What was the last straw?

[MsRabble]

Have been thinking on and off for weeks I need to leave but for practical reasons I can't for a while so have to grin and bear it for now. However I'm not sure even if I had the means to leave tomorrow, I would just yet. He made me cry in front of (shocked) friends the other day and that should have been the last straw but maybe because I can't get out I'm making excuses.
So what was the last straw for you?

Planning a holiday GF sounds like a great idea.

Are there no women's organisations in your host country who would gift or lend you the airfare.

Do your family at home know of your situation. If they do would they help.

My gran had no money, her husband was a gambler but she managed to squirrel a little bit away each week. So she had an emergency fund to feed her kids. All women should have an emergency fund. All the women In our family have learnt from my nan and have their emergency slush fund. Thank you nan!

A bit of guerilla warfare needed here OP. turn your sadness into anger and forming your action plan on how to get your hands on some money. It also helps to turn a powerless situation into one where you start getting some power back.

It sounds like you've made your mind up to leave now just see him as the enemy and how you are going to outwit him.

If I could only tell you what I got up to once I made my mind up he was going.......

I had been very unhappy for a while but we were on holiday with his parents ( something i had very little say in as they paid, we were skint and Ex H insisited I wasnt being fair on Dc denying them a holiday) - 4 th time in a row- ExH was walking in front with his parents ( the parents were walking hand in hand)-, my 3 Dc were walking behind them , and I was alone behind the lot of them- In that moment - despite being with 7 people I had never felt so lonely in all my life and simply knew if I turned around and walked in the opposite direction,, no one would even know I had gone!!

After that holiday I knew I would leave very soon, then 6 weeks later, 7/11 happened and I knew I had to leave or live rest of my life miserable-

Two weeks later I left aged 34 taking DC x3, and nothing else apart from their beds,- started again on my own and after a lot of hard work never been happier- Enagaged now to a wonderful man.

MrsNodge - filled up reading your story.

That feeling of being alone in your own family is just soul destroying.

Very glad to hear of your happy ending.

I've left abusive men twice but this third time I have children and unless you can earn money and work you are basically trapped, at least for a while anyway. I sympathise with you OP.

The first time I left wasn't when he was dragging me through his flat by my hair, I was naked and he was kicking me. I still stayed. I finally decided enough was enough when lying next to him in bed, he used to punch me if I twitched or moved even slightly. I must have fallen asleep but felt like I was awake and I couldn't move at all, felt completely paralysed and he was again punching me. That terrified me, I left the next day.

Second time, was early in the new relationship, DP freely admitted that he thought it acceptable to use the odd slap or punch to keep a partner in line, only to the female of course though. That was an easy decision to leave.

Third time I have DC and he's not violent. And sometimes it's not too bad (and sometimes he is). When you haven't even the money for the petrol for the car to make a new life it is tough. I'm working on it and will get there and I'm sure you will too.

Oddly, and probably not relevant, but all 3 abusive men went to all boys private schools. Don't know if there's something about the way they talk to boys about girls and respect there.

First post but couldn't lurk no more when this thread sounded so familiar. I had a few last straws I should has walked when the first happened ( he grabbed my throat when at his sisters when I didn't tell him I was leaving after he was shouting abuse at me infront of his family) his excuse??i made him angry when I went to leave

Second time after another argument he threw a drink in my face when I again didn't tell him I was leaving with his sister after he shouted at me again.....had me believe I caused the argument n made an idiot out of him infront of sister..... He truely made me think was my fault. He left me....

Last and final time......I asked to see the picture he was looking at on facebook....he refused to show me so I questioned whats the reason to refuse is looking at something don't want me to see??? He got up accused me of alwYs being paranoid, sick of me accusing him all time.....(erm then why not just show me the photo what was big deal and this was first I had ever questioned him since was getting on suspicious) he got up walked towards me when I was sitting down,threw drink in my face smashed the glass then when I stood up to push him away from me he put me in a chokehold (he said it was self defence from me) I knew then that unless I agree with him and never question him his behaviour was becoming more abusive and it was egg shells....he left that night and I now have a court case against him for assault. Even now he denies that's what happened and it was all me. I have since found out during the breaks from these events he was sleeping with other people and can now see I loved him n tried so hard to please him n make it work yet he never gave a crap n humiliated me in so many ways I was blinded and lost myself.

