What was the last straw?

[MsRabble]

Have been thinking on and off for weeks I need to leave but for practical reasons I can't for a while so have to grin and bear it for now. However I'm not sure even if I had the means to leave tomorrow, I would just yet. He made me cry in front of (shocked) friends the other day and that should have been the last straw but maybe because I can't get out I'm making excuses.
So what was the last straw for you?

FuckyouChris, I have had that conversation too, or similar -

Me: are you happy?
Him: yes.
Me: I'm not, I am really unhappy.
Him: well what do you want me to do about it?

Ummmm. Care? Ask me why?

Last straw though was realising that my DCs (from previous marriage) were also unhappy and would probably a) prefer to live with their dad (who they see & love), b) tell me when they are grown up how miserable their childhood was, or c) both of the above. I couldn't live with either of those and so he had to go.

Now I have a DP who woukdn't dream of treating me like exDP did, who respects me, is kind and caring to my DCs, has well adjusted DCs of his own, and who is lovely to be with. If I ever told him I was unhappy he'd be devastated. When I tell him some of the things exDP used to say and do, he is shocked and asks me why I put up with it for so long. I can't really answer other than to say I wish I hadn't! And I wouldn't again.

So good luck to you OP. There are kind and wonderful men out there, once you've spent time refinding yourself. Do spend time doing that, it's so worth it. I got my self-worth and confidence back. Never look back.

and for you.

the last straw for me is when I hit him back. (almost never stopped) like I was so upset that he had reduced me to his level.

the last straw should have been the first time he hit me.

before that he was just verbally abusive. I should have gone then.

Many years ago a neighbour who had just come home from hospital with her new baby. She felt so weak that she couldn't stand. Her DH actually stood behind her propping her up at the cooker so she could cook for him. She told me that decided her.

Oh Rabble you'll get there

It is really really hard but you will. Just telling one or two very trusted people and chewing it over can help you get your head into a different mode.

I had quite a few last straws that added up to the thatched roof as mentioned above - among them:

When he shamed me in front of friends to preserve his own image (more than once).

When I desperately needed help with a work issue and he went to sleep while I was talking to him.

When I needed him to take/fetch dd2 once a month from club because I was in a different city working and he had a tantrum about it.

When I realised that the only reason things were going well was because I had stopped disagreeing with him or challenging him. (I tested the theory and next time I disagreed it turned into a row of epic proportions)

When he let me sit and take verbal shit from a family member (HIS family) in front of everyone at xmas, and I was actually defending him as part of this, and he wandered off and left me there to deal with the onslaught alone.

When he persistently, deliberately made dd2 think of me as a booby prize and made her cry if it was my turn to put her to bed.

Loads more.

So sorry to hear about others far more awful experiences than mine though

I can't just go to the airport. I have kids, enrolled in a foreign school, don't have any income or savings. I can't live here independently either because of restrictions.
How did you deal with the thoughts of the kids not seeing their dad every day, or grandparents, or aunties, uncles etc on his side that they are close to? It's too overwhelming right now to imagine.
I don't know who to tell. I can't imagine saying it out loud. Obviously the cat is out of the bag now with the couple who witnessed the incident that made me cry but I'm not close enough to them to talk about it. I wonder what they are thinking though, because they are friends with him too.
Is it worth having relationship counseling or something? Not that I can imagine him being up for it, he'd laugh it off. Is it worth me telling him I'm planning to leave to try to change his behaviour, or should I stick it out until we're out of here? I don't know what the hell to do and in which order.

Yes, it all seems overwhelming right now. But you can do it. Just tackle one thing at a time, and then eventually it's all sorted, all falls into place. The hardest step to take is the first step: then the rest follows. Doesn't really matter what order you tackle it all in. Just as long as you start somewhere.

(No, relationship counseling with a man who would just laugh it off is not any use. And nothing you do can get him to change: only he can do that.)

So it's going to take a while, but you can make steps towards it...

I would generally say yes to trying relationship counselling - even if it doesn't 'fix' the relationship and you end up leaving, it gives you a context in which you can say the things that are upsetting and hurting you in a way that may be more likely to be heard.

Don't threaten to leave unless you mean it though or he will laugh at that too in the future.

That couple - you may not know them well enough but, if you mentioned it to one of them, you might find that they would say they found it terrible and be supportive... I remember a friend (who became a much better friend later on) storing up something shit that exh had done in her company and telling me about it years later when we split up. She said she knew there was stuff wrong then and had always wondered but had not wanted to pry. So you never know, they might have seen his true colours and be wondering what the hell to do for you.

Try to put on hold for now the worry about bigger stuff like extended family/contact arrangements now - that stuff you can work out over time. worry only about yourself and your dc's and what is in front of you. I think first you need to get a lie of the land. How long have you got in this current situation? What steps can you take while you are 'stuck'? Can you start to raise some issues (even if you know it's done) book the counselling and maybe set aside money for emergency plane fares? Can you get strategic and remove yourself from potential situations where he does this kind of shit to you? What is he like with the dc's? Can you get a hobby and connect with more people at any time?

Incidentally, the extended family I gave a shit about have over time come to understand how difficult he was and still have a lovely relationship with the children.

