Suspicions re DP and OW - AIBU?

[annabelflies]

DP is friends with his mates DP. I know the couple and we all use to doube date. The couple recently broke up. Woman was devastated (long relationship and only one she had really been in, now approaching 30).

This woman has started to talk to my DP on a regular basis, granted, mainly about her break up. I found this slightly odd, as although they did previously talk, they never really messaged anything other than 'what time shall we meet you guys (as in me as well) for dinner' etc, for organisational purposes. I decided not to say anything about the increase in chat because from what I had seen on messages popping up on the ipad etc, it was nothing untoward, and I didn't want to be a posessive and insecure DP - it's not attractive.

However, a few weeks ago, I find that my DP discussed an argument me and DP had had. Although he had not said anything overally hurtful about me (though the point of view he put across I would onvsiouly contradcit), this woman proceeded to lay into me somewhat and called me some names. My DP avoided answering directly (I asked to see the entire conversation). I told him I don't mind him talking to this woman but in future please do not duscuss me and him and any of our arguments with her. That was the ned of the dicsussion and I went back to trusting my DP.

Last Saturday we are watching tv and I am on the ipad. A message from this woman pops up, saying 'Are you not coming to visit me then? :( :('
I click on the chat and the entire history has been deleted. This is 11pm on a Saturday night. I was obviously upset and my DP claimed that he couldnt remember why he had deleted it. When that made me more angry, he said that this woman had said something that I may have misinterpreted. He couldn't remember what, but something about her asking him to visit and he just thought it would be easier to delete it. After a lot of talking, he convinved me there was nothing between them. I do not live with my DP (we used to live together), but we are currently apart due to work. He does not live near this woman but could easily visit if he wanted to.

Since this incident, I have felt increasingly upset by it all, and I'm not sure why. My DP says I am being unfair because nothing is going on, I'm the only one for him etc etc etc. AIBU? I don't want o brign it up again as it makes me feel like a pathetic, posessive woman which I can't stand, but this has really got to me and I don't know if I am being silly by not letting it go.

I would be very suspicious, i have just had similar situation wifes male friend thread. The real give away was the time of day they were messaging, very unusual for a normal friendship. In my situation the guy was asking my wife to go for a walk at 8:30pm in the dark & pissing rain. As if it would go un-noticed!

Why not suggest he n his mate (her exDP) go out for a drink

Say I bet he needs a chat

Let your DP mate do the work for you as he is the one with the most experience of this little piece of work - or invite him round to dinner

As far as I can see she's a friend of a friend with no direct tie so if your DP wants someone to lean on him his mate needs him more

If you n your DP are supporting your friend then that's his mate

If she realises I doubt she will continue to contact your DP

Shea a manipulative bitch (i've only just broke up with my boyfriend, your dp is such a bitch blah blah blah) and either he is a bit wet or he is enjoying her attention.

A friend of mine once told.me that you dont have to be fucking to be cheating, if you are deleting messages and covering your tracks you are already there.

Foot down. Right down. I for one would rather be a possessive cow than.a doormat. Good luck

I'm very sorry, but he cannot be trusted.

I agree with most of the responses here.

I tried to be the 'cool girlfriend' until I discovered that DP's ex was texting him about anal sex and calling him at 3am.

I told him that he either cut contact or it was over between us. He made bloody sure she never darkened our doorway again!

Don't put up with this.

Op you sound lovely but in an effort to not seem like a jealous harridan you are allowing your DP to push the boundaries way too far. I am not sure whether your DP has given his friend the impression that she means more to him than she does or whether she has got that idea into her head and he is too weak to set her straight. Either way the whole relationship is inappropriate and you should have no qualms about telling your DP so.

It is ok to set boundaries in a relationship and renegotiate them as and when. I have a male friend who I knew before DP, he comes to our home, eats with us, plays with our kids. Sometimes I visit him at home and have even stayed there overnight. DP knows he can trust me so it is not an issue. However, when I asked if I could meet up with an ex (sounds odd but we both have small children with other people and intended to meet at soft play) DP gave a resounding no, I respected that because he wasn't comfortable with the idea.