I'm back and just reading latest replies now. Mrs Nodge, what a sad realisation but what a happy ending for you, congratulations.

You guys are so brave to have left, I don't think I'm there yet.

I'm taking your advice about squirreling away some cash. The fact I couldn't even get myself to the airport let alone on a flight is bad. I don't even have a bank account here. I can stuff some notes into a safe place though in case. I'm not in the ME by the way, so no issues there about being disadvantaged as a woman.

Since the crying in public incident, I could see there were a few tinges of guilt there but he never ever says sorry. He brought me a cup of coffee in bed, which might not seem much to most people, but he never normally does that so I read it as a sign. Then during an outing with our visitors, we had a few minutes to ourselves and he asked me why I was acting distant - hate it when he does that, as if he can't possibly make the connection. Anyway I told him calmly and honestly how much it hurt me and that our friends would never do that to each other, let alone in public and he seemed to get that point but he just seemed to want to gloss over the details and "start being nice to each other again". Thing is I never stopped being "nice"...

I can see he's trying to make things better but I still live in fear of the next time and i don't know whether I should bring it up again or just let it lie, since I have to wait. When he's in a good mood, he's great company so I momentarily forget and move on, and then kick myself the next time he loses it. I'm sure this is a familiar pattern.

Very familiar.

For me there just came a point when he'd said he would change (and not changed) just one too many times. It felt like there were several 'last straws' that built up over about 18 months until I was ready to go.

The first time I knew it was over was over a silly argument about washing up. I just knew that the person I was when I got married to him would not put up with what he was saying.

Did he actually say those words, that he would change? Did you think he felt remorse for his behaviour? Mine sort of refuses to admit it in the first place, don't know which is worse.

Yes, said he would change. Over and over. But when he was in a bad mood he couldn't see it and wouldn't admit it.

Navy, I'm glad you had the strength to get out. Mine doesn't even have the humility to admit fault in the first place, think that's my answer there. I'm an idiot for allowing this to happen, I keep thinking my friends would never put up with this.

Mrs rabble

Do you and your dp have plans to move back to the uk?

Did your dp encourage you to move so you were isolated do you think? Do you have funds to enjoy yourself with the dc whilst he's at work?

Did he want the dc, encourage you to have them?

My last straw was seeing my face in the mirror in the bathroom, one too many times after I'd hidden myself away for a good cry.

I had no plans made, but I knew that I couldn't take any more . A week later I told him I was leaving. Thankfully we had no children together.

I knew I would be leaving everything, my home, my friends, everything.

And it was the best thing I ever did!

Hi Quitelikely.

Yes the move abroad was only temporary. I'm waiting till we're back to see what the situation is like then as I can't possibly do it now.

I don't think H deliberately wanted to isolate me, although I know that's a sign of EA. However I feel a bit missold on the move. It's not quite as cushy as we originally thought. I am definitely not a leisure and lunch expat wife, put it that way. I struggle to imagine he engineered that though but I could be wrong. That's not why I'm unhappy though.

Yes we both wanted DC. I used to work FT but he said I could quit if I wanted if we came here, which I did. I wonder if he dislikes the fact I am not earning, but that was part of the deal.

My last straw - buying a bloody kettle !

A whole afternoon spent wandering around a lovely city centre full of fabulous shops. But no kettle was good enough for him; too cheap looking, too plastic, too metalic, too middle class (wtf?).

In the end we trudged home empty handed. I had put up with years of emotionally abusive crap from him, but for some reason everything was suddenly crystalised. My opinion didn't matter; nothing easy was ever easy; he called the shots;, he had an opinion on EVERYTHING; he was a miserable, soul-destroying git.

Fortunately no dc or marriage - left everything to get away from him. It's years ago but I still feel warm and happy at the thought that, for me, he no longer exists.

