Advice needed - Jekyll and Hyde DH

[molehillormountain]

Hello all, I am looking for some objective advice on my relationship with DH. Sorry if it is a bit long.

Bit of background, been together for half of my life and we have a beautiful son. I am so happy in my life but I would say the only issue in it is DH in that he can be very inconsistent in his behaviour towards me - almost a Jekyll and Hyde.

For 60% of the time, he is loving, interesting, ambitious, exciting, supportive, a good listener, good advice giver, good lover. This is the DH I want to be married to.

But then something can set him off and his character changes. He has these angry outbursts over things which seem little to me - a teaspoon in the sink, a cup on the table. His unopened post on the side. He will sometimes get the rage about it and mutter things under his breath. He says I am lazy and that I just don't see things that need doing. FYI - the house is mostly spotless but I do like to relax and put a cup on the side sometimes! It makes me have a feeling of dreadfulness when he like this.

I will give you a snap shot of the weekend - please tell me, is it him, or am I being sensitive?

Went to a wedding reception on Saturday night. His friends were there and it was great to catch up with them and DH seemed to enjoy himself. I drove home and his mood completely changed. He went all distant and withdrawn and miserable. I asked if he enjoyed it and he said 'it was alright. Did you?' in a sullen manner. I told him it was really nice to see his friends. He didn't say much for the rest of the evening - just seemed pissed off.

I asked him the other day if he read the gas meter or if the gas man did. He exploded and said how could I not know, I have been living here for 5 years. He called me a pathetic child and told me to grow up. He said yes, all houses have gas meters and all grown ups have them. I tried to speak up to him but he stormed off and I could not defend myself. It was like there was a glass wall between us. I only asked a question! I literally feel powerless whenever I try and stand up to him. He texted the next day to apologise that he lost his rag, but i had presented him with a problem when he was in the middle of trying to do his work and the computer kept breaking down on him so he was frustrated. He said he does know I do other things that he doesn't.

Yesterday, I came home from work and when I walked in and said hi, there was no response. He looked very annoyed as he had been fined for not paying his VAT on time. Understandable for him to be angry. But he bangs hard on the laptop when it won't work and growls and it makes me jump and my heart race. He also lost his cool with DS when DS interrupted him (he is 3).

DH just doesn't like the mundane and wants a more exciting life. He would in an ideal world like to emigrate. In his head - it excuses his behaviour because he has made it clear he does not want to be here. But my feelings are - what if he is just an arsehole? how can i even contemplate moving away with him when every weekend I am walking on eggshells around him and wondering which DH I am going to get every day?

Thank you for reading if you have reached the end of this mammoth post! Would appreciate your comments.

Just because he comes home in a good mood doesn't mean the rest of the stuff didn't happen.

Or couldn't happen out of the blue.

BeCool said it upthread : it's meant to be confusing.

If you think you aren't worthy of a call to Women's Aid then why don't you try them out?

Should add.... If you are confused it is because you are being subjected to mixed signals. That's the whole point of the Jekyll and Hyde routine. You hold the times when he is nice in your memory and it makes it easier to make excuses for the times when he treats you like a dog. 'He's stressed'.... 'he's having a bad day'..... 'when he's being nice he's lovely'.....

I'll leave you with a quote..... 'never mistake the cessation of abuse for kindness'.

True annarose. It does feel like it redeems him in a funny way. But my feelings have changed for sure. I am not the lap dog I was. I feel numb towards him. I prefer to sleep in the spare room now and I sleep so well in there

He has come home in a good mood and now I feel guilty for coming on mumsnet about this. So confused!

Of course. That's just how he wants you.

'I feel numb towards him'

Good: you are emotionally detaching: that's only natural, and a result of his treatment of you.

Your next step should be about planning and information-gathering.

It won't hurt at all to discuss your circumstances with a solicitor. This will give you back some power.

Tell this pathetic twat to fuck off

You need to initiate a conversation with him in which you tell him to shape up pronto or ship out

Even if you don't believe he is abusive - you are are clearly unhappy, and that is plenty reason enough to end the relationship if you want to. You don't need his permission to be single.

I was married to a man i used to describe as Jekyll and Hyde as well. For 12 years.

I felt little more than relief when we finally split. Despite him being a very 'charming' man I was surprised to find out that people had seen a lot more than I'd realised. I was particularly surprised when an acquaintance, on being told we'd split, marched over to me, shook my hand and told me Congratulations! i wish I'd realised how much support i was going to get - I too kept thinking it was me making too much of it all. But this is abusive, this treading on eggshells, this desperate hope that nothing 'sets him off', and yes the relief and clinging to hope in one of their nice phases.

Ex had a mental health problem as well, which doesn't excuse any of it, but partly explains it. He refused to get any treatment during our marriage, but has done since, and has maintained a long relationship. I'm still relieved it's her and not me. I'm not saying this is anything to do with your DP though, quite the opposite in fact. Your DP is only like this with you. My ex did create problems for himself at work and with other people. It's the only slight mitigation for him that possibly he couldn't always help himself (the mental health issue). But if your DP saves this treatment for you and your son only, what does that say about it...

60% shit is about 59.9% too much shit for any relationship, any life, any home. And this stuff is, I assure you, complete shit treatment. You are not over-reacting, you are not inventing things, you are not intolerant of normal bad moods/bad days. Freaking out over a teaspoon, or a laptop having a blip, or his own fault with the VAT, or the million and one other petty little annoyances that every single person has in their life, is not ok and should not be minimised.

