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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handling MIL

96 replies

Efferlunt · 23/01/2015 11:14

Not sure where to start with this, but there has been some good advice on MN on this type of thing. My MIL has many good points. She adores the kids and is great with them for eg but is very controlling and opinionated. We moved quite near them last year (huge mistake for many reasons!) but they are still 20 mins away. She is generally hypercritical of other's lifestyle choices when they are different from hers (I use the wrong type of washing up sponge apparently and I was stupid for babysitting for a neighbour as she wouldn't have offered in the same situation - the list goes on)

Generally FIL DH and SIL have dealt with this over the years by not reacting and going with what she wants. I said if we were moving nearer to them I wasn't prepared to do this for the next 30 years so my approach is to challenge her politely I.e. 'I know you do x this way I prefer to do it this other way and wouldn't it be a dull world if we were all the same' or 'I know you would go to a wedding in this circumstance but I would and im the one who's been invited so I'm going' occasionally I wheel out the tried and tested. 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Any way I've just got off the phone with FIL who's very upset and wants to work out how we can stop pressing each other's buttons. I suspect he gets a lot is flack about this stuff at home. She was cross for a week because she thinks I laughed at her (she'd said she was going to tea with the village people and everyone around the table laughed but she has interpreted this as me laughing at her) he also said that she feels 'taken advantage' of re childcare. We don't rely on her for childcare - that was one of my stipulations about moving - but she does do the odd day if I have a meeting and she usually offers to pick up our youngest from childcare early once a week. Very nice for them both but not actually helpful in terms of childcare. I always thank her but I do not however show the appropriate level of gratitude for her to want to continue to do this.

Anyway FIL wants to have a 'family talk' about how we improve things. He accepts that MIL will not compromise much but hopes I can. I suppose I could try harder. This situation does not bring out the best in me -Smile but how do I set boundaries?

OP posts:
MoustacheofRonSwanson · 23/01/2015 14:47

Take SILs lead. She's had years of it!

HumphreyCobbler · 23/01/2015 14:58

The thing is though, not being accused of all sorts means that the other people would have to buy into the reality rather than the MIL fabrication. IME this is not always the case, astounding though it is. I think it stems from people not daring to contradict the 'version' propounded by the dominant person.

It seems like you can never win, but I think the OP is managing really well at the moment.

DayLillie · 23/01/2015 15:00

This sound like my DM, along with the sense of humour bypass Grin

She sounds perfectionist and controlling, and needs to realise that this is no longer the way forward.

You are obviously getting it right - hence FIL's need for the 'family meeting' to toe you back into line. But really, this sort of family management should have stopped when the children left home and became adults. Don't refuse outright - just find a way to kick it into the long grass and carry on with what you are doing (being careful that they 'really do' want to look after the children when they ask).

What would you do if you were asked to a business meeting where they were setting the agenda and there would be no compromise on the table. I think the only outcomes would be for you to compromise yourself and do what they want at your expense, or grounds for a family rift.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 23/01/2015 15:07

not being accused of all sorts means that the other people would have to buy into the reality rather than the MIL fabrication.

You have a point, sadly. op would at least have her DH on her side though, in theory, as IME it's the kiss of death if DHs don't know whether to believe their wife or their mum.

Original poster
Efferlunt · 23/01/2015 15:16

I think DH is on my side. To be honest the house move and circumstances in which it came about nearly broke our relationship but we seem to be in a better place at the moment. I think he's seperately started to his lack of relationship with his sister is down to this rather difficult family dynamic. We could never invite her to stay at ours - their mum would never forgive either of them.

On the other hand he does of course love his mum and I like FIL (and feel a bit sorry for him) and don't want to cause unecessary upset I think it's just that she needs to respect my boundaries.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/01/2015 15:19

OP, I think the fact that you say you haven't asked MIL recently for childcare is what this is all about.

SugarOnTop · 23/01/2015 15:21

I wouldn't go....and i wouldn't appease her in any way either. I'd email fil and copy mil in highlighting the incongruity of her 'complaints' and her general attitude and treatment of you.....stressing the fact that i would NOT be 'putting up' with her behaviour not allowing her to keep subjecting me to it.

she thinks 1 early pickup of dc is 'too much'? that's ok - tell her it stops NOW
next she will complain of not being allowed to see dc so pre-empt her by offering a time/day where she can spend time with dc - on the proviso that she behaves herself....because you don't want your dc 'picking up' her rude and ignorant behaviour.

stand your ground and if they get too much - let dh deal with them.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 23/01/2015 15:25

Does sound like he's emerging from the mists a bit himself, op. That could be good or bad depending on your POV; if he is aggressively on your side in a meeting then it could be spun as 'Oh, efferlunt has turned him against me, woe is me'. However, if he sticks to the 'calm and composed' line and doesn't say anything to support you but ALSO nothing to support his DM, then that would be a very clear message.

