the worst MIL thread you've read

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What's the worst story about a MIL have you read on here? What were her antics? I read another thread that mentioned that there are some awful stories here on MN. Just wanted to know what they were? Alternatively, what about DILs... are there any stories that you've read on here which have shocked youm it's such a tricky relationship sometimes.

living that's terrible, talking about taking baby away! Just beyond comprehension.

My MIL would never say that but (due to me being preg and hormonal) when she talks about taking the baby out, having it to stay, use a dummy, buying own baby equipment (all the while forgetting I will be breastfeeding so baby is going nowhere for quite some time), I get all "grrrr" and feel invaded. DH doesn't really understand this - well he wouldn't because that's his own Mum!

The dynamic is quite fragile I think.
MIL is related to baby so feels fine to make such comments. But she is not related to DIL who is carrying the baby so the comments hurt. MIL has equal standing with DM as Grandparent. This can be hard to deal with for DIL. After giving birth to DC I instinctively want my Mum who gave birth to me to be around. I'm sorry but MIL doesn't come into it for me at that point. I can also understand that it will be hard for MIL because I would naturally favour my own Mum.

OK I realise I am on thin ice here and this could (and probably will) backfire but here goes. The one thing I know that most of you don't is what it feels like when your grandchildren come along (especially your first) I will try to explain.

First a bit of history: We were living at home with my parents when I was a young mother and saving for our own place. MIL was very bossy about what to do with the baby and was for ever telling me stories about when her kids were young etc etc. I saw a real change in her, as we had got along fine before the baby arrived. Strangely I saw a similar kind of change in my own mom (not that she was bossy - far from it) but she did start talking about when we were babies (I'm the youngest of 4 girls) my older sisters were all married with babies but had their own place and none of them lived at home like I did. They all lived nearby and were always visiting and my mom loved all the children and thrived on being a grandmother, but I did notice a bit of a change with my baby, as I said she talked a lot about when we were babies.

I didn't need MIL's advice because I had my own mom and my sisters and knew a lot about babies anyway. Looking back I think MIL might have felt left out as me, my mom and sisters were all very close. Anyway I had to bite my tongue and I did, and my mom advised me to do this, saying that she would probably calm down later, as this was her first grandchild, and that's exactly what happened. She was thought not my sort of woman but I found some "middle ground" and we rubbed alone together well enough and I supported her in the last few years of her life when was old and frail. My kids have happy memories of their paternal grandmother.

FF to me and when my first grandchild was born. WOW I was over the moon and I was lucky enough to have a lovely DIL ( she didn't get on with her own mother so that helped!) but the feelings that this little baby girl aroused in me were astonishing. And YES I did start to remember being a young mom - it all came flooding back and I found myself humming the same little tunes to her as I held her as I had when holding my own babies. The feeling was overpowering and I just wasn't prepared for it. Thank god I was only 12 miles away and though working full time, went over every week (sometimes more than once) but I never never gave advice/interfered in any way. It would be 5 years before another grandchild came along and this son and DIL lived some 200 miles away so I didn't get to see him in the same way but the feelings were just as intense but I recognised them this time. And even with the first born the feelings diluted as she grew.........mind I'd die in a heartbeat for any of my grandchildren.

SO I suppose I can understand a little more why MILs or even DMs give advice and think they know best.........I made a pledge with myself all those years ago with my own bossy MIL that I would never be like that if ever I had a DIL and I've kept that pledge all through the year. Mind I'm not a bossy person by nature and in any event I am a great believer in a mother's instinct and of course baby rearing has changed so much than when I was having mine over 40 years ago! It all seems so much easier these days........maybe these overbearing MILs have similar feelings to mine but just can't "reign in those feelings" and they spill out into the advice giving and undermining the DIL, probably not consciously, almost certainly not consciously.

Waiting to be shot down in flames!

Very thoughtful and insightful post NanaNina.

I suspect Nananina is right about the feelings underpinning this behaviour. But these overbearing MILs are adults, with more life experience than the DILs and without the post-pregnancy hormones, so really have less excuse to not get a grip on themselves...?