He doesn't like mundane life? Big news - who the fuck does? We don't all torment our other halves because of it.

sorry you said it was 40% shit, 60% good. 40% shit is still way above what anyone should choose to live with.

I can sympathise with your comment

He has come home in a good mood and now I feel guilty

But it's not uncommon for controlling people to cheer up no end, after they have dumped all their aggression on you, and made you miserable.

And I know that telling others triggers guilt. But you have to keep in mind that however cheerful he is, and however much he acts as if nothing's happened, it has happened: and there will be a next time.

The next time always comes. There's no point at which this cycle stops.

Thanks Trackrbird. I know you are right.

He has come home in a good mood and now I feel guilty

It's a cycle, and you are hooked into it. If this cycle didn't exist and wasn't so effective, you never would have married him/got involved with him.

But you are starting to detach, you are starting to ask the right questions here, you are slowly starting to see that it doesn't feel "right" because its not "right".

Keep posting, keep asking questions - we can all say LTB, but I know and I remember how for you it is a process! I celebrate that you have begun the process of unraveling this mess.

Do be aware though that there is no "answer", there is no way of understanding "why". It is extremely frustrating, and no doubt there is a long list of possibilities in your mind (his work, pressure, childhood, parents, mother, successful brother, he was bullied, he's depressed, etc etc etc) but none of these are the answers.

The answer is because he chooses to and because he can. just like you can choose to treat him respectfully and without needless angst and aggression. Just like you are an adult free to choose your behaviour towards him, so he is free to choose his towards you and your DC.

He got up and made the breakfast this morning, even though it was my day off work. Was as chirpy as you like.

In the past I used to forgive the tantrums because nice behaviour followed and it deemed what had happened non existent. Now, I am wary of even the good behaviour as I am expectant of what will happen next.

I know everything is going to come to a head soon.

of course he did.

You might find it useful to start noting moods etc on a calendar to see the pattern/remind yourself.

It can all be so confusing - I really wish I had done this as I think just a few little symbols on a calendar would have helped me make sense of what was going on.

• for make breakfast/extra jolly day

• for normal, calm reasonable day

• for moody, shouting, tantrum, nasty unreasonable day

""Is it really necessary for me to call women's aid? It will be hogging the line preventing someone who needs it from getting through.""

YOU are that person wh needs to get through. We all always think that there must be somebody being treated worse, it's only after you've left that you realise that those services exist and they were for you if only you'd realised at the time.

Hi OP,

Confusion is such a lethal state to be in - that's all I felt for months and months, even after I separated from my EA exH. No wonder you are confused. His behaviour is classic EA stuff, turning you inside out and upside down, while all you are thinking is 'How can someone who loves me do this?'

But it also seems that you are miserable, and dependent on whether he is going to be 'nice' or 'nasty' on any particular day. It makes you so unhappy and half of you can't believe that your emotional well-being is dictated by someone who can turn on you just like that. It's an outrage. I never believed exH would turn on me, but he did. It is horrifying and a huge part of you wants not to believe it is happening and to think that the 'old' H will come back. Don't spend long trying to pretend it is not happening. I am sure it is and that you are not dreaming. And I agree that it does get worse.

Have you talked about this to any of your close friends and family? I really recommend talking to someone in RL. You need other people to validate your feelings just because it is all so confusing and hard to pin down. And get the Lundy Bancroft book. It is eye-opening.

Good luck.

DH came home today and mentioned he lost his temper at work and punched the cupboard. He said he gets so frustrated when things don't work. He said his co-workers saw it

I asked him if he thought he had anger issues and he said no

He sounds just like my father when I was growing up. My mother and sibling would respond to the "nice" times and seem to forget the "nasty" times. I couldn't pretend they didn't happen and refused to play along (even as a small child I knew it wasn't fair !) so I got scapegoated.

Let me tell you how it played out.

My parents are still together 40+ years later. He still treats her like shit. She thinks he has "mellowed". No, he hasn't ...she simply lost her spark years ago and pussyfoots around him. They live only a few miles away but I have minimal contact with them. I can't stand their company, the falseness and the way he thinks he's a great guy and she fools herself. It makes me want to scream so I don't visit. I told my mum a long time ago exactly why. She just shrugged. They have barely seen their GC growing up and my mum thinks she is happy with the choice she made.

I hate him but I don't respect my mother for choosing to stay over and over when she had her chances to find a better life for her and her kids. Instead, she subjected her kids to him because she "loved him"

This is what will happen to you. Make plans for it, or make plans to get out.

I would interpret what he told you about his behaviour at work as a threat. He's telling you he's in a mood to punch cupboards..... so watch your step. Bet you've been extra careful around him.

Even more important to get yourself away and safe

I am sorry for your family situation Anyfucker and how it worked out. It obviously had a hugely negative impact on you-interesting to hear from the viewpoint of child victim now grown.

This won't happen to me. I have 'awakened' and realise from coming on here that this is not normal/healthy.

Things cannot drag along for the next 40 years - they have to come to a head within 8 months when I tell him my decision I will not be emigrating.

Cognito- I interpreted it that him losing his cool is not just directed at me. It is general pissed offness.

I don't expect my mother expected it to drag on for 40 years. She just lived for the next "nice" spell, turned around and several decades had passed

FWIW, my father never physically abused my mum (AFAIK, and I would know I think) nor his kids. The psychological effect of living with someone like that was plenty enough to do the damage.