Handling MIL

[Efferlunt]

Not sure where to start with this, but there has been some good advice on MN on this type of thing. My MIL has many good points. She adores the kids and is great with them for eg but is very controlling and opinionated. We moved quite near them last year (huge mistake for many reasons!) but they are still 20 mins away. She is generally hypercritical of other's lifestyle choices when they are different from hers (I use the wrong type of washing up sponge apparently and I was stupid for babysitting for a neighbour as she wouldn't have offered in the same situation - the list goes on)

Generally FIL DH and SIL have dealt with this over the years by not reacting and going with what she wants. I said if we were moving nearer to them I wasn't prepared to do this for the next 30 years so my approach is to challenge her politely I.e. 'I know you do x this way I prefer to do it this other way and wouldn't it be a dull world if we were all the same' or 'I know you would go to a wedding in this circumstance but I would and im the one who's been invited so I'm going' occasionally I wheel out the tried and tested. 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Any way I've just got off the phone with FIL who's very upset and wants to work out how we can stop pressing each other's buttons. I suspect he gets a lot is flack about this stuff at home. She was cross for a week because she thinks I laughed at her (she'd said she was going to tea with the village people and everyone around the table laughed but she has interpreted this as me laughing at her) he also said that she feels 'taken advantage' of re childcare. We don't rely on her for childcare - that was one of my stipulations about moving - but she does do the odd day if I have a meeting and she usually offers to pick up our youngest from childcare early once a week. Very nice for them both but not actually helpful in terms of childcare. I always thank her but I do not however show the appropriate level of gratitude for her to want to continue to do this.

Anyway FIL wants to have a 'family talk' about how we improve things. He accepts that MIL will not compromise much but hopes I can. I suppose I could try harder. This situation does not bring out the best in me - but how do I set boundaries?

I'd stop using her for childcare as that obviously is something she has issues with.

Sounds like the "family talk" is to try and whip you back into line! Don't go there - just keep on doing what is best for you and yours.

You are being asked to go to a 'family talk' meeting to clear the air premissed on the fact that MIL will not compromise, so you will have to?

Hmmn. What's in it for you then? It sounds like an opportunity for you to be told off in front of an audience.

I'm not saying don't go, actually I think it would be a good idea, if only for appearance's sake. But it might be a good idea to get your DH to speak to FIL about how fundamentally unreasonable it is to set up a talk which is actually all about you climbing down.

From what you've said, your reactions to your MIL don't sound unreasonable, so don't feel you have to shift your ground particularly. Hear her out, see what you think. But don't continue with her doing childcare if it is a source of resentment.

OMG! I couldn't be bothered with this. What he really means is let's all get together to tell YOU to let MIL have her own way so that the rest of us get an easy life. Ten to one they'll all gang up on you, there'll be a row, MIL will blub and you'll be labelled family Nasty Arse. No chance would I be facilitating this nonsense if I were you.

Also agree that I would never ask her for childcare again but get ready for that to be turned into a whine about how pushed out she feels of her grandchildren's lives because you never ask her.

Oh, definitely go to the family talk. Be immensely calm and reasonable and under no circumstances show any angry emotion. Say things like 'Oh dear, that is unfortunate ' or 'I'm sorry you feel that way ' but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES relax your stance.

This is a watershed moment, op!

I would also stop using her for child care. I never feel obliged to visit ils and often Dh will go with the dcs. I love my mil however, we do often rub each other up the wrong way so I chose to stay away.

I agree with Plumping.

Also do not put anything in writing (text/email) as it will be held against you forever, regardless of how reasonable you've been.

I'm channeling my inner management guru all the way here - this is management 101!

Save all your frustration for the car journey home afterwards is another good one.

Do not use her for childcare. If this brings forth a shit fit about seeing gc, point out she was begrudgy. Cannot have it both ways.
Tell dh to speak to his dad and back you up.
Family talk? Not unless dh is going to back you to the hilt.

'It sounds like an opportunity for you to be told off in front of an audience.'

This is my feeling too. I'm happy to go as I can stand up for myself but I'm not sure it will make the situation better. In fact I think it will make it worse. I've told FIL I'm not going to become emotionally invested in this but will treat it as if I had a difficult work colleague and try and find a way that works.

re childcare she offers we don't ask. She loves small children and is very good with them and welcome to see them any time she wants.

We have asked her to do occasional days but only if she wants too. Think that will have to stop now.

Oh yes, tell your DH of your intentions to be extremely calm and reasonable - he can hardly fault you for that - and explain to him what your lines in the sand are (in fact this may be useful in general, if you think of it as your meeting objectives/agenda).

--> If she says something judgy you will POLITELY challenge it.

--> If she bemoans the childcare situation then you are happy to consider changing it as she clearly is not happy despite your previously expressed gratitude.

--> You will always treat her courteously and hope that she will do the same towards you.

Add more as you see fit

Will she be attending this meeting or is she leaving it all to her flying monkey spouse?

X-posted - you're clearly meant to be prostrate with gratitude when she offers childcare, op! How dare you B SOOOO U

Sounds to me as if you have already been handling it really well from your perspective. MIL is not getting her own way all the time so she is kicking off and FIL is enabling her as he is fed up.

I would be very wary of a meeting. You only win with people like that by doing exactly what you are already doing, if you placate them by doing as they wish the demands just get worse. Good luck.

Ah, but if OP doesn't go then they will have cause to whine about how she DIDN'T EVEN TRY to sort it out.

If she does go and holds firm, then they will still whine but won't have concrete reasons to present to friends and relatives IYSWIM.

Agree with everything plumping up partridge said - perfect approach

Think is all family meeting. We had one before about us moving house and how us taking our time to decide were we would live was 'making life very difficult for her' she just does not seem to have boundaries or empathy.

DH is supportive of me he's still reeling from the manipulation involved in the last meeting. It's FIL I feel sorry for I think I may have upset him when I said that I was not prepared to just put up with and ignore rude behaviour - he took that as a criticism of his approach to this for the last 40 years. - which it was.

Stop using her for childcare.

Goodness she sounds terrible. It is all about her, isn't it? Glad your DH is on side.

Thanks for you advice Partridge and yes I suspect the only level on gratitude acceptable is 'abject'

You're welcome, efferlunt - my own dear mother was not quite as bad as your MIL, but similar! I learned many useful life skills from dealing with her like 'move 4000 miles away' whenever possible

I'm pleased to say that I have used the above tactics on my own MIL when she went a bit mental and they worked a treat! I actually used the words (via text, admittedly) "I am not going to engage with you any further on this subject." She was nice as pie after that

I would not be having anything to do with any family meeting. It sounds like being pulled into the head teacher's office. FIL has already told you that MIL will not be expected to compromise at all but you will. Well fuck that shit quite frankly.

MIL sounds like someone who will never be happy no matter what you do. Do not indulge her and her madness. I agree with stopping using her for childcare. Take some control back. Be polite and cheerful to her face but absolutely stand firm.

No family meeting - that is never going to end well. It's a set up.

If necessary take your MIL (just the two of you) for an extremely nice afternoon tea (somewhere do nice she won't start yelling or crying ) to discuss but make sure you have a clear agenda of points to be discussed.

Personally I would now politely refuse all offers of babysitting and never ask again. She would of course be very welcome to visits with the children where you/DH are in attendance. To use emotional blackmail around child are is pretty appalling. If she generally feels taken advantage of she'll be relieved.

My basic principles are that just because someone has always behaved badly doesn't mean they should be allowed to continue.

Just make sure you always have the moral high ground in terms of behaviour to your MIL. Be polite and kind - just don't be a doormat.

Good luck but I think you've got the right approach