God, it sounds like such an overanalysis of a family interaction. Trouble is, it might be accurate.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 23/01/2015 15:27

Can you see the chance of any positive outcome from the meeting? Is there a possibility that you might come away feeling it was constructive and helpful?
If the answer is 'no' - politely decline, say you will try to be more tactful in future and forget about it.
But I suggest you stop using her for childcare - that seems to be fueling the fire.

LineRunner · 23/01/2015 15:32

I think the fact you stopped asking her to do the 'meeting days' childcare has wrecked her role as the martyr and saviour of the family.

She wants you to ask. And then she wants you to pay for it in whatever way she chooses.

QueenofallIsee · 23/01/2015 15:38

I don't have a similar family set up but I would say that nothing on earth would persuade me to attend a family meeting that by the organisers OWN ADMISSION, is entirely intended to make me do something. They could fuck off to the far side of fuck. And then fuck off a bit more. I would suggest that you politely say to your FIL that a family meeting implies discussion and you are quite happy with how you are handling the situation, considering that his wife is not willing to compromise. And I know its an unpopular view on Mumsnet but though I love my PILs, my being in a relationship with their son doesn't give them a vote on my behaviour so I would not attend a meeting with them about it, my life isn't a democracy, they are not on a committee therefore they don't get a platform (or a talking pillow)

DayLillie · 23/01/2015 15:39

She wants you to ask. And then she wants you to pay for it in whatever way she chooses.

This too is like my DM. She didn't do it consciously either - there was always a 'reason' (and she was always in the right).

My lovely DMIL had an awful MIL. She thought everything out logically, was firm and polite and kind. Did her 'duty' properly with no fussing and making sure that everything was right for her own family first. I think she 'won' in the end, and everyone had respect for her.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 23/01/2015 15:42

my life isn't a democracy - how true!

Original poster
Efferlunt · 23/01/2015 15:44

She wants you to ask. And then she wants you to pay for it in whatever way she chooses.

Too true. I wish I could be like your DMIL Daylillie suspect that is the answer.
I really like 'my life is not a democracy' will use it more often in conversation.

OP posts:
DayLillie · 23/01/2015 15:51

I wish I was like my DMIL too. She was always definite about things and a clear thinker, which I am not.

mix56 · 23/01/2015 16:05

Just go & laugh !

if she asks to look after the kids she moans
if she isn't asked, she moans
if she wants to you to do what SHE wants & you don't, she moans
She is probably poisoning fil's life moaning, he probably just wants everyone to rub along, & stop hearing the moaning
maybe EVERYONE should just turn to her & say "STOP MOANING"
People are people, no one is the same, you will live your life as you please.
You can of course MOVE house again.......to get a lot further way from her interfering meddling little life, you can remind her of it.

LineRunner · 23/01/2015 16:09

Why did your moving date affect her so? Was that about her offering to look after the children, too?

LineRunner · 23/01/2015 16:10

Chuck the word 'ostensibly' into that post of mine ^^

Original poster
Efferlunt · 23/01/2015 16:12

The moving date affected her because she didn't know if we would be staying over for Christmas in 9 months time (obviously we wouldn't if we lived 20 mins away) and she didn't know what she would do about beds and where everyone would sleep. (Yes really)

I pointed out that this was a bit daft and she got very very upset and didn't dpeak to us for weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Efferlunt · 23/01/2015 16:14

Agree it probably wasn't about that. But that was the reason she gave to me.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/01/2015 16:15

I agree with most - this "meeting" is making a drama out of the situation, and with everyone acknowledging that MiL won't change, then it's not about finding a 'compromise' [ = meeting in the middle, both conceding something] it's just about them trying to make you change, whereas you sound like you have been pretty restrained, considering she probably isn't your type of person at all, and you are doing your best to keep the relationship there because she is dh's Mum and your dc's Nan/Grandma
You will not gain anything by agreeing to it. I think you need to explain that to your FiL - that you are quite happy to iron out any misunderstanding there has been over childcare, for example, but there's no point in pretending you are looking for compromises if one person won't change at all.,

LineRunner · 23/01/2015 16:17

Does she ever banter or joke about anything? She seems very prickly.

LineRunner · 23/01/2015 16:19

Just to explain my interest - there are echoes of my mother. (We haven't spoken for many years.)

Original poster
Efferlunt · 23/01/2015 16:23

She does not joke much. But she's very talkative and can be engaging on some subjects. She does also spend a lot of time discussing the character flaws of her work colleagues and other people I don't know though which is dull to listen to. I tend to smile and nod.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/01/2015 16:56

Maybe she's a projector - she's very critical of others, and imagines everything is an intended criticism of her.

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