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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a terrible person? I feel awful/

112 replies

FleurDeCassis · 21/01/2015 20:55

Very randomly a guy I knew from school messaged me on FB, he dated a friend of mine whilst we were at school (nothing serious) but apart from that we never even spoke.

He messaged me and it got a lot more flirty. He also has a girlfriend and they have a mortgage together etc

If I'm truly honest I liked the attention (I'm single) but I never had any intention of meeting up with him.

Anyway his partner found the messages and he said we have to end this now.

I just replied with - end what exactly? There isn't anything to end

He replied - exactly.

We haven't spoken since and I don't intend to.

I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 21/01/2015 21:03

It was a bit of a silly thing to do OP but I don't think you should be "shot at dawn".

I'd ask myself why I needed to enter into a conversation like that with the bloke.

If I were his girlfriend he'd be hauled right over the coals and quite possibly dumped. He's the one in a relationship looking elsewhere.

Pickuupinmynova · 21/01/2015 21:15

Technically, you haven't done anything wrong, you don't owe her anything bla bla bla, but why would you have that kind of conversation with somebody who already has a partner?

Because a) he is obviously an arse and b) how would you like it?

CurlyWurlyCake · 21/01/2015 22:08

You feel like a terrible person because he was caught out?

Cabrinha · 21/01/2015 22:58

You flirted with someone in a relationship.
I think "terrible" is quite an extreme word.
But you know, it doesn't make you a good person, does it?

I know the popular view on here is that HE is the one mainly responsible. And I agree with that as it happens.
But I don't think it absolves the other person.

"there isn't anything to end"

You wait until it's you with your heart in your mouth and feeling like you've been kicked in the stomach when you discover and read the man you love flirting with someone else.

You'd realise then that yes, there was "something to end".

It's good you feel terrible. Work out why you behaved so shoddily so you don't do it again.

mynewpassion · 21/01/2015 23:04

I think its a dick response from you and especially from him. She should kick him to the curb. No respect for her.

Original poster

FleurDeCassis · 21/01/2015 23:18

"there isn't anything to end"

I meant it as in there isnt anything to end because I feel nothing towards him. If he stopped messaging me like he said I would not care less.

I just feel bad about his partner.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 21/01/2015 23:21

Oh goodness, so you pissed all over another person's relationship, when you weren't even bothered about their partner.
Yeah. You should feel terrible.

What there is to END is the shitty thing you have played your part in doing to her.

VanitasVanitatum · 21/01/2015 23:24

Nothing really to enjoy in the attentions of such a dickhead really, is there.

Sounds like you need to work on your self esteem.

Tinks42 · 21/01/2015 23:29

Am not sure about the pissing all over another persons relationship here. It wouldnt have happened if the bloke wasn't looking for a bit of "extra" stimulation, which equals arsehole who has a relationship and is not quite in it.

OP, you said you didnt feel good about it and of course you wouldnt. Being single is very lonely at times, its hardly the crime that that arse committed but hopefully its taught you a lesson.

I think its disgusting to paint the op as the "harlot" that lures men from their families. In my opinion, its the man in those families who is the pig that would look to stray regardless.

ghostinthecanvas · 21/01/2015 23:30

She has something to end now op. The trust in her relationship is gone. They live together. There was nothing harmless about it.

Tinks42 · 21/01/2015 23:31

He ended "his" trusting relationship by doing what he did. He wasnt blindly let by another.

Tinks42 · 21/01/2015 23:31

led

Tinks42 · 21/01/2015 23:39

No one own anyone else. People enter into a relationship which involves trust from the other party unless its open where both parties embark on other sexual encounters. So many women scream at the "other" woman due to not wanting to lay blame where it should be laid.

YOUR partner took vows or whatever and shattered them. This is where blame lies not with anyone else.

HE betrayed you.

AriBelle · 22/01/2015 00:18

She has something to end now op. The trust in her relationship is gone. They live together. There was nothing harmless about it.