Do you post about this on Gransnet Nana? The MIL world needs to know !

NanaNina I've often thought (and continue to think) that I wish to God that you were my MIL. Honestly. Every line oozes with love for your dgc - and your ds and dil. It's palpable and, fwiw, I'm very, very jealous that you obviously have such a wonderful relationship.

But, sadly, not everyone is the same.

I've had 15 years of my mil (and fil, to a greater or lesser extent) putting DH down, making it very clear that he is second best (he has one older brother), and that I am useful for nothing more than incubating a child.

I was told at 17 that it was pointless continuing with my education and that we should get married and provide them with grandchildren. Yes, that was 15 years ago and these comments started within 3 weeks of us starting dating.

Now that I'm pg with dc1, I have never, ever seen them (mil especially) so excited. When we got married they were barely interested. In fact they caused DH (and I) a huge amount of heartache. Tomorrow we are going over there for Sunday lunch - they invited us "just becausethey would like to see us" - for the first time in EIGHT YEARS. Suddenly they have a reason to want to know us, rather than put us down and show no interest in our lives whatsoever. The vast majority of invites we have extended to them - coffee visits/dinner/even staying with us so that travel to see MIL's elderly mother would be slightly easier - all rebuffed. Mostly without reason - just a flat "no thank you".

Example - DH was made redundant 2 years ago. Mil made it quite clear that she was disinterested because her PFB "might" be made redundant in the following few months.

Another example - mil sat in our garden, on DH's birthday, eating our food and drinking our wine, loudly declaring that a mother's first born is always their favourite and that it can't be helped DH is 4 years younger than BIL. She also openly says that she was so disappointed that DH was a boy that they considered adopting a girl

What I'm trying to say (not very succinctly) is that not everyone is the same. I wish to God I had a good relationship with my ILs, and DH and I have both tried to have a good relationship with them but in vain. We repeatedly lead the horse to water but they won't even take a sip.

I do find it hurtful that people say that MIL's are bashed unfairly on here. Any group bashing at all isn't on, but I think people forget that it isn't a case of targeting a particular group. Each thread that is started is generally as a result of a problem in a relationship. Now that could be a problem with a DP/DH/brother/sister/IL/the visiting Martian from up the road. It doesn't matter. Yes, some posts are pretty unreasonable, but surely the point of MN is to offer advice and support - not to bollock posters for having the gall to have a problem in a particular relationship.

it's a lovely post, nina.

But you must be aware, you more than most, that not everyone is nice. When someone who isn't nice becomes a MIL ... they remain the same person.

fwiw, my MIL can be overbearing - both her sons find her so, a couple of friends have openly said so, and her SIL finds her so. But we get on very, very well. Mostly we nod and smile at the endless (rather irritating) stream of advice, sometimes we take it, occasionally we have to make a stand and say No. But she is golden hearted and would do anything for her grandchildren and we love her dearly. As I've said before, I asked her to be present at the birth of the boys both times.

But that doesn't mean that all MILs are that nice!!

The thing is, you don't need to have a fantastic relationship with your in laws. Great if you do. But cordial is fine. Neutral is OK. The people who need to have a relationship with them is the children. Massively lower expectations of your relationship with them and focus on the grandpar nt side. Oh, and something struck me. Ohfour said "The vast majority of invites we have extended to them - coffee visits/dinner/even staying with us so that travel to see MIL's elderly mother would be slightly easier - all rebuffed. Mostly without reason - just a flat "no thank you". There was a thread recently when lots of people were saying that "no thank you" was all you needed to say to anything a grandparent suggested. I was roundly berated for suggesting that any more was required.

Not all grandparent figures are kind and loving however.

Children do not need a relationship with grandparent figures who covertly criticise either their son or his choice of wife on a regular basis.

You see Hakluyt I'm with you (I think!) - I think that if a perfectly polite invite is extended then "no thank you" on its own is actually bloody rude.

Mind you, the worst we've had is "let us think about it" then we're just not given an answer.

