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Original poster

Suspicions re DP and OW - AIBU?

96 replies

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:25

DP is friends with his mates DP. I know the couple and we all use to doube date. The couple recently broke up. Woman was devastated (long relationship and only one she had really been in, now approaching 30).

This woman has started to talk to my DP on a regular basis, granted, mainly about her break up. I found this slightly odd, as although they did previously talk, they never really messaged anything other than 'what time shall we meet you guys (as in me as well) for dinner' etc, for organisational purposes. I decided not to say anything about the increase in chat because from what I had seen on messages popping up on the ipad etc, it was nothing untoward, and I didn't want to be a posessive and insecure DP - it's not attractive.

However, a few weeks ago, I find that my DP discussed an argument me and DP had had. Although he had not said anything overally hurtful about me (though the point of view he put across I would onvsiouly contradcit), this woman proceeded to lay into me somewhat and called me some names. My DP avoided answering directly (I asked to see the entire conversation). I told him I don't mind him talking to this woman but in future please do not duscuss me and him and any of our arguments with her. That was the ned of the dicsussion and I went back to trusting my DP.

Last Saturday we are watching tv and I am on the ipad. A message from this woman pops up, saying 'Are you not coming to visit me then? :( :('
I click on the chat and the entire history has been deleted. This is 11pm on a Saturday night. I was obviously upset and my DP claimed that he couldnt remember why he had deleted it. When that made me more angry, he said that this woman had said something that I may have misinterpreted. He couldn't remember what, but something about her asking him to visit and he just thought it would be easier to delete it. After a lot of talking, he convinved me there was nothing between them. I do not live with my DP (we used to live together), but we are currently apart due to work. He does not live near this woman but could easily visit if he wanted to.

Since this incident, I have felt increasingly upset by it all, and I'm not sure why. My DP says I am being unfair because nothing is going on, I'm the only one for him etc etc etc. AIBU? I don't want o brign it up again as it makes me feel like a pathetic, posessive woman which I can't stand, but this has really got to me and I don't know if I am being silly by not letting it go.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 26/01/2015 16:45

I think there may be something brewing between your dp and this "friend" but she isn't the OW - yet.

She's stirring in the hope that it might all fall apart with you two. You are already no longer living together so she may well think that it wouldn't take much to split you up.

Your dp is being a bit of a dick. She has called you names and made you feel uncomfortable. He's enjoying having his ego stroked.

Tell him that you would like to keep your distance from the "friend" for the time being as things have got a bit awkward. See what he does over the next few weeks.

And just be aware, this woman is no real friend of yours.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/01/2015 16:45

As for my DP claimed that he couldnt remember why he had deleted it. When that made me more angry, he said that this woman had said something that I may have misinterpreted. He couldn't remember what, but something about her asking him to visit and he just thought it would be easier to delete it. - surely you don't believe that.

Unless maybe he has Alzheimer. Does he have Alzheimers?

Thehedgehogsong · 26/01/2015 16:47

I think he probably got an ego boost from messaging a woman he could tell clearly fancied him and didn't think he was doing anything wrong. She is definitely not your friend, and she's using him too, as a distraction from her break up.

If you and him are really good usually, I would have a chat to say you think it's best he not talk to her any more as she was so rude to you and made it clear she's using him, draw a line under it and move on.

It's easily done, chatting to her made him feel good and it's only now he's probably realising it was inappropriate. I definitely don't think anyone should get dumped over a few chatty text messages!

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:50

krolletRodtHar in a late rmessage she said to my DP that 'it wasnt on that i had spoken to her like i had and that he should have known that she had enough on her plate with her break up'

so that made me think perhaps she genuinely did just think it was acceptable to message him late at night at a weekend asaking about visiting... still seems odd and something i would not do as a woman.

i grilled my DP about it in detail and he was adamant that nothing was in it. i dont want to ask him to stop talking to he r- i would just like him to chose to do that himself. i dont want to degrade myself that much :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 16:55

There is nothing "degrading" about stating exactly where your boundaries lie

quite the opposite in fact

Quitelikely · 26/01/2015 16:56

Omg how dare she!

Be that girl and tell your dp that you no longer think it is appropriate for this woman to contact him regarding her issues. Tell him the whole situation is leaving you feeling unsettled and ask if he would be prepared to put an end to it?

You have got nothing to lose IMO.

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:56

but if they are being honest, and i say he cant have this friendship..? i'd feel like a complete posessive idiot. i dont want to tell him who his friends can be.