I believe that it definitely takes two. But if the trust is gone in his relationship thats purely his fault.

Also by the sounds of the OP he messaged first.

He's an arse for actively going for someone else and being the one to start it when he was in a relationship.

I'd feel differently if the OP was the one messaging him first and repeatedly messaging him until he gave in, but I don't believe that is what happened here.

Tinks42 · 22/01/2015 00:23

If it wasnt you OP it would have been another.

I'd see it as a jolt to want better for yourself.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 22/01/2015 00:29

I completely agree with Cabrinha.

So, what are you looking for, op? Do you have a question? Is there an aspect of this which you want to discuss? Because your post seems to be more of a declaration of self flagellation than anything else. I'm not really sure how to 'respond' to that, other than to say - OK!

Tinks42 · 22/01/2015 00:39

I'd say lets not hang the single girl here. Let's hang, draw and quarter the person in a relationship.

Tinks42 · 22/01/2015 00:42

Your issues are with the person who you cant trust anymore. The person who broke that trust. There will always be temptation.

CurlyWurlyCake · 22/01/2015 10:52

He broke his partners trust, I get that and that for the girlfriend should be a focus.

But.

Op knew he was in a relationship and still felt it was ok to reply to his messages and get flirty with him. Wasn't bothered that she was being used by a two timing dick head until he got caught and then she started to feel like a terrible person.

Op needs some self respect and morals.

Why not hang the single girl? Why should the single girl feel free to text and flirt with another womens (all be it not worthy) partner. Why shouldn't she take some responsibility for her part she has played?

Fudgeface123 · 22/01/2015 12:14

He shouldn't have done it but you shouldn't have reciprocated knowing he was in a relationship and especially because you state you have no interest in him. If I were his girlfriend, I'd be extremely pissed off too...at the pair of you.

ghostinthecanvas · 22/01/2015 12:18

The op isn't really about the bloke . Its about her. Yes. The bloke is a fault but so is the op. I am quite happy to hang them both. Op didn't even care about the bloke. Why do it? Why interact at all? For an ego boost? Totally selfish, two people never gave the partner a single thought but op didn't give two people a thought either. She doesn't care about the bloke and 'feels bad' for the partner. The partner she knew existed.

pictish · 22/01/2015 12:29

You replied with "end what exactly?" which was an arsey as fuck reply, that insinuates the gf is stupid somehow, or perhaps interfering in your fun with her bf. It's not a contrite reply, or a respectful one...it's confrontational and inappropriate.
If I were her I'd be round to give you a slap for your cheek.

FluffyTheEvilOne · 22/01/2015 12:30

You flirted with a man who you knew was in a relationship. Whether or not you intended it to go any further isn't the issue here. Yes, there are worse things you could have done, and I don't think this amounts to an EA, quite, but if I caught my DH sending and receiving flirty messages from another woman I wouldn't give a shit if she was single if she knew I existed, she would be in the wrong as much as my DH.
Realise that you have had quite a lucky escape, and feel for the girlfriend whose trust in her partner has been ruined.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 22/01/2015 14:27

Affairs wouldn't happen if every adult member of society had moral integrity. Claiming that someone in the ops position is not in some way responsible, encourages the perpetuation of irresponsibility in our society and harm through inconsideration to other human beings.

Is harmful inconsideration for others, a dynamic to be encouraged in our society? Is it something which should be forgiven? I don't think so. Maybe if it wasn't, more 'harlots' (to use your term, Twink), might think twice before enabling cheats.

For the sake of social integrity, cheats and those who choose to enable their existence, are equally responsible, as far as I'm concerned.

FluffyTheEvilOne · 22/01/2015 15:04

Blimey. The judgemental pomposity is strong in this one.

Denouncing women as 'harlots' helps no one. The OP fucked up, badly, but what she did is not all she is as a person.

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