What was the last straw?

[MsRabble]

Have been thinking on and off for weeks I need to leave but for practical reasons I can't for a while so have to grin and bear it for now. However I'm not sure even if I had the means to leave tomorrow, I would just yet. He made me cry in front of (shocked) friends the other day and that should have been the last straw but maybe because I can't get out I'm making excuses.
So what was the last straw for you?

First of all, sorry about your situation! (hugs) I was just so so so unhappy for a while, it got to the point I didn't care about how I'd cope with money and things, I just knew I would cope, for the children. I'm not saying it was easy, but you just go into autopilot. good friends and family around you are a must, and don't be afraid to ask for help or accept help that's offered. Sorry for going on. Thinking of you. Xxx

Hang on in there MsR. Keeping up the pretense is hard but remember many of us have been where you are now and have got out to a much happier life. And you will too.

You don't have to tell him. You can just go as soon as you are ready and able. Could you take a credit card out in your sole name? Or have you got access to a joint one? Have you got anything you could sell? Would family lend you any money?

Or could you feign illness/family illness that meant you had to return to UK urgently?

My biggest regret is that I waited for that last straw. I so wish I'd left sooner. I hope you can get away soon.

I have spent the whole morning whilst lost in a cleaning frenzy fantasising about leaving him, telling him, telling my friends, what life could be like, where we might live, how I might have a new man in my life, how I might not, and just enjoy being single. How I might be able to have a laugh and not walk around with a permanent pissed off look on my face and feel like every time I remind him to do something it feels like nagging. How lovely it would be not to have that feeling of dread every time I need some extra cash. How lovely it will be to not be shouted down in every argument.
I'm reaching that point slowly, where I realise I'd be better off without him. I hope I can keep this thread going, as it's really helping me and I hope it helps others too.
How unbelievable that as I just get to the end of this message he's just said something that's brought tears to my eyes again. No. I don't want this.

Oh god I really want to tell someone in real life. I feel like I'm bursting. Is it a bad idea? Choosing who is hard because I'd rather not tell anyone who's likely to see us together any time soon.
So my next question - did you confide in anyone in real life before you left and if not how the hell did you keep it in?

I confided in my mother who was visiting at the time. I hadn't meant to but she encouraged me (though I didn't tell her about the violence, that stupid feeling of shame) and when I said I was waiting until after her visit to split up with him, she said take advantage of my being here, so I did. I was very lucky. I was only with him for a year and a half, I'm not certain how much longer I might have ended up staying if it hadn't been for my mother's support. It is always a very frightening step, but I was walking on air once he left.

Mine sounds so trivial. I was on a weekend away with relatives (not ex, he never came to family things) and we were walking back to cabin from restaurant. 3 couples, walking ahead, my daughter on a bike, and me on my own. The couples were all holding hands. I felt so lonely. It was like the culmination of nearly 20 years of being unhappy in the relationship. I text my friend, he said "I would hold your hand" and that was that. I told exH it was over 2 days later. (Friend is now my DH as well - little acorns and all!)

That's a beautiful story Happy , made me a bit welly!

MrsR I don't have anyone I can confide in either really, don't have any local friends around and not particularly close to my family. When I leave I think its going to come as a shock and surprise to many people.

I have also had lots of fantasies about being happily single again, I cant remember how it felt to be carefree, have slowly had my sense of self chipped away for 6 years and have become someone I don't recognise.

We can spend days just ticking along, while the elephant in the room (our failing relationship) just sits there. Then he will make some sarcastic or PA comment designed to infuriate me which I will now just add to the list rather than explode over, therefore taking away his power to keep making me look like the bad guy. Not sure how many more of those I can put up with though, maybe one of these will be the straw, who knows?

"Should you,did you confide in anyone"
Perhaps turn it around. Why not confide in someone not so close (as you have no close friends or family)
As you have said writing your about your unhappiness and the controlling abuse here on mumsnet has helped, then verbalising it to someone, anyone can help you. Just saying the words might give you huge strength and power.