It took BIL 19 months to give DH an answer to "will you be my best man". The answer was no, because he didn't want to be a part of the day. He was quite happy being an usher though. DH was pretty gutted about that one

Completely understand and take your point that a good relationship is not needed, and cordial/neutral is ok. But when they are so, well, nasty about DH - their own son - I'm buggered if I'm going to be bending over backwards to facilitate a relationship with dc1 when he/she arrives. I've tried repeatedly and all efforts have been ignored, so the effort this time is going to have to come from them.

Just to be clear, it wasn't as much the "no" that DH was gutted about - we could both understand that.

It was the fact that we only got an answer 19 months down the line and, in that time, BIL didn't mention DH's question/the wedding ONCE.

I'm 33/40 with dc1 - mil has said congratulations, fil and BIL have not. Bil especially couldn't give a fuck - but he gets annoyed if we don't show more than a courteous interest in his hobbies (sport and toy collecting).

"Children do not need a relationship with grandparent figures who covertly criticise either their son or his choice of wife on a regular basis."

Agreed. But most people are not like that. Most people are just doing the best they can.

My fil was able to revisit and put to rest a lot of the unhappiness of his on childhood through his grandchildren. And he was able to allay a lot of the guilt he felt for not being as good a father as he would have liked to be (4 children by the age of 22- largely absent through work- no money etc) through them too. I was pleased they made him happy. And if it meant among other things,a small ocean of pink plastic objects, then so be it.

YY Hakluyt - most people are just doing the best they can.

But there is a not inconsiderable proportion of people out there who are just nasty fuckwits

Heart

I am not saying there aren't ghastly parents inlaw. Of course there are- there are ghastly people in the world. It's just the only ones who aren't cut any slack are pils. And, while some undoubtedly some don't deserve any slack, most do. Because most people do.

And my dil's method of resolving his "issues" consisted of gazing at his grandchildren for hours and singing interminable songs in Irish, interspersed with doing enormous supermarket shops and buying most of the Argos catalogue every Christmas. Nothing too hard to take, but (apart from the gazing and the Irish songs) things that I have seen complained about bitterly on here! But because I knew what was going on, I accepted the shopping and the Barbies in the spirit they were given. He wasn't trying to take over, or criticise our housekeeping- he as trying to help and show his love in the only way he knew how.

Parents in law like parents, for good or ill, wield much influence on family and family life much more so than friends or various forms of media.

I am completely aware that not all inlaws are emotionally unhealthy and that there are many out there who are decent human beings. This is also because they are at heart decent people who care for and consider others. The fact remains though that many are not and that has to be considered too (which you have).

Its when their own influence becomes too overbearing (mainly because these people are themselves emotionally unhealthy and have been for many years) that it becomes a real problem. This type of scenario usually happens around the time that the couple get married or when the couple's first child is born.

Also many people who come across such familial dysfunction are often poleaxed by this because they have never seen these types of behaviour before (their own family was open and nice). They think its all their fault that this is happening to them. They then try and think of solutions, apologise and compromise but difficult and emotionally unhealthy people regardless of whether they are ILs or not never compromise, apologise or even accept responsibility for their own actions.

Just because you're a MIL doesn't mean you have to be offended by other MILs behaviour. I'm not offended by all DILs behaviour. I know a right corker of a DIL... she's shocking, but on the other hand my own MIL was difficult when 1st child born. I just wanted a debate really...not a load of people getting offended by general chat.

Atilla your last paragraph has been a bit of lightbulb moment for me.

They think its all their fault that this is happening to them

Yes - a million times. I'm sorry to say that almost every single time I've got drunk from the age of 17 was a result of "not being good enough". I completely admit that I have my own issues anyway (my MH isn't great and I do generally have problems with not feeling good enough) but almost every time has resulted in me bawling my eyes out that I'm not the dil my ILs wanted. I find it extremely, extremely depressing and I've never felt particularly liked.

I'm not putting the blame for this with my ILs, but I think it's a bit of a "perfect storm" situation