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Original poster

Suspicions re DP and OW - AIBU?

96 replies

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:25

DP is friends with his mates DP. I know the couple and we all use to doube date. The couple recently broke up. Woman was devastated (long relationship and only one she had really been in, now approaching 30).

This woman has started to talk to my DP on a regular basis, granted, mainly about her break up. I found this slightly odd, as although they did previously talk, they never really messaged anything other than 'what time shall we meet you guys (as in me as well) for dinner' etc, for organisational purposes. I decided not to say anything about the increase in chat because from what I had seen on messages popping up on the ipad etc, it was nothing untoward, and I didn't want to be a posessive and insecure DP - it's not attractive.

However, a few weeks ago, I find that my DP discussed an argument me and DP had had. Although he had not said anything overally hurtful about me (though the point of view he put across I would onvsiouly contradcit), this woman proceeded to lay into me somewhat and called me some names. My DP avoided answering directly (I asked to see the entire conversation). I told him I don't mind him talking to this woman but in future please do not duscuss me and him and any of our arguments with her. That was the ned of the dicsussion and I went back to trusting my DP.

Last Saturday we are watching tv and I am on the ipad. A message from this woman pops up, saying 'Are you not coming to visit me then? :( :('
I click on the chat and the entire history has been deleted. This is 11pm on a Saturday night. I was obviously upset and my DP claimed that he couldnt remember why he had deleted it. When that made me more angry, he said that this woman had said something that I may have misinterpreted. He couldn't remember what, but something about her asking him to visit and he just thought it would be easier to delete it. After a lot of talking, he convinved me there was nothing between them. I do not live with my DP (we used to live together), but we are currently apart due to work. He does not live near this woman but could easily visit if he wanted to.

Since this incident, I have felt increasingly upset by it all, and I'm not sure why. My DP says I am being unfair because nothing is going on, I'm the only one for him etc etc etc. AIBU? I don't want o brign it up again as it makes me feel like a pathetic, posessive woman which I can't stand, but this has really got to me and I don't know if I am being silly by not letting it go.

OP posts:
kilmuir · 26/01/2015 16:27

hmmm, i would be suspicious too.
ask her why your husband would be visiting her?

Quitelikely · 26/01/2015 16:27

I would not like this one bit.

Have you thought about contacting the woman and telling her to back off?

Is it possible she is trying to hurt her ex by moving onto one of his friends?

Only1scoop · 26/01/2015 16:29

Yanbu I would be damn suspicious. Deliberately getting rid of the messages big red flag.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 16:30

I don't believe him and neither do you Sad

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 16:32

Perhaps he has no intention of cheating on you, but he sounds extremely flattered by the attention and is being very disloyal towards you Sad

Jan45 · 26/01/2015 16:33

Sounds dodgy as and highly disrespectful to you, discussing your personal relationship with OW and OW slagging you off then a message asking if he's coming round then deletes.

the red flags are swinging all round him, don't be fobbed off, he's taking the piss.

Original poster
annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:33

Sorry I forgot to add, I did contact the woman after the recent comment about him visitng her. I asked her why she thought it was appropriate to message someone else's DP at that time on a Saturday night, especially when she knows we only see each other at weekends now, due to a change in living situation. I also highlighted to her that I thought me and her had been friends (albeit though one another's partners). Her reponse was one of 'what you on about?' and 'so you dont want us to be friends?' At that point I felt like she was just turning this round on me and making me out to be posessive, so I left the conversation with her by saying 'i dont want to fall out but i hope you can appreciate why i felt like i did. i hope we can still be friends.x' no reponse from her.

I would have liked it if my DP had stood up for me more - I showed him the very brief conversation I had with the woman, and he said he didnt care about what she had said, he just wanted me to be ok. the following morning she had text him saying 'dont involve me in your relationships' and he replied and said he hadnt done, and that i had just seen a message. i then said just make up with her because i didnt want to end a friendship he had - i would feel crappy if i did that, so i didnt want to be that woman. perhaps i should have been stricter about this, i dont know :( i just cant be bothered with that - just want someone i can trust. also shcoked a woman can behave like that - i would never causally message someone's dp like that, even if i were proper good friends with them.

OP posts:
krolletRodtHar · 26/01/2015 16:34

If you don't live together and she's single then he's just being an asshole.