I'm racking my brains who would be a safe bet to talk to. Most of the people I know over here know both of us and see us socially so it's dangerous territory. Even the ones I consider true friends would be put in an awkward position because of this and it wouldn't be fair on them to have to keep my little secret. I think ultimately that's why I turned to MN because I just don't know who to tell. But I am desperate to as I feel like I'm going a bit nuts. Every day he does something else, I am mentally listing them and every day I can't quite believe he thinks I am stupid enough to put up with it.

Don't mentally list them.
Write them down!

Ha - yes I should! I have a crap memory for remembering what we were arguing about so good idea.

My last straw was when ExH came home from work and it felt like I was letting a passing acquaintance who I didn't really like into my house. Dull, I know, bur sometimes it's like that...

My last straw was last week when he went away for a few days and I realised that when he was gone I was happy, stress free, and a nicer person. When I heard him come back into the flat I was filled with anxiety.

A thread on mumsnet that was running at the same time also has helped me enormously to realise that he is an abusive, horrible man and I am not to blame.

I'm still coming to terms with not blaming myself, as it's what I've done for 15 years. And I'm currently working on splitting up too. But I'm scared and feel weak and keep thinking I'm making a big deal over nothing. I know he will try and convince me to change my mind, he has always managed to manipulate me in the past when I've tried to break it off. I'm worried he'll do it again.

Whattheholy, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like myself when I'm on my own with the kids or with friends, but as soon as he's through that door I'm anxious and make any old excuse up to not be in the same room.
I've threatened to leave in the past in the heat of arguments, but obviously didn't really mean it but this time I'm more sure (but still not 100%) that I do, so I'm keeping it to myself until I actually have a proper plan in place.
I can't wait to tell him but I have doubts like you too, that I'm being silly, and he is very likely to not take me seriously when I make my announcement as he never usually does anyway. I just can't see him begging for us to stay, which is the part that saddens me the most. I doubt he will fight for us to stay together but who knows, maybe he he will when it finally dawns on him what's going to change.
I know it's way in the realms of future fantasy, but one worry is him moving on emotionally way before me, and him setting up with someone else. He's far more likely than me to shack up with someone else than I am and I just can't bear the thought, not just because I'm jealous, but it's the thought of him ending up happier than me at the end of this that makes my stomach churn. Of course it's going to be easier for him, he'll be free and single again with time to do as he pleases....me, I'll be that single mum with small screaming kids - who's going to want me? I don't mean that to sound heartless - I wouldn't be without them for anything in the world, I love them so much.

We are in pretty much the same boat then. Maybe we can support each other through this.

The only difference is that I do not care a jot if he finds someone else. In fact I hope he does, that means he truly is out of my life (relationship wise) and less likely to be difficult should I find someone else in the future.

To be honest though, I think I'm generally through with men. Apart from my little man of course!

Holy, I'll be here to hold your hand , we're going to need it. I have no idea where I'm headed and it is terrifying.
He's just come in, we've completely ignored each other in the most childish way imaginable, but I've no idea why he's ignoring me as I'm the one who was spoken badly to in front of others FFS. He's only ignoring me because I'm ignoring him and he will NEVER ever say sorry to take the first step to apologise. So bloody exasperating.
I wish I could think like you about your future(s), it sounds like you are a bit further along than me. I wish I could stop caring, it would be so much easier. Do you have kids, Holy?

Sorry, dur, you do - your little man

Still reading here mrsR. Sorry you are living this nightmare. I have had the weekend from hell with my dh, lots of periods of ignore. One word questions or responses. We had words on Saturday. Neither of us know what to do to fix things, I have spent all Sunday deep in thought. There is no other way than for us to separate. Felt absolutely gutted after realising this, have no idea how I am going to go about it either

Hi Hanith, sorry, I meant to reply to you directly. How did the conversation start on Saturday, did you instigate it? Did you address the possibility of separation, or has that not been mentioned yet? Was it a calm conversation or did it get heated?
I'm so sorry you can't see any other way to go, when you've invested so many years into it.