It sounds to me as though your DP is embroiled in an emotional affair with this friend whether he intended to be or not. I would set down some clear boundaries with him as var123 has suggested and see what happens. A man who loves you and is loyal to you will have no trouble showing it.

I would never casually message someone's dp like that, even if i were proper good friends with them.. Nor me, I couldn't understand it to start with.

She is definitely not your friend, and she's using him too, as a distraction from her break up

You are going to have to be really direct and deal with this op. Stamp on it. This is a manipulator and she is out for your man

Either you shut the door on this firmly op or I promise you she will run rings round you.

How I wished I'd asked for, and taken, all this advice 2 or so years ago.

A virtually identical situation developed between my DH and someone who had been one half of the couple who were supposedly our best friends, as their marriage floundered. I dithered and tried to be understanding and non-neurotic etc etc and the situation went on to cause me a huge amount of grief and very nearly ended our marriage. It wasn't even an emotional affair really, I'm not sure they even really liked each other all that much in real life but both got hooked on the attention and secrecy.

Anyway, we've moved on and reconvened and all is well, but if I had an inkling of the situation reoccurring, I would stamp on it from a great height as it is so disrespectful of you. Then I'd stamp on him. I may have worked through it once but I certainly wouldn't do it twice.

Good luck, OP.

I think the focus on this other woman is a bit odd, to be honest. I don't think she's the problem, your DP is.

If you were my girlfriend I wouldn't take kindly to you stepping in and "marking your territory".

I think you should explain to him what you find acceptable and unacceptable. Whether you are being "unfair" or not isn't really the question: the only issue is - where are your boundaries, explain them (clearly) to him and then take action based on his response. That could be jacking it in if he doesn't respect those boundaries.

And is it only me that finds some of the descriptions of this other woman as some sort of evil temptress who is going to get her claws into "your man" a bit odd? And the suggestions that OP is somehow responsible for nipping things in the bud. She's not, her DP is. Can't help feeling some of the responses are a bit "High Noon in the Queen Vic"...!

Isn't it strange how reassuring it is when someone's posts are just the same as what you have been thinking?

So sorry you are going through this OP. It SUCKS.

This is a massive massive red flag. When you get that sick feeling of mistrust in your stomach it is very rarely unfounded. What never ceases to amaze me is how people will convince you that when they are outright lying to you and making you feel shit with their behaviour (whether there is shagging or not) it's YOU that has the issue and YOU that has to worry about not being jealous/neurotic/possessive! As though not wanting your loved one to text other women secretly late at night is somehow defective!!! The whole thing stinks.

Agree with Pompodd why all the focus on her - he's your dp, he's the one who matters to you. Stop contacting her and analysing her - don't give her the satisfaction - the issue is between you and him. BUT most importantly, grilling him isn't going to get you the answers you want. A man who deletes messages, discusses your rows with another woman, allows other woman to slag you off, then claims he can't remember this or that (pathetic) is never in a million years going to have the balls to say to your face 'yeah, you know what, it's making me feel good. I'm attracted to her. You and I are not together much and I'm enjoying the attention.' OR 'Well I thought I was just being helpful but now I'm kind of hooked and I don't want to stop' OR worse 'Yes you know now that you have grilled me a third time in fact I will reveal that all that time we were mates with them I was shagging her'. Not going to happen no matter hwo many times you discuss it. It will only make you feel crazier when you get bland responses that make no sense and are forced to accept reassurances when you are not actually feeling reassured.

OF COURSE he will tell you there's nothing going on, because HE WANTS to still be with you AND carry on this ego massage rescuing the vulnerable waif shit. So asking her, or asking him, no matter how many times, isn't going to change anything because you are not dealing with honest responses. So you have to decide YOURSELF on the basis of how you feel and what you KNOW to be true - the level of contact, the effect on you, his unsatsifactory responses, what to do next. And sadly you have to be prepared to be okay with the possibilities that if you stay with him it will carry on, and if you leave him he may well sleep with her. But there is a chance he may also not yet understand how hurtful this is, and he may come back to you saying he's so sorry he has realised how stupid it was and he should never have got himself into that situation.

