Handling MIL

[Efferlunt]

Not sure where to start with this, but there has been some good advice on MN on this type of thing. My MIL has many good points. She adores the kids and is great with them for eg but is very controlling and opinionated. We moved quite near them last year (huge mistake for many reasons!) but they are still 20 mins away. She is generally hypercritical of other's lifestyle choices when they are different from hers (I use the wrong type of washing up sponge apparently and I was stupid for babysitting for a neighbour as she wouldn't have offered in the same situation - the list goes on)

Generally FIL DH and SIL have dealt with this over the years by not reacting and going with what she wants. I said if we were moving nearer to them I wasn't prepared to do this for the next 30 years so my approach is to challenge her politely I.e. 'I know you do x this way I prefer to do it this other way and wouldn't it be a dull world if we were all the same' or 'I know you would go to a wedding in this circumstance but I would and im the one who's been invited so I'm going' occasionally I wheel out the tried and tested. 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Any way I've just got off the phone with FIL who's very upset and wants to work out how we can stop pressing each other's buttons. I suspect he gets a lot is flack about this stuff at home. She was cross for a week because she thinks I laughed at her (she'd said she was going to tea with the village people and everyone around the table laughed but she has interpreted this as me laughing at her) he also said that she feels 'taken advantage' of re childcare. We don't rely on her for childcare - that was one of my stipulations about moving - but she does do the odd day if I have a meeting and she usually offers to pick up our youngest from childcare early once a week. Very nice for them both but not actually helpful in terms of childcare. I always thank her but I do not however show the appropriate level of gratitude for her to want to continue to do this.

Anyway FIL wants to have a 'family talk' about how we improve things. He accepts that MIL will not compromise much but hopes I can. I suppose I could try harder. This situation does not bring out the best in me - but how do I set boundaries?

Yes that could be it If I say something about it being hard work juggling demanding part time work and family stuff she will alway say 'well in my day I worked extremely hard at x y and z and never complained' I've been really irrtated by this assuming she was trying to start some sort of competition about who works the hardest but actually I wonder if she thinks I'm having a go at her for only ever having low-paid TA type jobs which is not the case at all. I think we might need to give each other the benefit of the doubt a little more often.

Yes - it sounds like there may be something in that.

Sounds like she had a really critical mum (or similar), now interprets everything that is said to her as a criticism, and finds it really hard to take criticism because of all the hurt her mum's criticism caused her.

She did have an awful awful childhood and difficult relationship with her mum who was very discouraging. She ended up living with a teacher so she could complete her A levels. I don't really want to have an emotionally invested relationship with her and I think that may be what upsets her. I will try and be more forgiving of the small stuff though for the sake of us all getting along.

So she dragged you to a previous meeting to throw a fit over your house move, has created a situation where you don't feel able to invite DH's own sister and now expects you to attend another meeting where only you will be expected to compromise??

Forget it, OP - everyone else is right that no good will come of it and you'll just be giving her the attention she craves. Not much point in "feeling sorry" for FIL either; since he's enabled her he can hardly complain about the consequences

I have a very similar MIL myself and find the only answer is a cool, polite refusal to engage on the very few occasions when I really can't avoid her

Thing is I don't think she will ever understand her behaviour to be a problem - after all no one else has told her that it is. I need to find a way this will work without compromising too much.

Totally agree. If she had insight into her own behaviour and the unhappiness it caused and wanted to change it could be different- you might be able to build something proper with her gradually. But f she isn't aware it's a problem, or isn't prepared to change you're on a hiding to nothing getting involved- you'd just bang your head against a wall.

The little "rub along but don't get involved or engage on a real level" compromises might be easier if you feel a bit sorry for her based on her childhood though. And maybe it will also be easier not to compromise on the big stuff if you keep remind yourself of one really important thing. You are helping break the negative cycle (in which she is perpetrator as well as a victim) by refusing to go along with that behaviour, and by limiting the extent to which your own children are exposed to it.

Good luck.

She sounds quite damaged. I think you are right to be wary. Understanding and having compassion is not the same thing as accepting proximity.

And as pp have said, definitely watch out for what your children are exposed to.

I would take her more seriously than she intends.
If she expresses a feeling that she is being taken advantage of for child care I would say "Oh dear, we're so sorry-we'll make a different arrangement" but remain polite.
Unless your husband is very strong and would support you you would be very disadvantaged in a family meeting.

God, I hate the term 'family meetings'. It's not a business, it's a family! 'Family meetings' generally turn out to be one member being called on the carpet or one member being the 'presiding member' who lectures the rest on their behaviour or duties. Gag.

I'd decline the 'meeting' and say 'but if you want to get together and talk…..'. Just the subtle difference, 'talk' vs 'meeting' may put a different spin on it.