I absolutely refuse to approach H this time though. Why is it always me? He must know he's in the wrong or he wouldn't be doing this. It's not exactly the silent treatment, as there are certain things that need to and have been acknowledged, mainly about the kids, but he's certainly not offering more. Hate this so much. Life is too short for this shit.

Oh Rabble, please don't worry about a possible future relationship or not.

I spent seven years being single and enjoying and finding myself as a mum and a person in my own right, I spent that time making memories for my girls as they had had so much sadness in their lives. We created new traditions, we slobbed out on weekends building tents with bedsheets in the dining room and eating picnic lunches.

We had crazy 'fun shop' days where we went to the shops and bought all sorts of crap we always wanted to eat, chocolates, doughnuts, sweets, caviar (tiny jar), popping candy, giant cookies, French sticks and loads of cheese, canned squirty cream...

We began and maintain a tradition to go to the theatre during xmas and sometimes do cinema mornings, some days I get up and we just decide to go out randomly to museums or the park.

We have friends over, we have/go to sleepovers.

We have pyjama days and takeaway days or crazy cooking days when I cook everything we love or just loads of snacky bits.

We have fun parties and go to them.

Mostly we enjoy each others company. I'm very close to my girls because for a long time it was just us, I have a DP now and fits in, he enhances and joins in with the above and brings his brand of cheerful fun.

twatface remarried way before I did, he was having an affair with her whilst we were married. I found it hurtful that his seemed a bed of roses and I was struggling with two little kids and not much money.

But girlies have grown up, my finances have been sorted out and can only get better god willing, and I have a lovely DP who I'm glad came along when he did and not a second sooner as I wouldn't have been in a place to have a healthy relationship nor would my girls.

I know for a fact I would have non of this had I remained with twatface, he specialised in banning anything that gave me pleasure or happiness.

I confided in my best friend about my situation, altho I wasn't allowed to visit her we kept in contact by emails/facebook and phone. Later the emails and facebook messages were used in court as evidence to back me up and prove abuse.

You'll be fine, you'll be better than fine. xxx

Fuzzy, it sounds like you've given your girls a fantastic childhood, how lucky they are to have a mum like you who's obviously invested a lot of time, effort and love in them. The way you've written it sounds like that part in a movie that shows all the fun bits in sequence to music . I may be shedding a tear or so as it's particularly poignant for me that you're talking about the fun you're having with your girls. We have a boy and a girl and he shows DS so much more natural love and affection than DD. When he does it seems forced. I'd hate to think his behaviour towards her could damage her in some way, and her own future relationships. It's cyclical and it scares the hell out of me.
Thank you for helping me see another side to things.

I would recommend talking to people you trust in real life. Tell them what's been happening.

Today, I have told my best friend and my mum. Neither were surprised, both sounded relieved, and both hugely supportive. They both know (as most people I am sure) that I've been mistreated.

Anyway, them knowing seems to have given me power. I feel stronger and less in doubt about what needs to happen. I can't wait to get it done now.

My partner sent me a text, a really normal text, asking what we should watch tonight, what we should eat, and that he loves me.

After an horrendous night last night. But that is his trick. It used to work in making me second guess myself, make me feel like I'm going mad. But not any more.

I feel stronger now than I have I years.

MrsR, we started the day as usual, him ignoring things and going off to play his computer game (he immerses himself in this and ignores everyone else most of the time) dd is used to having conversations with the back of his head!

In the evening I just said we needed to talk, I was not happy, he indicated he wasn't either, so what do I want to do about it. Ffs we go round and round in circles. I never listen when he talks, he doesn't ever talk, unless forced into it, so I have no idea what he is on about. Nothing really got resolved at all. I spent a lot of time on Sunday reading some of the threads on here and online. There's still a tiny part of me that doesn't want to let this marriage go but we are so stuck in a horrible uncommunicative rut that I feel some time apart is needed. This is what I've told him this morning.

The problem with this is that I am now faced with the inevitable practical problem this poses. This is his house we are living in and I don't want to force him out of it, so I have to leave. Meaning I have to uproot my daughter again and the idea of this is killing me. She does not deserve it.

Loved reading that post fuzzy, reminds me of how I used to be before he came along.