You have to take a risk whatever you do but remember your self worth and remember that you deserve to be with someone who is in your corner and you are better off not with someone than with someone who destroys your sense of self and makes you feel defective when they are treating you badly.

Thanks everyone for your responses, really appreciated.

I spoke to DP last night and I didn't mention this specific issue, but I just said I was having doubts about me and him because I really felt that he had feelings for someone else and I didn't trust him entirely. He was adamant that he loved me, didnt want anyone but me and that he couldnt wait for out future together. He was working away last weekend and yday eve flowers had been delivered to my work (prior to me mentioning my having doubts). He is working in Scotland for the next week and so I wont see him this weekend, so i didnt want to get into a heavy convo.

Dotn know if it's worth mentioning but in the chats when they were talking about this woman's ex, she alwasy asked about me and he was always positive (bar the time he mentioned our argument). I feel that mabe he overstepped the mark in some way and does feel bad about it, but he's not th best at being re-assuring and this time i think he should be, all things considered.

'Are you not coming to visit me then? '

I think my wife would be absolutely mental if she saw this and the fact that the rest of the chat 'had disappeared' and would phone the OW right there and then.

Do you have access to his emails etc?

If I were you, I'd probably say:

Look, you know I love you. However, you getting late night texts from another woman saying 'Are you not coming to visit me then' makes me feel like somethings going on. You deleting all other messages between you and then pretending you have no memory of what was said makes me feel even worse.
If you love me as you say, and if you respect me, you will tell me what's really been going on - otherwise I'll assume the worst, and it's over. Sorry.

it makes me feel sick/angry thinking about it :( i feel like i cant talk about this when i wont see him this weekend. which leaves me waiting in limbo to have the chat... i feel so weird about it all, like something is different. should i carry on as normal for now? JohnFarleysRuskin that pretty much sums it up as would be ideal for what i want to say.

The best thing you can do is forget about it until you see him again. Is that possible?

I couldn't do it, I would think about it day and night and I'd probably talk myself into ending things. However, I notice that the people in life who do best and seem happiest are the ones who can compartmentalise a little.

If, like me, you can't compartmentalise, then maybe you should work out what you want and go for it before it drives you mad thinking about it.

He must know you are not happy about this, would he be, she was never a bloody friend in the first place, at best, they are having a mild flirtation, at worst, they are actually in some kind of relationship, either way, it's not on, your DP however hard he finds it should be reassuring you cos he should be shit scared he might lose you over this, sounds like he's still maintaining his innocence and giving you nothing really.

You should not be suffering in silence, feeling sick and angry, call him out on it and leave it at that until you can have a proper chat, at least you will feel you have stood your ground.

Maybe he is innocent, Jan45?? Maybe he is, maybe he's not. Only 2 people know for sure, and the OP isn't one of them.

It's really hard when you are not going to see each other. I would find that really hard too and I think on balance, to carry on 'as normal' is going to make you feel really crap so maybe if you remove yourself from 'normal' for a while that will give him a chance to think on things a bit. Flowers sound nice but they don't answer your questions do they? Agree totally with what JohnFarley'sRuskin said - but I think that does need to be face to face... So that even if he's bullshitting you you can look at him and know it from what you see even if not from what he says...

I don't think something has happened, but I think it is heading that way.
Deleting the messages shows guilt.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that it is not appropriate to be contacting your DH and to not do it again.
Tell him you expect zero contact. In fact tell him to tell her no more contact.

I think the reason there are alot of comments about the woman in question is because the OP wants to know if her behaviour is unacceptable so she can be confident she is not overreacting when confronting her DP. Not to pass all blame onto an 'temptress' her man cannot control himself around, that would be ridiculous.

Of course ultimately the problem is between OP and her DP, and for them to sort out (I wouldn't recommend confronting OW, why give her the satisfaction?). But i think it is acceptable to point out her behaviour is unacceptable, just as his is, she is meant to be OP's (sort of) friend after all.