What was the last straw?

[MsRabble]

Have been thinking on and off for weeks I need to leave but for practical reasons I can't for a while so have to grin and bear it for now. However I'm not sure even if I had the means to leave tomorrow, I would just yet. He made me cry in front of (shocked) friends the other day and that should have been the last straw but maybe because I can't get out I'm making excuses.
So what was the last straw for you?

A Toblerone!

He gave me £20.00 to do the grocery shopping as he was far too busy, but we'd run out of food and he'd taken all my money i.e. wages.

He wouldn't allow me to learn to drive so I had to take the bus and carry heavy grocery bags, e had learned to drive (using my money) he had a car (bought using my money).

I have a crazy sweet tooth, Toblerone were doing a limited addition fruit and nut version, I bought a small one.

He went thro the receipt found the Toblerone and screamed at me.... that bar of chocolate stayed in the fridge till I got him out of our life and then I chucked it away. I cannot bear that brand of chocolate to this day (been eight years).

It took a major assault a few days later for me to have the legal ability to get him out of my house but that Toblerone was the proverbial straw...

Well done Flora!!!

fuzzywuzzy what a shame that such a dickhead has ruined perfectly nice chocolate for you.

He sounds horrendous

fuzzywuzzy he has actually done you a favour as Toblerones are one of the previously-yummy chocolates which have been mucked about with and are now disgusting.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

The thing about leaving a monster, is how my current partner sometimes takes me breath away, I walked in to the house last night and he had done the dishes from this morning, he hadn't even been in the house the dishes were mine and kids from a crazy rushed breakfast.

But there he was doing just finishing up the dishes ready with a cheery smile and a 'what can I do?' as I began preparing the evening meal.

Ex would NEVER EVER have lifted a finger.

Sometimes DP walks into the house going what did you say your favourite chocs were whilst handing me a box of them for no reason at all.

I wasn't allowed to eat chocolates when married to ex...

It's the contrast between a normal loving caring human being to the thing I lost a decade of my life trying to appease.

On the other hand, I can utterly appreciate the quirky, cute, funny utterly darling partner I now do have and fight over cake with!

Leave, life is too long to spend with a person who is wilfully trying to make it a hellish place for you.

Jeez, Fuzzy, your ex makes mine seem like a saint, you weren't allowed to drive or eat chocolate??? Horrid and thank god you got out. Can't believe he checked your receipts. Good riddance toblerone!

Your new man sounds amazing, when I read stuff like that it's like reading about a parallel universe - can't believe it exists. Have you seen the other thread about nice things your partner does for you? It makes me sob! Things I can't ever imagine having in a relationship.

Don't know why I am reviving this thread, just need to share for whatever reason. Maybe no one will read but it doesn't really matter.

Since the crying in public incident a few weeks back, which SHOULD have been the final straw, had I been in my home country and had the means to run away, but it wasn't, for other reasons since we are living abroad...so I've been living a plastic life since then, trying my best not to argue, stir, or mention anything in order to avoid discussions and keep the peace. I just don't want to talk about it with him since I don't think anything will change.

He is acting like everything is OK, since a short post-incident chat, but it really isn't. I think he thinks since that chat everything is back to normal, even though he humiliated me beyond belief and I told him so. I can't bear him to touch me or kiss me and I know when he does it's only because he wants more and it makes me feel ill but I feel like I have to either go along with it or just avoid it, like I have been lately (such as making excuses about not going to bed yet, or having to email late at night etc.).

I hate keeping up this pretense but am totally stuck. I keep clinging to the fact maybe he'll finally twig that his behaviour has been out of line and that's why I've been so distant but I don't think it ever will. It does feel like something is brewing here though, and that he will pull me up on it if I keep avoiding him at night for much longer. I don't know what I'll say when he finally wants to know what's going on, because it means either being honest and say things are not working and risk a very tricky situation for me and the children abroad or being economical with the truth and pretending for a bit longer until we are home and dry.

Just needed to air it because I haven't told a soul in real life and they wouldn't understand anyway even if I did.

I feel for you. I have recently made the decision to separate from my loser husband. The horrible, selfish idiot.

