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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I a terrible person? I feel awful/

112 replies

FleurDeCassis · 21/01/2015 20:55

Very randomly a guy I knew from school messaged me on FB, he dated a friend of mine whilst we were at school (nothing serious) but apart from that we never even spoke.

He messaged me and it got a lot more flirty. He also has a girlfriend and they have a mortgage together etc

If I'm truly honest I liked the attention (I'm single) but I never had any intention of meeting up with him.

Anyway his partner found the messages and he said we have to end this now.

I just replied with - end what exactly? There isn't anything to end

He replied - exactly.

We haven't spoken since and I don't intend to.

I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 22/01/2015 15:12

Well if you feel bad hopefully the next time someone who is in a relationship, mortgage or not, repeatedly flirts with you, you know what to do.

I'm glad he was caught. It's possible the gf is telling all her pals what happened and who you are. God the shame! I wouldn't like to be you.........stay away from men who are taken.

dirtybadger · 22/01/2015 15:12

Against popular opinion (?) you didnt behave ideally, but whatever, it's happened now. Don't bother feeling terrible. We are all shit people some times. Do bad things. Forgive yourself and make sure you don't do it again. You're not responsible for his shitty behaviour, only yours. Consider why you needed the attention and managed to enjoy it, and sort that. I'm single and love a compliment but there's nothing complimentary about someone in a relationship coming onto you- it's a bloody insult IMO.

Forgive yourself and move on. And I know what you mean there wasn't anything to end. There wasn't literally "nothing" (you were talking) but I would probably have responded similiairly (if I ever somehow got myself in that position).

pompodd · 22/01/2015 15:23

I think suggesting that the OP and the boyfriend have equal responsibility is going a bit far.

The boyfriend owed duties of loyalty to his girlfriend. The OP owed no such duties to her. At most I guess you might say that she owed duties to the girlfriend not to be a party to a deception which, had she known about it, would have hurt her.

So whilst what the OP did probably wasn't her finest hour, I don't think she should feel like a terrible person. No-one is perfect and as dirtybadger said, I think she should focus on why she needed the attention and managed to enjoy it when, for most people, that sort of attention should have been seen as insulting and not something to be encouraged.

Cabrinha · 22/01/2015 15:26

Fluffy nobody called her a harlot. One person used the term harlot, and they actually used "harlot" and used it only in the context to say she wasn't one Confused

So perhaps not as much pomposity as you thought?

You say that one act is not the person that she is. I agree. But I think we are the sum of our acts.

This act was lower down the scale than drowning kittens, or parking in a blue badge spot Grin but it wasn't good.

I think a good few people were more annoyed at the combination of "oh I feel terrible" with "nothing to end anyway". Needs less of the attention seeking "I feel bad therefore I must be a good person" and more of the ownership of what she did, I think.

Jan45 · 22/01/2015 15:28

You hardly committed a crime but you know yourself it's not really nice behaviour when you are well aware he's with someone, personally for me, that would be the biggest turn off in history and I'd have probably told him so.

Cabrinha · 22/01/2015 15:29

And on the point made by several that she should look at why she needed to attention seek by flirting with him...

Surely this thread is simply more attention seeking?

It's over and done with, no repercussions for her, she didn't care about the bloke.

Why does she need to post that she feels terrible?

For more attention.

Why the attention seeking OP, in both instances?

motherinferior · 22/01/2015 15:41

I'm with Tinks. And dirtybadger.

I'm sorry. He sounds a bit of an arse, really. Stop beating yourself up about it.

FluffyTheEvilOne · 22/01/2015 16:27

cabrinha, AmantesSunAmentes's post to which I referred is
Maybe if it wasn't, more 'harlots' (to use your term, Twink), might think twice before enabling cheats.

Reads to me as though AmantesSunAmentes's use of inverted commas is to indicate that the word is quoted from another poster, but that, taken in context with the rest of the post, is in this case meant in its usual way. AmantesSunAmentes's whole post, while I largely agree with his/her other posts, stinks of superiority, going on about moral and social integrity, as though (s)he has it all worked out and can look down at the rest of us from on high... (I have met many people who talk like this irl, and they are, without exception, arrogant and pompous)

I do agree with the rest of your post though, cabrinha, although my point about what OP did not being all she is as a person was that we have no idea how she conducts herself normally, whether she's done anything like this before, what has happened that has led up to this point. Don't get me wrong, I have very little sympathy for people who knowingly get involved with those in relationships, but I'm not going to denounce her entire personality on the basis of one action. In short, we don't have the entire sum of her actions, just one tiny (albeit significant) part of the equation.

desertmum · 22/01/2015 19:22

I've said this before, but every time a woman flirts or kisses or shags another woman's partner or boyfriend or husband she is betraying women in general. We really are our own worst enemy - and to flirt with someone you really aren't interested in as an ego boost is horrible, and cruel.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 22/01/2015 20:19

AmantesSunAmentes's whole post, while I largely agree with his/her other posts, stinks of superiority, going on about moral and social integrity, as though (s)he has it all worked out and can look down at the rest of us from on high... (I have met many people who talk like this irl, and they are, without exception, arrogant and pompous)

Fluffy, there's nothing wrong with being invested in social integrity - we all should be, shouldn't we? If we aren't, our society suffers a moral deficit and people go on treating people like utter crap.

I sound superior? Maybe, on this subject I feel it. I've been wronged twice, in quite horiffic and disasterous ways (think std's and the near blinding of my baby) yet I've never wronged anyone. I've been pissed right up, I've been lonely, I've been at rock bottom, emotionally and in terms of self esteem. Have I chosen to fuck someone else's life up, just to make myself feel all better? No. Never. I never have and I never will. This doesn't make me more entitled that anyone else to hold a view but I am equally entitled to hold a view and that is bound to be based in my experience and perspective, just as yours is.

