Advice needed - Jekyll and Hyde DH

[molehillormountain]

Hello all, I am looking for some objective advice on my relationship with DH. Sorry if it is a bit long.

Bit of background, been together for half of my life and we have a beautiful son. I am so happy in my life but I would say the only issue in it is DH in that he can be very inconsistent in his behaviour towards me - almost a Jekyll and Hyde.

For 60% of the time, he is loving, interesting, ambitious, exciting, supportive, a good listener, good advice giver, good lover. This is the DH I want to be married to.

But then something can set him off and his character changes. He has these angry outbursts over things which seem little to me - a teaspoon in the sink, a cup on the table. His unopened post on the side. He will sometimes get the rage about it and mutter things under his breath. He says I am lazy and that I just don't see things that need doing. FYI - the house is mostly spotless but I do like to relax and put a cup on the side sometimes! It makes me have a feeling of dreadfulness when he like this.

I will give you a snap shot of the weekend - please tell me, is it him, or am I being sensitive?

Went to a wedding reception on Saturday night. His friends were there and it was great to catch up with them and DH seemed to enjoy himself. I drove home and his mood completely changed. He went all distant and withdrawn and miserable. I asked if he enjoyed it and he said 'it was alright. Did you?' in a sullen manner. I told him it was really nice to see his friends. He didn't say much for the rest of the evening - just seemed pissed off.

I asked him the other day if he read the gas meter or if the gas man did. He exploded and said how could I not know, I have been living here for 5 years. He called me a pathetic child and told me to grow up. He said yes, all houses have gas meters and all grown ups have them. I tried to speak up to him but he stormed off and I could not defend myself. It was like there was a glass wall between us. I only asked a question! I literally feel powerless whenever I try and stand up to him. He texted the next day to apologise that he lost his rag, but i had presented him with a problem when he was in the middle of trying to do his work and the computer kept breaking down on him so he was frustrated. He said he does know I do other things that he doesn't.

Yesterday, I came home from work and when I walked in and said hi, there was no response. He looked very annoyed as he had been fined for not paying his VAT on time. Understandable for him to be angry. But he bangs hard on the laptop when it won't work and growls and it makes me jump and my heart race. He also lost his cool with DS when DS interrupted him (he is 3).

DH just doesn't like the mundane and wants a more exciting life. He would in an ideal world like to emigrate. In his head - it excuses his behaviour because he has made it clear he does not want to be here. But my feelings are - what if he is just an arsehole? how can i even contemplate moving away with him when every weekend I am walking on eggshells around him and wondering which DH I am going to get every day?

Thank you for reading if you have reached the end of this mammoth post! Would appreciate your comments.

Indeed

Molehillormountain, I read your post last night and straight away I thought 'that sounds exactly like DH' - exactly.

The only difference being that he has never actually told me I am lazy and he hasn't punched cupboard in work. Other than that, it really really struck a chord. All of it.

So much so that I decided to read your post out to him. I said to him 'listen to this and tell me what you think'. When I had finished I said 'who does that sound like?' And he said 'me, it sounds like me'.
I said yes it really does, doesn't it.
Then I read out some of the responses to your post and he was very taken aback. I didn't read them all out but probably 10 or so.
He seemed quite shocked. He asked me did I think he was a bully. I said he certainly acted like one sometimes with his rages (like yours banging things, thumping table etc etc). I said I also often felt like I was walking on eggshells and that when I did something silly (like misplace keys for example) now my first thought is how will DH react.
He was really quite stunned. I have tried to say to him before that his bad temper and rages, often about inconsequential things, are creating a horrible atmosphere in our home.
But for some reason reading out your thread and the responses has struck a nerve with him.
He came home from
Work today and said he felt terrible and was ashamed.
I'm not sure what to make of it all now.
Does the fact that he has acknowledged his behaviour is bad, make any difference?
Like your DH, he is nice 60 or 70% of time. But he can lose his cool over nothing, very quickly.
I should say I have never felt physically threatened. Not sure if that matters.
Based on the responses you got to your post,I'm not sure what to think now.

My dad used to admit he had been horrible. He used to go on "nice" campaigns for a few days. I am sure he was very contrite to my mum. He bought her a puppy once.

Then he simply carried on with the nasty behaviour. Over and over until they are both in their 70's now with only each other to see the dysfunction. Imagine that.

Interesting bellsandthistles - I guess time will only tell if it really did strike a chord with him or not.

Anyfucker my ILS had that kind of relationship too.
Sadly h is like his dad.
Five days to go till divorce day. No more walking g on eggshells.

Good luck, arla

I'm not really sure what I think now. Funnily enough, my ILs are really lovely. They are happily married and I get on very well with them. They are both very kind people. As are DH's siblings. Although i think two of his sisters are also 'hotheads' on occasion. The other siblings are not.

