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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

coping with mean FIL staying with us after MIL death

98 replies

purplemooncat · 25/01/2015 15:02

Sorry quite a bit of background but I will try to keep it short.

So I met my PILs just after I got engaged to my DH. They live overseas and don't really like to travel and DH and I were always working and trying to save money so I didn't meet them before this. Just before we met DH warned me FIL was difficult and probably wouldn't like me. They have lots of money and have very high standards I am from a poor background and my father was in and out of jail. FIL took against from the moment we met he had basically run a background check on me to find out about my past before he met me and wasn't impressed.

3 years on and things haven't improved they came to our wedding and visited once or twice but FIL doesn't bother trying to be civil and I have always just remained polite and hoped that he would try for DH and MILs sake.
But he can't see passed my background.

So MIL passed away last week it all happened very quickly and FIL didn't contact us till she had passed. We flew out for the funeral and FIL asked if he could stay with us as he was upset and lonely. We said yes because he has just lost his wife and because DH asked me if we could as he would like to be closer to his father now his mum is gone.

But the man is so bloody impossible. I drove us 4 hours to the airport and another 2 to get to our house when we landed and the only thing he would say was that I drove like a woman. I kept apologizing but in the end I just said sorry but I am a woman. Which made him huff because I was sarcastic which upset DH because his dad was upset. He has been here 4 days and I just hate my own home.

Yesterday I was in work and he called me to ask me when I was making dinner. I said I was in work but DH was there to make something or order takeaway. He said DH was already looking for food to make but as the woman I should be there doing it.

He asks why I haven't given him grand children yet even though he knows that I can't conceive because I was in hospital last year after a bad accident and DH called MIL because he was worried and he told her at the time that I wouldn't be able to have children now and she told FIL about all this. Yet he just claims we aren't trying hard enough.

I have left the house today to see a friend and DH has just text me asking me to come home as FIL has broken "something" important and I just don't bloody want to go and try and be nice to him and pretend whatever happens is no big deal even if it is for DHs sake.

I am fed up. Please give me some tips to deal with this for DHs sake please.

OP posts:

RandomNPC · 25/01/2015 15:05

God, I really don't know. It's a shame about his wife dying, but he sounds absolutely dreadful. It's your husband's father, he really shouldn't let him get away with this, bereavement or no bereavement.

tiredvommachine · 25/01/2015 15:06

Are you UK?

Original poster

purplemooncat · 25/01/2015 15:09

Yes I am in the UK. DH and PILs are also originally from the UK but PILs moved somewhere warm years ago (they used to go to this same place every year on holiday and it is the only place they have been outside of the UK.

OP posts:

ladygracie · 25/01/2015 15:11

Go out as much as possible & when home try not to engage with him unless it is essential.
It is very sad that he has lost his wife but it sounds like this is how he behaves generally so I think your strategies for coping need to be based on that. Do you have any idea when he will leave? That must be making it much more difficult.
Please don't go home now, just call dh & tell him that you will home when you are ready.
Lots of sympathy - it must be very hard for you.

Whocansay · 25/01/2015 15:13

You have to go home because FIL has broken something? Does he mean crockery or his leg?!! Why does it require you to go home and spoil your outing with your friend?

Unless he has actually damaged himself, I'd tell your DH to deal with it. This is his father and his situation to deal with.

FIL sounds like a chauvinist horror. How long is he staying for?

jackydanny · 25/01/2015 15:13

Go home & tell him breaking material things is not that important. But what is important is that you are kind to each other.

Each time he comes off with a comment you have to pull him up 'I'm not going to listen to that, it's untrue/unkind'

'I'm ending this conversation now, it's unpleasant' then leave the room/go out.

Think of it as training.

Nearasdammit · 25/01/2015 15:15

Your DH needs to sort this.

"Dad I know you're hurting over mum but you really can't keep being rude to her. You need to be more respectful if you want to stay here".

Simple.

AuditAngel · 25/01/2015 15:15

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I think your DH needs to have a word with his dad and explain a few things, such as you have a job and he is capable of cooking, and secondly that he needs to but out if your private life and leave the children issue alone (and I am also sorry to hear this, such a hard thing to suffer)

Do you know what the "sonething important" is yet that has been broken?

I would be tempted to say "no way and I coming home early do you can ruin my entire day, deal with it and tell me when I get home"

Nomama · 25/01/2015 15:15

Ring your DH and ask him to meet you for coffee/pint.

Ask him how he feels it is going and how much longer you can anticipate having his dad in your home treating you like this?

Then discuss what else you can do to simply not be there much until he leaves.

Your DH must know how much hard work his dad is. He must also know that you don't have to put up with it. But that you don't want to throw his dad out until he is ready to go home. But you have to have 'a story' you both tell so his dad doesn't feel bad that he is chasing you out of your home.

Then let your DH go home and sell it to his dad.

I do appreciate that this comes across as what is known round here as a bit PA... but your DH is not going to be able to put his dad out at this time and you are going to have to manage expectations (yours included) much more than usual.

That doesn't mean your DH can't be reminded that his dad is acting in a manner that makes you feel very antagonistic and that, much as you love DH, you don't have that connection with his dad.