Sixandtwothrees - I have threatened to leave in the past but obviously they were empty threats so he'd never believe me. The hardest part is play acting until I am in a position to go.
There is no way I can save money as the housekeeping I get barely covers what we need, there is nothing left. I could live even more frugally if I had to but that would mean cutting contact with my social circle even more (and it's minimal now) but if I have to do that I think I can.
The only way to remove myself from those types of situations where he humiliates me in front of others is for me not to be part of it, simple. But that won't be play acting and I think I have to for my sake and the children's.
The couple in question - they are on holiday visiting us. I feel like I've ruined their holiday and feel like I have to keep things going just for them. I don't want to have a further meltdown in front of them. I don't know if I can confide in either of them. What makes it so poignant for me is that they are such a nice couple and show all the right signs of caring for one another, always checking the other is ok and if they need anything, being affectionate. They must be able to see we don't have any of that.
Thanks for putting me at ease a bit about the extended family. I think they may suspect a bit about us anyway so maybe they won't be so surprised.

I feel so, so sad for you :-( it is awful feeling so trapped.

How long do you have left where you are?

On the money - do you have a credit card? Basically any source of emergency money? If not could you apply for one? (That was my strategy in the end).

If they are visiting you I really think you could talk to them about it when he's not there. It may even lighten the atmosphere instead of keeping it together and trying not to ruin their holiday... They sound like nice people. Even if you just said 'I'm sorry about the other night if it made you feel awkward.' something simple like that can really open up a much richer conversation. But if you really don't feel ok talking to them then fair enough.

It's not clear at the moment, perhaps another six months. I can't apply for a credit card because I've been out of the UK for too long. Any overdraft I have access to is not going to be enough and I have no income to ask for an increase. Properly trapped.
I might find a sneaky opportunity to say something to the couple, or at least one of them. If I speak to him, he might be able to tactfully say something to H without it being obvious. He's a very caring person naturally so even though he'll be on H's "side" I think he would want to help rescue things if he can. I have no idea what she would say in response.

It depends what you want out of speaking to them - I was assuming you might want some reassurance and support rather than for them to actually talk to him about it, but perhaps that would give your dh a wake up call. I don't know.

Very difficult re the money then... Six months is not too long, it might feel horrendous but you could explore other options during that time.

What might your situation be then would you be back in the UK? Would you be able to earn then? This might be a bit of a long game.... But worth it in the end if he is making you feel this shit.

I'm gonn ahave to go to bed now though as falling asleep on the keyboard will check in tomorrow

Thank you for chatting to me

Maybe talking to myself but it doesn't matter! I am crying now, and can imagine him saying to them "oh she's just depressed since we came here" and brushing it off as my issue, nothing to do with him. I have to pull myself together.

I don't want to give too many details but thanks, I will look into any organisations that may be able to help or offer advice.
I feel the same as you did, I just want to avoid his company as much as possible.

Two last straws:

I'd found out about yet another person DP had cheated with, and after some hysterical bonding I asked him to promise not to do it again and he said, "No, that would be boring."
I realised if he'd been faithful to me for a while it wasn't as a matter of principle as he let me think, it was because no one else had caught his fancy or perhaps he just hadn't had the opportunity.

My DF gave me an old table and I was talking about where I thought it should go in the new house we'd just bought together. DP said no, it had to go where he wanted it or he'd leave.
I remember knowing then absolutely clearly that this wasn't a relationship I wanted to be in. The whole thing was founded on lies or misunderstandings he had deliberately cultivated.

I was terrified I couldn't cope on my own and it took me another year but I got out.

Your DH sounds horrible and I hope you find the strength and the practical means to get away soon.

Ok so he's humiliated you in front of friends and now you say he's financially abusive as you barely have enough to cover the housekeeping.

This should be your last straw.

If you honestly can't escape before and have to wait out the 6 months, plan instead for when you are back in the UK as to how to escape your abuser then.

MsR, the couple will have noticed, and that's not your fault.

Do you have anything you could quietly sell to get some cash together (wedding rings spring to mind!)? 6 months is about the time I had between deciding to leave for good and actually leaving.

I used the time to sort somewhere to live, to plan, and to emotionally detach. As soon as I didn't care what he said or did, life was a lot easier. But that feeling of getting away was amazing.

I had to laugh in his face when a few months later (having had all the "if you go now that is it for us" speeches from him) he was asking us to rekindle things since I'd "had enough time to sort yourself out".

Keep talking on here, but try to talk to people in real life about how you have no money, he humiliates you, and you need to leave but feel trapped.

Why do you not have enough housekeeping? Why not ask for or campaign for more so you can put some aside. However if the currency is not useable in the UK at least you can use it for something in Country.
I assume you are expats and UK citizens. He has a contract. From what you say you are probably in a Country that will not be sympathetic to you as a women.
Do you expect to return to the UK in 6 months on a normal family holiday. If so you need to plan for that. You must try and involve friends and family back home for your escape when you are back in the UK.
You might get some practical help on the living overseas board here on Mumsnet.

Good morning rabble, how are you doing today? Definitely agree with others that the next few months are to plan for what you are going to do when you get back to the UK. And that counselling would help you get through it...

And honestly when you start talking to people (e.g. family/friends back home), even if you think they won't understand, they often do, or they have their own story to tell, or they say they never realised how awful things were and wished you'd told them before. And then you might feel you have something to come back TO if you get me.