There are so many happy endings like that on here, it's lovely to hear about things working out. Good on you, worldgonecrazy.

It's curious how the most mundane of things can make you see the light. Happy for you, dusters!

After a recent reconciliation (less than 2 months) after i drafted divorce petition, on being told my stbxh didn't love me, but 'cared for me'. I find out that he has been having an affair with a woman he has gas lighted me over for a number of years. He has declared he 'really loves her', and they've spoken about their feelings for each other but nothing has happened as they are both married . I'm obviously now changing my petition to adultery and I won't be anywhere near as amiable as the first time round

Hi Ms Rabble. My final straw was a heartfelt apology. One that I recall hearing many times. "i promise you honey it will never happen again.'
I knew I was the fool if I stayed.
I was in your position, on the other side of the world from my friends and totally scared to leave. But then I realised my precious life was drifting away with an awful man. It took all my courage and a little bit of organising but not much in the end to leave. My family were not all that helpful as they didn't understand what I had been through. But through the magic of the internet I sorted out benefits and a new bed. Which was all we had along with a suitcase each for my two children and I.
We made it. I told myself just get on that plane and it will all work out.
It is not easy, but neither is living in misery.
I am so grateful I made the move!
Kia kaha, stay strong.

Umbrellabird, thanks for sharing your story, you are very brave and very inspiring. It sounds extremely tough, especially if you didn't have much support but well done for getting on that plane and glad you did the right thing. Are you still miles apart from your ex? How is his relationship with the kids? Only if you want to share, of course.

Oh Ms Rabble, I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time. For some reason, a lot of guys leave the UK and turn into twunts!
When we were in Bahrain, my last straw was when his boss made a sexist remark about me in front of me and my DH laughed too. This was after 'giving' my just an hour of his precious time on my BIRTHDAY! He spent the time on his blackberry. It was lunch, but he'd already ate, like a lemon I was sat there with my salad as he took emails etc.

I'm still in the Middle East, in Oman, if you need even just someone to talk to in RL, I'll be there like a shot.

Hi Ms Rabble, yes we are still miles apart but only because he has taken another job overseas, his relationship with the children is good and bad..due to his issues but they still love him and are actually on holiday with him at the moment. I think one of the toughest things about leaving is the good times..we had a lovely home, lots of trips and laughter and fun times, plus I loved that we were a family more than anything, he certainly wasn't awful all of the time at all. Mostly people thought we had a good marriage. But one week out of a month or sometimes only one month out of a year would be bad. Which in the end was enough.

Thank you MsRabble The one thing he didn't get was the cat, and somehow that seemed like a major triumph in a very difficult time.

Thank you Millions, I will PM you

My last straw was trivial. He often got ranty and argumentative I'd get cross, then upset, then guilt ridden and try to 'fix it' with loads of attention.
This pattern was ludicrous. He even would fake I'd slighted him just to get me so grovellingly attentive (yuck).
One day, I was DOING LAUNDRY and he was on some patronising tirade about me having gone to a party at a friends house (months before and I'd heard it before). I realised I was planning how best to 'make it up' before he'd even lost the plot.
So leaning into the washing machine I resolved to:

1. Not justify having my own friends again.
2. To never apologise for 'me' again.

It was weak of me, I knew I wanted him to leave 'his decision' if you like. But I knew he would. He did frequently to get me grovelling/ punish me.

The result. Well the arguements dried up for a couple of weeks because I just had no answers for him he could twist. I didn't ask him to do anything , I didn't 'excuse' things like a late bus or say I was sorry about housework not done. I didn't make any plans.
When he did freak out (i pointed out we couldn't afford something) he said "clearly" he'd have to divorce me (I think he wanted to have me weep and plead)so he could spend his own money. I said so calmly, ""If that's how you feel. It'd be best for all if you left". He was shocked and aggressive. But I must admit, the part of me that had detatched was laughing in a cold way.
So he toddled off to his parents. so began a lenghty process.

I wish I'd turfed him out in that moment of clarity though. At least i actually filed for divorce in the end. Writing down my reasons was some cathartic type of therapy.