OP posts:

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 16:58

You do realise why she sent that late night (she shouldn't have spoke to me like that) message don't you???

Wake up op.
She was trying to get him to defend her!
Crafty bloody mare.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2015 16:58

ok. Then carry on worrying about it and step to the side while they send secret messages slagging you off to each other.

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 16:58

also, he recently changed a photo on a partiuclar chat medium... he used to have no photo... am i being ridiculous in thinking this is for an effect on her?

OP posts:

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 17:00

AnyFucker how can i be sure that i am being fair in askig that of him? is it ok to ask it even if it's not really fair and for no real reason? feel so confused, i always trusted him so much.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 26/01/2015 17:01

You simply tell him that the situation has made you very uncomfortable and is now very awkward. That you respect his right to have his own friends but that you believe that this woman is no true friend to either of you. That from now on, you will be maintaining a dignified distance. That you expect that he does not do or say anything that would continue to make this situation

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:02

You are going to have to be really direct and deal with this op. Stamp on it.
This is a manipulator and she is out for your man.

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT.

AND NO NEGOTIATIONS.

shovetheholly · 26/01/2015 17:02

From what you say OP, it sounds like there is the beginning of something here, instigated by her in a 'needy' kind of a way. It doesn't sound to me like he's in love or having an emotional or sexual affair, but he clearly has recognised that boundaries are starting to come down and there's something inappropriate about it, hence the panicky deletion of her messages.

I would sit him down and have a really good chat about it. The smart play would be to say that your friend needs support, but it would be more appropriate for it to come from both of you as a couple and that there definitely shouldn't be any secrets between the pair of you. That way, you are not being 'possessive' or denying another woman support at a difficult time, but you are very definitely ensuring that it doesn't become anything more than it should be.

PasstheDaimbars · 26/01/2015 17:02

Honestly I'm a bit

Its the clearing of the ipad that would get me more than anything else.
OH has some female friends that I would think nothing of them calling/text etc at any time.

But the message itself was a bit off, sounds as though a visit had been arranged and then moved, take that with the slagging you off and the wiping/hiding of their conversation. .

Whether its leading somewhere or 'just' an ego stroke he's being disrespectful to you.

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:03

Time to pick up the phone and have it out with her. I wouldn't hesitate. She is I can assure you no friend of yours anymore. Let rip kid.

This isn't about her. It's about the OP's boyfriend. OP don't tell him what friendships he can and can't have. Do tell him your boundaries, "if you are going to be friends with this woman, including telling her about our personal life and allowing her to slag me off, then this isn't a relationship I want to be in any longer".

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 17:03

i feel like if i say that to him and then find they have spoken, it will be even worse. plus, how would i ever know for sure? i also think she would make a big song and dance about how i wasnt being fair on him and not allowing him to have friends.

OP posts:

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:04

Don't ASK him anything. You give him a choice! Simple!

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:06

I suppose you won't know for sure, what with him denying having conversations with her and then pretending he couldn't remember what was said . His deceit has kind of lost that trust for now, hasn't it?

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 17:07

i feel sick :( i trusted him so much, always have done. never felt like he didnt want me or wanted someone else. i dont know what to thnik anymore. if i bring it up he will just be annoyed and say i am being dramatic and unfair and that he has already apologised and explained himself before (which he has to an extent). it didnt help that the wekeend if happened i had masses of work on and just had to move on from it, then it sort of got forgotten i guess.

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 26/01/2015 17:08

So you don't live together, you feel he's pushing you into being possessive and he won't reassure you.
Walk away- if all is innocent, he'll be a little less naive and thoughtful next time.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:08

It would bloody be about her if she were sniffing around and I was the op.
I'd have the pair of them.
It ends or you sod off .

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:09

The alternative is being in a relationship where you don't feel secure. A healthy relationship isn't one in which you can't share your insecurities.

Original poster

annabelflies · 26/01/2015 17:11

i guess i want to trust him the way i alwasy have, and yes i know the message was inappropriate and him deleting it was certianly disrespectful to me...but because he has always been so loyal, i find it har dot believe now that he isnt being :( i hate the whole situation, part of me wants to end it and let them turn to one another and see how it pans out because from the way shes behaved, i feel like he;d soon realise what she's really like, even if he thinks shes so lovely now.

i sound so pathetic dont i :(

OP posts:

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 17:11

Either you shut the door on this firmly op or I promise you she will run rings round you.
I can tell from your posts.

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