Understanding and having compassion is not the same thing as accepting proximity ... definitely watch out for what your children are exposed to

^^ This. I completely get that you'd like to find a solution here - and in view of her behaviour it's actually very good of you to try

Trouble is there's little chance of her showing empathy after so long; you obviously know her best, but unless you want the label of family scapegoat you might just have to accept there's nothing to be done except remain polite and detached

The really good news is that your DH is on board - believe me the alternative is hideous, as I know to my cost

Meeting sounds a total set up. I def wouldn't go. I think one needs to be kind, fair, know where your boundaries are and then stick to them like glue!

She sounds very like my MIL. None of it is particularly unreasonable on the face of it but the package (and the years of putting up with it) add up. Good luck!

We could never invite her to stay at ours - their mum would never forgive either of them.

Somethign is very wrong. In a normal relationship, asking your sil is not even a matter for comment.

She ended up living with a teacher so she could complete her A levels.

She lived in a hell, to take this option. Believe me.

At a guess the home situation that produced the situation where it was better to live with a teacher was so deeply dysfunctional that it was incurable. Sometimes the situatin the teen runs to is better than the situation they came from and the teacher helps, no matter what anyone says.

Do not go to the meeting!

TBH, how you and your MIL manage your relationship is between the two of you and is nobody else's business unless it impinges on them.

The fact that your MIL attempts to control you and that you resist/deflect this is probably what is at the root of all this. She sounds very insecure and attempting to deal with that by organising everything in her life in a very precise way and then reacting negatively when she tries to extend this into your life only to be meet with failure.

Perhaps this is related to her childhood, which sounds very sad. However, that is no reason for her to try to interfere with your life and then to stir things up to the extent that a summons to "family meeting" is issued.

Tell FIL you are very upset and have been very upset on many occasions by MILs behaviour. And that perhaps some time and space for both families would be best for everyone. Take control back! She's done this before but I'm guessing she will feel very differently when she is not the instigator.

FIL is assisting MIL in her manipulation and trying to lay a guilt trip on you too. Remind him that you have your own family that consists of you, DH and your DC and that you are perfectly entitled to do things differently from MIL without any comment or criticism from her.

And the "Village People" incident where you were singled out for the cold shoulder was MIL reinventing the facts and then bullying you. Which is cruel, petty and vindictive.

She might be great with your DC now, but your DH and SIL seem to be somewhat damaged by their upbringing, so consider carefully how she might impact on your DC.

You set your boundaries and she is pushing against them. She's giving FIL grief about it, he knows he can't change her so he's trying to get you to back down for the sake of a quiet life.

If you are happy with your boundaries you have nothing to gain from a "meeting", the main aim of which is to get you to change them.

If you don't want confrontation then gradual disengagement is the way to go. As others said, don't ask for childcare and end up "owing" her for it. Don't accept her offers of childcare, money, gifts etc as there are clearly strings attached.

Go. Give her a bollocking and hope she doesn't speak to you for months.

Ideal way to get a break from her.

Why would you bother going to this meeting? I don't understand the dilemma - sorry.

Let FiL or whoever contact you again about this and just explain you don't want to or feel the need to have a family meeting. You don't need to add anything else even if people try to tell you you should attend to please MiL. If she is that bothered surely she would ask? Even if she did you don't have to attend.

I also Agree with all pp about never using them for childcare again.

I would limit visits to the ILs as the manipulation and blackmail makes them sound pretty horrible and so I wouldn't want them around my children too often either.

I would text mil or email her a simple 'if I have inadvertently upset you then I'm genuinely sorry as I didn't mean too and I only wish you had felt you could speak to me about it so i could have rectified it.'

I would then get dh to contact fil and say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry if mum has felt put upon dw & I didn't realise, as she never said. I've spoken to the nursery and arranged that x will be staying full days again on x day from this week so please let mum know she doesn't have to worry anymore. I don't think we need a family meeting though as its not a full family matter and as dw and I have apologised and recitified the situation then hopefully she will feel better about'.
If dh dare not say that to his dad then I would happily say it myself substituting dw and I for your son and I but as you've apologised, and rectified the situation they can't really complain without looking like tools themselves.

How about putting her on the back foot by 'killing her with kindness'...don't even mention the Family Meeting.

'Dear mil,

I understand from fil that there is some ongoing misunderstanding between us which is upsetting you. I can assure you mil it has never been my intention to offend you in any way. We think you are both wonderful grandparents, as do [dc's names] and of course you are welcome to see them as often as you wish. If you'd rather not collect xx from nursery for now and spend the rest of the afternoon together as you have done sometimes recently, that is of course fine. We completely understand. He/she is such a busy little person - let nursery deal with all that energy and you can see her/him at ours, as I said, whenever you like!

And I know dh and I do certain things differently to you, mil, in terms of bringing up our young family, but that is absolutely no reflection on your character or skills. We are all individuals after all.

So if I have offended you, I sincerely apologise. It would be lovely if we could all have Sunday lunch soon at ours. The days are slowly lengthening so there might even be time to go to the park to feed the ducks afterwards. Are you both free on xx or xx?

Love Efferlunt and dh xx

optional PS
PS We and dcs, (especially little x!) love your trifle/roulade/chocolate sponge so much. If it's really no trouble, it would make his/her day if you'd like to bring some.