I'm going to have another conversation with him tonight and be very clear that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and that a few days/weeks of acting really nice is not going to cut it. We have small DCs and I don't want them to think it is normal to behave lile this.

The other thing is I am well able to stand up for myself, I am certainly not someone who would be described as a shrinking violet. But this doesn't stop me 'walking on eggshells' to avoid rows and rages. Also, many of DH's rages are not necessarily directed at me, they could be about anything. But regardless it creates a horrible atmosphere. Sometimes I think DH doesn't see it as bullying because he thinks I am a strong minded person and able to 'handle it'. Not sure if I am making sense but I'm just running it over in my mind.

Arla, good luck with your divorce.

AnyFucker, that is very sad about your parents.
My parents also stayed married for life but they really should not have.
Not anything like we are describing here but other issues and just not suited. They should have divorced when we were kids. I wish they did.
I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the kids. I think kids are better off in a one parent happy home. And I will be very clear in telling DH this.

Bellsandthistles, good luck, I will be really curious how your dh responds, as my own sounds a little similar.
He would say he's just grumpy and stressed but he can be so very irritable and is especially narky about me doing things that I enjoy while he is at work (I am a SAHM) as he perceives that it is not fair that I get to do pilates/ badminton/ volunteer at school why he has top go to work. Maybe he has a point but theres no way his very well paid career would support him paying a more equal part in childcare.
Maybe I should start my own thread, I wonder but am afraid to start something.

For those of you with men who fly into rages over pathetic petty little things - even if it's not with you, even if you aren't scared on them - I lived with that for a loooonng time. I then made the mistake of getting into a relationship with a man who was quiet and calm - but gave me the silent treatment and sulked when he was cross. Almost as bad in another way.

These people aren't acting like grown ups. It's extremely wearing and depressing to live with them. Think very very hard about having to tolerate this behaviour for 20, 30, 40, 50 years.

I finally found out how it feels to be with a normal adult man shortly after I started seeing DP. I managed to lock us both out of his house, with his keys and both our phones etc locked inside the house. I remember shaking when I had to turn to him and tell him, physically shaking, waiting for the explosion because frankly it was a really stupid thing to do. He laughed. He called me a bit of a pillock. In a good tempered, jokey way. He said it was no big deal, don't worry. He gave me a hug. He walked down to the phone box and got a friend with spare key to come round.

THAT is what it is like with a nice, normal partner. People make mistakes. Things go wrong. Shit happens. You don't turn into a raving loon over it all. I'm just sad I was nearly 50 before I realised this was how I really deserved to be treated by my partner.

Hillyhilly, my DH would also say he is just stressed and grumpy. And that he finds it hard to handle our small children who drive him bonkers. But it's not just small DCs, who can drive me mad at times too, he has these moods over any random thing. Unlike yours though, mine would not be annoyed by me doing things I enjoy, he does encourage me to do nice things (I am on mat leave) during the day, he says he recognises how hard it is with a baby and toddler all day and that he could never manage it himself. He is also very generous financially and would never question how I spend money or on what. He'd be happy for me to buy nice clothes for myself and DCs etc.

Really my main issue with him is these moods and tempers. Losing the rag regularly over little things.

Newnamefo15 - you are right, I don't want to spend 20 or more years walking on eggshells and worrying about what will set him off. I crave peace and calmness.
Do you think it is not possible for a man like this to change? Does anyone believe these kind of issues can ever be resolved?

DH made DS cry when he told him mummy is taking you away - that was utter cruelty. Such vindictive manipulation alone would be worth a shot of poison in his soup!

He gets so frustrated when things don't work --- his way! Like with the tax or anything else. You, DS, the weather. Anything at all must be according to his way. His ego won't allow or respect anything else and the violence at work he told you about - well, that sounds a little like a threat to me. Don't you think? It is a choice rather than an anger issue according to his own version relayed through you. He denied having anger issues which implies he calculated the dramatic effect of swinging for that cupboard. Or, of course, he made the scene up to "impress" you with his malevolent point. As in: "hey, this might happen at home too if I get annoyed."

This man is abusive and quietly escalating. Just my opinion. I think you should start to worry just a little more about what is happening.

You'd be fairly crazy to consider emigrating with this man, though I think he is going to become more and more insistent on this in fairly quick time. Abroad he would have total control of you and the DC in every way.

Tipsy - I agree it was unforgivable what he said to our beautiful son. It really has made me look at him completely differently, how could he stoop so low.

I will let you know how the weekend unravels-this is usually when he gets irritable over things like 'mess'. Although I know he senses my distance from him so I expect he will be the model husband and dad. Still, this further highlights how the weekends have been based around his moods.