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Original poster

Suspicions re DP and OW - AIBU?

96 replies

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:25

DP is friends with his mates DP. I know the couple and we all use to doube date. The couple recently broke up. Woman was devastated (long relationship and only one she had really been in, now approaching 30).

This woman has started to talk to my DP on a regular basis, granted, mainly about her break up. I found this slightly odd, as although they did previously talk, they never really messaged anything other than 'what time shall we meet you guys (as in me as well) for dinner' etc, for organisational purposes. I decided not to say anything about the increase in chat because from what I had seen on messages popping up on the ipad etc, it was nothing untoward, and I didn't want to be a posessive and insecure DP - it's not attractive.

However, a few weeks ago, I find that my DP discussed an argument me and DP had had. Although he had not said anything overally hurtful about me (though the point of view he put across I would onvsiouly contradcit), this woman proceeded to lay into me somewhat and called me some names. My DP avoided answering directly (I asked to see the entire conversation). I told him I don't mind him talking to this woman but in future please do not duscuss me and him and any of our arguments with her. That was the ned of the dicsussion and I went back to trusting my DP.

Last Saturday we are watching tv and I am on the ipad. A message from this woman pops up, saying 'Are you not coming to visit me then? :( :('
I click on the chat and the entire history has been deleted. This is 11pm on a Saturday night. I was obviously upset and my DP claimed that he couldnt remember why he had deleted it. When that made me more angry, he said that this woman had said something that I may have misinterpreted. He couldn't remember what, but something about her asking him to visit and he just thought it would be easier to delete it. After a lot of talking, he convinved me there was nothing between them. I do not live with my DP (we used to live together), but we are currently apart due to work. He does not live near this woman but could easily visit if he wanted to.

Since this incident, I have felt increasingly upset by it all, and I'm not sure why. My DP says I am being unfair because nothing is going on, I'm the only one for him etc etc etc. AIBU? I don't want o brign it up again as it makes me feel like a pathetic, posessive woman which I can't stand, but this has really got to me and I don't know if I am being silly by not letting it go.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:12

I'd have the pair of them

What does this even mean?

PasstheDaimbars · 26/01/2015 17:12

Just seen that you used to live together, but now are apart for work & that you were busy with work that weekend.

Is this an attention seeking behaviour? Not that this makes his actions any better, still shows selfishness.

Calling someone dramatic etc is a very good way to shut someone up, few if any of us want to be seen as a Drama Lama.

Original poster
annabelflies · 26/01/2015 17:15

I dont see how it could be PasstheDiambars as I am 100% there for my DP, and always always make time for him. I've invested a lot in him and us, and he knows it. As a person I would say he was never the most confident in himself, so perhaps liked the sudden attention and advice-seeking from this woman. I don't know. So upset by it all and it plays on my mind so much I just had to get some advice as i know i fi mention it again he will really be reluctsnt to reassure me and that will hurt me even more.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 26/01/2015 17:16

Run for the hills. He is clearly up to something, and the very fact he allowed this woman to insult you and he continues contact with her is enough to end this.

Do not let him have you questioning your instincts or your sanity.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:17

Means I wouldn't just deal with him. I would deal directly with her swell viv because the sad thing is I don't believe that ops dp will! He won't make a very good job of it and she needs telling in no uncertain terms. Dp will make a balls up of it. Of telling her he wants no contact. Which is exactly what should happen. NO CONTACT.

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:22

I've invested a lot in him and us, and he knows it.

Are you familiar with "sunk costs"?

MissPickle but it's not for the OP to deal with like some soap character telling another woman to keep her hands off her man. It infantilises her boyfriend and is undignified for the OP. It's the man's behaviour here that's the problem as he's the one with the commitment to the OP. I feel that your advice just sets woman against woman and the OP can't win if her boyfriend is already going behind her back.

Jan45 · 26/01/2015 17:31

What is worrying more is your attitude that you are going to upset/anger him and appear possessive - he has clearly crossed a line, slagged you off with another woman and has her messaging him late on a Sat nite, asking if he's coming over.............oh and then deletes their history.

OP, I'm afraid with your scared to tell him what I think attitude, you may be in for a nasty surprise, there's being OTT and there's being just plain naïve.

You seem more worried about him than yourself, put you first here, he's the one who should be cutting contact now.

var123 · 26/01/2015 17:33

You don't sound pathetic at all. You've been put in a difficult situation by your DP and this woman, and you are trying to deal with it effectively without overreacting.

Scenario A
Your DP has been genuinely supporting a friend through a difficult time. The relationship is platonic from both sides. However, you know that she has called you bad names and was hostile to you last weekend. Solution: drop her as a friend and tell your DP that she's rewarded his good intentions with being unpleasant to his partner. His choice how he reacts, but unfortunately he has to choose because she has left him no other option.

Scenario B
They are having a physical or emotional affair. You need to dump him. test him by asking if he is willing to give her up? If he won't then leave him.

Scenario C
He's interested in her but its not reciprocated. Same solution as A & B

Scenario D
She's interested and he isn't. He needs to back off now. Is he willing to do that? If not, then he's not loyal to you.