I still have al the logistics to consider ... they're re job, living arrangements, affordability, schools etc.

I am done in but feeling strangely better since I decided for sure. I feel that the absolute worst is over for me now. Thanks be to god.

I don't know for usre what the future holds but it sure as hell cant be as bad as my past/present.

I don't think they twig .. certainly not my 'DH' - to me if you want something, truly, you do your best to get it with the resources/tools/skills you have at your disposal and if they're not available then help should be sought. He simply chose not to have sex with me, not provide the support I needed when I had a near breakdown, chose to interpret as threatening my suggestion that I look at developing a new career path if things don't improve in the next year with current job; the list is endless. Putting his siblings needs/suggestions before mine, not discussing important stuff with me... the list goes on.

I digress, big time.. I agree about others not understanding. I would put to you though, do you need them to? Do you have to understand the major decisions they make in their lives or do you accept them as something they have decided in a rational manner? Hope you don't think I am being cheeky - its just they cannot fully understand your marriage, if you know what I mean. they can only ever imagine, based on their perceptions and life experiences..

You are strong. Listen to your heart. Let your head work out logistics. I hope that this provides some encouragement to you or helps you galvanise your position

I sincerely hope I have not been clumsy in my reply .. my own experiences are pretty raw x

My final straw was small. We had to clean our eurocamp caravan thing before we left and he, with a shrug, cleaned the sink with the same cloth he'd just used to clean the toilet.

(A few things about this story baffle me now: how come he was cleaning at all? That was women's work and he had carefully, over time, made it very clear what was expected of me. All I can think is he was a master at looking good. That, and who he really was was hidden even from himself behind a bit rock.)

He who was so fastidious, so exacting; laying down the moral law at every turn (especially to me). In that moment I looked at him with contempt in my heart. His days were numbered (I'm making this sound trivial: it, or he, was anything but: a mindbending, terrifying abuser. Who, incidentally re pp, also went to an all boys public school).

Posting too late! Wishing you well, OP xx

Meoryou, gosh your list of issues in your relationship just sounds so familiar, and the more EA or LTB threads I read, the more things ring true and reinforce what I'm feeling and what is happening.
I'm still in the hoping things will improve phase though because I'm not ready to face the awfulness of full separation yet.
Re understanding though, I mean more in the sense of having a real life person or friend just to listen to me. Maybe they wouldn't get it, especially if they know H, because he puts on such an Oscar winning performance as wonderful and charismatic husband. But I know what you mean, and if it finally comes to splitting up, I'm not going to justify it to anyone because I feel I have to. That's something I've learnt from here btw!

Springdaffy, interesting what you say about that type of behaviour and public schools - my H did too. Is there a link there? I will have to search previous threads for discussions as I wasn't aware or hadn't made the connection in my head.

The first time I should have left was when we were dating. He suggested a breakfast date - was supposed to meet me at 7 a.m. I called him at that time and he was still in bed sleeping, but said he'd get ready quickly. I called him every 15 minutes for about two hours to see if he was ready yet, and finally got really upset at him saying "I've been up since 6, and waiting for two hours, and this entire thing was YOUR idea. If you don't want to go anymore you should just SAY SO." He got up and we went.

Fast forward 8.5 years of marriage and two children later (with him having an extreme pornography/pregnant fetish, years upon years of him ignoring his family and getting us into loads of debt)...the final straw was this:

We had been not getting along...as usual, and ex suggested we take the children away for the weekend for some family time. He doesn't have his own visa because he had gone bankrupt previously and wanted me to put it on mine. I clarified that if this was going to happen, that I wanted him to give me the money for it to put back on my visa the same day. He agreed. So we booked the trip and a little while later I asked him to do the transfer. He kept saying "not right now." He was also on his computer with the screen turned away from us and I went over to look. He had transferred the money but didn't provide the answer to the secret question (the question being "Female dog") so that I could accept the funds, because he was mad I went over to him. Then he wouldn't give me the answer for another few hours...and when I did receive the answer it was "Bitch10." We got into a fight and he ran off to his office to work...and when I asked if we'd still be going on the trip he wouldn't answer. Wouldn't say what time he'd come home. Also hung up on me when we were on the phone.