If I'm arrogant it's in the belief that we, as a species, can and should step the fuck up and stop behaving like impulsive little animals. Stop pretending 'no-one's going to get hurt' or 'she's not my partner, so if she's hurt, it's not my fault'. BS! I'm not prepared to believe people are stupid enough to believe that, so, what's left? Malice.

I'm not a fan of malicious people. I'm not a fan of people who knowingly engage with other peoples partners. I'm not a fan of cheats. I think the way we treat all three, shapes society. That makes me appear arrogant, superior or pompous? Fine. I don't feel arrogant, pompous or superior. I feel hopeful that one day, people will stop to think before and not after lives are damaged and people are hurt. It really, really shouldn't be as difficult as some people seem to find it!

Ouchbloodyouch · 22/01/2015 23:19

I just don't understand why you would want to flirt with someone who is in a relationship? Why would you want to be an ego stroke on the side?
I believe there are 0898 (or modern day equivalent ) for that. If on the rare occasion I am hit on by someone in a relationship I feel a bit grubby.
I'm good enough for the dreaded 'banter' or flirting but not good enough to enter into a relationship with?
I despair when I read about the other woman owing nothing to the other female. Maybe not but you owe it to yourself to be of a higher value than the bit on the side whether it be an emotional or physical affair.

TaintedAngel · 22/01/2015 23:42

I think people need to give you a bit of a break. You didn't add him. He added you. The flirting began. He willingly took part. You are not the one with a relationship. You are not his mother so It's not your job to take responsibility for his actions or the choice he made to flirt with you. His relationship; his choice.

desertmum · 23/01/2015 07:49

but she is responsible for her actions which was to flirt with a man she knows is in a relationship where his partner is upset by it and then admitting she feels nothing for this man - it was obviously just a big ego boost - we all read every day vbout the angst of the wife/girl friend / partner and all the blame goes on the man - but as women we also need to take responsibility - she is betraying women with her actions and if we all stopped being the OW then the world would be a much better place. OW are not blameless in all this - they are enablers of adulterous men which is my book is shameful.

pictish · 23/01/2015 07:58

I'm not giving her a hard time for being the wicked woman who tempted away the weak man with all her flirty tricks, because that's bullshit.
I'm giving her a hard time over the arsey reply she sent to the girlfriend!
"end what exactly?"
Fuck off.

pictish · 23/01/2015 07:59

P.s that's not fuck off to you Angel...sorry...that's fuck off to the reply.

AmysTiara · 23/01/2015 08:08

I'm not sure what you feel terrible about. Is it guilt because you upset the girlfriend or sadness because you can't be in contact with him anymore.

Either way you say you don't care about this man so why bother getting into flirty conversations with him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/01/2015 08:24

I read it as, he told OP what his gf had said and OP responded to him.

Anyway whether or not you were interested in taking things further OP, he was in it for ego strokes at the very least. Honest of you to acknowledge you liked the attention. I don't think you're a terrible person but if you knew from the outset he's involved with someone you might ask yourself why you kept the exchange going.

NothingLeftToBurn · 23/01/2015 12:55

I'm giving her a hard time over the arsey reply she sent to the girlfriend!
"end what exactly?"
Fuck off.

Confused

She didn't say that to the girlfriend.

The OP said that to the guy.

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 13:01

Totally disagree with the situation being all HIS fault, she knowingly got involved with a guy in a relationship, there was no doubt about that, the deceit probably added to the excitement, not a crime no, but a pretty shitty thing to do to another woman.

Also don't believe the OP wouldn't have met him, bet she would've if g/f hadn't caught them out.

Why the hell you would want to even flirt with a guy who was clearly using you is beyond me.

rb32 · 23/01/2015 13:17

It's kind of symptomatic of the kind of society we live in. Doing stuff for yourself and not giving a toss about anyone else aslong as you're ok. Like dropping litter - I don't give a fuck so I'll just do it even though it's spoiling everyone elses environment. Or scraping up against someone else's car and just leaving without finding out whos it is and letting them know. Your car might be a 15 year old shed and don't care, but the other cars owner might.

Basically the OP did what she wanted to, knowing she was being cruel to someone else but didn't care because she was alright. Not nice, hopefully she won't do it again now she feels terrible.

NothingLeftToBurn · 23/01/2015 13:20

I don't get this whole she let women down thing.

Not one person has said he's let men down.

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 13:22

Well the OP doesn't have a partner so why would anyone?

NothingLeftToBurn · 23/01/2015 13:33

Well the OP doesn't have a partner so why would anyone?

Hmm

Because there is both a man and a woman in this situation.

Yet only the woman has left down an entire gender.

The man in this has what? Become a legend? Deserves a high five?

CheersMedea · 23/01/2015 13:55

Flirting isn't a crime. It's social oil and is a lot of fun.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind if my husband was flirting with someone on Facebook chat. Internet chat lends itself to flirting. We are all more witty electronically and flirting is a way of letting yourself know that others find you attractive.

I'd mind if he had an emotional affair. I'd mind if he started meeting up with a woman privately he wanted to fuck. I'd mind if he had sex with someone.

But flirting?!? Come on!

And I feel sorry for the people who are all "you've pissed over his relationship"/"harlot" etc. No she hasn't.

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 14:33

The way I see it, he knows she's single, she knows he's with someone, he's not shitting over her relationship is he.

You are right though, men are not as vilified as women are for this type of behaviour.

The fact the OP has posted makes it very clear she knows very well it's not a good thing to do.

Nobody knows the content of their messages so who knows if it was harmless.

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