Basically, whatever way you look at it, its up to your DP to decide what he wants to do now and then you can decide whether that's good enough for you.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:40

Well yes viv I agree that you wouldn't want to go charging in like a fishwife shouting the odds as that would your quite right make matters worse. But there is no reason to handle it that way. You can be direct without acting like a "soap character" you know!
And I've had plenty to say about dp f you read the posts. You make it sound like I'm saying let him off Scott free and that is absolutely NOT the case.

BerylStreep · 26/01/2015 17:40

var123 has said it all.

magoria · 26/01/2015 17:47

There was only one reason for him to delete those messages.

Because he didn't want you to read them.

Forgetting why he deleted them is pure and simple bullshit. It is also insulting to your intelligence.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:49

Gut instinct on what you've read Beryl. Which scenario would you think?

Shrekandprincessfiona · 26/01/2015 17:49

OP, I personally think that you need to stop worrying about 'being that sort of women' in case it is innocent and a misunderstanding. It is not innocent. The fact that 'she' is messaging late at night on the weekend, deflected your concerns and tried infer that 'you' had the issue and has slagged you off is way out of order. What is even worse is that your DP has sat back and really done nothing to alleviate your concerns and deleted a number of messages.

He probably is 'flattered'. But what would he say if the tables were turned and you were doing this with another man? This man messaging you late on a Saturday, asking when you would 'visit' him and you deleting messages by 'mistake'.....be honest he would go ballistic!

I think it's time to be straight with him.

Surreyblah · 26/01/2015 17:56

Your P is out of order. She was never his friend, just the P of a friend of his. His new "friendship" with her is inappropriate at best, not least since he is hiding things and it makes you uncomfortable, so he should cease contacting her. Yanbu to ask and expect him to do that.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 26/01/2015 17:58

I think you suggest you befriend her and have her round. See how she is with your dp if she is cold with you and uniterested in your friendship you have your answer.

Mom2K · 26/01/2015 18:00

I'd not put up with any of this BS. I'd expect my bf to volunteer, (and follow through) to instantly end communication with a woman if he had given me even the slightest reason to doubt him. If he didn't, combined with deleting conversations, discussing arguments, and then not bothering to defend me when the other woman talked about me negatively - I'd not even hear him out at this stage of my life. Been there, done that. If it looks and smells like a rat - it probably is.

Dump him, or else draw the line in the sand that this woman needs to be gone and blocked. Although if he is doing anything behind your back, he may just hide it better.

They were not real friends even when she was dating your DP's mate, so I don't see any reason for her to be now. I'd have been highly suspicious of the contact even when it started. It's unjustified.

Mom2K · 26/01/2015 18:03

And by the way - being 'that kind of a woman' means that you are a woman who demands respect and is not going to put up with inappropriate behaviour.

Be that woman, and be proud of her.

MajesticWhine · 26/01/2015 18:07

Nothing wrong with demanding honesty, respect and reliability. It doesn't make you an idiot or possessive. It's completely appropriate in an exclusive relationship. This type of thinking -that it's overly possessive - is a cheating partners dream.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2015 18:09

This woman has overstepped the mark. Nothing might be going on. I'd phone her up and ask her if she's met anyone new yet.

manechanger · 26/01/2015 18:14

hi, I understand why you want to be fair etc. But I guess one way to deal with it is not worry about her but think about your relationship. What do you want long-term? is living apart causing you to be upset about his friendship?

Maybe start with an adult and reasonable conversation (and honest) about how you feel and why that is. IE I'm feeling really paranoid, I don't want you to stop having friends but for me there is a line as to how those friendships work, x y and z behaviours have crossed the line, it is not how i would behave. With a long distance relationship I feel there need to be some boundaries (state boundaries) or discuss whether you need to work differently to move to spend more time together (or not depending on what you want from the relationship).

I think you could have a conversation about how the way you are living is making you feel without making it about her.

Ouchbloodyouch · 26/01/2015 18:21

If he cares about you more than anything he will cut off contact with her. Stop trying to be 'cool girlfriend'. He's taking the piss.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 18:26

I think it will be easily sorted if you put your foot down op.
But if your going to be all airy fairy and considerate to his poor woe is me feelings then you will be making a rod for your own back.
Don't give her the time or the chance to manipulate him.
At the moment I think she is more into him than he is her but its early days so don't let her work her magic.
If he develops feelings for her then your in for a long old bumpy ride op.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/01/2015 18:46

Gawd, unless you are Dolly Parton don't beg her not to take your man. How mortifying.

That time you were together when she said 'are you not coming over?' Did he think he wasn't seeing you then? Was there a last minute plan change?
How does he account for his severe memory loss?

redredholly · 26/01/2015 19:04

Hi OP - there's no way I'd put up with this, and I completely trust my DH. Thing is, he wouldn't do it. You absolutely must tell him to stop contact, to honour your relationship! Perhaps he is naive and doesn't realise that these things ruin relationships. Either way, at least you're not married/don't have DC.

My thinking is if you want this relationship you need to fight for it a bit here, and your DP needs to do the same. We can't all have our cake and eat it. He must stop all contact with her, forever. And never do this again.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 26/01/2015 19:21

You don't trust him. That's no basis for a relationship. I would end it You aren't married, you don't have children, you don't live together. There's no need for you to work at this relationship that's no longer meeting your needs.