He sent a last text to me around 11 p.m. which I ignored and went to bed. He came into our room around 1:00 a.m. and I snapped at him asking why he was there. "I came to check on you," he says. I told him to get the hell out and sleep on the couch. The following day I told him to leave, and he did (but he begged forgiveness and tried to change my mind). After he left I looked at his google account and found out he had been googling 'divorce' and 'who gets to stay in the house' - so his begging and asking for forgiveness was a cover to not lose the comforts of home when he realized he would be the one who had to go.

Before this incident I was looking at my children thinking "I don't want my kids to be treated the way that I am, or turn out to be like their father." Also - I couldn't look at him any longer without feeling hatred. So that was it for me and I haven't looked back. Four months down the road and he's still trying to worm his way back in, but I completely ignore him about everything except matters pertaining to our agreement (maintenance & access etc).

Oh...and I'll be serving him with divorce papers in the spring - the thought of which fills me with joy! Can't wait!

Stay strong MsRabble. You have your plan, if something seems to be brewing you may have to execute it sooner than planned.

For all of you going through the mill

and hugs.

For me the final straw was when my grandad was taken to hospital after a fall. My ex drove me there, but refused to come up to the ward - "it was awkward" - and then snarled "don't take too f-ing long".

I walked up the stairs to see my lovely grandad and thought "this man really does not have my best interests at heart".
In fact he's been EA for three years and had hit me twice, but that was the final straw.
I still had to have counselling for a month to build up the courage to leave, but I did and have really never looked back.
Now with amazing dp who has never ever raised his voice to me, never said anything remotely mean (ex used to undermine me all the time) and always has my best interests at heart.
Msrabble there is another life out there for you, and you will get there.
For me counselling helped enormously in giving me the strength to leave. Is that something you can access in your country?

Currently waiting for the final straw to snap here.. I know it won't be long.

Thank you Millions, knowing you are "rooting" for me and others like me means a lot! Every day it feels a step closer...mentally.

Hanith, are you still hanging on there for a miracle about turn? It's sad to know a last straw is coming but if it cements what you already know and means a change for the better, good luck.

Bluejelly I'm full of admiration for you. I would like to be able to say the same in a few months' time. I'm not going to look into counselling while I'm here. However from the looks I got tonight from the company I was with was enough to tell me WTF am I doing with this man...he has zero respect for you and shows no support for anything that you do, even when that means his own children and the love and care I provide for them. So sad right now.

MrsRabble, it's been going on for too long for there to be a miracle turn around now, something inside me has died now and I cannot get back that love I once felt for him.

For me I just knew I wanst happy and didn't want to be with him anymore so I ended it- no final straw- there were plenty of bad times but it wasn't until I reflected on our history as a whole I knew it was over

You will get out MsRabble, don't ever lose sight of that. It's just a question of time/timing. I was absolutely terrified of telling my ex I was breaking up with him, really anxious. But once I did, I felt amazing I really did. The relief!
And yes there were some wobbles along the way, but I just knew I had to find a life where I didn't have to justify/defend myself all the time, where I could just be me. And I did, and I am. And one day it will be you.
Don't lose faith in yourself whatever you do.

My ( long overdue) final straw was my STBEH kicking off into a violent rage at the hotel we were staying at, going back to our room to smash it up before storming out leaving me stranded with no money or my train ticket to get home.

Far from the first time he'd acted like that ( we were together 14 years) but something inside me said 'enough' and I knew it was the last time After years of trying to leave only to go back to him time and time again I just felt overwhelming relief knowing that never again would I go back.

I finally found the strength and courage to block all communication with him, ignore all his threats etc and get him out of my life for good.

Recovering from all those years of abuse has been a long and very difficult journey but not once have I regretted leaving- only not doing it sooner.

I often think of that day and the the magnitude of relief I felt that finally, at last, I was done with him.

Because in the midst of it all, i honestly thought that day would never come. That I would never find the strength to get away and stay away for good. I was so close to accepting that as my life.

So in a twisted way, I suppose it was one of the best days of my life. Bet not many could say that about a day that included a large plate of chicken tikka being aimed at their head in the middle of a packed restaurant