Good luck finding a way through this. I have some idea of how it feels, you can get through it relationship, manners and sanity intact

inlectorecumbit · 25/01/2015 15:15

Don't go home till you are ready. If he has broken something important you returning home isn't going to solve anything.
Boundries have to be drawn. Do not answer his phone calls when you are at work-he can phone your DH with any questions after all you are equal partners in the marriage.
How long will he be staying with you? If if is only a few weeks best bite your tongue and say nowt. If any longer l think you and your DH need to have a serious discussion about him.
Your house your rules

mojo17 · 25/01/2015 15:16

Don't go home until you are ready to face the consequences of his breakage dh can try and cope and organise ifs the heating or tap or something like that
I only hope it's nothing precious to you
Find out how long he will be staying and prepare yourself
Are you able to get him to see some of his old friends, do things outside the home with or without your dh?
Just keep your distance and try not to rise to it

CookieDoughKid · 25/01/2015 15:18

Hell no would I be putting up with his behaviour. He can either pull up his socks or get the fuck out. I'm sure you would be putting this across far more polite and eloquently.

Yes, sorry all round mil is gone but no excuses for being mean.

He wants to trounce on you because it makes him feel powerful. About time you stick up for yourself.

avocadotoast · 25/01/2015 15:19

I agree with others, your DH needs to deal with this. In an ideal world you could have it out with him yourself, but it's not always that easy. If the two of them are home alone now then your husband has the perfect opportunity to sit him down and lay it out. He can't stop acting like such a dick, it's not on.

avocadotoast · 25/01/2015 15:19

*can't carry on acting like a dick, that should have said!

Floralnomad · 25/01/2015 15:20

You don't need tips on how to deal with it for DHs sake . Tell your DH that you are not going to be walking on eggshells in your own home and that he needs to tell his dad that he starts being civil or he has to leave , if your DH doesnt like it then you know where his priorities are and that's a whole different issue .

Nomama · 25/01/2015 15:24

Floral, the man and DH lost their wife and mum last week.

If OP follows your advice she is effectively telling her DH to fuck off, his feelings are worth zero. She might just as well go home and throw them both out of the door.

Regardless of how horrid the man is he deserves some compassion and a bot of support just now. That OP finds it hard to give this is her problem, and she and her DH need to be able to work their way through it. Telling DH to choose between dad and wife is NOT heplful!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 25/01/2015 15:26

He sounds awful! How long is he staying. It sounds like normally your DH has the measure of him, but is being a bit weak at the moment. Probably as his mum has just died.

I think you need to very clearly and calms state, to both of them, that you are very sad for them due to their bereavement - but you will not tolerate rudeness or browbeating in your own home. Also, your DH dies need to deal with his Dad. And vice versa. Do not intervene - direct one to the others.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/01/2015 15:30

It's your husband's father so it's his job to manage him. If your FIL can't act like a proper guest in your home then he needs to be shipped back whence he came asap. I'd be having a quiet word with your husband later when you get home. About manners. About your boundaries and where they lie. A time-limit on how long you're prepared to tolerate this shit behaviour for. It's a terrible shame that the FIL has just been bereaved but that's not a license to insult to a woman in her own home.

Floralnomad · 25/01/2015 15:30

How long do you suggest she puts up with it then ? What if he is still staying in 4 months time ,the longer you allow it to carry on the harder it gets to deal with it - and I do have experience of a similar nature . im not saying she chucks them both out ,I'm saying she knows where she stands and it's not grief that is causing this behaviour the FIL has always been like it .

Original poster

purplemooncat · 25/01/2015 15:32

I don't know what he has broken DH said it was a thing so I am guessing a picture frame or the good plates or something that can't be easily replaced.

The problem is due has such an odd relationship with him already. He doesn't like to talk about it but his father didn't think he was good enough when he was younger. As an adult she has avoided him for the most part only inviting him with MIL to important things and only talking to MIL on the phone. So now he feels bad and he is trying to be close to his father for the first time years DH does feel bad about it and apologises to me for his father behaviour but doesn't want to upset him and lose his dad.

I have texted DH and told him I am in a local cafe and that I wasn't coming home yet as I am having some time away. But he is free to join me by himself if he wants to talk.

OP posts:

Original poster

purplemooncat · 25/01/2015 15:33

I don't know how long he is staying. Probably till he gets bored and decides to leave.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 25/01/2015 15:44

Stop apologising to him when he's criticising you, if he says something nasty to you again, reply with "that was uncalled for, please don't speak to me like that" and the first time your DH tells you that's just the way FIL is let him know that expecting to be treated with respect especially in your own home is just the way you are.

Firstly though I think you need to speak to your DH out of the home and let him know that the situation is making you very unhappy and plans need to be made fir FIL to go home, maybe he could take some time off to go back with him for a few days.

Original poster

purplemooncat · 25/01/2015 16:00

I know that's what I should do but then he will get upset and huffy.
I then feel bad because DH is a really good man who doesn't deserve the father that he has and is grieving for his mother who he loves.

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 25/01/2015 16:07

Let him get upset and huffy he's a grown man, not a toddler.

RandomNPC · 25/01/2015 16:10

cocolepew, give him a break, he's just lost his mum.

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