self-esteem can be damaged obviously but it's more steady, like a slow heater. Ego is like hot air and needs to be inflated (and it can only ever be inflated temporarily) by drama, caused by the reaction to their lies, or their insults or the indignant hurt reaction to their accusations.

That was my x. he seemed like he loved himself but there was nothing there at all. Only qualifications, money and expensive clothes. There was actually NOTHING on the inside and he sort of knew that. I think. Or the fear would pop in to his head briefly anyway, that there was nothing to him

Emigrating doesn't work like a magic spell. An arsehole in the UK will be an arsehole abroad - possibly more so if he gets frustrated with local things. Also, once you have emigrated, it just becomes normal life again. You still have to put rubbish out, pay taxes, find schools, etc.

The fact that he lost his cool at work is a very bad sign I think. Sounds like he is unravelling and can't even keep a lid on it in a place where it's important to be seen as professional.

I would be terrified this could turn physical. If he lost his job for example and you were both under each other's feet, could punching a cupboard turn into punching you.

I agree about him viewing emigration as a magic bullet too. I assume he is thinking of the Australian dream? My Australian friends assure me that Sydney and Melbourne are both as expensive if not worse than London. Yes you get the sunshine (and the bush fires) but regardless of where you live there will be day to day problems and normal life stress (intensified by cultural differences).

Agreed. I moved countries and after a while it's just "home" - better in some respects, worse in others. But your problems go right along with you.

DH came home today and mentioned he lost his temper at work and punched the cupboard.
Is this the first time he has mentioned anything like this?
Do you think he knows about this thread?

I wonder did he actually lose his temper at work or was he just telling you a scary story to keep you in line? You see I don't trust manipulative bullies further than I can comfortably throw them..... Any way you can check up if he's bullshitting?

No can't check up. It's a new job so I don't know any of his colleagues.

Wow, that must have made a good impression then! New job and he's punching the furniture.

I know, bit suspicious!

I did recently say to him that If he behaved at work like he did with me they would terminate his contract, if that has any relevance?

It's certainly very odd behaviour if you are new in a job. It's odd behaviour anyway but presumably he's on some sort of probation period. So maybe it didn't happen...

I wouldn't be surprised if he has either seen molehills post on MN, or noticed a change in molehills behaviour towards him, and is trying a new tactic re the work thing.

It does seem very odd that someone so "popular and highly thought of" by his colleagues would start punching furniture in front of colleagues at a new job.

He won't have seen my posts but knows I am withdrawing from him. All my evenings in spare room tell him what he needs to know.

yy Messyhair9 my ex has an inflated ego and nothing on the inside that's him to a tee.

When I ever confronted him regarding his lack of engagement with family or support he would just cry but no WORDS ever came out, ever.

Even when I let rip at him when I chucked him out, I told him exactly what I felt and he literally was unable to respond on anything other than a totally superficial level:

e.g. me :(crying tears of anger and end of tether): you never lift a finger around the house, you constantly lie on the sofa being miserable while I raise the kids and run a house.
him : I don't like taking the Hoover upstairs.

anyfucker, now your knowledge of dysfunctional relationships makes sense. I had wondered how you were of the first ones on here to see it exactly how it is, no bullshit, no apologies, and I know from reading your posts that your husband is a good one. So now it makes sense. Not that it was puzzling before you understand!

handywoman yes, I read that description in a book that was nothing to do with abusive men. It was a book I was reading to help myself recover afterwards and it was about confidence and self -esteem and ego. And the difference between them, and the tactics people apply if their self-esteem isn't healthy.

it's terrible now, I can't help diagnosing people! annoying hyper won't shut up mums at the school gate, tossers at work............ I'm like Dr Messy with a silent diagnosis now! My bullshitometre detects even minor fuckwittery. Sometimes I wish I could ignore a little bit of bullshit!

Thanks, messy

I am never too sure about using labels because I think sometimes they can be dressed up like excuses.

All I know is people like my father hate themselves and don't know how to deal with it any other way. He would smash things up in fits of temper, often in front of neighbours and friends which was hideously embarrassing for a child who already had esteem issues. Nobody wants to be the button of jokes 'cos your dad took a hammer in the street to his Morris Minor that wouldn't start one day. It's like the universe is out to get them.

I think there is a great howling and swirling black hole where his humanity should be, tbh

It's weird how such a hollow human being can produce normal sane children. I mean, thank goodness, my own children's father is like this.... smashing things up, pushing, shoving etc, verbal abuse, bit of gaslighting for good measure.

You were obviously self-aware to avoid ending up with another vacuum.

And yes, the label is neither here nor there, it's 'are you going to tolerate it?' that's the important part of all the threads on mn.