I think he's making up his mind whether or not he wants to be with her, and while he decides, he's not going to dump you yet

I'd end the relationship first. You're not pathetic or possessive to expect your boyfriend to be sure of you and not be visiting other women as well.

var123 · 26/01/2015 16:34

I don't believe her intentions are good, and I'm not sure about his.
I was in a similarish situation about 10 years ago and looking back, I am now certain DH was only trying to help whereas our friend was thinking he'd make a good substitute for her ex.

I'd go visit her and try to get the lie of the land.

MadameOvary · 26/01/2015 16:37

"Don't involve me in your relationships"
Charming Hmm

krolletRodtHar · 26/01/2015 16:37

hmm, new take now that she's saying don't involve me in your relationship to your bf.

That gives me the impression he's visiting her as a 'friend'. He fancies her but she thinks he's helping/visiting her out of the goodness of his platonic little heart.

Original poster
annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:37

I am not close enough with her to visit her - she was never my favourite person when we used to socaise with her DP and my DP - but we got on fine, and I felt awful for her when I heard of the break up.

I have questioned my DP about this plenty of times, and he is adamant that there is nothing in it.

I feel sick thinking about it and don;t know what to do :( If i bring it up he will just claim there is nothing in the conversatins and he couldnt care less about her and so on.

OP posts:
Original poster
annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:38

just to clarify, he has never actually visited her. (to my knowledge! he sees me every weekend and we speak every evening, i dont think it would be possible for him to visit her in the week as it's too far from where he works).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 16:40

if he "couldn't care less" about her then he will cut all contact immediately and stop deleting any subsequent contact from her

this is not about her this is about your partner who is looking a trifle dodgy right now

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 16:40

Alarm bells would be ringing very loudly. Sorry.

Time to pick up the phone and have it out with her. I wouldn't hesitate. She is I can assure you no friend of yours anymore.
Let rip kid.

Only1scoop · 26/01/2015 16:41

What's all this 'her' Op

What about him?

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2015 16:42

Nothing is impossible if the will is there, OP.

I think he's behaving very inappropriately and tbh I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/01/2015 16:42

i didnt want to be that woman.

Instead, you are the woman whose boyfriend has ...some kind of relationship... with a woman who slags her off.

TitchyThings · 26/01/2015 16:42

There's obviously inappropriate stuff going on somewhere. We can only hazard a guess what it might be.

How long have you been together?

var123 · 26/01/2015 16:43

Sadly (for her), her aggressive message to you means that she has left you with no alternative but to stop being her friend at any level, and of course, your DP will feel the same for his own friendship with her if his feelings for her are what he says they are.

Original poster
annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:43

I feel sick. If I mention it again now he will just ask why I am bringing it up again and say we have been through this.

The thing is, my DP from day one has been v sincere about these things. It's totally out of character. I agree with a poster above that I think he likes the attention from her...and you know what is so pathetic of me? i hate that she would be using him and potentially bigging him up because she's feeling lonely - that's how patheitc i am, i'm still thinking about him in this :( i highly doubt they would be compatible as she is v v different to me and the things he claims to lvoe about me are v diffeent to her. you neve rknow though do you.

and more than anything i dont want my daily life to be one of checking up on DP. cant think of anything more boring and hassling :(

OP posts:
krolletRodtHar · 26/01/2015 16:43

Maybe there is nothing in it because he fancies her and she doesn't fancy him back. Maybe she wouldn't get together with her xbf's friend.

At the very least HE has said something to her that he doesn't want you to know about. The comment ''don't involve me in your relationships'' wouldn't add up if there was something about to happen between them. I think that comments indicates that she is irritated, that your reaction is one more thing for her to deal with now.

Not saying it's easy for you. But he sounds like he minimises your doubts, deletes 'evidence', fobs you off and engages in some rescue fantasy with his friend's X.

Mama1980 · 26/01/2015 16:43

Never mind her or her intentions. You've told your dp that this worries you. He should immediately be cutting all contact, and doing everything he can to reassure you.
The fact he isn't I think is worrying.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 16:44

Anything you have found out so far has been by accident! And he's already lied!!
Can't remember why he deleted it ? Thought you'd take something the wrong way?
Well which one is it???
And interesting she was under the impression he was going to visit! I wonder why?

Original poster
annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:45

var123 - i feel like he shouldnt want to even talk to her really :( i dont understand it. he will literally claim he is just supporting a friend. realyl dont know what to do from here. what if he is telling the truth?

OP posts:
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